How can I say STFU w/out sounding insensitive?

ggbean · October 2011

My DD is 4 months and my DS just turned 3. I work from home 20-25 hours a week and it has been a huge adjustment trying to find the time to get everything done. I know it's been 4 months, but I feel like I'm still in an 'adjustment period' and trying to balance everything...it's not going great, but I'm working on it.

So, my friend texted me yesterday to say that she's "not mad - just frustrated" that I have not been making time for her lately, and she wants to talk about it. I don't want to sound like a B, but I am annoyed that we even need to have this conversation. She doesn't have kids, so I don't expect her to understand where I'm coming from, but I'd hope she'd at least realize that she doesn't understand. I can see how she'd be upset - I miss hanging out with her too, but seriously? I am fighing off visions of me telling her to STFU and get over it. So...what would you say?

Nurse Lisa · October 2011

Hmmmm, I would tell her to STFU!!!! Lol, just kidding, but that's what I'd be thinking. I would just tell her what you just told us.....you're still trying to figure out how to balance you're family with working and as soon as you get a chance you'd love to hang out??? I have a few friends that don't have kids and I get BS from them about not answering my phone much these days......I just want to scream!!!! They'll get it one day.....

nugget0411 · October 2011

can you try to make a night every couple weeks where you go for dinner or just a drink? i know it's hard but it's so important to keep up friendships...she'll never fully understand until she has kids, i have a now exfriend like that!

but you should tell her that if she loves you and is your friend that she needs to cut you some slack but at the same time you should at least try to make an effort to set aside a night here or there for her...or else try emailing each other cause that way you can send a quick note of an update when you're working

sorry if that's not really what you wanted to hear and i'm honestly not trying to say just suck it up because i've found it really hard as well with just one!!! but most of my friends have kids so that helps

sorry she's making you feel that way...don't let her make you feel guilty though!

katie4253 · October 2011

Sorry, but I'd still tell her to STFU.

Seriously, she isn't even trying to be understanding. You had a baby 4 months ago. She needs to pull her head out of her ass and realize that times, they are a changin'...

laurakaz13 · October 2011

You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."

ggbean · October 2011

laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."

She is super busy with work and other commitments, so I have felt bad asking her to come out to visit me, when I haven't been able to make the trip out to see her. Plus, I feel like saying "you'll understand when you have kids" has the same effect as saying STFU - lol. I know how that offends people that don't have children, but it's sooo true - you just can't say it!

As a side note: her tone with the whole thing is pissing me off. It's not like - I'm hurt because we don't hang out anymore. It's like - you're being a bad friend because...

So maybe STFU is appropriate! We'll see how things go tomorrow.

laurakaz13 · October 2011

ggbean:

laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."

She is super busy with work and other commitments, so I have felt bad asking her to come out to visit me, when I haven't been able to make the trip out to see her. Plus, I feel like saying "you'll understand when you have kids" has the same effect as saying STFU - lol. I know how that offends people that don't have children, but it's sooo true - you just can't say it!

As a side note: her tone with the whole thing is pissing me off. It's not like - I'm hurt because we don't hang out anymore. It's like - you're being a bad friend because...

So maybe STFU is appropriate! We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Oh, I know! I used to hate it when people would say things like this to me before I had my DD.

I would hate this situation too and it would really make me mad. I did have a friend get angry with me that I couldn't fly cross country for her bachelorette party though. DD was 4 months old and I used all my leave for maternity leave. I let her have it when we talked! In a nice way though. :-)

hepcats · October 2011

I agree with Katie and NurseLisa. She needs to slow her roll and realize she's not #1, or even #2, here. Your family comes first. If it's that important to her, she can come over. Otherwise, tell her to STFU.

jessie spanos scared · October 2011

ggbean:

laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."

She is super busy with work and other commitments, so I have felt bad asking her to come out to visit me, when I haven't been able to make the trip out to see her. Plus, I feel like saying "you'll understand when you have kids" has the same effect as saying STFU - lol. I know how that offends people that don't have children, but it's sooo true - you just can't say it!

As a side note: her tone with the whole thing is pissing me off. It's not like - I'm hurt because we don't hang out anymore. It's like - you're being a bad friend because...

So maybe STFU is appropriate! We'll see how things go tomorrow.

This is what is wrong with texting/emailing ect. you cannot accurately determine "tone". Honestly I think you may be reading into that part.

I had a girlfriend text me with "Why haven't I seen you!!!!". It set me off too but it wasn't her text. I'm in a similar situation with the working from home full time and taking care of my son full time. I am swamped and haven't really seen anyone in a while. When I do leave the house I always have DS with me and it's never for very long. I always feel bad because I miss her too and would love nothing more than lunch or a drink with her. I texted her back and said "I'm sure I'm reading into this but..." and explained how I felt. She was shocked because she wasn't trying to say anything negative. She just missed me and was trying to let me know.

I think your friend is saying the same thing - she misses you. I don't think her text was to make you feel bad. I'm sure she is frustrated. While your life has been transformed and you now have all this new stuff to juggle she's still going about life the same but with out you as much in it. If she didn't understand she would actually be mad. No, I don't think she fully understands everything on your plate but I don't think STFU is warranted.

IrishEyes0530 · October 2011

hepcats:
I agree with Katie and NurseLisa. She needs to slow her roll and realize she's not #1, or even #2, here. Your family comes first. If it's that important to her, she can come over. Otherwise, tell her to STFU.

This exactly.

gymnst1013 · October 2011

ggbean:
laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."
She is super busy with work and other commitments, so I have felt bad asking her to come out to visit me, when I haven't been able to make the trip out to see her. Plus, I feel like saying "you'll understand when you have kids" has the same effect as saying STFU - lol. I know how that offends people that don't have children, but it's sooo true - you just can't say it!
As a side note: her tone with the whole thing is pissing me off. It's not like - I'm hurt because we don't hang out anymore. It's like - you're being a bad friend because...
So maybe STFU is appropriate! We'll see how things go tomorrow.

So she is mad because you haven't made time for her bit she can't make time for you?

Hope2Have · October 2011

I would just lay it on the line "look, I'm drowning here... trying to make sure everyone is fed, bathed, and work done... you're going to HAVE to be patient... I promise I'll make it up to you, we have the rest of our lives to catch up!"

My mom actually told me the same thing when Hadley was just 3 weeks old (mind you, my dh joined the police academy the day after she was born so it was very very stressful) she said "I feel like all you have time for is Tony & Hadley.... " I told her no ship mom... get a life. )

AmandaP678 · October 2011

gymnst1013:
ggbean:
laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."
She is super busy with work and other commitments, so I have felt bad asking her to come out to visit me, when I haven't been able to make the trip out to see her. Plus, I feel like saying "you'll understand when you have kids" has the same effect as saying STFU - lol. I know how that offends people that don't have children, but it's sooo true - you just can't say it!
As a side note: her tone with the whole thing is pissing me off. It's not like - I'm hurt because we don't hang out anymore. It's like - you're being a bad friend because...
So maybe STFU is appropriate! We'll see how things go tomorrow.
So she is mad because you haven't made time for her bit she can't make time for you?

My thoughts exactly.

I like whoever said invite her over for dinner or something one night. Might be the easiest and best solution. And she needs to accept that you can not just drop everything and go out anymore.

kristennd · October 2011

gymnst1013:
So she is mad because you haven't made time for her but she can't make time for you?

Yeah, that's where I lose all interest in being diplomatic.

LadyXaverian · October 2011

laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out.

When my best friend had her daughter 4 years ago, this is what we did. I'd go to her house to hang out whenever she would invite me. Depending on what the baby was doing, sometimes we'd just sit in silence if she needed that or I'd do things for her around the house (put up dishes etc..), or if the baby was napping and she was up for it, we'd chat/have lunch etc..

I would always invite her to do things outside of the house with the understanding that she probably wouldn't be able to do most of it, but I didn't want to leave her out either. I also knew that 9 times out of 10, if she *could* do something outside of the house, the baby would be with her, and the time would be cut short for her to get home for baby's next nap.

I guess I'm telling you all this to say that even a person without kids (as I was when my best friend had her daughter), she should have a clue that you're schedule is way different. And on your end, you can make an effort, too, even if it means inviting her to your house. (Maybe that will help her see what your day is like now.)

Good luck!

ETA: I just saw your response about how busy SHE is lmao!! She's a bit of a hypocrite, no? Again, good luck.

ggbean · October 2011

Just to clarify: there was also a voicemail. So, the tone I was referring to was inferred from that, but I know what you mean.

LienLa · October 2011

I think you should invite her over or if you can't manage that call her so you can hear her tone. Perhaps she is just trying to say I miss you, when you're available don't forget about me. And I agree with pp that said if she is such a good friend, she doesn't need kids to understand life isn't the same. My one friend has been a godsend, whenever she comes over she will play with DS so I can get things done, or nap, or just have 15 minutes to myself. And if I need to nurse or whatnot she will pick up the housework where I've left off. She doesn't need to do any of this but I really REALLY appreciate that she does. But she's understood me having to cancel plans at the last minute, change them or simply forget. She's honestly the best friend I have and she understands all this without having kids. So maybe it's just that talk you need to have, or invite her over not to do anything, but just for an hour to watch you so she does understand it's not so easy anymore.

sugarbear0524 · October 2011

laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."

I wouldn't tell her, "You'll understand once you have kids." I know it's true. I'm living it too. But, not that long ago, I was a single woman in my 30s and that kind of comment would have really hurt. There's virtually no way to not sound condescending. Talk to her about balance, make a little time for her, have her come to your house when the baby is asleep, but don't patronize her.

Mrs.Purdue · October 2011

ggbean:
laurakaz13:
You could always invite her over some night to hang out. I hate to say things like this, but it is a situation where I'd want to say, "You'll understand once you have kids."
She is super busy with work and other commitments, so I have felt bad asking her to come out to visit me, when I haven't been able to make the trip out to see her. Plus, I feel like saying "you'll understand when you have kids" has the same effect as saying STFU - lol. I know how that offends people that don't have children, but it's sooo true - you just can't say it!
As a side note: her tone with the whole thing is pissing me off. It's not like - I'm hurt because we don't hang out anymore. It's like - you're being a bad friend because...
So maybe STFU is appropriate! We'll see how things go tomorrow.

it sounds like you haven't actually been inviting her over then. I'd definitely start there. Explain that you're really overwhelmed trying to figure out a balance, but that you also miss her. You aren't able to plan something out right now (although I would definitely encourage you to do that - it may help recharge you to get out of the house and then you'll be more productive when you get back), but you could hang out at your house and ask her when a good time is. Then she knows that you love her & want to hang out, and the ball is in her court to make that happen within your boundaries. or, give her some specific times/dates that work for you (how about next tuesday or thursday evening - around 7? for example) so that she can pick when she can fit you in too.

Snapdragon750 · October 2011

I dislike this dynamic in a friendship no matter what the reason for spending less time together is, but CERTAINLY when someone has a baby!

I think it's immature for a person to complain that their friend isn't making enough time for her because it serves no constructive purpose except to make the other friend feel guilty, and then she wants to spend time with her friend even less because she becomes an obligation. That's not what friends are for! If she misses you because you spend less time together, a good friend should try to understand why and try to find ways to see you that aren't a burden to you. She should say something like "I know you're so busy now, but I miss you! Maybe I come bring you coffee sometime when the baby is napping and we can chat?"

I mean come on! You have another child! You're just going to have less time for her now (forever basically), and she has to understand that.

Obviously I don't know the details of the dynamics of your friendship, but in general friends should be there to be supportive, not demanding. A good friend will still be your friend even if you haven't spoken in forever, and she will be happy to hear from you when you do call. And if she misses you, SHE will put in the effort to see you more rather than expecting it out of you.

clo1982 · October 2011

I think cut her a bit of slack at first. She doesn't understand what your life is like, so to expect her to be able to relate isn't really fair. I would say to maybe tell her that you miss her too, and would love to hang out but things are so hectic right now (just like you told us). Then maybe invite her over to your place. Say it's tough to get out now with balancing the kids and work but once they are in bed you would love to have some girl time with her! If she still expects you to go out and won't come over, then I would move on to STFU because you at least tried to involve her in your life. She can't understand exactly how things have changed because she hasn't gone through it but she can generally understand that things are different and maybe, for now, she will have to make more of an effort than you. Which means she does the travelling to hang out. As far as the wording, maybe she just wasn't sure how to say that she was feeling hurt and it came out wrong.

You are the one who has to decide if the friendship is worth the extra effort!

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