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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
SAHM vent
I am getting so effing sick of people telling me i'm so "lucky" that I get to stay home and raise my son. Did I win the SAHM lottery? No! Am I "lucky" that I decided at age 5 to be a SAHM and have planned my life to get me to this point?
I started dating my hubby when I was 20. We could have gotten married and had kids at 21, but we wanted to save up for our wedding, our house, and our life together. We bought a house when I was 23 and got married when I was 25. Did we have kids right away? Nope. We would have loved to, but we waited another 4 years so we could buy our "forever" house and save, save, save. I worked my ass off. We both did. We finally decided to have a baby last year and it is still a financial sacrifice every day for me to be at home. We aren't rich. My hubby has an awesome job, but kids are expensive... and life is expensive!
I don't get a weekly mani/pedi, I don't carry a designer purse. I don't go to the mall when i'm bored. We drive a ford and a honda. Eating out is a luxury and a special treat. Our house is beautiful (to me) but most of my friends houses are nicer/bigger. We won't be going to Disney every year, or taking romantic getaways for our anniversaries. We won't be able to pay for our childrens' college education (we're saving already, but want a few kids and it will be a million dollars per semester by then!)
I am just so tired of these double income families that live in a 6 bedroom new build, drive a lexus, travel multiple times per year, eat out 4x per week, etc etc. telling me how LUCKY I am. Or saying they wish they didn't "have to" work and send their kids to daycare. Decisions, decisions people!!!
I am lucky. I am truly blessed. I recognize that every single day. But I made my decisions and planned for the life I have. I didn't win it- no one handed it to me.
And don't even get me started on the people that just say "I wish I didn't have to work, it must be so nice to sit home all day" as if SAHMs watch Jerry Springer and eat lucky charms all day 
By the way, this is by no means a post about SAHM vs working moms. Some parents choose to work to provide more for their kids and others don't have the choice. I know PLENTY of people (and I was one for a long time) that do HAVE TO work. Some people need more than a double income- they work 3 jobs to support a family and still live paycheck to paycheck. I get that. I am not venting to those people. Just some of my acquaintences/ former coworkers, etc. have been getting to me lately...
ETA: eek, sorry that got so long! If you made it to the end u deserve a 
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Re: SAHM vent
This in one of the things that is so overthought in TBland that it gets blown way out of proportion.
I seriously doubt anyone (or very few people, some people are rude and nosy) is making a commentary on your life planning and decision making. Most parents like spending time with their kids. Therefore, you're lucky to SAH because you get to spend more time with your kids. It's really that simple.
Now the comment about it being nice to sit at home all day, well that's a totally different vent.
That's the thing- it's not a general comment. It's a very specific "I wish I could afford it like you guys" from people that make twice+ what we make. It's especially difficult becuase H and I worked at the same company (where he still works) so we have a lot of the same friends and we know their general incomes. It's very much a "keeping up with the Jones'" lifestyle and that is sooo not us. It's just getting so frustrating.
And then there's the other group (usually single ppl w/o kids) that think I just quit my job to watch TV! LOL
I understand your need to vent. We all make our choices and we all have to work for what we want. Very few of us just get things handed to us. In my case, I got my degree in the same month that I got pregnant with my daughter. I wanted to keep the job I had at that time (a job where I basically explained people's annuities to them and their agents/lawyers/daughters or sons/etc), I kept it because I needed the benefits and didn't know if I got another job if I would have to wait and be with no benefits or paid maternity leave.
I always thought I'd go after that good paying job soon after I had her. But I could not do that, I just couldn't focus on that good paying job because I had a bundle of joy who took all my attention.
During my last couple of weeks of maternity leave, I realized this. I frantically brainstormed. My hubby said "Well you can get a part time job" but we both knew I had to at least bring in X amount a month. Well, I searched and searched and I found a Mother's Day Out program who took me as an infant room teacher and took my daughter in for free. Now we both go work together part time and we're still together 24/7.
And I still bring in X amount a month like I needed to. It actually evens out to be exactly what I made at my last job if you subtract daycare and the gas to get daycare that we would have been paying.
So this is very nice... but I made my choices. I could have had a better paying job, one with a 401k, one with benefits, one that would help me advance my career. My degree is in Business... lol. The daycare job will do nothing to advance it. But again... choices, sacrifies.
And you are right... being a SAHM is work. You have a lot to do and keep track of.
I definitely didn't mean that to sound rude- I'm sure you DID work very hard and plan very carefully because you've always wanted to be a SAHM. And good for you for not getting sucked into a lifestyle that's not "you." Coming from friends I'm sure that is very annoying.
What I meant was, in general, I think TB gets worked up over innocent statements re: SAHMs like "Oh you're so lucky!" or "Must be nice!"
As far as the single/no kids group thinking you watch TV all day, well... I hate to say "Just you wait!" but sometimes it sure fits
eta: After staying home with LO for 8 months, we've decided that we'll start saving aggressively now so that I can stay home for at least as long with any future LOs, so I'm sure I'll get the same "Oh you're so lucky that you get to take such a long maternity leave!" And I will probably get annoyed, and I'll think back to this post
not at all- i wasn't getting defensive, just wanted to clarify incase I made it seem like just the general "you're so lucky" comments. Because those are right! I am
this is perfect advice! i have been a SAHM for the last 15 years. in that time i have had part time jobs or in home daycare (which i do now) and i too have gotten every single comment you can imagine. you just continue doing what your doing and don't regret a single moment! those with the negative comments are jealous and they envy you! remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission
I keep hearing this from a few of our acquaintances that are double income families. "I wish WE could afford for me to stay home, but we can't.." It's not a case of us being able to afford to have me stay home. Believe me, we have had to completely overhaul our budget. But not only that, we saved up for this to happen. We were together for almost ten years before DS was born and we both worked full time. I always wanted to be home with my baby for at least a year but we both knew that we'd have to give up a lot of luxuries in order for me to do that. So yeah, we don't eat in restaurants anymore (we've been out to eat three times since he was born), we changed our expensive phone plans to no-contract plans, we share wi-fi with our neighbour, we bought a cable converter box (instead of satellite) and I am not updating my car (a 2009 malibu) once it is paid off at the end of this year.
For us personally, it's been a huge change of lifestyle but it's worth it.
I get what you're saying, but here's the thing - all those details you just told us about all your planning to get to this point? Most people aren't going to know that.
And for that matter it goes both ways. Everyone makes choices, and I bet those dual earning couples who live in a big new house and drive a Lexus and take a bazillion vacations like their choices too. But they probably get comments like, "Oh, you're so lucky to be able to go on vacation with the kids/buy such a nice house/car/etc..." causing them to think, "LUCKY? We work our butts off to maintain this lifestyle and give our kids these opportunities...yada yada yada".
So just remember, most people don't know the details of your life, just as you don't know the details of theirs. Be happy with what you have and remember that yes, you ARE lucky because not only did you plan well, but life hasn't thrown you a curve ball and caused you to deviate from your plan.
While I get your point and totally agree, I just want to make it clear that life HAS thrown me curveballs. PLenty of them! I won't detail everything like "poor me" because everyone has their story- but I have made it through and, yes, ended up right where I wanted/ planned to be. Maybe not as soon as I would have liked, but i'm here. I didn't mean to make it sound like I planned out every detail of my life perfectly since I was 5 and stuck to the plan and -poof- here I am in my fairy tale life. not. at. all.
This vent was fueled by a few very specific people in my life that DO indeed know the details of my life- and I know theirs. I know that all (decent) parents work their asses off to give their kids the best life they can- whether that means just getting food on the table, or SAH, or paying for private school, or making memories on family vacations. I really didn't mean to offend anyone. It's just a vent. I appreciate everyones perspective though.
...just want to add: I think my issue is the word "lucky." Luck, by definition = Success or failure brought on by chance rather than through one's own actions.
I almost never use the word unless i'm talking about winning a prize or blessing (i.e. I am lucky to have had a healthy baby.) I think it's often confused with jealousy, which I just don't believe in.
I agree. And some people really can't afford to SAH. Of course I'm sure a lot of the "judgy" people you're talking about could have worked it out if they worked hard and make the sacrifices you did. I think it's great that you worked so hard to do what is important to you. Try not to let their dumb assumptions bother you!
You just have to realize in life that when people say things like that they most likely haven't thought long and hard about the meaning of the word or its implications - it's just a word that comes out of their mouths before they thought about it. Maybe you could point it out to them, saying something like, "You're right, we're very blessed, and I'm so glad all of our hard work and tough decisions paid off, so that we can live the lifestyle of our choosing." Or something, you KWIM?
People say stupid things all of the time! It's just a fact.
I could have written the original post myself. I totally get what you are saying. I have the same thing happening with people I considered close friends. Now that I am a SAHM having a simple conversation with a particular person is like navigating a mine field. It usually results in her saying "well not all of us can be a stay at home mom" or "we don't all have the time that you have".
Like you, we don't eat out, take vacations and I certainly don't sit around sucking down bon bons all day. I have never worked so hard in my life. This "friend" of mine takes a vacation several times a year, carries a coach purse, bought a new house, etc. Which is all fine and good, but then stop taking pot shots at me because you have to work.
It's hurtful when someone you thought understood you and your history is suddenly bitten by the green eyed monster.
Chin up Mommy. Keep what works for you and forget the rest.
OP, I totally hear you on this, it's really frustrating when people who KNOW you worked hard and made sacrifices play the "lucky" card out of jealousy. In my case, it's my mom who does it, always talking about how we "hit the jackpot" etc etc because we have a good marriage, live in a city we love, have paid-off cars, etc etc. And yeah, we ARE lucky, and I feel grateful every day, but we're lucky for the same reasons she's lucky... we were born and live healthy and middle-class in a rich country with a ton of opportunities. But she's miserable and hates her life because she's made nothing but bad, irresponsible choices, while I made practical choices and worked my butt off to make sure I got the things that were important to me. I've had good fortune along the way, for sure, but it wasn't bad luck that made her triple-mortgage her house so she could buy an endless stream of new SUVs, motorcycles, vacations, and attempt to retire at age 50 with zero savings.
The fact that she spent a lot of time trying to force me to make the same terrible choices definitely adds to the frustration now when she acts like the only difference between her life and mine is that I was "lucky".
Anyhow. The vast majority of the time, when people say I'm lucky, I smile, nod, and agree with them, I am incredibly lucky to have my family's health and a sea of opportunities surrounding me.
Reminds me of an article I read on Mommyish the other day. Five things not to say to a SAHM. https://mommyish.com/stuff/mommy-wars-top-5-things-not-to-say-to-a-stay-at-home-mom-786/
There is also one for working moms: https://mommyish.com/work-life-balance/top-5-things-not-to-say-to-a-working-mom-122/
Eh, it goes both ways. I get comments all the time about how I should just quit my job and stay at home b/c my husband is super successful.
No thanks! I earned numerous degrees and worked long and hard at my career to get where I am. I would never be able to stay at home. I'm just not cut out for it. It annoys the crap out of me that people are so judgy.
We also get comments about being so lucky because we travel so much, own houses and a boat, etc. etc. We worked really hard for this stuff and as far as I'm concerned we deserve it. But we do sacrifice time away from LO. It's the price you pay, but working is the lesser of two evils for me.
I don't think that people mean anything negative by their comments. I would give ANYTHING in the world to be able to stay at home with my daughter. Unfortunately, I make twice as much as my police officer husband. We live in a high cost of living area, and even a studio apartment (that is just ONE ROOM) would be just under 1/2 of his take home salary for the month. We would actually qualify for WIC and some other services if we were a family of 3 living on his salary. That seems crazy to me, that a police officer in this area couldn't make enough to support a wife and one child, but that is the case.
We didn't meet until I was in my 30s, so we didn't have the luxury of taking our time and spending years saving up before having kids. We each owned a home that we couldn't sell due to the housing crash, and now rent out as rental properties, but my tenant stopped paying the rent a month after the baby was born, and caused over $20,000 in damages before we could get her evicted. We had to borrow from my retirement to try and save the house, but I can't sell it, we are still waiting for the wage garnishment for the damages and past rent, and I can't keep spending all of our money on a vacant, damaged house in another state. I have gone over and over in my head how we could possibly do it, but we can't. So yeah, I DO think you are lucky. Even with extreme sacrifice, we can not afford for ME to stay at home. We could afford for my husband to stay at home, but I think that would damage our marriage severely because I would NOT be able to get over the jealousy that he was home and I wasn't.
I get that being a SAHM isn't easy. I am by myself most nights and weekends due to my husband's schedule, and it is TOUGH to take care of a baby all day. I think you could be a little more sensitive to those of us that are working because there really isn't another option at the moment, instead of being so offended that people think you are lucky. Yes, you are lucky. You are lucky that you met your husband so young and had the luxury of time to get where you are. You are lucky that you didn't have someone else deal you a devastating financial blow while you were still on maternity leave, throwing any dreams of taking more than your 6 weeks of paid leave off or going back to work part-time. Yeah, I'm bitter. Not at the SAHMs, but at the fact that sometimes you work hard and think you are right in the position to stay at home (or, in my case, take extended leave and then go back part time) and someone else screws up your plan. Maybe if we foreclosed on the house, or declared bankruptcy I would be able to stay at home...but then I would just be pushing my financial burdens out on the population.
I work because I have to. My husband doesn't make a lot of money, and we live paycheck to paycheck most months, just to cover the basics. Our lifestyle is far from luxurious. If there was any possible way for us to cut back so I could stay home, it would have been done. I'm sorry if you don't like the word "luck," and maybe it's not the best descriptor as it sounds like you did plan well, but when my heart is breaking every morning when I have to leave my daughter, I'm going to say SAHM's are lucky, and I'm not going to apologize for it.