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May 2012 Moms
lovetohike
member
Why is having a boy undesirable or dissapointing to some?
lovetohike
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Why is having a boy undesirable or dissapointing to some?
It was a hard lesson for me to learn. When I found out DS#1 was a boy, I was honestly disappointed, and not for very good reasons. DH and I went shopping that night to get clothes and I just started saying how all the boy clothes were ugly, how I wanted to buy cute pink clothes, etc. Of course after a few days, I realized how stupid I was being and became very excited to have a boy. My two boys are the loves of my life, even if they do drive me insane!!! Little boys love their mommy, too!
Of course now that I have two boys, I'd really like a girl. But of course at the end of the day, if I have a wonderful little boy just like the two I have, I'll be blessed.
Boys really do love their mommy.. it is SO SPECIAL! I love being a boy mom. I actually love dressing a boy. It is more of a challenge ( and I like it). You can walk into any store and find an adorable dress, boys take a little more hunting.
I could be wrong but raising a boy seems so much easier to me. My DS is a lot less whiney than girls his age. He is just overall pretty easy going and so much fun to be around. Yes, he does have some boy energy... it keeps me on my toes. I adore the creativity that comes all his energy. He really is a fun kid.. his teachers have always adored him.
And boy toys.. they are are so much cooler to me.. it can get any cuter than seeing a little guy make airplane and car noises. My little guy always has a Hotwheels or Bakugan in his hand. He loves his toys and it is so fun to watch him play. DS is just so happy finding bugs and rocks too.. simple things bring him SO much joy and excitement. I know nothing of girl toys like Barbies, and to be honest Barbies and Princesses kinda scare me somewhat.
I would be happy with a boy or girl with this one. A boy would be easier since I have all the gear and just love being a boy mommy, but a girl would be a fun adventure too, a whole new land. I just for the life of me could not figure out why people would be upset they were having a son. Having a little boy is so wonderful. ( at least to me)
I imagine for the same reason having a girl could be disappointing to some- people get their hearts and expectations set on a specific sex for specific reasons and then are disappointed.
I dont fully get gender disappointment lasting longer than about 30 seconds.
I know people who want girls for some of the reasons PP mentioned. They're so much fun to dress, you can find cute stuff for them so much easier. While I really think I'm having a girl I actually really WANT a boy. Obviously as long as the child is healthy I'm happy either way.
I did some.... soul searching? on why I want a boy so much and its pretty selfish reasons. My MIL has no girls, there are no grandchildren on either side. If the first grandchild is a girl I am in SO MUCH TROUBLE in terms of spoilage. Not that they wouldn't spoil a boy, I just feel like the boy spoilage would be less, KWIM?
I really think that people get an idea of what they think they're having and so get their hearts set on that and then if they find out they're wrong, they're disappointed.
Make a pregnancy ticker
My /Chart; BFP 3/8/11 CP 3/16/11; 7/11 HSG & S/A both clear;
Cycle 12~ 50 mg Clomid=BFP 9/9/11, Beta #1=280 & Beta #2=1513, 6w3d hb=122 bpm/ 8w2d hb=186 bpm/12w2d could not hear hb had a 3rd u/s and got to see the hb. 16w2d heard the hb! 156 bpm. A/S 1/3=girl
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
THIS. I lost my mother 7 years ago very suddenly and tragically and she and I were super tight. I'll confess that I do really want a girl, but not because of all the cute girl things. It's to have that one-of-a-kind mother-daughter connection again (and to experience being on the other side of it!).
In all honesty though, I would love having a boy as well and I don't think I'll be disappointed if this baby is a boy. I think about my nephew and how funny and incredibly special he is. My heart just bursts when I get to spend time with him and I see how he and my sister have a special connection as well.
I am just so excited to be a mother either way!!
Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but anyone who is disappointed for more than 5 minutes should go through 4 years of TTTC and medical treatment. We fought tooth and nail for this baby, there was no way in hell I'd be disapointed with the sex!! Because any child is a blessing.
That being said, I had a preference for a boy. I love my mother but we always had an odd relationship. She admitted herself that she had no idea what to do with me - there's not a girl-y bone in her. She tried her best I think, but she didn't 'equip' me with the things a young woman needs to be emotionally healthy, and to this day I really struggle with a lot that's stemming out of that. So I have a lot more confidence in raising a boy for these reasons. Plus I just really wanted a mini DH:-) It appears that we are having a boy - but if was or will turn outto be a girl, we will be just as ecstatic.
DH-34-MFI-motility+morphology.... Me-32-Hypothyrpid+LPD
7/8/11: Clomid100mg+Ovidrel+IUI#1=BFN
8/2/11: Clomid50mg+Ovidrel+IUI#2=BFFN
8/25/11: Follistim50iu+Ovidrel+IUI#3=BFP!!!!@14dpo
Beta#1 9/8 - 251 Beta#2 9/15 - 1622 Beta#3 9/22 - 12674
1st U/S; heard one beautiful HB of 129 - 9/29/11
OB visit; HB of 166 - 10/13/11
2nd US; HB of 163 - 10/18/11
A/S - 12/9/11 - It's a perfect healthy BOY!!!!
Our miracle baby boy - born 5/24/12
Just out of curiosity, have people been expressing disappointment when they actually found out that they are probably having a boy? I just haven't seen that on this board.
I think it is absolutely fine for people to have a slight preference; it's just human nature. But I'm assuming that for most, that preference no longer matters when they find out what they're having, and there's no actual disappointment.
We can all say "I just want a healthy baby," but I see no point in hiding my feelings. I can honestly say that I would like to have a girl at some point. My selfish reason is that we have little nephews on my DH's side, and no girls in the family. I just like the thought of my MIL having her first granddaughter. When I find out what we're having, will that desire for the first granddaughter matter at all? Of course not. Anyway, I for some reason have felt that we're having a boy, and have referred to the baby as "him" more than once without realizing it. That thought of having a boy doesn't bother me in the least.
I think many women like the idea of having that mother-daughter bond, and that's one of the reasons that many say they want a girl. I've also seen many people say they want a boy, because they already have a girl, or the other way around. But again, I think that's all fine, as long as there's no true disappointment when the sex is revealed.
I think it's because most girls grow up playing with dolls that are girls. We dress them up in pretty things. We brush their hair etc. I had wanted a girl with my first pregnancy too. Then, when I found out I was having a boy I began to think about the strong bond that exists between a mother and son. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a son. We really do have a special relationship and are closer than my DS and my DH.
That being said I am still hoping for a girl this time! haha And that is because I have saved SO much from my childhood to pass down to a girl. haha
Honestly, I think I'd prefer to have a boy first. There are pretty much only girls in my family, and I'm not much of a girly girl, so having a boy seems easier. I also always wished I'd had an older brother- so that probably plays into me wanting our first child to be a boy. H wants a girl- he's always voiced a preference to have a girl, and would be completely gaga over a little girl. So, for my sanity, I hope we have a boy, because the spoiling that would probably go on with a little girl might drive me crazy
That said- I can't even believe that I'd feel any sort of dissappointment. I know our chances are 50/50, I hope we have one of each gender by the time we're done, and I know that it realistically does not matter. But while we're in the area where we don't know- I can say I think a boy would be my preference, first.
Right. When I was pregnant with Gabe, I wanted a girl. I mean to say I wanted both a boy and a girl, but I really wanted a girl first because I really wanted to have a daughter. That was for a lot of reasons, some silly, others meaningful. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother than I hoped to share with a daughter (it is different than with a son). I always pictured myself as a mother to daughters, I felt that since I am a woman, I could more easily relate to a girl. I think girls are more fun to dress and play with. It wasn't that I didn't want a boy or would have been terribly disappointed by having a boy, I just hoped that I would have the daughter I wanted first.
And I was convinced Gabe was a girl. No one else thought so, but I was sure. And when they first told us boy it did require a mental recalculation. There was some disappointment - not with who or what Gabriel was, but with the idea that I may not get to have the daughter I wanted. When I focused on the fun things about boys, I started to get excited. And when they finally confirmed Boy, and we saw him sucking his thumb and they told me that after all the fear and concern that things were finally ok in the pregnancy, I was head over heels in love with him. The sex didn't matter, he was our son, our child. And then four days later he was born and he died.
Now I have very mixed feeling about the sex. I still want a girl, but I want to know what we've missed out on with Gabriel. I think a girl will be easier for us, but will feel sort of guilty. A boy would be harder, but healing in some ways. I know I could truly say that I didn't care this time.
I do think that gender disappointment should have a limit, but people often confuse gender disappointment with grieving a life you won't have. Of course the most important thing is living, healthy baby. But I don't think that wishing you had a girl when your last child is a boy is crazy or over the limit. I don't think having a deeply personal reason for wanting one sex and needing a bit of time to reconcile that is wrong.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
Ugg.. I typed a whole response and it got deleted.... this one will be shorter..
Just out of curiosity, have people been expressing disappointment when they actually found out that they are probably having a boy? I just haven't seen that on this board.
Yes,it was talked about yesterday and I have seen it on other boards. it just had me wondering, as I really did not understand.
AutLuke- I am sorry for the loss of your nephew. I can certianly see how a little girl would be easier for you in relation to your sister.
To those who have lost their moms- I am sorry. I can understand your longing for a mother/ daughter realtionship again.
Thanks for answering. I just reallly did not know. I feel blessed to be having any baby and know God has picked the baby for my family. My checkbook will be hurting if it is a girl.. those outfits are cute and in abudance! God will also have to give me grace in the teen girl years.LOL
For me, I would love to have all girls. Part of this is is because I am very girly: I love to shop, dress up, do crafts, and decorate my house. I love playing dolls, princesses, and artsy things with my daughter. I do not enjoy any sports-related activities or "outdoorsy" things, which, in my mind, goes along with having boys. Also, I never had any sisters, and I grew up with my mother and her 5 sisters who are all very close.
However, I would be happy with a healthy girl or boy
Make a pregnancy ticker
I guess what I don't understand is if you conceived, you have a 50/50 shot at either sex. Is it really surprising/disappointing when it is one or the other? Those were the odds you had by getting pregnant.
Be thankful you are pregnant and can possibly take a baby home.
I don't understand it. DS is amazing and he is pure entertainment 24/7. He's a sweetheart and loves to cuddle and give kisses...
I would like to have a girl so I can have one of each, but if I have another boy I will be super happy, because another one of DS is just as amazing.
My DS is SO cuddly.. at 5 he still LOVES to cuddle. He is so sweet and yes, he is just so amazing!
We are so lucky already have a little boy.. such a blessing. No matter the sex of #2 it will be awesome!
With DS1 I was a teen mom. I really wanted a boy. I did not want a girl at all and would have been very dissapointed if he had been a girl. I felt that I would be able to be a better mom to a boy then a girl at that point and I had fears that if I had a girl she would be a teen mom too.
With DS2 I wanted a girl. I was worried that if I found out he was a boy that I would be upset. We had an elective ultrasound at 16 weeks to find out. When I found out he was a boy I was dissapointed but once DH and I went shopping afterwards and I saw all the cute boy things I got excited. I wasn't dissapointed because I wanted to buy girl things. I think baby boy stuff is much cuter. I was dissapointed because I didn't know if I would be able to talk DH into another baby. I'd wanted to get to have a relationship with a daughter someday.
This is my third pregnancy since DS2. With the first one I still wanted a girl. We miscarried that baby. I had a c/p a few months later. This pregnancy had a rocky start and I'm amazed I made it this far. This time I honestly don't care what we have as long as it is a semi-healthy take home baby. This is our last baby and since there isn't a prefrence either way we have decided to be team green. With the other two I wanted to know in case I needed to deal with gender dissapointment.
See, there is something in this attitude that bothers me. It's not a personal attack, please understand, and I'm not sure I can explain my position well at all.
Of course the odds are what they are. We all know that we could get one thing or another, but the reasons for wanting one sex over another are varied and personal and have nothing to do with odds. Some people don't actually just want a child. They want a son. Or they want a daughter. And their reasons are deeply entrenched and psychological and personal.
Someone who had a complicated relationship with their mother may be terrified of a girl because they have no idea of what a healthy relationship looks like or how to model one. Wanting a boy because of that doesn't make them wrong. Having fear over having a girl isn't an affront to people who have had losses or have difficulty getting pregnant. They are totally separate issues.
I can guarantee that if we don't have a boy at some point, I will be heartbroken. Not because I wouldn't love whatever children we are lucky enough to bring home, but because I miss my son. I want to raise a boy, and that was stolen from me. And I'm sure that some people find this an allowable reason to want a boy while generally not understanding gender preferences or disappointment - but most people have deep seated reason for wanting a particular gender. And likewise, I will be disappointed if we get to the end and never have a daughter. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be grateful for the healthy son, but it would mean that I would have to lay aside dreams I've had as long as I have wanted to be a mother.
There is nothing wrong with that - so long as you reconcile loving the child you have and appreciating the child you have for their own unique qualities, which the vast majority of us will do.
Ultimately, what I want is a healthy child that doesn't die in his or her father's arms. Nearly anything else is incidental. But having gone through that losses and all the other losses and having struggled for two years to get pregnant again has not changed my desires for particular sexes. My wish for children and my specific hopes and desires for children are not entirely the same thing. The idea that one should just suck it up because others have trouble is one that has never sat well with me - it ignores very real and very valid feelings that should be dealt with.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
Thanks for the reply lovetohike! Things like that make you realize how little the sex of the baby really matters. What's really important is health.. I think I would have taken it for granted had this not happened to our family.
I do agree with this. Some people have an actual reason for hoping for a certain sex. My sister will probably have a preference for that reason and for that, I see absolutely nothing wrong. I have no reasons or preferences, and that's just me. Each person has a different story with different struggles and there is nothing wrong with hoping for a certain sex especially in the situation of loss and grieving. Does sex matter when you have a healthy baby in your arms? Heck no! But I can always see reasons why you would want one or the other sometimes.
Wow, there are so many sad stories here, and I just want to hug everyone. Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies. It was a surprisingly powerful read, going through this thread, and I'm pretty blown away by what some of you have had to go through. :-(
I never thought it was a big deal if people had a preference for boy or girl, and now, I feel even more sympathetic to people's preferences. I'd like a girl, but I'll be happy with a boy, too. Among other silly reasons, I happen to have one niece (who is smart and fun) and three nephews (two babies and one bratty, wussy whiner), so I'd like to even it up a bit. But really, I'm also just happy to have a healthy little one. (And I hope mine, whether boy or girl, is smart and fun like my niece and isn't as annoying as one of my nephews...) Just saying. And that's kind of what these anonymous forums are for, right? ;-) (mwah ha ha ha...)
...............the papeete blog...............
Interesting. I always thought it was the opposite (sorry if I offend). I have never really wanted a girl. I mean there are wonderful things about having a girl that I would look forward to, but if I could choose I would probably have all boys.
My DS1 really wants a sister so his passion and enthusiasm has definitely transfered to the rest of us and we are sold on the idea, but it wasn't immediate.
9 angels in heaven-3 in my arms and 1 in the NICU
Mono/di twin girls: Josephine born to heaven and Evangeline born Earthside at 25w
I guess I am just the exact opposite. There is something in the "I want a ___" attitude that really bothers me, personally.
What I am trying to say is I don't understand how you can truly want one sex over the other when you know it is a complete crapshoot as to what you are going to get in the end. Isn't that setting yourself up for minor disappointment for something that is a miracle regardless?
After my second loss, my SIL found out she was having a second boy and called me crying about the "woe is me" for not getting a daughter, and I couldn't help but feel "you were NEVER guaranteed a daughter".
I think it is agree to disagree on this one because I 100% feel thankful I might get to take this baby home and couldn't care less about what genitalia it has.
My losses have done the opposite for me, they have made me SERIOUSLY care less. Each is wonderful in their own ways.
Didn't take your post as an attack, we all have opinions
I get hat you are saying, hopeful, and the logic is sound; I just think this is something that isn't logical, you know?
We're never guaranteed a lot of thing in life,but we want them anyway. It's sort of like interviewing for a job - you never know how many other applicants there are and what the company is looking for, but sometimes, damn it you just want that job. You know?
I think there is a difference between putting aside a dream you had and being disappointed in your child, you know? I have two friends who both have 2 sons. They both knew going in that their second children would be their last and they were both thrilled to have healthy boys. They were excited their sons would have brothers. But even now - a year and 2 years later - they both still occasionally express wistfulness over not having a daughter. It's not (and never was) a drawn out cry or sulk or 'woe is me' (and I agree, I dislike that sort of attitude as well), more like a few moments of sadness they don't get ruffly dresses and playing dolls and mother-daughter things. They are both, incidentally, the two who most strongly believe I'm having a girl, which is funny to me - I think because they hope to expend some of the girl longings onto clothing my daughter if I have one.
I think if the disappointment is overwhelming the more important healthy baby part - then I tend to agree with you. There *are* more important things than the genitals.
(and I'm glad - sometimes when you quote someone and disagree, it's taken personally. I respect your different opinion, and just wanted to be clear I wasn't trying to pick on you!)
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
My Blog
I can't deny that I want a daughter this time around. But that's because I'm interested in how she would turn out as compared to my son. My son doesn't fit into stereotypes, he's just who he is. I'd love to see if we raised a daughter that way as well.
At the end of the day, this may be our last child and if it's another boy, I'll be just as overjoyed as I would over a daughter. I would never want to change my DS as he is, and I'd love to have another boy.
DS also wants a baby brother, so I think there would be that connection as well. I do think people make a good point about deep-seated reasons for wanting one sex over the other. I don't feel a compulsion for it though.
Yeah, I think I am just hardened to it because all I have seen IRL is the "woe is me" attitude, so I have a hard time picturing what happens when people get the news they aren't getting what they want and are able to handle it well. Does it somehow taint the way they feel about their children? Kids pick up on subtlety.
Deep down, with my first pregnancy I admit, I had a preference, but I honestly don't now.
I have kind of made a mental "pros" list of both genders, so I am excited for either.
It is probably like some people want a boy or girl, there are some people that want either, it is just a third choice.