help with a friend being too comfy at your house

Smootchy · November 2011

I'm very much a help yourself in my house/make yourself at home type person.

That being said... My husband complained to me about my friend and now it does sorta drive me nuts. What do you do? How do you confront this?

My friend comes over, first thing she does is open the fridge to see what we have. Then the pantry. Then back to the fridge. Always with the door open for an annoying amount of time. Helps herself to whatever she wants. Eats the last of the bread. Drinks lots of milk. A few months ago I had bought 2 doughnuts. She came over and just ate one. They were totally our (hubs & my) treats. If it were a box of doughnut holes I could see but 2 doughnuts. Aaahhh, there are many many stories. Once she used my toothbrush. She asks my husband for a bite of his cereal and it grosses him out. What ever I'm eating she ALWAYS takes a bite of my food.

Would this bother you? Or are you happy to share with your guests? It never really bothered me too much, but hubs is bothered, and I feel like it's getting worse. How can I end this???

Arnegard · November 2011

Asks to take a bite of your food? Gross.

Helps herself to your food? Okay if it is out an offered to her.

I think it is time to talk/email her about personal boundries and respecting someone else's house.

~Flossie~ · November 2011

Yeah, that would really bother me. I would talk to her about it, and if you are uncomfortable talking to her about it I would invite her to hang out with you outside of your home from now on. Maybe then she'd get the hint.

Smootchy · November 2011

~Flossie~:
Yeah, that would really bother me. I would talk to her about it, and if you are uncomfortable talking to her about it I would invite her to hang out with you outside of your home from now on. Maybe then she'd get the hint.

I know I need to say something.. but I don't know how to even bring it up. I've always been raised in a "help yourself" house, and I want people to feel welcome in my home but there is a line that has been crossed. I just don't know what to say

kerribear1717 · November 2011

Some people really don't have very good social skills or knowledge about boundries. The donut thing is a big issue. It's like if your hubby bought you a special slice of pie for being awesome, or your bday and she came over and ate it. Very wrong. I would've said something harsh then. If you are all out at a restaurant and people are trying different foods I can see taking a bite off of another plate. But cereal? WTF?! If I were your DH I'd say get your own bowl. Maybe you need to have this person not over anymore. Or have her only over at times when you have a snack prepared, like for example a dish of cheese and crackers. Have it set out when they arrive then offer to get them a drink. If they get up to get something interject and say, I will get that for you.

cherrys · November 2011

A friend of mine used to babysit DS when I went back from maternity leave. One Saturday she was just hanging out at the house with me. I had switched laundry around and sat down to fold DSs clothes, which she had started doing. I picked up a sleeper to fold, she looked at me and said "I'd prefer to do this by myself." I looked at her and said "It's my child's laundry, I'll do it."

DH agreed with me that she was getting to comfortable "playing house", so we ended up getting a new sitter.

Friendship is still good, not like it was, but good.

Smootchy · November 2011

Cassie730:
Ok..the food thing was weird and definitely not her place to raid your cabinets but what the effy eff...SHE USED YOUR TOOTHBRUSH????? Um EWWW.

Oh yeah. When we were 20 bopper's and getting wasted all the time, there were 4 of us that were "very close" I'm sure we've swapped spit and all that but now that I'm married and we don't have girlfriend make out sessions... I like my spit to be between my husband and I. I'm sure she just assumed whatever, we've shared a lot.

I did throw that brush out and get a new one. If she would've asked I would've given her a new one.

IEtoLA · November 2011

We have a few aunts like this and with both I have no problem saying get their own, but I can see that your husband doesn't want to start anything. You need to talk to her and let her know that while she is always welcome in your home, she needs to not go through or use your things without asking. I don't think there is any way of getting around it other than plainly stating what the problem is. Most people will not have realized it, apologize and move on. Hopefully that is the case with you and your friend.

June2007 · November 2011

I would start calling her out on it when it happens. If you have always been fine with it then it's not like she's ignoring an uncomfortable vibe and she's not a mind reader. Next time (and everytime she's acting outside of your comfort zone) make a comment "hey save some milk for the kid!' 'do not even think about eating DHs donut! Or go buy another to replace it, that's our treat for later' 'could you close the fridge, I'm getting hypothermia over here!' 'what are you looking for? I thought we would snack on these crackers with some cheese' etc.

I think sending her an email will come off as embrassing and out of the blue. She seems to feel closer to you than you feel to her. I agree that sharing bites is disgusting! For that I would point out how swapping spit with my DH is crossing the line right away!

delg23 · November 2011

Go to her house and do it? Get a new friend? Lol. I don't know. You could start out small and say "um no don't eat that, its our special treat". Or the toothbrushes might be a good place to start. I'd be scared to have a sit down. Also it sounds like you may have facilitated this as it is really your husband who minds..? Maybe I'm wrong on that.. Sorry never had this problem because I'm not that nice. Wink

Smootchy · November 2011

delg23:
Go to her house and do it? Get a new friend? Lol. I don't know. You could start out small and say "um no don't eat that, its our special treat". Or the toothbrushes might be a good place to start. I'd be scared to have a sit down. Also it sounds like you may have facilitated this as it is really your husband who minds..? Maybe I'm wrong on that.. Sorry never had this problem because I'm not that nice.

I do feel like it's sorta my fault for letting her do as she pleases... But it has gotten worse. Helping yourself to a glass of water is one thing. I just feel like it got outta control.

Kitiara5512 · November 2011

I would say, I was about fix myself some of <<blah blah>>, would you like some? Oh please, have a seat, I will go get it for you. Can I get you something to drink? And then stand in front of the fridge yourself. And at worst, if she biitches about it, just say that you are teaching LO boundaries when going over to other people's homes and so want to make sure you are consistent with the same boundaries in yours.

ETA: My bff's daughter does this, so I have had the talk with her, and to enforce it, these are also rules that my bff goes by, even though she has never behaved in a manner that I needed to talk to her about it. Our boundaries discussion is more about what rooms are public areas and what rooms are private.

delg23 · November 2011

chapski:
delg23:
Go to her house and do it? Get a new friend? Lol. I don't know. You could start out small and say "um no don't eat that, its our special treat". Or the toothbrushes might be a good place to start. I'd be scared to have a sit down. Also it sounds like you may have facilitated this as it is really your husband who minds..? Maybe I'm wrong on that.. Sorry never had this problem because I'm not that nice.

I do feel like it's sorta my fault for letting her do as she pleases... But it has gotten worse. Helping yourself to a glass of water is one thing. I just feel like it got outta control.

Yea so she is a "give me an inch I'll take a mile" kind of person. I've known many of those and that is why I'm not so nice haha.

Smootchy · November 2011

Kitiara0364:
I would say, I was about fix myself some of <<blah blah>>, would you like some? Oh please, have a seat, I will go get it for you. Can I get you something to drink? And then stand in front of the fridge yourself. And at worst, if she biitches about it, just say that you are teaching LO boundaries when going over to other people's homes and so want to make sure you are consistent with the same boundaries in yours.

this is not a bad idea, but LO is normally sleeping when she comes over. Or just on his way up to bed.

Kitiara5512 · November 2011

chapski:

Kitiara0364:
I would say, I was about fix myself some of <<blah blah>>, would you like some? Oh please, have a seat, I will go get it for you. Can I get you something to drink? And then stand in front of the fridge yourself. And at worst, if she biitches about it, just say that you are teaching LO boundaries when going over to other people's homes and so want to make sure you are consistent with the same boundaries in yours.

this is not a bad idea, but LO is normally sleeping when she comes over. Or just on his way up to bed.

Ah, but consistency is key, and if you dont practice it all the time then you forget when it is necessary.

And then if that doesn't work, then say something about your personal space being invaded, and that it hadn't bothered you until she extended to swapping spit with YH and that even YH doesn't use your toothbrush. And mention the donuts if needed, because if she doesn't ask, then she doesn't know what is for a special occasion or treat.

nealbl · November 2011

BFF and I both will go to eachother's fridge and get something to eat/drink. If there is not much left of something we ask first but if there is plenty we dig in!

Both of us have taken drinks or bites of eachothers stuff and I am pretty sure if she asked to try something DH was eating he would not care.

Toothbrush wouldn't bother me but DH yes. I would just rub it under super hot water after she used it.

If it bothers your DH then I think you need to address it. You should both feel comfortable with what friends do at your house.

quidditchcapn1120 · November 2011

This would irk the crap out of me. Not because of the food but just because I don't like people up in my business. That being said my BFF gets in my fridge all the time and that doesn't bother me much. But the toothbrush thing???? GROSS! If it were me I would just say, "hey, so-and-so, it really bothers me that you act like there are no boundaries in our house. Please make yourself at home but toothbrushes are off limits and please let me get food/drink for you when you are a guest in my home."

peakboo5 · November 2011

A bite of his cereal? IMO that's crossing the line and just weird. If your DH is uncomfortable with it then you need to talk to her about it.

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