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2nd Trimester
ateal2490
member
I hate Christmas (oh, and need some advice)
ateal2490
member
Yep. I said it.
I absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt, despise Christmas.
Ok, maybe not Christmas as a holiday, but the drama that comes along with makes me crazy.
So. Background,
DH and I live 3000 miles away from our families. He is Army. Not our decision to be stationed here, but we are, and we're making the best of it.
Then comes Christmas. Every year, our families expect us to shell out:
$1000.00 in plane tickets
$350.00 in animal care
14 days of earned leave
to come celebrate this magnificent holiday.
And every single year we come home and decide we should have never gone in the first place.
My family is split six ways 'till Sunday and they each feel "entitled" to our time over the other. Last year we didn't even get to sit down and eat because we had to run to 4 different places that had dinner scheduled around the same time. And if one gets more time than the other....I get btched out.
Then there is the divorce between my grandparents....and its ugly. In fact its gotten so ugly that the rest of the family opted out of driving down for Christmas as usual because its too stressful on the older folk.
So....my grandmother is now relying on us to be there more than ever. She's laying the guilt trip so thick I don't even know what to do.
Yesterday she said "I don't know what I'll do if you can't come. I need to see you."
seriously......
This year, tickets are $1500.00. With a baby on the way, it sounds like the dumbest idea ever to blow that kind of dough to run around for a few days doing something that always ends up ugly.
She won't come here.... but I don't want to go there.
Wtf do I do.
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Re: I hate Christmas (oh, and need some advice)
I hate being stressed about something that should be enjoyable. Tell them you don't want to fly that long at that stage in your pregnancy. Is this your first? If so say that you and DH would like to spend Christmas alone this year before the addition of LO.
Sometime you are going to have to start putting your family first. Your family as in your husband and your baby. May as well be this year. I know your family will be disappointed but you can't live your life just to please everyone else.
My husband and I have finally given up on the whole trying to please everyone else. We are much happier now and believe it or not, they got over it. When you start setting boundaries for yourself and your family life gets a whole lot easier.
Good luck and thanks to you and your hubby for serving!
I was talking to my grandmother about the possibility of not being able to fly because of the baby....I told her we needed to make sure everything was ok and if there was a hint of a hint of anything wrong with this pregnancy that I wouldn't come.
She replies:
I want you here for Christmas!
Me:
It's not about you or anyone else...ITS ABOUT MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's really sweet...but super narrow-minded sometimes.
This is awesome advice. I guess I just need to hear that I'm not being a selfish asshat.
And thank you..I'll pass your thanks along once my GI Joe wakes up.
Shut up you know you are an asshat!
Well, if you look at the bright side, your family wants to see you. If they said you didn't need to come, it'd be kind of sad...
Proud mother of two breech babies:)
Damnit, Gisa, I know I can't get anything past you but these girls dun kno me like dat....geeeeeeeeeeez.
Word. There is a time in life, when you REALLY get your wings and fly: marriage/committed relationship is one wing, and babies are the other.
You have to make your own traditions. It's not selfish at all. It's actually more selfish on their part because they are making you feel guilty. I don't see them altering their traditions for you...
It's your decision of course, but I had to have this conversation with my family when I started working in TV (24/7/365) and to this day, they STILL don't really get it. I can't make every holiday.
Now that I have a husband and a baby on the way, I know this Christmas will be even more special, and we've already decided we're staying put.
Good luck!
this. or say your doctor says you can't fly.
OR you could say, "if you really need to see me, you can pay all my expenses. i'd rather save my money for LO's nursey."
I am right there with you on the no love for Christmas.
Please don't feel guilty about not going 'home' for Christmas. You can still love your family and not go back. I live across the country from my family & have been back only 2 times in 10 years. No one thinks I don't love them (well, except maybe my sister, but we don't need to go there). After not going for a couple of years, and Christmas ends up being fine they stop asking...and then when you actually show up everyone is happy that you're there. It's a much better dynamic than being 'expected' to show up.
If you're looking for a way to make it more palatable for your family frame it as a practical consideration. It costs a ton of money & vacation leave and you're expecting a baby. I'm making an assumption that you'd rather save up the vacation & money to be able to take a trip back for everyone to meet the baby once it arrives. If your family is anything like mine, the one thing they love more than Christmas is babies, so that should placate many of them.
Also, would YH be able to take more leave to be home with you when baby arrives if you don't go back for Christmas this year? That alone would be reason enough for me to nix a holiday trip.
Good luck and please know you aren't the only one who has to contend with family holiday insanity.
You, my dear, are a genius.
I am with everybody else on saying don't go if you don't want to. They can always come visit you if they must see you! DH, you and your baby are first in your family and you have to do what is best for the 3 of you.
My MIL has a mental freak out on the years we aren't with her on Christmas, but you know what, she gets over it because she knows if she doesn't we will see her even less.
Exactly this! Enjoy your holiday in peace. What about arranging a short visit another time when it won't be so hectic? And flights will be cheaper.
Me: 38 DH:36
In my experience, family members that guilt you that severely do it for a reason - they never got over you leaving in the first place.
They were pretty pissed about that one.
Because I TOTALLY wanted to live in a place that rains all the time, has no Dunkin Donuts, and has a population entirely clad in their jammers.
If it weren't for the money, I'd probably suck it up and go.
But the way my Christmas's usually go, I don't think anyone would be up for it.
4 separate dinners in one day....guilt trips for being one place too long...family members fighting over everything, awkward situations because of the famous divorce, in-laws pissed because we woke up at MY family's house instead of theirs for Christmas...
I think my head just imploded.
I 100% think you should say no.
A.) I really don't think that type of guilting/expectations are reasonable. I don't find it okay for family to create that type of drama.
B.) I don't think dragging a little kid around from one place to another is all that fair to the kid! They should be able to have a peaceful Christmas.
C.) That type of money could be MUCH better spent when you have a child on the way. Use it to have an actual vacation!
Stand up for yourself and say no. You are not obligated to do all of this and it doesn't make you unreasonable at all. It is important to put your family first, and being miserable doesn't accomplish that.
<<<disabled veteran's wife....
Stay home. Seriously. Tell them you can't afford it, blame it on the pregnancy, whatever. Just say no. They'll get over it eventually. Enjoy this Christmas as just your little family, and maybe get some of that joy of the season back.
i wouldn't go and i would say that your doctor wants you to keep your feet on the ground (no flying) and that you need to be in as a stress free environment as possible because of blood pressure.
We've been going through similar family stuff for years and it's just not worth it. spend the special times with the people that can be there FOR YOU and make you happy you spent any money that you had to spend to make it happen. Don't let THEIR unhappiness and guilt turn into your guilt, you don't deserve that.
This! Or tell her that you've flown down there enough times, and this time, you're pregnant and tired, so if she really wants to see you, she better buy herself a plane ticket.
That said, next year will be baby's first Christmas and you KNOW there will be mondo-pressure to travel. I'd consider whether traveling this year, and telling people flat-out that it's the last year, you want your child to wake up in their own bed on Christmas morning, etc will take some of the heat off you next year. You'll have given them 12 months' warning that if they want to see their grandbaby at Christmas they need to come to you.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
Honestly if it were me, I would be pulling the 'christmas is really about' card. I hate putting a guilt trip on anyone, but guess what. The traveling road goes BOTH WAYS! Why should you guys have to blow your husbands leave, and your alls hard earned money (ESPECIALLY WITH A BABY ON THE WAY), if they can't do the same to come and see you?
Everyone has their own problems. Just like you guys may have your own that no one knows of. Holidays aren't the times to be fighting over entitlement. Just because you dont get to see everyone doesn't mean that you care or love them any less. You're pregnant, and yes, everyone is excited and happy for you and wants to be a part of that but not eeveryone can be. So I would say if you REALLY don't want to, why not just get together with some friends that aren't going somewhere and have your own little dinner and if some of the family wants to come and visit you then they are more than welcome. If not then it's on them.
We all love our families, but personally I hate christmas drama more than anything. bc I go through it every year. Not the long distance (our families are within 3 hrs of eachother) but still. It makes it hard. So you gotta figure out if its really that important for you not to go or to go like every year.