Ok, so my FULL story. Detailed Graphic Sad death LONG!

pottermommy · October 2011

Ok so I know some, most of you know a bit about my story with Kamryn and her drowning. I just recently answered a post and I wanted to go ahead and post the actual story of what happened. Mainly because it goes in to alot of detail none of you know and I feel very close to you all and I don't want you to think I am hiding anything or being a troll.

I am not typing this for sympathy or anything else I just wanted you to know, I wanted to be able to tell you how I felt, and I know some of you will not worry about it or be confused on my decisions but I feel you have all been there for so much of this pregnancy for me that I want you to know.

The first thing that none of you know is that my DH and I have full custondy of his now 7 year old daughter. He has had custody of her since she was born and I have been in her life since she was 14 months old. I do love her very very much, we see her bio mom every 6 months or so and though I do treat Katelyn like she is my own (cheer coach, dance coach) everything a mommy should do, I do sometimes ok all the time, feel the difference, I think mainly because his family treats Katelyn so much better than they did Kamryn and they continue to do the same now, even though Gabriel isn't even here yet.

It also doesn't help that I feel guilty for being angry over Kamryn's death.

The next thing you should know is that I was at work when my daughter died. I got the call while on duty and rushed to the hospital, they waited to call her TOD till I was there and could sing to her. Most of my family does not agree with my decision to stay with my DH after her death.

The next reason is I guess because this could happen to anyone, anyone who walks away at the wrong time. I am not going to lie and say I never stepped out. The phone would ring, or I forgot a towel. I want you to know not to be naive or fooled. It took less than thirty seconds, there was a total of 1/8th a cup of water in her lungs, that is it. She got scared and went into shock.

But my DH was home with our 2 year old DD and my at the time 4 yr old SD. I don't ever mention Katelyn (the SD) because even thought I love her there are emotions there that are way to painful to talk about to anyone, and I am afraid of reactions. They were both in the tub. SD pushed DD down and DH sat her up and took SD out, walked her to her room and stood her in the corner for being mean to her sister. It kills him to talk about it. And in that instant she drowned. Just like that. And he hated himself, to this day.

I remember sitting in the waiting room after hearing them call her time of death and holding her before they took her away and I was just looking at him sitting in the floor screaming. I couldn't go to him, I couldn't comfort him, I couldn't move because my whole world, everything I was meant to be was all the sudden gone.

In that instant though I had to make a decision. How much did I love him? How much did I hate him? How much did he hate himself? I decided that I married him because he was someone I could never live with out. He was and is and will be an amazing daddy. He made a mistake, a terrible, life altering, tragic, hates himself forever mistake. But he is my husband and I have loved him with all of my heart for too long to stop.

We were actually TTC when she died and we stopped, mainly for fear of how our families would react and b/c we were afraid it would be like we were replacing her. And honestly I had to decide if I wanted more children with him. If I didn't was that the end of us? For us? Could I trust him? Could he trust himself?

I know most ladies on here or elsewhere will never understand my decision to stay with him. And I can't explain it fully except to say I did not marry him for our children, I married him for him. And I can't imagine having a child with anyone else. I don't know that it would feel the same. We waited for months before talking about TTCAL and finally decided that it was something we wanted to do and were ready for. Then we had fertility issues for nearly three years, and a MC.

And all I could think about was how bad I wanted his baby, I wanted to let him see how amazing of a daddy he is and that I know it was a tragic mistake and there is no turning back. But we both had to make the decision to go ahead and face getting hurt again.

I understand if no one else does, and I won't type on here anymore if anyone objects to it. I just really wanted you to know. All of it. And I didn't want to post something that you didn't understant but I felt like that other woman needed help. And I have had to make that decision. I hope you understand because I don't know how I could handle this preg with out all of you but ready or not here we go.

jen629 · October 2011

Wow how awful and tragic thank you so much for sharing with us I know this cannot be easy {{{HUGS}} we are here if you ever need or want to talk about it...you are very strong ...and I think you will also help other women who have stories they want to share but are afraid to

HadleyS · October 2011

(((HUGS))) This is so terrible. You apparently are a very strong woman, I don't even know how to relate to such a tragic event. My sincerest thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I never knew your story, but I am sure that you are welcome here. You can be a tremendous source of support to others, and I sure think that you could use some support as well. I hope you find it here and in real life. I am so, so sorry.

emeraudecephiro · October 2011

You are amazing, and have amazing strength.

lauralew · October 2011

I'm so happy you shared your story. I actually think staying with your husband was a good decision if you two were able to deal with/resolve the anger, guilt, and blame that goes with a tragedy like this. I think the reasons for your decision are the right ones. I think having empathy for what he is/was feeling, understanding it could happen to anyone, and having the compassion to work through the pain is telling of who you are. Your decision was not one made by a weak woman, but by a woman with strength beyond all measures. I can't say I would make the same decision, but I hope I would.

And as much as I hate the cliche "Everything happens for a reason," I can see how the break between Kamryn's death and your pregnancy with Gabriel brought further strength to your relationship. It gave both of you time to really focus on and work through your grief and anger.

Every person's life has many layers and intricacies. I can understand how your emotions are incredibly complex and multi-layered. I commend you for your compassion and willingness to open your heart to your husband, step daughter, and Gabriel.

Mom2Cinderella · October 2011

You are a very strong woman. I am glad you were able to share your story-I'm sure it is a tremendous step towards coping with your loss. I don't think you did anything wrong in deciding to stay with your husband. It sounds like he made an honest mistake that any one of us could have done. Why should you two lose each other as well? It sounds like the two of you needed each other to get through this.

Cercamom2011 · October 2011

I'm soo sorry about your loss(es). Your story breaks my heart, and I believe this is truly one of the "for worse" moments of your vows. Only you know what is/was right for your marriage. But IMHO he is probably a wonderful man that made a decision that ended tragically, or else you would not have chosen to marry him in the first place. I cannot imagine what your family is going and has gone through, and hope your family finds as much peace as possible through this tragedy.

mamacrunch · October 2011

I am sorry you had to go through this. I understand you decision for being with your husband as would I if you had left him.

I am glad you have accepted this for what it is was, an accident. A very horrible, tragic accident. You can find a million ways to place blame but that is not what your y girl would have wanted.

I am sorry for your loss and I am glad that you could be at a good standing with your H.

nickolee83 · October 2011

Accidents happen all the time. You husband is paying the ultimate price, he has to live with a mistake of losing his child. Its not like it was an intentional situation. If I were in his shoes I couldnt tell you what i would do. But if I was in your situation I would have stayed with him also. You are a strong and amazing women dont let anyone tell you different. My thought and prayers are with you and your family no one should ever have to go through what you guys are going through.

germswif E · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your story. You're an amazing strong woman

karma79 · October 2011

I admire your strength. You are right, your decision is your decision. You don't need to justify it. I am so sorry for you loss and I see a brighter future ahead for you.

RunSchwartzRun · October 2011

Sorry doesn't begin to cover it, but I am so so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I second the idea that it takes a much stronger woman to stop and think about the situation, your marriage, and the loss before running away. My heart breaks for all of you, but your poor poor DH. What an awful burden to carry. He is lucky that you are there to share the load. I think you are incredibly courageous and I wish you all the best. ((hugs))

holsomback6510 · October 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think you made a mistake in staying with your husband. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

mrsgaines100 · October 2011

I am so so very sorry you had to not only lose your beautiful daughter, but that there are additional layers of very tangled emotion with loved ones to sort out as well. I hope writing out your story helps a lot, and I pray you, your DH & your family find peace and love & joy without so much grief & remorse in the future. And for what it is worth, I cant imagine being in your situation, but I understand completely why you want to make it work with your husband.

BritanyV · October 2011

lauralew:
I'm so happy you shared your story. I actually think staying with your husband was a good decision if you two were able to deal with/resolve the anger, guilt, and blame that goes with a tragedy like this. I think the reasons for your decision are the right ones. I think having empathy for what he is/was feeling, understanding it could happen to anyone, and having the compassion to work through the pain is telling of who you are. Your decision was not one made by a weak woman, but by a woman with strength beyond all measures. I can't say I would make the same decision, but I hope I would.
And as much as I hate the cliche "Everything happens for a reason," I can see how the break between Kamryn's death and your pregnancy with Gabriel brought further strength to your relationship. It gave both of you time to really focus on and work through your grief and anger.
Every person's life has many layers and intricacies. I can understand how your emotions are incredibly complex and multi-layered. I commend you for your compassion and willingness to open your heart to your husband, step daughter, and Gabriel.

I think her reply says it best. So beautifully put. The bolded is why a lot of couples in situations like these do not last. They can't get past the anger, guilt and blame.

I think you are very strong because I honestly do not know if I could get over those things. It would take lots of prayers and counseling to get me through that. I think if something happened to ds on my watch, my dh would definitely leave me, even if it were an honest accident.

The only time I would question one spouse staying with another is if the other spouse intentionally, on purpose, did something to harm their child.

hopefulmom81 · October 2011

By being brave enough to open your heart and tell such a tragic story, you have undoubtedly saved lives of future LOs today. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life with us.

I don't understand how ANYONE would judge you for staying with your husband? A horrific accident could happen to anyone, I am sure he has punished himself enough.

((HUGE HUGS))

Junebug060609 · October 2011

(((HUGS))) It must've been so hard for you to share your story.

It sounds like you made the decision that was right for you, definitely no judgement from me for that.

LDW80 · October 2011

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I admit that I have left the bathroom when my then two year old and 5 year old were in there to grab something. I am sure it is so very difficult for your husband and he has to tell himself over and over it was an accident. I can't imagine what you and your DH have gone through but I just want to say you sound like a very strong woman and I commend you for that. I am so very sorry for all that you have been through. ((HUGS))

emd2887 · October 2011

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing, strong woman- thank you for sharing your story. I don't know if I would have the strength to make the decisions you did. As you said, it was a tragic mistake, and one that your husband has to carry with him for the rest of his life. Please don't feel like you have to justify your decisions to any of us.

DragonflyBelle · October 2011

I am so sorry for your loss and the decision you had to make, though I think it would be easier (even if it isn't right) to forgive my H than the SD who started the chain of events and I think that's what you wanted to say but did not. My head says she's a kid and these things happen and your H was an adult, but my heart (as someone with no step-children) says....she did this and it's a scary road down that path. Much easier to sidle the blame on an 'outsider'.

Anyway...I really probably shouldn't have typed any of that, but I don't understand why anyone would have expected you to leave your H. What if the shoe were on the other foot?. You two let this horrible thing bring you together instead of tearing you apart.

easjer05 · October 2011

nickolee83:
Accidents happen all the time. You husband is paying the ultimate price, he has to live with a mistake of losing his child. Its not like it was an intentional situation. If I were in his shoes I couldnt tell you what i would do. But if I was in your situation I would have stayed with him also. You are a strong and amazing women dont let anyone tell you different. My thought and prayers are with you and your family no one should ever have to go through what you guys are going through.

I can't say it any better than this.

I would stay too. He wasn't being overtly neglectful (by which I mean he was disciplining his daughter, not sleeping or watching tv), and it was an accident.

Much love to you mama.

jaxie320 · October 2011

Thank you for sharing your story. You are such a strong woman. (((hugs)))

luvboston · October 2011

You are a super woman if you can forgive your husband, SD and move on with your life. You should only be praised for being able to move forward. Whenever you need to talk, vent or scream please feel free to do it here.

Heather91705 · October 2011

I don't post a lot, but I am in tears reading this and just had to say, GOOD for you. I would stay with my husband also, he certainly didn't do it on purpose. I don't understand people who judge your decision. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I had a stillbirth at 38 weeks and can't begin to cope, but what you are going through is so much worse/different and you are handling things way better than I ever could. You should be glad you are so strong.

cflocco · October 2011

Wow what a tragic story. My heart goes out to you and your family. I can't even imagine going through something that difficult. {{Hugs}}

JoAnna914 · October 2011

All I can say is that I have no idea how anyone who has never been in your shoes can judge you for the painful decisions you've had to make. The description of your husband, his self loathing, your journey together through this . . . all I can say is that my heart literally aches for you both (I know you weren't looking for sympathy, but girl, you're getting it anyway). I can't imagine the mixed emotions you have in dealing with a blended family through all of this, and how challenging this pregnancy has to be for you.

Your loss is a LOSS. It is as valid as anyone else's here. If you can't post here, who can? I am a little confused - did someone here object to you posting about your experiences?

lisaNDmike08 · October 2011

Big, big hugs. I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. I can't even imagine what the past few years have been like for you.

prestonsmomma · October 2011

My heart breaks for you.What a tragic thing to go through. I guess Im confused on why you dont think you should post here? And you dont have to give anyone any reason why you stayed with your DH. People make mistakes. Of course you stayed with him, and I would have too. Im so so sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace.

tiffanyings · October 2011

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You and your DH are amazing!

thewayiam · October 2011

Wow, I am so sorry for the difficult times you've been through. You're very strong. Thank you for sharing your story.

Fififa21 · October 2011

I can?t even begin to imagine how you must feel. I?m so sorry for the loss of your daughter and for everything you?ve had to go through. We are here anytime you need to vent or talk. Sending you huge hugs.

julesjb · October 2011

Your an incredible person and woman. I actually think that anyone who would judge you for standing by your husband probably has a hard time understanding unconditional love. I am sure it was a huge hurdle to get over but people make mistakes, ren such monumental ones. I am incredibly sorry for all you and your DH have been through. I hope Gabriel always knows how loving and brave his parents are and Kamryn will always watch over you all. ((hugs))

october_artist · October 2011

You, my friend, are an unbelievable woman- so strong. No one knows what is or isn't going on in someones life at any given moment. It's what we chose to share that gets out. Thank you for letting us in, today we are here together. All of us, regardless of history. ((hugs))

starrynight1658 · October 2011

It's very brave of you to share your story, and I'm in awe of your strength. Seemingly innocent choices change lives drastically every day, and what happened to Kamryn is a tragic example of that.

I would never object to you posting here. Being PgAL is so scary for all of us, and we all need to share all the support and comfort we can.

((hugs))

xnbride · October 2011

I am so very sorry for your tragic loss.I admire your strength.

This past year my friend lost her son (same age as DS2) when he drown in their family pool on her watch. It has made me think about what I would do in that situation and how our marriage would survive if the tables were turned. I can only hope and pray that I would have a forgiving heart because we all know how quickly these things happen. My kids have close so many times and it just takes an instant and it can happen to anyone no matter how vigilant we are, sometimes it is not enough.

It is what it is: a tragic accident and it is no one's fault. Big hugs. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it was not easy.

pottermommy · October 2011

Thank you so much for you amazing support. In answer to some confusion, no, no one here ever made me feel like I shouldn't post, but the mojority of my family will not even speak to me since this has happened.

They think I should have left, they hate him. I do not, they don't even try to understand my choices, and I get it. It is a hard decision to understand.

I am afraid that my choices would make women here angry that I didn't love my daughter enough to leave or to stand up but it simply isn't true. I adored her, I don't know anyone who loved or doted on their child like I did.

I grew up with a bed ridden mama only her and I so when I saw a child of my own I fell instantly totally in love and most of my own family do not understand how I still love him. I was and am still afraid that it will happen here too. I spend and have spent alot of time trying to justify a decision that I just know is right.

I love every woman here and I hope this helped where it could and I truly truly appreciate the support from all of you, and the honesty. I was crying anyways so not one post made me cry but they all made me cry more and they touched my heart to know that you feel I belong.

You are all amazing women and I would like to add that this loss is in no way more than anyone elses, she was and is my child just as all of you have felt the loss of yours and that loss is transendent in that it doesn't change no matter when or how you lose them.

I feel as sad for the baby I never held as I do the baby I held for the last time. You do too, it is nothing more unbearable than anyone else has gone through and as you all know. Strength isn't measurable it is something that is thrust upon you. You don't get to choose to be weak because you don't get to choose to not go through the situation.

We are all strong, that is what makes us friends, and family.

amu1234 · October 2011

lauralew:
I'm so happy you shared your story. I actually think staying with your husband was a good decision if you two were able to deal with/resolve the anger, guilt, and blame that goes with a tragedy like this. I think the reasons for your decision are the right ones. I think having empathy for what he is/was feeling, understanding it could happen to anyone, and having the compassion to work through the pain is telling of who you are. Your decision was not one made by a weak woman, but by a woman with strength beyond all measures. I can't say I would make the same decision, but I hope I would.
And as much as I hate the cliche "Everything happens for a reason," I can see how the break between Kamryn's death and your pregnancy with Gabriel brought further strength to your relationship. It gave both of you time to really focus on and work through your grief and anger.
Every person's life has many layers and intricacies. I can understand how your emotions are incredibly complex and multi-layered. I commend you for your compassion and willingness to open your heart to your husband, step daughter, and Gabriel.

I 100% agree with everything laurlew so eloquently wrote. You are truly a remarkable woman and appreciate your willingness to share your story!

pennynjon · October 2011

I am so so sorry that you and your husband had to go through that. I would never judge you for staying with him. Terrible accidents happen and it sounds like that is what happened with your daughter. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you both. ((huge hugs))

jen629 · October 2011

pottermommy:
Thank you so much for you amazing support. In answer to some confusion, no, no one here ever made me feel like I shouldn't post, but the mojority of my family will not even speak to me since this has happened.

They think I should have left, they hate him. I do not, they don't even try to understand my choices, and I get it. It is a hard decision to understand.

I am afraid that my choices would make women here angry that I didn't love my daughter enough to leave or to stand up but it simply isn't true. I adored her, I don't know anyone who loved or doted on their child like I did.

I grew up with a bed ridden mama only her and I so when I saw a child of my own I fell instantly totally in love and most of my own family do not understand how I still love him. I was and am still afraid that it will happen here too. I spend and have spent alot of time trying to justify a decision that I just know is right.

I love every woman here and I hope this helped where it could and I truly truly appreciate the support from all of you, and the honesty. I was crying anyways so not one post made me cry but they all made me cry more and they touched my heart to know that you feel I belong.

You are all amazing women and I would like to add that this loss is in no way more than anyone elses, she was and is my child just as all of you have felt the loss of yours and that loss is transendent in that it doesn't change no matter when or how you lose them.

I feel as sad for the baby I never held as I do the baby I held for the last time. You do too, it is nothing more unbearable than anyone else has gone through and as you all know. Strength isn't measurable it is something that is thrust upon you. You don't get to choose to be weak because you don't get to choose to not go through the situation.

We are all strong, that is what makes us friends, and family.

I may speak for myself in saying this (although I think many will agree) your choices do not make me angry ..what makes me angry is your family...how dare they...you went through and awful terrible tragedy and THEY wont speak to you because you didnt leave your husband over it? wow I am speechless..please know I am ALWAYS here to listen ..no one has a right to judge you they have never stood in your shoes...{{{HUGS}}}} I dont even know what else to say this makes me so so sad how they are treating you...and we ARE your family here ..remember that

Eris-Alexis · October 2011

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. The whole situation is absolutely tragic and I can't imagine trying to cope with all of the conflicting feelings. You are incredibly brave and strong, and I truly admire that about you.

We are here for you whenever you need us. ((Big HUGS))

hopeandlove0417 · October 2011

My heart breaks for your tragic loss.Words are just not enough. I never knew your story before, and now that I do I can't help but have even more respect and admiration for you. You, and your DH are two very very strong people and I truly admire the deep love that you two share. I cant even begin to imagine the guilt that your DH has or the tremendous pain the both of you have gone through. No one on this board or even in RL has any right to pass any kind of judgement on you for staying with your DH. If YOU decided to work through the pain, blame, guilt, anger and everything else who is anybody to judge. You are an incredibly strong women and I hope you never forget that.

*major hugs*

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Ok, so my FULL story. Detailed Graphic Sad death LONG!

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