Is it ok to judge people for certain things, in your opinion? — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Is it ok to judge people for certain things, in your opinion?

I got into a little facebook debate with a "friend" (really acquaintance), about judging people who keep their homes filthy.

She posted this: Every mom & dad should repost!* Dirty dishes prove I feed my family, full trashcans prove I clean up after their mess, messy floors prove that I let my child have fun, piles of clean laundry prove I keep my family in clean clothes, a wet bathroom proves that I bathe my child! So next time you walk into my house and see a mess, think twice before you judge!!! Keep this going if you are a parent..

 I commented that I thought it was a cute status message, but then I pointed out that there is a difference between messiness and filth.  I said that I don't judge people who have stuff laying around, because my house is usually messy with having a 15-month old pulling stuff out all the time.  But I said that I do judge people who have a filthy house. I gave examples like moldy dishes, toilets that haven't been cleaned in weeks, and kids sleeping without sheets on dirty mattresses.  

She responded by basically saying that single moms can let their house get that way when they are trying to work a full-time job. She said that it's not always easy to keep a house clean when you don't have any time. She said "I've never been the type to judge anyone"

I responded by repeating, that I was not talking about messiness, I was talking about filth.  I said "It takes 5 minutes to scrub a toilet, 5 minutes to empty a trash can, and 15-20 minutes to wash dishes by hand"  I think that if a person even cleaned their house well twice a week, their house would never get to that disgusting level.

Am I way off base here? Is it wrong to judge people for keeping a filthy house? Again, not talking about messiness... talking about the filth you see on tv.

I also told her that it's easy for her to say that she doesn't judge anyone, but that of course she does. I said, "do you judge animal abusers? Do you judge people who abuse their children? Of course you do. I am willing to admit that I judge people who make their kids live in filth"

Do I have compassion for people who seem to have lost all care about the way they live? Yes. I do. But, it still angers me that they make their kids live that way. Kids don't deserve that.

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Re: Is it ok to judge people for certain things, in your opinion?

  • Everybody judges people and I hate when people claim they don't. They might not be proud of it, but it still happens.

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  • I personally wouldn't wouldn't get in a facebook argument/debate in the first place...  I sort of judge people that air the dirty laundry via facebook (not saying you did).  But, yes, I am sure that everyone judges to a degree.
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  • I am understanding ofthe distinction you have made and agree with it - just last night I was watching America's Funniest Home Videos and judging the people who had messy houses.

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  • I think you are way off base! What did that post have to do with dirty homes? You took it a little over board the point of the post was you may stop over and my house isn't perfect but at least I care for my family. It has nothing to do with dirty mattresses or *** roaches, sounds like you wasted a lot of time worrying about how others live!





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  • I agree with you about the distinction between messy and filthy.  My best friend is a single mom, attending school and working 45-50 hours a week and her house is cleaner than mine.  It's possible to do it all but I wouldn't hold any other single mom to her standard.

    For just a Facebook status, I don't understand why you thought it would be a good idea to start the debate in the first place.  My cousin had one up that said something like "Repost this if you want prayer back in schools, God shouldn't have been taken out in the first place."  I fought every urge to say that religious students can pray to themselves whenever they want to, but in a publically funded school with children of different beliefs (and no beliefs) prayer has no place.  I'm glad I shut up.  It's just Facebook.

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  • I remember walking into a friends house when i was in HS and she had 3 or 4 younger siblings... her house was a disaster. Piles of clothes eeeverywhere (even in the living room), toys laying all around, you had an obstacle course in almost every room and there were dishes all over the kitchen, not just in the sink. I didn't think to myself, "Wow, they know how to have fun here and I'm glad to see they are all well fed!" I felt like i wanted to get out of there because it was so cluttered and dirty and i felt sorry for the kids there... They left an impression on me that they just didn't care, not that they cared for their family. If i was so annoyed that i felt the need to respond to her status, i probably would have stuck with something along the lines of, "And a Mommy and Daddy who clean all that up prove that they have pride and love for their family! :)" or something... that way she didn't feel like i was "attacking" her but i still got a point across that cleaning is essential... But i definitely agree with your stance on it and that people by nature are judgemental, it's just how you act upon your judgement i guess that says something about your character..
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  • I agree that everyone judges people....and anyone that says they don't are liars...
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  • She wasn't talking about CPS-should-be-called-filth.  Honestly, I think you just want to argue or show you are a superior mom, if that wasn't your intention, I don't know why you bothered responding at all.

     

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  • Of course everyone judges, but there's a big difference between judging in your head or to your SO and verbally judging people.  There's just no reason to get into public debates with people on stuff like this and to make someone feel like they're not doing a good enough job for no reason.
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  • Well, I'm not sure about cleaning your house twice a week being the requirement.  I think the level of filth you are describing could be addressed by cleaning the house about once a month.  Maybe less.  Moldy dishes?  Bare dirty mattresses?  I think you know that isn't what your friend was talking about in her status, unless you have a lot of friends who live in crack dens or run meth labs.  I give my house a "thorough" cleaning about once every two weeks, but keep up on the sweeping and dishes and wiping down of counters as needed, and I definitely get the impression from the way you worded your post that you would be judging me for not scrubbing top to bottom twice a week. 
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  • image 526SadieSadie:

    I agree with you about the distinction between messy and filthy.  My best friend is a single mom, attending school and working 45-50 hours a week and her house is cleaner than mine.  It's possible to do it all but I wouldn't hold any other single mom to her standard.

    For just a Facebook status, I don't understand why you thought it would be a good idea to start the debate in the first place.  My cousin had one up that said something like "Repost this if you want prayer back in schools, God shouldn't have been taken out in the first place."  I fought every urge to say that religious students can pray to themselves whenever they want to, but in a publically funded school with children of different beliefs (and no beliefs) prayer has no place.  I'm glad I shut up.  It's just Facebook.

    Yep.

    Of course people judge.  All people judge.  That's the way it is.  But I'd also be a little annoyed if I posted a cute little message like that and someone went into a tirade about filth....why even say that?  I'm sure you know that's not what she meant...

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  • Judge actions. Do not judge people.


     

  • I am with you as far as a dirty house vs a messy house. I am always doing something so my house isn't dirty. I hate having a dirty bathroom or dirty floors and I try my best to keep it that way.

    I think we all judge other poeple, its human nature. If someone says they don't, I don't believe them.

    I don't think you are off base, I am not sure if I would have made such a big deal about it. I am not on fb and this is one of the reasons why. To much drama imo.

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  • image psychgirl33:
    image 526SadieSadie:

    I agree with you about the distinction between messy and filthy.  My best friend is a single mom, attending school and working 45-50 hours a week and her house is cleaner than mine.  It's possible to do it all but I wouldn't hold any other single mom to her standard.

    For just a Facebook status, I don't understand why you thought it would be a good idea to start the debate in the first place.  My cousin had one up that said something like "Repost this if you want prayer back in schools, God shouldn't have been taken out in the first place."  I fought every urge to say that religious students can pray to themselves whenever they want to, but in a publically funded school with children of different beliefs (and no beliefs) prayer has no place.  I'm glad I shut up.  It's just Facebook.

    Yep.

    Of course people judge.  All people judge.  That's the way it is.  But I'd also be a little annoyed if I posted a cute little message like that and someone went into a tirade about filth....why even say that?  I'm sure you know that's not what she meant...

    I agree and hear what you're saying, but I don't think FB is the place to go into it!  It was a cute message.  I think you may have taken it way too seriously. 

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  • image JennPierog:
    I think you are way off base! What did that post have to do with dirty homes? You took it a little over board the point of the post was you may stop over and my house isn't perfect but at least I care for my family. It has nothing to do with dirty mattresses or *** roaches, sounds like you wasted a lot of time worrying about how others live!

    I agree. It's just FB! Don't take it so seriously. And, yeah, everyone judges and filthy houses are disgusting.

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  • Filthy homes get me going too... I agree that there is a HUGE difference between clutter (toys on the floor, bills on the table waiting to get paid) versus bacteria growing in the kitchen sink, and toilet seat. 

    Like you said, it takes 5 minutes to clean the toilet.  Or... 30 seconds to use a disinfecting wipe to  sanitize the counters you cook supper on.  My SO was a single father, and the filth of his home appalled me when I moved in.  Yes, he was working full time, in school full time, and had a 1 yo... but part of providing for your children is making sure that the place they live in is clean!! Why is it that people so often forget about that???

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  • I agree with the filthy houses comment verses the messiness, I usually keep my house in great condition, but after my crazy week with DH in the hospital and my sister having her baby and DH's grandpa passed, my house has fallen behind.... SO I am starting to understand how it will be once baby gets here, and people have been coming and going into my house checking on DH, and I can tell by there reactions they notice the difference, but instead of judging they have offered to help me juggle DH on bedrest and cant walk without assistance to bathroom, plus working full time+ more to help with DH being off of work, and crazyness.

    Anyway what I am getting at is this: people who live in filth and mom's who are busy are two different things, I would NEVER judge any of my friends for having a few dishes in the sink or a full trash can, I would understand that is not top priority right now, but it also is not to the point of risking her children's health and safety (working as a social worker I know the difference)

    Dont get so worked up over FB, or even this, live your life the way you want and they will do the same

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  • image MamaVantobe:
    Everybody judges people and I hate when people claim they don't. They might not be proud of it, but it still happens.

    I agree with the statement above. Every body judges.  I do try my best not to be too judgmental but sometimes you just can't help but have an opinion about.

    Regarding your friend -- I'm not a single mother but I do work full time and DH does not help around the house with cleaning, laundry or cooking.  Never the less my house is not "fithy" and I would never let it get that way.  Full time job or not -- there really is no excuse for fith IMO.  Mess vs. Filth is different - I agree.  Of course there are times when things get a little messy -- have not put away the laundry, yet -- Just finished cooking but needed to tend to DS before cleaning up -- stuff like that.

    On the other hand -- I don't feel like it was neccesary to bring up the different between the two on that particular facebook post.

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  • image F&G777:
    I agree that everyone judges people....and anyone that says they don't are liars...

    I agree and I think it's a very human thing. It's how we make friends and get along better with some people than others. Not all judgements are bad. There are some horrible ones, based on sex, race or other factors. Judgements are natural, I just don't agree with always making them known. There's a time and a place for everything.  


  • Everyone judges people and actions.  To have an opinion on someone or something they do and to make a statement about it (whether it be out loud or to yourself) is still judging.  I think we all strive to be less judgemental, but there are very few things in this world that are absolute and I think 'judging" falls into that category.

    I agree with your distinction...and I would have probably thought the exact same thing, but I doubt I would have bothered posting a comment on it.  Not because you arent entitled to state your opinion, but because I find arguing about those types of issues etc are a big waste of time.  I also dont think anything you said was about you trying to show you were a "superior" mom, since you admitted to being messy.  So I'm not sure how some people got that from what you said. 

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  • Haven't read this whole conversation, but simple answer:

     

    Judgement has no use. It has use for your own life and in making decisions, but if you're doing something "right," the best way to point people in that same direction is to live by example. But lavishing judgment on other people is a futile and misguided thing to do - it does no one any good, and at the end of the day, there really is no wrong or right (that's something us humans are constantly battling with, just let it go and do your best instead of trying to prove people wrong all the time!!!). We all agree that none of us are perfect, and we ALL make mistakes and are imperfect in big and small ways. Once you accept this fact, you realize how silly it is to compare your strengths to others, or your weaknesses to others.

  • image KRISTA555:

    I got into a little facebook debate with a "friend" (really acquaintance), about judging people who keep their homes filthy.

    She posted this: Every mom & dad should repost!* Dirty dishes prove I feed my family, full trashcans prove I clean up after their mess, messy floors prove that I let my child have fun, piles of clean laundry prove I keep my family in clean clothes, a wet bathroom proves that I bathe my child! So next time you walk into my house and see a mess, think twice before you judge!!! Keep this going if you are a parent..

     I commented that I thought it was a cute status message, but then I pointed out that there is a difference between messiness and filth.  I said that I don't judge people who have stuff laying around, because my house is usually messy with having a 15-month old pulling stuff out all the time.  But I said that I do judge people who have a filthy house. I gave examples like moldy dishes, toilets that haven't been cleaned in weeks, and kids sleeping without sheets on dirty mattresses.  

    She responded by basically saying that single moms can let their house get that way when they are trying to work a full-time job. She said that it's not always easy to keep a house clean when you don't have any time. She said "I've never been the type to judge anyone"

    I responded by repeating, that I was not talking about messiness, I was talking about filth.  I said "It takes 5 minutes to scrub a toilet, 5 minutes to empty a trash can, and 15-20 minutes to wash dishes by hand"  I think that if a person even cleaned their house well twice a week, their house would never get to that disgusting level.

    Am I way off base here? Is it wrong to judge people for keeping a filthy house? Again, not talking about messiness... talking about the filth you see on tv.

    I also told her that it's easy for her to say that she doesn't judge anyone, but that of course she does. I said, "do you judge animal abusers? Do you judge people who abuse their children? Of course you do. I am willing to admit that I judge people who make their kids live in filth"

    Do I have compassion for people who seem to have lost all care about the way they live? Yes. I do. But, it still angers me that they make their kids live that way. Kids don't deserve that.

     

    If passing judgment on people actually made them feel encouraged to live a better life, rather than just cause conflict, then it would b ea useful thing to do perhaps. But that's not the case.

     

    And here I go again judging you, right? Well, I think if your friend were to ask you what do you think of the difference between messiness/filth, am I being too messy? well, then go for it !

  • image firstmom2b:

    Haven't read this whole conversation, but simple answer:

     

    Judgement has no use. It has use for your own life and in making decisions, but if you're doing something "right," the best way to point people in that same direction is to live by example. But lavishing judgment on other people is a futile and misguided thing to do - it does no one any good, and at the end of the day, there really is no wrong or right (that's something us humans are constantly battling with, just let it go and do your best instead of trying to prove people wrong all the time!!!). We all agree that none of us are perfect, and we ALL make mistakes and are imperfect in big and small ways. Once you accept this fact, you realize how silly it is to compare your strengths to others, or your weaknesses to others.

    This is true and correct...made me realize I didnt really answer the question.  IMO the short answer is No (judging others is not right)...but I do think it's human nature to do so and no point in beating yourself up about it as long as you strive not to be so judgemental. 

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  • And we could make a huge list of "no nos" - filthy homes, hatred towards a different race, becoming unhealthily obese or the other way - skinny, I mean the list goes on an on ...

     

    the thing is, before you start judging someone before one wrong thing that they do, consider that there's something 'wrong' that you do, and people judging you for it isn't going to do any good.

     

    Maybe I'm being judgmental for this stance : ) I just think being judgmental just doesn't serve anyone. Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself? But we should all just accept each other imperfections and try to help each other, rather than judge each other. 

     

    Maybe you're a clean freak, but maybe you also have a bad case of OCD that's literally driving you crazy. You know, it's all about perspective. 

  • image mhollidayesq:
    image firstmom2b:

    Haven't read this whole conversation, but simple answer:

     

    Judgement has no use. It has use for your own life and in making decisions, but if you're doing something "right," the best way to point people in that same direction is to live by example. But lavishing judgment on other people is a futile and misguided thing to do - it does no one any good, and at the end of the day, there really is no wrong or right (that's something us humans are constantly battling with, just let it go and do your best instead of trying to prove people wrong all the time!!!). We all agree that none of us are perfect, and we ALL make mistakes and are imperfect in big and small ways. Once you accept this fact, you realize how silly it is to compare your strengths to others, or your weaknesses to others.

    This is true and correct...made me realize I didnt really answer the question.  IMO the short answer is No (judging others is not right)...but I do think it's human nature to do so and no point in beating yourself up about it as long as you strive not to be so judgemental. 

     

    Absolutely! It's like we shouldn't even be judgmental about how judgmental other people are, haha, it IS human nature. ; ) We all do it. 

  • I think it's hilarious how people on this thread are saying that "Facebook isn't the place to start a debate" or "its just Facebook". That's what Facebook is for! It's for putting out your thoughts and having people comment on them! Jesus Christ, if Facebook isn't the place for friendly debates and differing opinions, where is? I must have missed the boat when everyone decided Facebook was a sacred place where everybody should get along and shut their mouths if someone posts something you don't like.

    And FFS, anyone who posts anything that starts with "repost this!' or "pass this on!" deserves to be ripped into just for being an idiot who posts that stuff.

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  • image SheenaNash1:

    I think it's hilarious how people on this thread are saying that "Facebook isn't the place to start a debate" or "its just Facebook". That's what Facebook is for! It's for putting out your thoughts and having people comment on them! Jesus Christ, if Facebook isn't the place for friendly debates and differing opinions, where is? I must have missed the boat when everyone decided Facebook was a sacred place where everybody should get along and shut their mouths if someone posts something you don't like.

    And FFS, anyone who posts anything that starts with "repost this!' or "pass this on!" deserves to be ripped into just for being an idiot who posts that stuff.

     

    Okay, but I'd say in real life, if a person was sharing a cute thing she read in a book about mess - because this doesn't seem like an original string of sentences - it would be a little odd to start lecturing her about the difference between filth and mess. Especially if a lot of other people, including her family and friends, could overhear your conversation. 

     

    No? 

  • image SheenaNash1:

    I think it's hilarious how people on this thread are saying that "Facebook isn't the place to start a debate" or "its just Facebook". That's what Facebook is for! It's for putting out your thoughts and having people comment on them! Jesus Christ, if Facebook isn't the place for friendly debates and differing opinions, where is? I must have missed the boat when everyone decided Facebook was a sacred place where everybody should get along and shut their mouths if someone posts something you don't like.

    And FFS, anyone who posts anything that starts with "repost this!' or "pass this on!" deserves to be ripped into just for being an idiot who posts that stuff.

    I agree.

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  • image firstmom2b:
    image SheenaNash1:

    I think it's hilarious how people on this thread are saying that "Facebook isn't the place to start a debate" or "its just Facebook". That's what Facebook is for! It's for putting out your thoughts and having people comment on them! Jesus Christ, if Facebook isn't the place for friendly debates and differing opinions, where is? I must have missed the boat when everyone decided Facebook was a sacred place where everybody should get along and shut their mouths if someone posts something you don't like.

    And FFS, anyone who posts anything that starts with "repost this!' or "pass this on!" deserves to be ripped into just for being an idiot who posts that stuff.

     

    Okay, but I'd say in real life, if a person was sharing a cute thing she read in a book about mess - because this doesn't seem like an original string of sentences - it would be a little odd to start lecturing her about the difference between filth and mess. Especially if a lot of other people, including her family and friends, could overhear your conversation. 

     

    No? 

    Well in real life it'd be a weird conversation in general. But it wasn't, it was FB. And FWIW, I think most people who post that stuff about being a mom and how hard it is and ask other moms to pass it on are just asking for attention. So she gave that lady what she wanted, attention for posting something stupid.

     

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  • image SheenaNash1:
    image firstmom2b:
    image SheenaNash1:

    I think it's hilarious how people on this thread are saying that "Facebook isn't the place to start a debate" or "its just Facebook". That's what Facebook is for! It's for putting out your thoughts and having people comment on them! Jesus Christ, if Facebook isn't the place for friendly debates and differing opinions, where is? I must have missed the boat when everyone decided Facebook was a sacred place where everybody should get along and shut their mouths if someone posts something you don't like.

    And FFS, anyone who posts anything that starts with "repost this!' or "pass this on!" deserves to be ripped into just for being an idiot who posts that stuff.

     

    Okay, but I'd say in real life, if a person was sharing a cute thing she read in a book about mess - because this doesn't seem like an original string of sentences - it would be a little odd to start lecturing her about the difference between filth and mess. Especially if a lot of other people, including her family and friends, could overhear your conversation. 

     

    No? 

    Well in real life it'd be a weird conversation in general. But it wasn't, it was FB. And FWIW, I think most people who post that stuff about being a mom and how hard it is and ask other moms to pass it on are just asking for attention. So she gave that lady what she wanted, attention for posting something stupid.

     

     

    I see what you're saying, I just don't see the point, really. This girl obviously was so conflicted with this argument, that she came to post about it here. I just don't see what good could possibly come out of it is all. Like if you were really concerned about your FB friend's "filth," why not send a private message with some tips on cleaning or offer to help out cleaning at the house. Seems a little patronizing, but if that's really where you're coming from, that would seem better than arguing about how, essentially, you're so much better for valuing cleanliness? 

  • I think it is ok to judge people period.  Its important to keep an open mind also but The way you act, dress, speak what you do sooo many things make people think a certain thing.  A lot of judgements are true too.  I think it is human nature to see something and want to catorgize it.   I most definitely judge dirty homes.  You dont take care of something that take up the majority of you money.  You allow filth to be around your children germs to accumulate and as a host you have done poorly by allowing people to come to a home like that.  It also teaches your children to not respect their belongings, because well you dont respect yours.  I also think you are lazy.. Dont tell me you dont have time, you do.  People make time for their favorite shows I am certain they can make time to clean their house, especially if they have time to be on facebook.  You dont lack compassion she lacks standards!
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  • image kiarstin:
    I think it is ok to judge people period.  Its important to keep an open mind also but The way you act, dress, speak what you do sooo many things make people think a certain thing.  A lot of judgements are true too.  I think it is human nature to see something and want to catorgize it.   I most definitely judge dirty homes.  You dont take care of something that take up the majority of you money.  You allow filth to be around your children germs to accumulate and as a host you have done poorly by allowing people to come to a home like that.  It also teaches your children to not respect their belongings, because well you dont respect yours.  I also think you are lazy.. Dont tell me you dont have time, you do.  People make time for their favorite shows I am certain they can make time to clean their house, especially if they have time to be on facebook.  You dont lack compassion she lacks standards!

    hahaha, I like the way you think! 

    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/34iigys.jpg[/IMG]

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  • image kiarstin:
    I think it is ok to judge people period.  Its important to keep an open mind also but The way you act, dress, speak what you do sooo many things make people think a certain thing.  A lot of judgements are true too.  I think it is human nature to see something and want to catorgize it.   I most definitely judge dirty homes.  You dont take care of something that take up the majority of you money.  You allow filth to be around your children germs to accumulate and as a host you have done poorly by allowing people to come to a home like that.  It also teaches your children to not respect their belongings, because well you dont respect yours.  I also think you are lazy.. Dont tell me you dont have time, you do.  People make time for their favorite shows I am certain they can make time to clean their house, especially if they have time to be on facebook.  You dont lack compassion she lacks standards!

    I agree with this, especially the part "It also teaches your children to not respect their belongings".  

    By saying she is not the one to judge people, she is judging people who judge.  We all judge.  Otherwise, why do we dress nice for a job interview?  

    m/c - Dec 2005, DS - March 27, 2007, m/c - Oct 2009, DD - Feb 20, 2012

    Proud mother of two breech babies:)

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