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Parenting after 35
Breaking the news to unsupportive family
My husband and I got married earlier this year and recently found out we're pregnant. We've been waiting until after the first u/s to tell everyone that we're expecting but hubby decided to test the waters yesterday and told his children who are in their 20's that we're going to be starting trying to have a baby. We had made this comment before and it was always met with blank stares or laughs. Apparently this time they took him seriously because in his words "they went ballistic". Luckily I wasn't there for the exchange but apparently he is too old (41), it will put his health at risk, it's a stupid idea, and other things he said he didn't think I wanted to hear. He was right.
His one daughter is currently pregnant and took it the hardest so he suggested we wait until she has her baby before we tell them. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to hide a baby bump at 6 months. That would also mean not telling anyone until then. No friends or family because word would get around to her. Maybe I'm being too emotional right now but it feels like I'm getting cheated in this idea somehow. I should be able to be happy and not have to hide the morning sickness, tiredness, and bump. By the time we tell people they will think I've become lazy and fat since we're gotten hitched.
I don't know what to do, say, or think. Any advice? Experiences?
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Re: Breaking the news to unsupportive family
I can imagine that his children would be uncomfortable to hear about their father having another child--especially a they are in their 20s and probably expected to be it--but they should also be mature enough to realize that your husband is still young (I'm 41 too and, to me, it's still young) and is entitled to have more children with his wife (you).
While I understand his reasons to want to protect his pregnant daughter, you are right in that you are being cheated -- because you are. I think you should put telling them "officially" on hold until your 2nd trimester but by then you should be able to freely share your joy.
I assume this is your first pregnancy? Either way, congratulations! Savor every minute of it. And try not to let your adult stepchildren damper your happiness. Hopefully they'll come around.
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While I appreciate his sentiment in trying to protect his pg daughter, I think trying to hide your pg and expecting you to tell none of your other support network during this time is unreasonable. Maybe compromise until out of the first tri but I think you all need to be able to be happy about your impending addition and simply hope his adult children can actually be adult about it and be happy for you too. GL and congrats!
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Sounds to me like there's more going on here. Are they unhappy about your marriage to begin with? If so, too bad. They're in their 20's and your husband is still young and you need to live your life as a married couple.
I'd keep the pregnancy on the dl until the start of the 2nd trimester regardless of the situation but once the 13th week rolls around I'd tell whomever I want to tell.
He can't let his kids run his life forever. And I speak as a grown kid who spent her 20's and early 30's VERY unhappy with my mother and the decisions she made in her personal life. You know what? I got the heck over it. Eventually. It took a long time but we're good now.
I agree with some of the PP. Those adult children need to "scratch their a$$ and get glad." 41 is not old. DH was 46 and I was 40 when M was born and he turned 48 Monday and says that having M around has made him more flexible and think more about his health than before him.
I would wait until 12 weeks to tell the kids but perhaps tell your friends so you can have someone to be excited with. And after 12 weeks, let it all hang out.
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Congratulations on your pregnancy. I agree with what ppl have said already regarding waiting until you get through the 1st trimester.
You have a right to enjoy your growing family and his adult children should be mature enough to accept that your husband has a life.
Good luck and try to stay stress-free.
I agree w/ the others. The idea of not telling until she has her baby? Come on. PLus- does your DH really think that will help? "Hi- I've been hiding this HUGE secret from you for 6 months!!!". That will piss them off too.
However, what bothers me is that he really kind of lied to them already. "we're starting to TTC" but yet you're already PG.. You dont' think they will figure it out?
He's giving his kids WAY too much power in his life. He needs to own his decisions and TELL them what's going on. It actually gives them less room to act like this because right now it seems almost like he's asking their permission. So they are going to be more vocal. But the less he "asks" and the more he tells - the less they have to respond to.
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DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10