Have any of you had to "break up" with your Mom or close fam?

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

Just wondering, as I am considering it myself. How did you do it? Did you make yourself very clear as to why? My mother is VERY pushy & always hell bent on getting her way. She also lives in crazytown when it comes to how far in denial she will place herself to keep life as she wants it. She was a very abusive alcoholic growing up, & I left home @ 17, happily & healthily not looking back. Life does not work with her unless you just stfu & do what she wants, then she might even be sweet as can be. Now she doesnt drink for health reasons, & is back in contact with me since my dear Grandma passed, and is nicer & wants to be best friends. BUT she wont admit to ANYTHING she ever did wrong & causes me nothing but stress as she will PUSH & MANIPULATE to get her way whatever it is. She does not take no for an answer & is the type that you have to be very blunt with & then YOU are the one out of line!

I told her her that her husband (who was supposed to be my FATHER, he adopted me when I was 3) was capable of some pretty bad pervy things & she told me I was overreacting & everyone grows up & lets go of stuff (right, as she got wasted for 20 years). Right after that, I miscarried. Now she is SO upset that I havent talked to her & I said well, it may have to do with the fact that you dont care that I told you about this issue that has caused me a lot of pain, etc etc. She said "OH THAT? I AM OVER THAT ALREADY!" WTF??

She is texting me now about how much it hurts that I am not contacting her & how I should come over & blah blah blah. Never acknowledging that I have been trying to deal with our very serious issues & told her I will not be coming to spend time with her in my stepdads house. Child abuse & sexual abuse leaves long lasting scars. I have done a lot of work with therapy & my faith to heal & I am much better off not trying to explain & defend myself to her, as she was right effing there the whole time, so she knows damn well what happened & she is trying to act clueless. I have enough going on without this crap. Have any of you had to cut ties? I didnt want to be this dramatic as to just end the releationship but she is just too demanding & far to deep in denial. I just dont know what to do. I am praying to be led to the right answer so for now I havent responded or made a move.

ElizaSquan · October 2011

I have a sister who is just not a very nice person. She also lives in crazy town, but not to the degree that you have experienced. It is just her own world and she interprets the truth in her own twisted way.

The way I (and my other sisters) cut things off with her was to just not contact her. We just didn't call, didn't write, didn't invite her to things. She lives in her world and we live in ours. It was a breakup in the "she's just not that into you" kind of way.

MomtobeNJ · October 2011

My husband has not spoken to his mother in almost 6 years. She was abusive to him when he was growing up, but he managed to forgive her and move past it when he became an adult. But there came a time when that behavior started to creep back in, and he just couldn't handle her anymore.

When we first got married I didn't really understand it and I encouraged him to try to make it work. But I saw how hurtful she was and how it affected him, so I supported his decision to cut all ties with her. He needed to do it for his own sanity. Their relationship was SO unhealthy and destructive.

It makes me sad that she will not be in our child's life. On the other hand, I don't want to take the slightest chance that she would hurt our child the way she hurt him. So it is for the best.

amyrdz522 · October 2011

I am sorry you are having to deal with that. I do not have much advice but I hope you come to the right decision and it is what is right for you.

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

TMaggie0424:
YHPM. (HUGS)

Tx, MYB

mikeANDjen448 · October 2011

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. First.. BIG {{{hugs}}}.

Second, I have gone through something similar, yet with somewhat different details. I am MORE than happy to discuss with you if you want to PM me...... The stories can get kinda long! In the meantime, I have found the book "Boundries" to be the most helpful thing out there. It really puts things into perspective when dealing with manipulative people that are narcisstic and live in CrazyTown. It is a tough place to be....and I am in and out of it right there with you. Please please, don't hesitate to contact me if you just want someone to go through this with you.

Left Hug Right Hug

1220winterbride · October 2011

This just sucks. I am so sorry. Luckily I havent had to completely eliminate anyone but in the first few months I really only wanted to see or speak to DH anyway. Choose yourself! Put yourself and your own feelings first! You have been through a big trauma and you need time to heal. crazy or not she should try to repect that, but based on her history it sounds like she is going to put herself first no matter what. Good luck-

Steph_NJ · October 2011

Sorry you're going through all this! I cut ties with my dad 3 years ago. Things had been pretty much fine until my parents divorced and he remarried, to someone who is "like oil and water" with me, as my dad puts it. She just can't stand me, and it's pretty much mutual. After 10 years of her pettiness, backstabbing, criticism, etc and him taking her side every time, the final straw came with my wedding. He was critical in general, but especially that the photographer didn't take "enough" pictures of my stepsiblings, "his family" was how he put it. That was a big fight and I did just say that I was "done" with it. He tried to mend fences but I was ready to move on.

After my DD was born, I tried again but he was always putting his stepkids' babies first. He's only seen DD a few times, and that was after lots of calls to him, him seeing when he could fit me in around all his stepgrandkid's stuff. I called him for Father's Day and he cut me off saying he was busy. So I haven't talked to him since then.

I was really upset at first, but I feel a lot better about it now. There's a lot less drama and tension, which is better for my marriage. And I don't want my DD to deal with all that. So I'm at peace with my decision.

Gator687 · October 2011

I have had to do this with a couple of family members. First my sister. It's a long story on how i'm adopting and raising her son. But she is the meanest, most hateful person I have ever known. She is on and off drugs, and I can't allow her to be in my life due to the stress it causes my DH and I. Also my MIL. She hates me and is constantly saying hateful and rude things to and about my DH and I and our family. So when we miscarried the first time, we figured that we probably need to eliminate as much drama and stress out of our lives as we possibly could, whether it was family or not causing it. And honestly, we didn't make ourselves completely clear as to why we were doing this, our family members have kind of gotten the hint, and I feel as though they probably know what and that we shouldn't have to explain our decisions to anyone. We have blocked numbers and done what we have to do. Now my Mom's sister has moved close by us and is influencing my Mom in a bad way. We are actually considering moving out of state in the near future to kind of start over, and get away from the stress our crazy families seem to cause us. We figure our life will be much more peaceful if we only have to see them a few times a year rather than living 10 minutes away from all of them. Since we have made the decision to wipe our hands of them, our lives have actually been much more peaceful and a lot less drama. So I can't wait to see what will happen if we move. I am in just such a bad place after having two miscarriages, that I only need positive people around me. It may sound insensitive, but there's a lot of back story as to why we made our decisions to cut family members out of our lives, and ultimately it's the best decision for our family. It's such a hard call to make, and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide!

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

mikeANDjen448:

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. First.. BIG {{{hugs}}}.

Second, I have gone through something similar, yet with somewhat different details. I am MORE than happy to discuss with you if you want to PM me...... The stories can get kinda long! In the meantime, I have found the book "Boundries" to be the most helpful thing out there. It really puts things into perspective when dealing with manipulative people that are narcisstic and live in CrazyTown. It is a tough place to be....and I am in and out of it right there with you. Please please, don't hesitate to contact me if you just want someone to go through this with you.

Thank you!! My first therapist gave me a book called "Codependent no More". Apparently its an old classic, & it talks about how to not get caught up in others demands & manipulative cycles and living for yourself. I need to reread it, but I will be looking up your book too, because if I dont stick to my boundaries, I know it will be bad news for me. Ive got to finish up work, for now, but same as you said, feel free to pm me anytime as well!

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

I just wanted to thank all of you for your responses, I know I am not the only one dealing with crap like this. It helps to read your responses and get so much great support from this board. I hope all of you and your families make the decisions that bring you peace as well. And have lots of babies! Big Smile

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

Gator687:
I have had to do this with a couple of family members. First my sister. It's a long story on how i'm adopting and raising her son. But she is the meanest, most hateful person I have ever known. She is on and off drugs, and I can't allow her to be in my life due to the stress it causes my DH and I. Also my MIL. She hates me and is constantly saying hateful and rude things to and about my DH and I and our family. So when we miscarried the first time, we figured that we probably need to eliminate as much drama and stress out of our lives as we possibly could, whether it was family or not causing it. And honestly, we didn't make ourselves completely clear as to why we were doing this, our family members have kind of gotten the hint, and I feel as though they probably know what and that we shouldn't have to explain our decisions to anyone. We have blocked numbers and done what we have to do. Now my Mom's sister has moved close by us and is influencing my Mom in a bad way. We are actually considering moving out of state in the near future to kind of start over, and get away from the stress our crazy families seem to cause us. We figure our life will be much more peaceful if we only have to see them a few times a year rather than living 10 minutes away from all of them. Since we have made the decision to wipe our hands of them, our lives have actually been much more peaceful and a lot less drama. So I can't wait to see what will happen if we move. I am in just such a bad place after having two miscarriages, that I only need positive people around me. It may sound insensitive, but there's a lot of back story as to why we made our decisions to cut family members out of our lives, and ultimately it's the best decision for our family. It's such a hard call to make, and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide!

Wow I totally get the urge to move, and it sounds like you have a lot of people not good for you in your fam!! I dont think it is insensitive at all, you have to do what is healthy for you, and that applies to all of us on this post dealing with this crap. I cant move, because my husbands family is so wonderful & the fam I have made out of close friends is here as well. I didnt have good family growing up around me, and I want my kids to. I just want kids, ha ha! Good luck and God Bless on your big decision to move, it sounds like you really might benefit.

butterfly843 · October 2011

I had to stop talking to my mom, she was verbally and physically abusive. I was raised by my dad and stepmom. It took years for my dad to get full custody, when I got older I tried having a relationship with her and she denied everything and went back to being verbally abusive so I cut her out for good. If you ever need to talk pm me.

amandachs · October 2011

I'm so sorry, and you have email

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

amandachs:

I'm so sorry, and you have

I looked a couple times but I don't see it. Am I blind?

amandachs · October 2011

mrsgaines100:
amandachs:

I'm so sorry, and you have

I looked a couple times but I don't see it. Am I blind?

Hmmm... I double checked and I see it on my side. Maybe TB needs a few minutes to catch up.

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

amandachs:
mrsgaines100:
amandachs:

I'm so sorry, and you have

I looked a couple times but I don't see it. Am I blind?

Hmmm... I double checked and I see it on my side. Maybe TB needs a few minutes to catch up.

I just wrote you a HUGE response, and it said "user not found"!!! All my writing is gone! I hope you get it- I spent a lot of time responding to ya and really appreciate your message! Now I have to leave, and wont be back today. ARRGG!

amandachs · October 2011

mrsgaines100:
amandachs:
mrsgaines100:
amandachs:

I'm so sorry, and you have

I looked a couple times but I don't see it. Am I blind?

Hmmm... I double checked and I see it on my side. Maybe TB needs a few minutes to catch up.

I just wrote you a HUGE response, and it said "user not found"!!! All my writing is gone! I hope you get it- I spent a lot of time responding to ya and really appreciate your message! Now I have to leave, and wont be back today. ARRGG!

Awwww!! I'm here and I'm real, I promise!! Sad I didn't get it though, maybe we can catch up tomorrow.

mikeANDjen448 · October 2011

mrsgaines100:
mikeANDjen448:

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. First.. BIG {{{hugs}}}.

Second, I have gone through something similar, yet with somewhat different details. I am MORE than happy to discuss with you if you want to PM me...... The stories can get kinda long! In the meantime, I have found the book "Boundries" to be the most helpful thing out there. It really puts things into perspective when dealing with manipulative people that are narcisstic and live in CrazyTown. It is a tough place to be....and I am in and out of it right there with you. Please please, don't hesitate to contact me if you just want someone to go through this with you.

Thank you!! My first therapist gave me a book called "Codependent no More". Apparently its an old classic, & it talks about how to not get caught up in others demands & manipulative cycles and living for yourself. I need to reread it, but I will be looking up your book too, because if I dont stick to my boundaries, I know it will be bad news for me. Ive got to finish up work, for now, but same as you said, feel free to pm me anytime as well!

I have read that one!! It is great. Another one that I have read recently that I would recommend other than Boundries is "Love Is A Choice". Phenomenal. I actually got more out of it than even Boundries. {{{hugs}}}

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