Doula vs. Husband

KHD3341 · November 2011

Hi all -

I am curious to hear from anyone who has had an unmedicated birth without hiring a doula. Did you find that your husband/partner was able to keep you focused even when emotions were high? Hubby is not crazy about the idea of hiring a doula, he thinks it is his job. I know he has good intentions but I am not convinced that he will be able to keep me on track in the heat of the moment!

Also interested in how you found your doula. Are they all very holistic and "crunchy"? Not that there is anything wrong with that, but thats just not me!

umdbride · November 2011

I can't comment on a doula, but I went natural with the midwives at Midwifery Care Associates that deliver at Shady Grove. I was hoping to go natural, but not knowing what labor was like I was also ok with going for meds if I felt I wanted them. By the time I got to the hospital I wanted them, lol.

I love my DH to pieces and ordinarily find his advice and presence comforting, but even though he attended all the classes with me and was there for me the entire time with ice chips, holding a leg, etc, I don't think just him and a traditional OB would have cut it.

During labor, I wasn't in a place where I was really open to listening to DH, it was more comforting to me to take advice from people who had experience - being mother's themselves and midwives I felt they knew what I was actually feeling (pain wise) and I could trust them when they said things like "you can do it"...with DH I kind of felt like saying, "you have no idea what this feels like, how do you know I can do it?!" if that makes sense....

I think if he tried to remind me about breathing or whatnot I would have not been very nice. Plus I also kind of think he didn't know how much to urge/remind me to go med free like I wanted when he could tell how much pain I was in. When you're in the moment things change perspective. I think he appreciated having the midwives and felt like it was a joint coaching effort - he never felt not included or helpful. In fact, I think they also did a good job telling him how he could be helpful and praising him when he was doing a good job too

I considered hiring a doula but I wasn't sure about the expense either. Since I had midwives, and I was the only patient in labor at the time I felt I had plenty of coaching and support.

GL!

JKM416 · November 2011

I haven't used a doula, but I'll say that my DH was pretty useless. Nothing against him - neither of us knew what we were doing the first time. He wanted to assist, but he just didn't know how beyond the basics. I'm thinking he will do better this time because it's our third go-round, we're both more confident, and I've already told him specifics of what to expect to do (or not do). I'm sure a doula would still be helpful to us, but I figure I've gone through it twice without one, so I can do it again and am hoping the midwives I'm working with will fill in any gaps for DH.

In unmedicated births, there often comes a time when you really can't communicate verbally exactly what you want or need, and having someone who knows the stages and can read your body language and anticipate stuff would be really helpful. Unless you go through some serious partner-involved training, like the Bradley method, I think most DHs are at a loss during labor because they don't have the instincts, and they aren't as useful as a doula or midwife. Also, while a man may not like the thought of his "role" being usurped before even stepping into the delivery room, I've read tons of stories of how grateful they were to have an expert take over "in the heat of the moment"!

DCtoLowcountry · November 2011

Having a doula's support is in addition to your husband's support, not replacing them. For us, having a doula actually freed up DH from being "in charge" of helping me cope with labor and gave him someone to look to for guidance that was with continuously throughout labor. We delivered with a midwife (Midwifery Care Associates) but our midwife had two clients delivering so she had to divide her time. DH was also very skeptical about hiring a doula initially. Now, he is a poster child for having one to support unmedicated labor and now says it was worth every penny. We went the doula route, but if your husband is committed to supporting you, I'd look into the Bradley method. Register early since classes start in the second trimester.

Your doctor / midwife should have recommendations for doulas they have worked with before, or look at By Your Side Birth Services in MoCo (we used them and will again) or a list from Birthcare for VA.

Also, any good provider or doula will not have a one-size-fits-all approach, which includes a "granola only" approach. Good providers understand sometimes interventions are necessary to have healthy moms and babies - that includes physical and mental health! GL in your search and with your delivery!

WinesNot Whines · November 2011

My husband was also somewhat skeptical about needing a doula, but he left the decision up to me, and in the end, we were both glad that we hired one. I have never heard someone say they regretting using a doula. My husband was more freaked about the labor/delivery than I was, and he definitely would not have been a good replacement for our doula. She was able to guide me through breathing, trying different positions during labor, mental imagery, etc. I think it helped that she was an objective third party and wasn't personally/emotionally involved in the whole thing. If you're using a midwife, I think you could probably be fine without a doula, but I highly recommend a doula if you want a natural birth with an OB.

I used a doula associated with my hospital, but she wasn't hippie-dippie or anything. You can also ask for recommendations.

pixieprincss · November 2011

We did Bradley classes, so DH was very much an educated partner in birth and was my "coach". The doula was there to support him and help us process things when situations went beyond our knowledge. For example, when we found out baby was transverve at 36 weeks, our doula helped us weigh the options.

When it was time for the birth, I had a very difficult labor and our doulas' (we ended up with two--our hired doula and her back up) ideas and support were key in me making it through the first 55 hours with no meds and allowing DH to find moments to eat, nap, update family, etc. When interventions became medically advisble at that point for some rare and extinuating circumstances, the doulas helped us keep things as low-intervention as possible within the context of needing to accept some intervention.

We used doulamatch.net and the DONA website to find a doula. No, they are not all super-crunchy. A doula who does mostly hospital births is probably going to be more mainstream that one who does primarily home births.

KHD3341 · November 2011

Thank you all, so much for your responses! I think that doula is going to be a must for us.

We are delivering with an OB and it is too late to start any of the Bradley method classes around here otherwise that may have been a good option!

Each of you described how I feel. And being this is our first time I dont think DH understands what to expect!

Thanks for all your help

Mrs.Handy · November 2011

DH was definitely lost without our doula. He tried to support me in the beginning, once I started puking, he knew it was time to call her.

I agree that she was not replacing him, but just there to support and guide us both towards a med free delivery. I also agree it was hard to hear advice from DH since he had no idea what I was going through. According to him, I did snap at him once, I don't really remember it.

It's funny DH tried to discourage me, when I finally said it was time to go to the hospital. But then I got to the hospital 9.5 centimeters dilated! Listen to the woman giving birth!

I gave birth at a hospital with a doula and a MW. My MW was awesome and by my side pretty much the whole time I was at the hospital.

Definitely look into one if you want to go med-free. For my budget it was a choice between Hynobirthing classes or a doula, we decided on a doula since I figured it would awesome to have a person there to support us.

erin8606 · November 2011

we used doulamatch.org to find our doula. I haven't popped yet so I can't comment on the actual birth experience yet. However, H said anything labor related was up to me for what I really want whether it was meds or med-free and in the end I decided to try for med-free with a doula. part of wanting the doula was because i couldn't find a bradley class that worked with my schedule. However, I'm extra glad now because H and I are just not super diligent about practicing our labor every night. I made sure to reiterate to H, and I think he agrees now, that the doula is not a replacement. She is essentially a bonus support for both of us. I suspect H is going to freak out and get stuck in a rut on what he suggests and won't remember all the available massage/relaxation/whatever techniques. the doula is like a walking encyclopedia of things to try to make labor just that little bit better. Our doula also has 2 prenatal meetings with us so that we can generate a birth plan as a team and practice some coaching etc as a team. I think that's pretty important to get everyone ready to work together rather than just showing up when it's go time.

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