Is this inappropriate? (kind of long)

Jlr07 · October 2011

Hi ya'll,

I'm just looking for some opinions from you all while I try to decide how to handle this situation...

A little over a week ago, my BIL and SIL told us they were pregnant. They are a little older than we are, and have only been 'not preventing' for a couple of months, and we're SUPER close to them. SIL knows most of the the TTC journey we've been on for a little over a year now, and has been thoughtfully curious but not annoying or intrusive in any way throughout the process.

I'm SO HAPPY for them, really. But still having a hard time adjusting- this will be the first baby for DH's family, and no one in my family has babies either. BIL called DH and talked to him at work, and SIL texted me to tell us when they found out (so, luckily they missed my immediate burst-into-tears moment when I found out), So mostly all that's been said is 'Congrats! So exciting, when are you due, etc'. They live on the east coast, we live in the midwest, so we only see them about twice a year, and we're coming up on Thanksgiving with them soon.

My question is: Is it inappropriate to send SIL an e-mail expressing again how happy I am for them, and how excited I am to be a part of their journey, but that this is hitting me hard, so if I'm stand-offish or rude, it's not intentional and I hope she doesn't take it the wrong way?

I ask because I just KNOW that Thanksgiving will be All Baby, All the Time (with MIL/FIL particularly), and that I'm really not going to feel like shopping around a gazillion baby aisles and taking non-stop about baby stuff...but I also don't want to make her worried about every little thing that happens or feel like she can't be excited around me.

juls052309 · October 2011

I have been there and Im sorry. I would def send an email b/c that way your feelings are out there and its better for her to know then be thinking whats going on with you in the back of her head.

byrne15 · October 2011

I've been waiting for this moment for my BIL and SIL. They live in AZ, we live in NY and they got married last month. They made it no secret that they are TTC right away.

All the while the were engaged, I prayed that I would be pg soon so I wouldn't have to deal with finding out they are expecting and me still not be pg.

Anyway, if I were you... I would not send an email. I mean, if she truely understands you and your TTC troubles, she would not make you go baby shopping and do all that stuff. I don't think an email would help at this point if she doesn't already understand. In fact, the email might makes things even weirder.

I would probably just prepare myself really well for Thanksgiving and just know that you will soon be back to your own life.

psubride1012 · October 2011

I think you should wait until closer to the holidays to see how you feel...maybe it won't be so raw and you will feel like you can handle it at that point. I personally wouldn't say anything at all though...I would be worried that my saying something like that would prevent her from sharing things with me. And I would feel worse if she felt like she had to curb her enthusiasm around me just because of what I am going through. I think you can politely decline baby shopping trips around the holidays and she would understand...especially if she knows what you have been going through. I personally would just address it if/when it happens rather than get her worked up over something that might not even end up being an issue. I know it is hard to deal with IF emotions and you never know when they will hit, but you can't let it prevent you from enjoying the experience of your first niece or nephew!

jessican08 · October 2011

I'd probably take the approach of "cross that bridge when you get to it" since you said she's been very understanding so far.

It sucks that we're faced with situations like this because you want to put your feelings out there sometimes to avoid making a scene and to avoid getting hurt but then that can backfire too because then people tend to walk on egg shells around you and exclude you from conversations or activities you'd probably be OK with as long as you were having a good or "OK" IF day, KWIM?

Jlr07 · October 2011

jessican08:

I'd probably take the approach of "cross that bridge when you get to it" since you said she's been very understanding so far.

It sucks that we're faced with situations like this because you want to put your feelings out there sometimes to avoid making a scene and to avoid getting hurt but then that can backfire too because then people tend to walk on egg shells around you and exclude you from conversations or activities you'd probably be OK with as long as you were having a good or "OK" IF day, KWIM?

I totally know what you mean. The unfortunate part is that if it were just her and I, it would be fine- shopping, talking, hanging out...but with MIL there, it will be so much harder. MIL has made gaining her love, affection and approval a contest since the boys (DH and his two bros) were little. This particular BIL/SIL combo are her clear favorites, and everything DH (or I, now) do is just NOT QUITE good enough compared to his couple.

Thanks for the advice- it probably is better to have that convo when/if the time comes. I just want to make sure I'm in a clear space and can say something without bursting into tears every two seconds...

genmalone · October 2011

psubride1012:
I think you should wait until closer to the holidays to see how you feel...maybe it won't be so raw and you will feel like you can handle it at that point. I personally wouldn't say anything at all though...I would be worried that my saying something like that would prevent her from sharing things with me. And I would feel worse if she felt like she had to curb her enthusiasm around me just because of what I am going through. I think you can politely decline baby shopping trips around the holidays and she would understand...especially if she knows what you have been going through. I personally would just address it if/when it happens rather than get her worked up over something that might not even end up being an issue. I know it is hard to deal with IF emotions and you never know when they will hit, but you can't let it prevent you from enjoying the experience of your first niece or nephew!

I agree with this! I know it's really hard but you have to remember this is her first baby too. I just found out last week that my BFF is KU with #2. She called to tell me 2 days after I told her my last cycle was a BFN which I think is rude. I didn't answer the phone because I just knew she was KU and I couldn't deal with it. I psyched myself up over the weekend and called to tell her how happy I am. I try to remind myself that she has just as much right to be KU as I do and that she shouldn't have to hide her pregnancy from me or not be happy about it because my ovaries are slackers. Trust me...I cried after I got off the phone with her but I know it was the right thing to do. I'll also be home for Thanksgiving, which is also my birthday, and I know if I'm not KU by then it will be a miserable weekend. That being said, I would want my friends/family to be happy for me if I was KU so I'm trying to do the same thing for everyone else.

Good luck and hang in there!

emmypants · October 2011

I'm no help. My SIL announced on FB at 5 weeks and I spent the next two days crying/pouting. I just wanted to say good luck with everything.

dragontears507 · October 2011

I would definitely send an email. The day that I found out about my ectopic pregnancy, a friend told me that she was expecting. Turned out to be twins none the less... Grrr... Anyway, I sent her an email explaining that if I came off rude I didn't mean to and let her know that I was happy for her but where I was coming from. I think it made things much less awkward between us.

NieceyK · October 2011

I was in this situation last December. My older sister got KU and told me over the phone. A couple days later I told her that I was so so happy for her - but was struggling with my own feelings of sadness at not being KU myself.

She did NOT take it well at all. While we're fine now - things were rough for a couple months. I wish I had waited to say something until I had more time to digest and she was over the initial excitement (aka her accusing me of making her BFP all about me).

I would definitely wait a little bit.

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