- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Stay at Home Moms
If Your Teenage Daughter Got Pregnant....
Just a hypothetical question brought on by some issues going on in DH's extended family.
If your very-immature and emotionally disturbed (cutting) 15-year old daughter got pregnant.... what would you do / recommend that she do?
May DD later.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If Your Teenage Daughter Got Pregnant....
Enter counseling immediately and explore all her options.
And as the mom of an adopted DD, I'd have that in the back of my mind the whole time. As in, we got the greatest gift, and would hope that's what she would choose.
But it's such a hypothetical....
Right but it's even more unfair to the baby to have immature daughter crashing at some teen's house and struggling to raise the baby.
I second seeking counseling immediately. And I think forcing the teenager into any decision would be a mistake. At best she will only resent you for it in the future, regardless of what the decision was.
I can't say. I got knocked up at 19 and I kept it and don't have any regrets with how my life turned out. I know many other women who had babies very young - as young as 13 - and their lives turned out fine. I'm a rare person in that I don't think a teen pregnancy is an absolute disaster.
I like to think I would support her no matter what....if she wanted to keep the baby, go for an abortion or adoption. I like to think I'd keep a level head and not completely freak out like my parents did. I like to think that my daughter wouldn't be emotionally disturbed in the first place. But who knows?
That's true, which is why I would *very* strongly encourage either termination or adoption. If nothing else, I would spend the time telling her the baby won't live in my home so that she is forced to understand the reality of the situation (financially and emotionally) before coming to a final decision. I'm sure in the end they would live with me if she truly felt she needed to keep this baby, but I wouldn't want her to know that was an option.
That's pretty tough. I understand your reasoning but I don't think I'd have the heart to tell my teenage daughter that I'd kick out my own grandchild.
I agree w/ MamatoJackson. If the teen wanted to raise the baby, there would be an inconceivable amount of discussion and conversation about how she would plan to raise the child and what would be expected of the teen while living at home. Probably a discussion that should be had before the decision to raise baby or not is made since that should all weigh in on the decision making.
Oh, my... This really has me thinking about my own DD. I just hope I do everything I can to help her prevent a teen pregnancy.
My other plan is that I will make all of that clear *before* she is sexually active. Right before I started high school my mom sat me down and made it clear that she was done raising babies and that she would very happily help me with contraceptive options if I was choosing to have sex. Both her openness about contraception and the fact that she made it clear loooong before it was an issue that she was not raising a child of mine helped me make decisions. I was a virgin until after high school graduation because she scared me enough. My sister was not, but she also made sure to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.
I agree it wouldn't be easy to tell her that her child has no home with me, but I think spending that time at least making her think about the responsibilities in having a child would be very useful to her learning how to deal with a difficult situation. And if she was having a baby as a teenager that is difficult! I will also say I would never preach abstinence only then pretend to be upset when my teenager came home pregnant.
ETA: Changed college graduation to HS!
I had DD#1 at fifteen. I kept her and my parents helped me raise her until I could do it on my own. It was very difficult, I got a job the minute I turned 16 and worked full time. I got my GED and went to college full time with still working full time. My mom watched DD for me while I went to school and worked. My parents helped me so much! I wouldn't be where I am today without them and am forever grateful. I was always the mother, my parents never tried to step on my toes and they never tried to make DD theirs. But they helped me tremendously.
When I got pregnant they weren't shocked. Well I think my dad was but my mom wasn't. They knew I was having sex and I was actually on BC. They said they would support whatever decision I made. Even though I know they are pro-life they weren't going to make any decision for me and made sure I had info on all the options. I would be the same way if my DD got pregnant young but hopefully she will learn from the decision I made and make different choices in her life.
I should mention that unfortunately this girl, in particular, has a very screwed up home-life and no support from her mother, etc., which is partly why she got into this situation, I'm sure.
Her mother doesn't love her, she knows it, and I'm sure she's wanting something to love her.
It just got me thinking about how I would handle it and it's a pretty tough thing with no perfect answer. Their situation, unfortunately, is a mess all-around.
I'd like to think that I'd get her the professional help she needs to make the decision that's right for her. I'd also like to think that I'd be supportive of whatever she decides. Gosh, what a difficult situation for any parent to be in. I think it would be somewhat easier if the teenager didn't have other emotional issues that she was dealing with, but I don't think teenage pregnancy is ever an easy experience.
My parents are still married and my mom does stay home. However, they do not have much money. They live paycheck to paycheck and don't own their home or drive new cars. They make it work though. When I had my daughter I couldn't get a job (I was too young) so my parents bought everything I needed. But once I was old enough to work I had to get a job right away and pay for my own and my DD's expenses other than rent and household bills. I also had to pay my mom to babysit.
Yes, my parents were still married, financially well-off and my mom didn't work. That was a huge factor in why they were able to help me as much as they did.
I'm glad you are considering your mom's situation. You can't assume that you'll act the same way your parents did and you can't assume that your daughter will react the same was as you did.
Like I mentioned, my parents were devastated by my pregnancy. The way they sobbed and ranted and carried on, you would have thought I had full-blown AIDS. I had resentment towards them for years, even with all the help they provided.
Even once I decided to keep the baby, they had such negativity. It was like their cross to bear - they are religious and they would have disowned me for an abortion - but they made it plain to me every day that my life was going to be hard, all the stuff in the posts above about 'making it clear to the teen'. I heard all of it. All it accomplished was to make me terrified out of my mind and put up a huge wall between me and my parents. I spent 9 months dreading the birth of my baby because of the picture of my life that my parents vividly painted for me.
I appreciate that they didn't have much money and am sure it was difficult, but since your mom SAH there was someone to watch the baby while you worked (paid sitter or not) and got your GED. My mom worked well more than 40 hours a week (she runs her own Interior Design firm) so she wasn't around to help in any way. And going rate for a sitter in our area was far above the minimum wage jobs I was able to get in HS (I worked all through HS to pay for my own food and clothes because my mom was so tight). There literally was nobody at home who could have watched a child so I could get on my own two feet.
My best friend was a cutter for YEARS!
She needed serious psychiatric counselling.
I'm so sorry your parents treated you that way. I would not be as negative as I think I'm sounding, and you're probably right that I wouldn't be so hard when my situation is very different (DH and I have a very good marriage and I SAH and if/when I do go back to work, it will be for extras not survival). I would be very upset, especially since I do intend to arm them with knowlege on prevention. But, my first was multiple BC failure (condom leaked but didn't break, and sperm got past the spermicide) so I totally understand nothing's 100% (and I've had serious reactions to BCP so hormones aren't an option for me).
In the end it's really hard to say what I would do, but I wouldn't just raise the kid no questions asked (a classmate of mine's mother did just that and it didn't do anyone any good). I would make her aware of just what raising a baby means beforehand and she would be the primary caregiver no question. And I would spend the time leading up to the birth drilling into her just what her decision to raise this baby would mean in her life.Great thought-provoking post.
If it were my daughter, obviously we would get to counseling. I would encourage keeping the baby or adoption and I would actively help her in either of those decisions; including letting them live with me.
I would not support an abortion. I don't think a teenager (or anyone) should get to kill a baby because they made a poor decision. I also believe the emotional scars from an abortion can be dehabilitating. I support an organization (Rachael's Vineyard) that provides counseling to women who have had an abortion. It's awful what they go through afterwards and for the rest of their lives.
In the case of your family member -- it would seem that adoption is the way to go. It might be healing for her to meet and choose a couple to raise her baby, and see the joy that she can bring out of this situation. A good family law attorney could help the process, as well any many adoption and pro-life organizations. I also support an organization (the Gabriel Project) that gives financial support to mothers in this situation as well as practical support (diapers, rides to OB appointments).
DD#1 and I have had this very discussion as she recently had a friend (a year or 2 older) have a baby. DD also knows that her dad and I had her when I was 18 (got pg at 17) and he was 17 and that it sucked (the situation, not her).
Our parents were/are both married and they were both initially po'd and then they moved on to acceptance pretty quickly as there was no point in dwelling on what they couldn't change. Ex worked after school each day and then we I graduated I worked while my mom or his mom watched DD (she split time between our houses). Both sets of parents helped out when they could, in fact in hindsight I think they helped out more than they should of. Someone always babysat on a Friday night so we could go out with a couple we knew, just to have some fun (dinner and movie). However, my mom also had my younger sister 7 months after DD#1 was born. All in all, ex and I got lucky. DD was the 1st grandkid for both and while they were eventually excited, they made sure we took responsibility (buying her stuff, getting up with her at night, discipline, etc.)
With DD, she knows all of that. I have explained that while we love her we have absolutely NO interest in raising another baby. At all. Plus, we have discussed what her future plans are and how an unexpected pregnancy could really mess things up. Unfortunately (fortunately?), she has plenty of examples to show her how screwed up things can get when something like that happens. That not just pregnancy but sex itself can really affect a relationship. The emotions, the possible diseases, etc.
She has made it clear that she's not ready for sex, babies, etc. and I respect that. However, she will be going on some form of birth control as I said that once too. 9 months later I had her.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
DD and I have had an open conversation about this for years. She's 18. We'd go to the clinic. With that said that's another reason she's chosen to abstain. She knows it would be a very rough choice and just feels she's too young to deal with that.
FWIW you really need to have an open conversation, a safe one, with your kids through out the teen years.
Tough one. If she already has a screwed up homelife, I would not want to bring up a new baby in that environment. Maybe adoption (even by another family member) ?
When I started high school my mom made me go on birth control. She wanted me to get an IUD (and told me I couldn't have it removed until I graduated college!) but I begged and pleaded and we agreed to BCP. They actually cleared my skin up and made my cramps easier, my period lighter, and I didn't have any objections to taking them. I wasn't having sex at the time, but she didn't care. Every time I got sick (like throwing up sick) in high school my mom would flip out and accuse me of being pregnant. There's nothing better than having someone scream at you about being pregnant when you are not sexually active and have food poisoning at 4am.
Personally, I think I would be supportive no matter what my daughter (or my son and his girlfriend) chose, but I would be really relieved if they decided to terminate. Especially if my child's mental health was questionable... I guess it depends on the situation... How mature is your teenager? How mature is their partner? Do they have realistic ideas about what being a teenage parent means? Are they even responsible enough to carry a pregnancy to term? At thirteen I'd have really different feelings about it than at seventeen...
That is going to be a very tough situation. She's likely not going to get the help she needs unless/until she's older and can get it for herself. It sounds to me like she's going to end up having the baby and struggling to get through life.
Is she a good kid otherwise? Just acting out because of her chaotic home life? As in, could this be the wake-up call she needs to get at least her own life in order as much as possible? And where is her father and the rest of her family in all of this?
One reason I ask is that DH's cousin was in a similar situation. She got pregnant at 19 (she wanted her live-in boyfriend to not move out; um, that backfired). She was working a dead-end job and didn't have much of a future. It's amazing to see how much she's matured since she had her son. She got a steady job and met an amazing man who loves her son unconditionally. I never thought she'd be the one to straighten up, to be honest.
Definitely agree! I can't personally relate because I was not a teen mom but my best friend was and I watched her go through telling her parents, the pregnancy, busting up with the baby's dad, etc. It was no walk in the park but she loves her son and today has no regrets about her decision to keep him. Her parents were very realistic with her as far as both the perks and burdens of raising a child
This is how I stand as well. Teenagers (even "good" ones) make horrible split second decisions that could change and even derail their life altogether. If my otherwise "good" daughter made a bad decision (in my mind that would be having sex period, but really having sex without protection, or failed protection or whatever--and shame on the poster above not considering girls who get pg due to date rape--they can't terminate either?) why would I force her with these types of consequences? Maybe because I don't fundamentally believe that a baby should be a "consequence"... I'm not sure if my thinking would change if I had a "troubled" daughter. The other poster brought up a good point about drugs/alchohol/etc affecting the baby and the host of health issues that could be associated with that. Am I prepared to care for my special needs/special health grandkid cause my daughter is a f*ckup? Not sure...Also, likelihood of special needs/health baby being adopted out? Ah, so many paths...
No, she is not. She lies, sneaks out, uses profanity, smokes pot (hopefully not now??), sleeps around, etc. Her announcement on FB about her pregnancy started with, "Hey bitches, yeah, I'm preggo...." yadda, yadda.
It's such a train wreck.
This girl is (this is convuluted) my FIL's granddaughter from his first marriage. So, DH's half-sister's daughter.
When the mother of this girl and her husband divorced (three years ago), the mother asked my MIL and FIL if she and her 3 girls, including the pregnant one, could move in with them. They lived there for a year but as soon as they were moved in, the mother started seeing some guy and was never home. So, my MIL and FIL took care of these girls for over a year... The girls were 13, 15 and 17 at the time and MIL/FIL are in their late 60's.
Family is definitely willing to provide support but it's hard to do so when the mother doesn't care, enables the young girl to participate in bad behavior and the young girl won't take anyone's advice because none of the people trying to give it are her parent.
I feel so bad for the baby.
So she is you niece.
I would hope that if she has that many problems someone would help her (maybe grandparents) to understand that a baby isn't going to fix anything and is only going to make things more difficult. If she wont listen to adults because they aren't her parents then she is in for a rude awakening when she has the baby. I hope she chooses adoption and keeps herself healthy for the baby's sake.