Baby's last name...

crazyduckme · October 2011

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and starting to think about names for my baby. I, unfortunately, am no longer with the father nor do I want him in my childs life. However, before we ended things, he wanted the child's last name to be his, however, I believe the baby should have MY last name.

Was I in the wrong to want my child's last name the same as my own? Especially if I didn't see the father and I becoming an item (which I told him at the time)?

He practically yelled at me saying it was disrespectful and that it must be a "regional" thing to do that. He said he has plenty of guy friends with multiple children with multiple women and they all chose his last name.

I think it would be weird to have a child with a different last name.

JhawkCE · October 2011

My child and I have different last names, but that's because I did not take my husband's last name.

I think the kid should have your last name. There's nothing weird about doing it either way, but if you're going to be the primary caregiver I would stand my ground and give him my name.

MomOfTwo2012 · October 2011

Thats a decision that you, and you alone, are going to have to make. Take your emotions out of the situation and think about whats best for your child. Think to years down the road when your baby starts asking questions. Are you prepared for them? Will you have a reason more than it just being weird that he/she has a different last name than you. From a personal stand point. My mother had a different last name than me and it never bothered me one bit.Lots of things for you to think about before making your decision. Good luck!

526SadieSadie · October 2011

I think you're well within your rights to give your baby your last name, especially if you aren't with the father anymore. But it worries me that you say you don't want him around. Your baby didn't get to choose his/her father. S/he deserves two parents, no matter what you think. If the father chooses to stay away, that's his loss. You really should think about what's better for the child before you make any decisions about visitation.

If he really wants to see his kid, he can take you to court and unless he's a felon or otherwise a degenerate, he'll get visitation.

CluckyEV · October 2011

I would be careful with this one. If you agreed to this and are now having a change of heart, he can always have it ordered for the LN to be changed. One of DH's friends had an agreement with is DS's mom, she went back on it and when they went to court for custody, it was ordered for her to legally change the name to the one they agreed on.

That being said, if you don't want your LO to have his name, then don't give it. That does not make him any less the father of your LO.

Your point about having a child with a different last name, would be moot if you ever got married and changed your LN. Even if you didn't change yours and had other children, you still may not have the same LN as them. Just something to think about.

GL with whatever you decide.

salt78 · October 2011

crazyduckme:
He practically yelled at me saying it was disrespectful and that it must be a "regional" thing to do that. He said he has plenty of guy friends with multiple children with multiple women and they all chose his last name.

1) His friends sound like a bunch of whores.

2) I don't think you are in the wrong at all. If he is not in your child's life, why should they share a last name?

I think the baby should have your last name.

psychgirl33 · October 2011

salt78:
crazyduckme:
He practically yelled at me saying it was disrespectful and that it must be a "regional" thing to do that. He said he has plenty of guy friends with multiple children with multiple women and they all chose his last name.
1) His friends sound like a bunch of whores.
2) I don't think you are in the wrong at all. If he is not in your child's life, why should they share a last name?
I think the baby should have your last name.

Yep. This.

Jazzyashes84 · October 2011

just because you aren't with him anymore - doesn't mean he's not going to be a part of your child's life, right? if he is going to be in the child's life then i would use his last name.i think that's the right thing to do.

IF you don't think he's going to stick around and he's not going to be there for baby then I don't see anything wrong with using your last name.

kiarstin · October 2011

You both have valid reasons for wanting the name to be your own. Its hard b/c he feels the baby is his baby and well its tradition and like a birth right. In this case do what you feel is right, so you have no regrets. My little sister had my mothers maiden name, when she was 16 SHE changed it to her dads by choice so keep in mind it is an option. If you are not together and you are the primary caregiver I feel the choice is yours, but try to understand where he is coming from. Also its not weird at all to have different last names as your kid, so don't let that be a deciding factor. I have 5 sisters 1 brother and there's 5 different last names, I never shared the last name of my other and it never bothered me and I never noticed. Having my fathers name meant a lot, even though my parents were separate I shared something with my dad, I was sad to see it go when I got married. With remarrying and people keeping their own last names its not out of the norm so I wouldnt worry

jineau · October 2011

I was that child. My mother gave me my biological "father's" last name. He was hardly ever in my life, never contributed anything to raising me financially or emotionally. My mother raised My brother and I on her own, put herself through college, put my brother and I through college. She made us who we are. It wasn't until I had my first child that my father decided he wanted to be involved in my life. He since then remarried and had 2 other kids who he would openly spoil and rub in my face. My husband was never very fond of him, because he was so mean to me. I had always held hope for having a relationship with my father and tried so hard. It wasn't until we decided to have a small wedding last year so our family could be there to see it since they all complained that they really wanted to be a part of it. we just wanted parents grand parents and siblings. Since we were paying for it and it was more or less a ceremony and small reception. Me "dad" called said he wouldn't be coming and to have a nice life. WTF! he convinced his parents my grandparents whom I do love and adore not to go. Since then I have had no contact from my half siblings or any of that side of family. It was a long drawn out process took a year and $340 to have my maiden name changed to that of my mothers. I have my husbands last name but growing up I hated having that mans name so that finally made up my mind, for me to dissociate myself completely. Especially because my novels print my full name on the covers. There was a lot of legalm hoops and then hassel in changing accts. drivers license etc. I asked my mom why she gave me his last name all the time growing up. She said in the hospital she gave me her last name, but by the time the birth certificate came about she was pushed into using his name. My advice stick to your gut, don't let anybody influence you!

Shmogan09 · October 2011

If you are going to be raising the baby and he will only be around when he feels like it he has no right to anything in my opinion. I would give the baby your last name.

Now, if you are agreeing to some type of 50/50 custody I would hyphenate.

mhollidayesq · October 2011

Such a personal choice. Normally I would advocate the child having the father's name. That being said, if he is not going to be in the child's life as a father I can see why you wouldn't choose his name. I know you all are not together and you don't want him in the child's life...but what are his intentions? Part of me wants to say just bcs you decided/realized now that this is not the person you want to be with or want to be your child's father it's a bit too late for that. If he wants to parent the child and doesn't pose any physical, mental or emotional harm to the child then I think your little one is owed the chance to have that, including the last name.

jineau · October 2011

psychgirl33:
salt78:
crazyduckme:
He practically yelled at me saying it was disrespectful and that it must be a "regional" thing to do that. He said he has plenty of guy friends with multiple children with multiple women and they all chose his last name.
1) His friends sound like a bunch of whores.
2) I don't think you are in the wrong at all. If he is not in your child's life, why should they share a last name?
I think the baby should have your last name.
oh yeah and I agree with this
Yep. This.

BitsKD13 · October 2011

psychgirl33:
salt78:

crazyduckme:
He practically yelled at me saying it was disrespectful and that it must be a "regional" thing to do that. He said he has plenty of guy friends with multiple children with multiple women and they all chose his last name.

1) His friends sound like a bunch of whores.

2) I don't think you are in the wrong at all. If he is not in your child's life, why should they share a last name?

I think the baby should have your last name.

Yep. This.

I agree too.

If the dad is going to be in the child's life then it would be a different thing. If he likely won't be then go ahead and give the baby your last name.

mommadawn1012 · October 2011

When I was preg with DS, the sperm donor wanted nothing to do with us, especially since he would tell everyone that it "wasn't his baby". So of course I knew that the best thing to do would be to give DS my last name. If he is going to treat you like that, you need to think about what is best for you and the baby, not some douche bag who has idiot friends who obviously can't keep their wieners where they should be and not inside every female they see.

Sorry I'm kinda grumpy this morning lol!

kiarstin · October 2011

jineau:
I was that child. My mother gave me my biological "father's" last name. He was hardly ever in my life, never contributed anything to raising me financially or emotionally. My mother raised My brother and I on her own, put herself through college, put my brother and I through college. She made us who we are. It wasn't until I had my first child that my father decided he wanted to be involved in my life. He since then remarried and had 2 other kids who he would openly spoil and rub in my face. My husband was never very fond of him, because he was so mean to me. I had always held hope for having a relationship with my father and tried so hard. It wasn't until we decided to have a small wedding last year so our family could be there to see it since they all complained that they really wanted to be a part of it. we just wanted parents grand parents and siblings. Since we were paying for it and it was more or less a ceremony and small reception. Me "dad" called said he wouldn't be coming and to have a nice life. WTF! he convinced his parents my grandparents whom I do love and adore not to go. Since then I have had no contact from my half siblings or any of that side of family. It was a long drawn out process took a year and $340 to have my maiden name changed to that of my mothers. I have my husbands last name but growing up I hated having that mans name so that finally made up my mind, for me to dissociate myself completely. Especially because my novels print my full name on the covers. There was a lot of legalm hoops and then hassel in changing accts. drivers license etc. I asked my mom why she gave me his last name all the time growing up. She said in the hospital she gave me her last name, but by the time the birth certificate came about she was pushed into using his name. My advice stick to your gut, don't let anybody influence you!

My husband has only seen his father a handful of time in 30 years, he has his Dads last name, when I asked how he would feel about taking mine since I am close to my father and he only has girls his response " If its the only thing my dad gave me I am fine with that, I am still part my dad I am happy to keep it and happy to give it to you" I don't have a point, but I think its neat how two people in similar situations can look at something so different. To poster, you never know if you child will decide to change their name on their own.

jmgcoggins · October 2011

I think the child should have your last name. He won't be there through everything that your going to be going through with this pregnancy. He won't be there for the birth and chances are he won't be there during any other part of the child's life. So why go through the hassle of it having a guys last name that it won't ever know.

It's not really weird, though, to have a different last name then your child's. My last name was different from my DS's until September (when he was 16 months old) when DH & I got married.

honeybunches101 · October 2011

Maybe you should ask this question on the Single Parents board, I imagine they have dealt with similar issues.

If I were you, I'd definitely give the baby your last name. Even if the father plans to be in the baby's life, if you are the primary caregiver, the baby should have your name. From what I understand if you give the baby the dad's last name and then ever want to change it (like if the dad drops out of the picture, or you get married and want to change your name) it is very very difficult to change the baby's name if it's not your last name.

JFH2010 · October 2011

honeybunches101:
I'd definitely give the baby your last name. Even if the father plans to be in the baby's life, if you are the primary caregiver, the baby should have your name.

This. If you will have full custody (even with him having visitation), the baby should have your last name.

And totally agreed on pps comment about daddy's friends whoring around...are you kidding me?? His friends can't keep it in their pants and they're his argument for the baby taking his last name? Ick.

shannm · October 2011

I think there is nothing wrong with using your name, especially considering you were never married.

But I will say that my son and I do not share last names. He has my husband's and I didn't take it. It is not weird to me at all.

If the dad and his family is going to play an active role in the baby's life, I would consider compromising about the name though. If not using his completely, maybe using both in some way?

acheever14 · October 2011

In WI it is 100% the mothers decisioni what the childs first, middle and last name would be. If I would have known at the time I wouldn't be with DD's father I would have given her my last name. Now it would be impossible to change it since the father is a total A$$. I would definitely give the baby your last name!! Congrats!!

dojo1 · October 2011

If I were you, I'd stick with my last name as I would be the primary care-giver and I'd want my child and I to share the same name. I wouldn't be rushing out to honour someone else's last name if the decision is totally in my hands. Also, I could not care less about what other baby-momma's have done with their children's last name. This ones's mine and I'll make my decisions about it, thankyouverymuch!

ryry1977 · October 2011

I think your child should have your last name. It will just make things so much easier in your future. Even if you get married someday and have a different name from LO at that time, it is still better that LO has your maiden name.

kcanuck · October 2011

I would totally give the child your last name.

Also, get a lawyer and get support for this child nailed down!

Best of luck in a difficult situation.

KRISTA555 · October 2011

Do you believe he will play an active role in this child's life? Statistically, the chances are slim, but it is possible that he will step up to the plate and be the father he should be to this child.

I believe in father's rights, and I believe that a father is just as rightful to make parenting choices as a mother--- however all that goes out the window if either of the parents abandons the child.

Would you consider a hyphenated last name?

Maybe you should just wait and see what happens as the pregnancy goes along. You don't have to figure this out right now. If he is supportive and present during the pregnancy and delivery, then you might consider hyphenating. If he doesn't play an active role during pregnancy and delivery (provided you give him the chance, of course), then there's no reason to believe that he's going to start being responsible after the baby is born.

crazyduckme · October 2011

The father lives 3 hours away... he "says" he's going to move closer to be here for the baby, but he has absolutely NO money to find a place or a job in 5 months. I just don't see anything GOOD happening if I keep him in the baby's life.

Yes, I realize he's the father, but if he keeps working 2nd shift, 3 hours away, he won't be seeing the baby anyways.

It's definitely a hard decision for me to make, but I feel like the toxic part of our past relationship will ruin a lot of things, and I don't want that for my child. I don't want my kid growing up with an absent father or a weekend father... I'd much rather do this on my own and find someone who actually cares for me and my child.

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