The intro nobody wants to have to make

RequiresExalted · September 2011

Wednesday last week I had my first U/S. I was supposed to be 8w1d. I couldn't wait to see the heartbeat! The U/S tech started with the abdominal U/S, and after a few quick minutes told me she was going to switch to the trans-vaginal. I got a little worried, and thought this might be a bad sign, but it's still pretty early. When I laid back down, the tech's monitor was blocking my view of the big screen TV monitor... I should've known that was definitely a bad sign.

After what felt like forever with the tech not saying anything, as she tediously explored my girl parts with the U/S wand, I meekly asked "is everything ok?" already fighting back tears. I don't remember what she said, but at some point she said something to the effect of measuring around 5 weeks. Now I'm *really* trying not to cry. ~3 weeks small, I know that's a bad sign.

I was only supposed to chat with my doc's asst/nurse (which I did before the U/S) and not the doctor. So when we were brought into a different exam room to chat with my doctor - I knew it was bad. She told me it could be a m/c, or maybe I was just running small and everything would be ok. It didn't seem very hopeful. They drew my betas (this made my fourth one) and I went home, ate ice cream, and cried. And cried. Sure it was over.

Then my doctor called (personally!) a few hours later. I guess when she tells them to run betas stat, underlining the word twice and circling it, they listen. My betas were up to over 15,000. Up from about 3,000 two weeks prior. So the doctor said she was "cautiously optimistic," and we'd repeat the U/S in a week. We had hope again. Not as much, but still lots of hope.

Saturday afternoon/early eve. my spotting got worse. (I'd been spotting light-to-moderate for a few weeks--enough for pelvic rest, but not enough for serious concern) I probably couldn't call it spotting anymore, but I was in denial. And mild cramps. Yesterday the bleeding and cramping was too heavy to ignore, or hold on to any hope. Today they did another U/S, and confirmed.

The weird thing is, I haven't cried nearly as much as I thought I would. Maybe I got most of it out after the U/S. Maybe I did a good job preparing myself for the worst. Maybe I'm just numb. Who knows.

Anyway. That's my story.

orange_roses · September 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. It is okay to have hope - I talked to my "baby"/empty womb my entire ride to my confirmation ultrasound as a last hope effort.

I didn't cry much during my m/c, but sometimes it just hits me. I miscarried in May and as I watched kids running through the fountain this weekend, I just started crying at the thought that my baby wasn't going to do that....

ella.mabel · September 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was very numb while i was having my m/c and immediately after. It was the weeks that followed when it really hit me. Wishing you peace and comfort on this tough road. ((huge hugs))

keiral · September 2011

I am very sorry for your loss.

hopeful16 · September 2011

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

Kasi80 · September 2011

I'm sorry for your loss. My m/c started hours after I did my bloodwork to confirm my pregnancy. This was Friday. I m/c on Saturday. I got the call from the doctor yesterday telling me I was pregnant but I had to tell him that I m/c. I went in today for further bloodowrk and I am holding out hope but I know the baby's gone. You're not alone. We're all here for you and we know exactly what you are feeling.

ElizaSquan · September 2011

This was what happened to me almost exactly. I understand the agony of waiting and knowing, but having to get confirmation anyway.

I also cried the most after the Ultrasound, but I have these random moments when I just fall apart, so maybe you will be the same?

try to stay positive. Fresh start begins after the d&c.

lizbethwalker · September 2011

I'm so sorry. When I had my MC I cried once when I first started bleeding, that was it. I think it's normal to be a little numb.

Steph_NJ · September 2011

Our stories are similar. I also thought I was 8 weeks at my first u/s and measured 5/6 weeks -- a yolk sac and tiny baby, but no heartbeat. 10 days later at the followup u/s (last Friday) everything was exactly the same and I scheduled a D&C for Thursday.

I cried after the first u/s, and after that I tried to be optimistic but pretty much was expecting the worst. Yesterday I had the preadmission testing at the hospital for the D&C. I thought it was going to be just a blood draw, but they ended up asking me about my baby's remains -- if I wanted someone to say a blessing over them and if I would be calling a funeral home or would have the hospital take care of it. I cried and cried -- they left me alone in the room for a while, then came back and finished up. It was pretty awful.

I'm having cramping and some bleeding today -- it's not too heavy and not getting worse, yet. I'm pretty together it -- more worried about physical stuff and what to do about work and things like that.

I think once it's over I'll have more time to reflect and there will be more tears. One of my friends who's been through it said that her hormones were crazy afterward, and I'm sure that'll contribute to being emotional too.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you're going through this.

KimnBen · September 2011

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and the roller coaster ride you had to go though. I had something similar, measured small, funky betas and then ended up m/c. I did the whole spotting thing, then it got worse and I was in denial. I was still optimistic until the brown turned to red, then I knew it was over. I m/c on Saturday at 10 weeks, 5 days, even though my little peanut was measuring 7 weeks.

I do agree with you though that the "roller coaster" did prepare me emotionally and I feel I have an easier time of accepting it.

(((hugs))) honey, you've been through a lot.

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