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Sawyerplus1
member
Help w/DS - What would you do?!
Sawyerplus1
member
My DS has always been a difficult kiddo. Every day is a struggle with him as he's easily frustrated, always says/asks things in a whine, repeats things over and over, and throws many a tantrum. He has also been diagnosed with a severe language delay (both in saying things and understanding things that are said). Anyway, he's recently become near unbearable! DH and I are at our wits end. Anything we say to him is met with a screamed 'NO!', he's constantly throwing things, and pushing his little sister. A common example is at meal times when we offer him water (his drink of choice) and he shouts or whines 'no water!', so we take it away (if it's left on the table he'll throw or spill it). But then once we're seated and eating, he's begging for water. DH is starting to think we should follow through on what he says, so when he say's 'no water' then that's it, no water no matter how much he begs. I'm torn. While I agree that he needs to learn consequences for what he says and does, I am not sure it's the right answer. If we follow through on one thing, we should follow through on everything, and it would be too much (considering how much he says 'no').
Any ideas how you would handle this? or have handled it? I should also mention that he gets time outs, but they're rather ineffective for him 
I know he sounds like an out of control brat, but please reserve your judgement. I'm a momma at my wits end! Thanks so much for any advice or tips. (Oh, and he's only this bad with DH and I, not usually for other family/babysitters/his teacher, etc)
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Re: Help w/DS - What would you do?!
This is tough to answer since I don't know how much his speech issues are playing a part in his behavior.
If he was one of my kids with no speech concerns I'd tell you what I'd do but it may not be the best solution for your child and I think in your shoes I'd check with one of the specialists working with him for guidance on appropriate behaviors/discipline for his issues.
For me?
My kid yells or whines that he does NOT want something? Helllll to the NO I'm not fetching it for him a mere 5 minutes later like an over worked waitress. Or better yet - he can get it himself. Get off your buttt, drag a stool to the sink and fill your own cup. I'm not your puppet nor your waitress. I don't live to serve your every whim. I'm happy to help as long as you're respectful but I've got my own boundaries and won't be abused or manipulated.
When my kids went thru the big "NO!" stages we did a LOT of saying "Ok!" in a casual tone and walking away from them. Tends to take the wind out of their sails if you don't stay engaged after they give an abusive "no".
You don't want to put on your shoes to go? Fine by me. I say "ok" and head to the car without them. You've never seen a kid move so fast to get their shoes on. You don't want to get dressed? I say "ok" and put your naked butt into the car seat because I'm in the middle of a miscarriage and have to get to the doctor's office. I threw his clothes in the floor of the car and he begged me the whole way there to get dressed. He has NEVER refused to get dressed again. He knows the consequences. Sounds like your son needs a better understanding of the consequences of his actions.
Along those lines I highly recommend the book: "Parenting With Love and Logic" - the early years version (I think its 6 months to 5 years).
Other kids are not gonna want to play with a child yelling no at them and pushing them. It's a lot easier for them to learn the consequences of that kind of behavior at home than it will be at school. I don't hesitate to tell my children when they're acting horridly that others will not want to be around them when they behave that way because it's 100% true. From there it's their choice - do you want to be a person who has friends to play with and people who want to be around them or would you rather be by yourself?
They usually choose to improve their behavior because they're both fairly socially driven kids. If they don't improve they get some alone time because it's just not fair that they ruin a good time for their sibling or even for me by being deliberately mean to any of us.
Might not work as well for someone else who's child is perfectly happy being alone but it's worked well for us. You're antisocial = you're alone in your room.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
My daughter has some of the same tendencies, but perhaps not nearly as extreme. I agree with pp that if he says "no water" you shouldn't get up to get him water when he changes his mind. Teach him to be more self-sufficient. DD could pour her own drinks at her Montessori preschool at 2 years old. Put his cups within his reach and even a small plastic pitcher in the fridge if you don't want to give him a stool to reach the sink. If he doesn't want to get it for himself, then he needs to do without it. He knows exactly what he's doing. He needs to learn that you will NOT give in to him when he's acting inappropriately. EVER. I've had to be very firm with DD lately about yelling and being rude. If she is going to act like that and ruin my dinner, she goes to her room. Every single time I let it get to me and lose my cool, it gets 100x worse. It's probably what she's looking for anyway. She doesn't want to eat, so she causes turmoil so she doesn't have to. I try so hard to stay calm, but I'm pregnant and she can be so frustrating!
The only other advice I have is on my mind because I have been noticing that DH has been REALLY bad about this lately. Take every possible opportunity to say yes to him. When is doesn't matter, let him have his way. When it does matter, give him choices. Sometimes it feels like 90% of what she hears from him is "no". That has to be very frustrating for her. For example, bedtime is soon. DD just got out play dough and DD just said "No, not right now!" Giving her 5 minutes to play rather than have her think Daddy says no to everything seems valuable to me. Save the "no's" for when it matters.
I'm sure you do already, but take every opportunity to praise even moderately good behavior. Make sure he knows that you like HIM, you just don't like his behavior.
I totally know how you feel here. Some days I go to bed feeling like a terrible, unfit mother. DD is so independent- I know it'll be good some day, but right now it makes life very difficult. My dad described DD the other day as a negotiator. That nails it- she argues about absolutely everything.
Good luck and hang in there. It's got to get better soon.