DS still doesn't play with others :(

tqsbride · November 2011

DS is 3 years old. I just came from my parent/teacher conference at DS's preschool. He's doing well in all subjects except for socialization. He follows the teacher around all day in order to avoid interacting with other kids. When he's approached by other classmates, he tells them "I don't want to play with you". He's not aggressive, doesn't get sad, not a screamer, he just doesn't seem interested in playing with others. He's been at this school since he was 3 months old (daycare transitions to preschool) so he's grown up with roughly the same kids. The good news is that he has at least 2 kids that he's willing to play with at preschool. It just breaks my heart when I arrive to pick him up from school and he's sitting by himself to work on his art while the rest of the class works on an activity or he physically separates himself from the group during playtime.

We're aware of this problem (he's been like this since he started walking) and we've tried to introduce him to other social situations--birthday parties and sports programs at the YMCA. He's comfortable in the environment, but doesn't want to join in with others. Does anyone have a child refusing to play with others and have you tried other ways to encourage them to join in?

hlsgrad · November 2011

Does he play with other kids on his own turf? At home with friends' kids or cousins?

My DD has always been very very shy unless she is at home. She was the kid in the corner for the first 2 weeks of pre-school, playing quietly by herself and not crying, but not engaging.

I set up one-on-one play dates at my house with another little girl (also very quiet) and it worked wonders for both of them. They play togetehr every day and are now "best friends." I also signed her up for a very small soccer class - 4 kids, one of whom she knew. If I put her in the general class, it would have overwhelmed her - same with birthday parties. I would start small and focus on the one-on-one interaction until he is confident and comfortable (and having fun!).

For what it's worth, I was probably even shyer than DD at her age, and my parents didn't really "push" they just let me work it out - as long as I was polite and at least acknowledged adults speaking to me, they accepted the extreme shyness. My older brother did 99% of my talking for me. The funny thing is I grew up to be a trial attorney where I interact with people all day - he is an actuary and is hidden behind a computer most of the day with very little people contact

MrsBalletStar05 · November 2011

My younger one is not as old, but already seems to be a *loner*. He comes to work with me every day at the Y child care. I see kids come up to him ALL the time and try to play and he doesn't really engage them. He just prefers to play by himself. There are a few other quiet children that he occasionally plays with/around, but is fairly content to be by himself. He only plays with his older brother at home, some of the time (older one is very loud, outgoing, ect.) I'm not even sure it's shyness, just more *quiet* (like me!) and prefers to be by himself. For now, it doesn't bother me - but probably because I understand how he feels since I have a similar personality.

Wally3 · November 2011

He does sound a little on the shy side, but remember most kids don't truely play together until closer to 5. My friend was doing some games with preschoolers at work - usually she works with olders. She was amazed with the difference between 3 and 4 years and then the 5 years. It was a totally different game with the 5's who would and could work together towards a common goal.

n&bcarlson · November 2011

My daughter also mostly plays by herself at school, but does well in smaller settings and at home. If there are one or two kids, she'll play with them. More than that, she starts hanging back and watching. I'm thinking of mentioning in our parent conference next week the idea of inviting a few kids from her class one on one for play dates at our house- maybe see if the teachers can tell me which kids she seems to have the most in common with.

Jen&Len · November 2011

DS is the same way and actually just spoke his first words at school last week (he started in Sept). He's always been an observer first. He scopes out the scene and then when he decides he's ready, he goes for it like he's been doing it all along. It's kind of ironic because the teacher was recommending possibly having him repeat 3 yo class next year because he was only doing parallel play, not talking to anyone (teachers included), and not playing with anyone. It's as if he knew what she said beacuse the next class, he started talking to the other kids and playing with them out of the blue. It's been about a week and he does it all the time now.

Does he seem content playing by himself? The teacher did say that DS didn't seem upset. He kept himself busy and found things to do. We were okay with the fact knowing that he was happy doing what he was doing, even if it didn't involve other kids. But I do understand what you're saying....when we would ask DS if he played with anyone or had any friends in school, he would say, "no, I played by myself," it totally broke our hearts.

I was really shy as a kid as well and my mom used to push me to be more social. I absolutely hated it and developed anxiety whenever I had to talk to someone I didn't really know (I still sort of have it. I have to really focus and fake my way through it). So I don't push DS to interact with other kids if he tells me he doesn't want to.

tqsbride · November 2011

hlsgrad:

Does he play with other kids on his own turf? At home with friends' kids or cousins?

My DD has always been very very shy unless she is at home. She was the kid in the corner for the first 2 weeks of pre-school, playing quietly by herself and not crying, but not engaging.

I set up one-on-one play dates at my house with another little girl (also very quiet) and it worked wonders for both of them. They play togetehr every day and are now "best friends." I also signed her up for a very small soccer class - 4 kids, one of whom she knew. If I put her in the general class, it would have overwhelmed her - same with birthday parties. I would start small and focus on the one-on-one interaction until he is confident and comfortable (and having fun!).

For what it's worth, I was probably even shyer than DD at her age, and my parents didn't really "push" they just let me work it out - as long as I was polite and at least acknowledged adults speaking to me, they accepted the extreme shyness. My older brother did 99% of my talking for me. The funny thing is I grew up to be a trial attorney where I interact with people all day - he is an actuary and is hidden behind a computer most of the day with very little people contact

hisgrad,

He will play outside not directly with other kids, but in their general area, if that makes sense. We had a huge hooray moment the other day when he shared some sidewalk chalk with a neighbor girl. I can tell sometimes that he'd like to join in if he sees others on bikes, playing with balls, etc. He'll get his toy and just stand there watching. If I try to coax him to get involved, he gets very angry.

He has one good friend that he has meets for playdates, so that's reassuring. My mom pointed out that DS seems a lot like me at that age, hiding behind his mom when adults speak to him and not doing well in new environments.

We had an awesome day today at an indoor playground. He ran around with 2 other boys and a little girl for a total of 30 minutes.

Someone mentioned autism which has a very broad spectrum. This isn't on my radar at this point. I'll do my best not to push, he could just be a quiet kid. Thanks for the advice everyone. Glad to know that others are also experiencing this.

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