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June 2011 Moms
DreamChaser246
member
Bonding Difficulty with LO (am I alone?)
DreamChaser246
member
I'm not sure how to write this.
I'm feeling like I'm not totally bonded to DS. Don't get me wrong, I love him tons. I guess I just feel like something is wrong with me that I'm not totally head over heels bonded. Not sure if that makes sense, but I feel like there is something missing. I'm not sure what exactly it is (other than seeing that other mom's have it) and feeling like something is missing.
DS did spend the first 17 hours or so in the NICU, we had him for a few hours and then he had to be admitted to the NICU for glucose-level issues. I'm not sure if this is the reason I don't feel as attached or "in love" with DS.
I guess I just don't feel as close to my LO as I see other moms to their LO, and I don't know why or what is wrong with me.
Is anyone else going through this? What did you do? How are you dealing with it? Am I alone? Half of this probably came out wrong, I just feel so detached and really want to do something about it.
TIA
Rainbow baby, EDD 7/8/14, missed miscarriage 12/5/13.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Bonding Difficulty with LO (am I alone?)
idk if this would be PP? maybe talk to your OB?
i'm sorry you are feeling like this but addressing it is always a good thing.
I have no clue if this is going to make sense or not, but I'm going to give it a go!
Often times I will have a strange thought that I feel is not a normal thought (sometimes baby related sometimes not) I.e the other day I was cooking with hot oil and the thought of Audra accidentally getting the hot oil split on her kept going through my head. I couldn't turn off the thought and kept elaborating the thought in my head. Random thoughts like this seem to ALWAYS pop into my head.
Do you think one day you felt you weren't bonding with LO and have just been building on those feelings? The mind can be a scary place. I have noticed I often tend to over-think and elaborate on my thoughts. What I am trying to say( I am sorry if this isn't making sense at all) is that I bet you had a scary thought that you weren't bonding the "right way" and have been building on this feeling since instead of clearing your mind and starting over with a fresh perspective.
I really hope that makes sense?
Lost Lilah (Audra's twin) at 26 weeks. Cause unknown. Forever in our hearts
Lost Lilah (Audra's twin) at 26 weeks. Cause unknown. Forever in our hearts
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. All I would say is that the other moms might feel the same way you do and are just expressing it differently (if that makes any sense...like maybe you're just as bonded as they are, but are more apt to show it than you are). Comparing yourself to other moms might not be a good idea, but you should also trust your instincts if you think something is wrong.
And as someone who has been treated for depression, I don't think you're ever wrong in talking to someone to see if that helps. It might make a huge difference...I know it did for me. I'm not saying you're depressed, but it might help.
I totally know what you mean. I feel like I didn't have that instantaneous connection with Ev that I hear so many other moms talk about, and that it didn't even happen soon after he was born. For me I feel like I've bonded with him more over time, but I still often wonder if I feel the same toward him as other moms do. I do wonder if it has to do with no seeing him right at birth. Similar to you I didn't get to spend the first half a day with Ev after he was born - he had to go to the nursery for monitoring because they were worried about his breathing, and even when he was cleared he wasn't allowed to leave the floor and I was stuck in L&D for hours while they tried to get my BP under control.
I wish I had any suggestions on how to help, for me it just seems to be something that's happening over time, rather than instantaneously like it does for some moms. But I wanted you to know you're not the only one feeling like this!
You're definitely not alone. I love DS to pieces but I don't always feel as attached as other moms. I see posts where moms say they hate to leave their babies and want to take them EVERYWHERE. I've never felt that way. I need to get away from DS sometimes even if it's just for a couple of hours. Sometimes I miss life before being a mom... weekly date nights with DH, sleeping in, no bottles to clean, going where I want when I please. Actually I've been having a really tough time the past couple of weeks and DH called me out on it on Saturday. I just broke down and cried. Lately I've been feeling like I felt the first few weeks after DS was born. I think it's because DH has been traveling for work a lot and I feel like the brunt of the parenting has been left to me. I feel so guilty for these feelings because there's so many women out there who would be wonderful moms, but for whatever reason, they can't have a healthy baby. I love my son so much, but it's just very overwhelming. After explaining everything to DH he made me go out by myself and get a pedi/mani. Then he took Monday off and we went to the zoo, just the 3 of us. I feel so much better today knowing I got a little time by myself and another day just to spend the day with the 3 of us as a family.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to jack your thread.. but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone. Are you a SAHM or do you work outside the house? I was going to suggest if you are a SAHM to sign up for some baby classes or find activities with other moms. Finding fun things to do with LO may help you feel more bonded. Good luck!
I read your post and then I went and folded some laundry and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to say. It is hard for me to define the feeling of being bonded to DD. I think that sometimes I feel very bonded with her and other times I don't. I am an introvert and I SAHM so I'm alone all day w/her so I think sometimes a feeling of detachment comes with that and I definitely don't like that feeling.
DD was very sick a few hours after birth and they didn't know what was wrong with her and it was very terrifying. I think I found out how much I loved her in those hours because the idea that it was possible she might never come home with us was devastating beyond words. Once they figured out the problem she had to be in the NICU 5 days and it was really hard sitting there next to her but not really being able to take care of her. So I think in one way I was overwhelmed with love for her but in another way once we brought her home it was like, "Is this really MY baby? We have a baby?!" It was weird and I can't really explain it.
I think being a FTM is just a weird crazy overwhelming thing and there is no one right way to experience it. Like I said sometimes I feel really connected to her and other times I find myself sort of resenting how different my life is and almost wishing things were the way they once were. And then I feel bad for feeling that way.
Anyway, the times I feel most bonded to her definitely center around skin-to-skin time: when I'm breastfeeding (but not all the time), when I hold her while she falls asleep, when we take a bath together. So maybe you could try some of those things with your son more often and see if that helps?
I think what you are feeling is totally normal and I think you were really brave to put it out there. I think all parent/child relationships develop on their own pace and there is nothing wrong with how yours is going. However, if you think talking to a doctor or counselor would help you, I think that would be great too.
This post has gotten really long and rambly but I hope I got a bit of my point across. ((hugs))
Thanks for the help. I actually work full-time and DH works and goes to school full time, so much of the work with parenting does end up on me. I'm OK with that, but it is hard having to pick up more of the work because of DH's crazy busy schedule. I'm really looking forward to when he graduates in a year and a half or so, and we can have some sort of "normal" with DH just having a job, and not the massive amnouts of everything he has right now.
Thank you, that totally makes sense. And it does remind me to do those things more often. I *do* have those moments of joy, the sound of DS and DH lauging in the other room is one of my fondest memories.
I remember that feeling coming home, the is this really happening, is this really my baby, aren't they going to do something more to check us out before we are allowed to just drive away with this little guy. The first 24 hours I spent so much time being told what I could or could not do or when or how I could visit or pick up LO that it was just so strange to walk out of there.
Thank you!
I don't honestly know. Maybe it is part of the doubt that we all have as parents, if we're doing things right, the right way, etc. I just managed to ask myself am I loving my child the right way. =/
I don't know if this is related but sometimes I feel like I don't show her the "right" attention sometimes. For example, I pick her up from my MIL's and she is doing all of this stuff with LO on her lap. Things I would never think to do and LO is just laughing and having a ball. I feel like I don't get that much of a reaction from LO when I play with her. I mean, I get laughs but not like that. She seems to smile for EVERYBODY! So it makes me feel like she doesn't love me like I think she should. However, I know this is just my own insecurities. I play with LO all the time and talk to her all the time. It's weird. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I guess maybe in a sense I don't feel like she has bonded with me like she does others. Although when she's tired, she loves her some mommy.
@jgengo - I also get weird thoughts in my head like that. I was driving over a bridge the other day and got freaked out about the thought of going over and what would I do and the thought of LO drowning and I started crying. I couldn't shut it off. It happens more often that I would like.
I don't have time to read all the posts, but I wanted to quickly share some advice my mom gave me when DD was first born. I felt overwhelmed and could never imagine having another child and thought I must be a bad mom because of it. She said that it is important to remember that all moms feel this way at one time or another and this goes for everything. Just because it appears that someone else is the "perfect" mom doesn't mean they actually are.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that everyone feels this way sometimes. Its just that most people don't feel comfortable admitting it.