2nd Trimester

Meddling Mother-in-law

So I just found out that yesterday my boyfriend's mom posted my 20 week ultrasound on Facebook without consulting me. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I haven't posted anything on FB myself about the pregnancy and specifically did not plan to post any ultrasound pictures or anything like that, to me that's a very personal thing and I didn't want to share that with everyone I know on Facebook. She didn't tag me but we a few mutual friends on FB and my name was on the ultrasound.

 Am I overreacting? Can I ask her to take it down? Just trying to wrap my head around this whole situation--feedback much appreciated!

Re: Meddling Mother-in-law

  • How did she get a copy of your ultrasound? I think it's perfectly fine to explain your reasoning and ask that she take it down.

    You should assume (until you know otherwise) that she is just excited and this wasn't something malicious.  

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  • Of course you aren't overreacting.  That's your personal business.  I will kindly ask her to take it down.  She should know better not to post ultrasound pics if you haven't posted anything on your FB about your pregnancy.  But at the same time she is probably over excited and didn't think twice about it.  Definitely talk to her about it..it will make you feel better :-)
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  • I can understand her posting it because she's excited about it. She probably didn't even think about the fact that you might not want the picture on facebook.

    I think it's fine to ask her to take it down. Just explain to her that it's not something you really want posted on facebook. Good luck!

  • How F*ING rude!!!! I would have DH demand that she take it down. It is HIS mother that is being so insensitive! An ultrasound (elective or not) is a MEDICAL PROCEDURE!! It is none of her business to make a public spectical of the inside of your body.
  • Thanks all for your feedback. I actually gave her the picture (we decided to give a copy to each of our parents). The reason I was so torn was that I know she just did it out of excitement (it's her first grandchild), but this being my first pregnancy things like my ultrasound photo seem very personal to me.

     Also, this isn't the first time I've dealt with a situation like this, maybe that's why I'm so sensitive this time. 5 days after we told her I was pregnant she put FB that "her son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby", so still no names but I didn't feel like that was her news to share so early on (I was only about 6 weeks at the time).

    Anyway, I really appreciate all the feedback!

  • I think she was totally out of line! It's your (and your boyfriend's) u/s pic. She was totally out of line unless he told her it was OK. If he did then you need to have a talk with him and not his mother...she may have thought it was OK. Either way you have every right to ask her to take it down since your name is displayed on it.
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  • Excited- I think that's something I don't want to hear but maybe need to hear, I am extremely fortunate that I have family surrounding me that's so excited about this baby.

    I ultimately just decided to tag myself in the pic so I wouldn't have to consistently check back on FB wondering when someone else was going to let the cat out of the bag. I think from now on I'll just be a little more cautious about what I give out and make sure that what I want (and don't want) is communicated clearly from the beginning.

    Thanks all!

  • You aren't overreacting at all.  Remember when life was so much simpler - before the days of social networks?  It does not seem unreasonable to ask her to remove the photo.  As was stated before, she is probably just thrilled as can be to have a grandchild on the way.  Does your boyfriend have any thoughts about it or how to approach the issue?  Good luck!
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  • imagemirroredimage:

    You're definitely in a tough situation.  On one hand it's your pregnancy and she shouldn't be posting personal things on the internet but, on the other hand, this is her grandbaby and she's excited.

    Personally, I come from the opinion that just because you're pregnant doesn't mean that you're the only one affected.  Family members have a right to be excited, too, especially grandparents. 

    What I would recommend is asking her to black out your name before posting any pregnancy pictures online.  If she asks why you can explain that you feel this is a personal matter that doesn't need to be shared with old kindergarten classmates.  You can also point out that she still gets to be excited and post pictures and you still get your anonymity. 

     

    Good luck!

     

    Ditto the bolded part. I think it is kind of a tall order to ask a grandparents to keep the news that they're about to have a grandchild a secret for this long!! Be happy that she's excited!! Some women have parents/grandparents who are not....

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  • I think you are over reacting.  You are well within the window for everyone to know, and the issue isn't even that you have told people just that you were not posting anything.  She is excited to be a grandma and most people think of that as something to be shared so she shared it.  I wouldn't ask anyone to take down a picture especially of their own grandchild.  But that is just me. 
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  • Other posters have mentioned this, but have you asked her not to post anything on FB?  If not, she probably didn't even think of it.  You can't assume that just because you haven't posted anything that she has noticed and understands it to mean she should post anything.  You really need to address that with her first.  I know I have told all my family and friends that until they see me say something, I don't want anything on FB.  Once I post, they have the green light to go nuts.  My reasons are mixed: I am not telling work yet and I am super-cautious being high-risk, so I don't want to put too much out there yet. 

    Now, as for the u/s pic, please check and make sure your SSN is not on the pic!  A friend accidentally posted hers.  

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  • Over-reacting...no ma'am, you are taking pretty well compared to what I would do. I think that that was very inapproproiate of her to do this. How did she get the ultrasoud picture? There are other ways to show you are excited about a grandchild and a pregnancy  than to show someone's ultrasound, I don't think that was called for on her part, you have every reason to be upset about this.
  • imageekpyne:

    Thanks all for your feedback. I actually gave her the picture (we decided to give a copy to each of our parents). The reason I was so torn was that I know she just did it out of excitement (it's her first grandchild), but this being my first pregnancy things like my ultrasound photo seem very personal to me.

     Also, this isn't the first time I've dealt with a situation like this, maybe that's why I'm so sensitive this time. 5 days after we told her I was pregnant she put FB that "her son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby", so still no names but I didn't feel like that was her news to share so early on (I was only about 6 weeks at the time).

    Anyway, I really appreciate all the feedback!

     I'm glad you are ok with how things turned out.  I'm sure your MIL was just really excited!  We specifically asked those who know to NOT post anything on FB.  We still have a lot of close friends who do not know yet and I would rather tell them in person.  I actually completely locked down my FB page so only I can post on it.  All tags have to be approved by me.  This way there is less chance of something getting out before we are ready. 

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  •  Geez, by your title, I expected a meddling MIL.  This is not meddling. At all.

    Kindly and politely ask her to take it down.

    She didn't post it out of malice... she's just excited. Give her a break and be glad that your child has a grandma who is excited. 

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  • imageboydstm:
    How F*ING rude!!!! I would have DH demand that she take it down. It is HIS mother that is being so insensitive! An ultrasound (elective or not) is a MEDICAL PROCEDURE!! It is none of her business to make a public spectical of the inside of your body.

    Really? You can't politely talk to your MIL about something like this? Your DH has to DEMAND that she take it down? 

    You're gonna be one of those chicks who freaks the crap out if an 80 year old lady touches your child's foot in the grocery store, aren't you?

    You sound like a very gracious and kind person to be around(sarc).

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  • "unfriend" her on FB.  that should get your point across. 

    in all seriousness sounds like she just didn't think.  like my MIL didn't think to even ask me if she could take a 3 month old DD 2.5 hrs away one day while i was at work so she could show her off to her friends (we had a long talk about boundaries after that).  

    got to set those lines now.  it will only get worse.

  • I would ask her politely to take it down and explain to her that it is YOUR baby...if anyone is going to post things on facebook, it's going to be you. I have a somewhat meddlesome MIL as well, I know how you feel. :-) 
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  • That is so not cool of her to do. Have your boyfriend talk to his mom asap to take them down. That is great that she is excited and proud, but that is YOUR news to share, not hers.
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  • Make your wishes known.  I've laid down the law to my Mom and MIL.  DH and I do not want U/S pics on FB.  My sister took a pic of our U/S and texted to my Mom (mom was OOT and hadn't seen the pic yet).  I made it clear that the text was to go no further and if it did I wouldn't so them future pics. It's your body and your baby. Don't give her copies or limit her access to what U/S pics she can see. You have every right to tell her to take it down.

  • I would let her know that you appreciate how excited she is but ask her to take it down.  I am not on Facebook but my mother and mother-in-law are.  I specifically told them that I want no information about the baby on Facebook.

    I am sure she was thinking, "It's my grandchild!"  But I would probably be thinking, "Hey!  That's my uterus!" 

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  • When DH and I told our parents/relatives we had to include a clause that they were NOT to make any posts, comments, or inclinations of our pregnancy on FB because it is OUR decision to share things like this with the world, she can be as excited as she wants but if you don't want your uterus on the WWW.... tell her to take it down.  My pregnancy is a very private issue between my husband and I that we choose to share with people who we actually care about and since half of the people who are 'friends' on FB aren actually just acquaintences, it's none of their business!
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  • We told our families and asked that it be left off social media because we hadn't told everyone yet and that it would be a very impersonal way to find out instead of a call from us. Of course MIL put it up the next day. hubs told her to take it down. probably too late, it had been seen, but that's just the tip of the MIL iceberg I fear. I completely understand how this feels, people don't respect your wishes, but hopefully it was just a mistake, not a passive aggressive crazy MIL incident!  
  • I feel you my MIL is very over the top (her first grandchild) I kind of feel bad for my DH cause I feel like he is trying to make both of us happy withouth hurting the others feelings.  She doesn't have Facebook but ever since me and DH started trying she has been annoying.  She would ask anytime we seen her if we had news for her which when we didn't she would get all sad and said that she would never live long enough to see her grandchildren, so that started to bring me down a lot.  SO DH had to tell her to stop asking and we will tell her once it happens.  So once she stopped we got pregnant, then she started calling almost everyday to ask how I was feeling and making sure I didn't eat or drink something she read that was bad for pregnant women.  So again DH had to tell her to relax and that we knew all this already.  Then when we found out the sex (we are having a Girl) she started talking about getting all this reallyl girly stuff (i'm not a very girly person so I didn't like anything she was picking out)  SO DH had to tell her not to go over board with lots of pink and fluffy cause we don't care for that stuff.  Plus not to mention she wants us make sure we have a nice bed at in our guest room cause when she baby sits she will just stay over (i'm pretty sure she is gonna live with us a some point after baby is born) So even though she is annoying the crap out of me I'm trying to remind myself that she is just excited for her first grand child.  SO good luck and try not to get to upset by the stuff she does and hopefully you can talk to your boyfriend to kind of ground her a bit

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  • Unless you told her not to do that, she had no way of knowing. I think its fine to ask her to take it down, but also try to remember she is excited to be a grandmother and I doubt she meant any harm. I also see women say things like “ you need to tell her how it is!” and things like that, and I ALWAYS think those women must not have older children that they are thinking about sending on their own way in a few years. Try to think about how you would feel in her spot and just to work things threw calmly and nicely first<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

     

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    kiarstin said:
    I think you are over reacting.  You are well within the window for everyone to know, and the issue isn't even that you have told people just that you were not posting anything.  She is excited to be a grandma and most people think of that as something to be shared so she shared it.  I wouldn't ask anyone to take down a picture especially of their own grandchild.  But that is just me. 

    It doesn't matter if somebody is in the window for everyone to know - it's the OPs pregnancy, it's up to her to decide how and when to share the news and the people she wants to share it with.  Yes, grandma is probably excited and wasn't thinking but it is very much stepping over the line.  Pictures on facebook are owned by facebook the second you put them up (terms of service).  I'm sure  she doesn't know all her bf's mother's facebook friends.  She has no clue as to what privacy settings her bf's mother uses. This is also technically a picture of HER uterus, not just her bf's mother's grandchild.  It's completely inappropriate to post something so personal without permission or the ability to control who else can access it.  Not everyone posts their US pics on the internet, so why should a relative do it if OP didn't plan on it.  I've seen many idiots post them without even black-out the medical information on the top complete with the hospital they go to for care, their name and MR# and EDD.  That's just stupid to have that posted all over the place.

    I feel very strongly about relatives posting any pics of my child on fb without permission - you can't control other's privacy settings and who will see pics of your kid. Once they are out there, per FB terms and conditions, FB owns the pic rights while they are on there. I'm not comfortable with it.  I had this happen early on, set boundaries in a nice way (because I understood my ILs were just excited) by explaining my reasons for not wanting family members to post whatever they want whenever they want when it comes to my child.  They respect it.  OP - have a nice chat with her if it bothers you - I'm sure she didn't think about it but you can save yourself from future irritations by having a discussion about this now.

    Also - sorry - but this is just common sense.  Do people HAVE to tell everyone they know not to do something that is just common sense?  You get permission to do something beforehand, you don't just assume it's OK first.  Would you invite a friend to a party only you, yourself, have been invited to, without clearing it with the host first, or would you say "well the host didn't tell me I couldn't bring whoever I wanted" - that logic from a decency and etiquette perspective makes no sense. Ultrasound pictures are personal and private - it is good judgment and simple common sense that they should be kept private unless you have permission.  OP - please tell me she at least blacked-out any of your personal information!



     
  • Trust me, if this is as much as she meddles, you don't have much to worry about. My mil is trying to invite herself into the delivery room. She already invited herself to my baby shower that was for my friends (she went to the family shower a couple weeks prior). You just have to ask her nicely to take it down if you don't want her to have it up there. And explain why, hopefully she will get the hint that she can be excited, but without being too invasive.
  • Oh i just saw the last comment and it was at the top lol
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