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Attachment Parenting
shaindelr
member
Mac and cheese lover!
Another Judgy McJudgersons / WWYD? post...
shaindelr
member
Hey, All,
Sorry for adding yet another one of these posts, but I just wondered how you would handle this one.
My secretary is sort of "Judgy McJudgerson" sometimes. She asked what she should tell people if they ask to see me and I'm locked in my office pumping, and she did the whole, "How long are you going to breastfeed, anyway?" thing. So I told her about the World Health Organization guidelines, that I'll do it as long as it's right for us, and that sort of thing.
Then, later on, I said something about reading CNN on my phone while I nurse. (I just got a SmartPhone, so we were talking about it and what I do on it.) And she goes, "You STILL don't have a TV?"
This caused her to launch into a barrage of questions about parenting choices:
Aren't you going to get a TV so he can watch cartoons?
Will he be allowed to play videogames?
What about drinking pop and eating candy?
--
This is word-for-word. I'm not kidding. If this happens again, would you bother answering these questions? Would you explain your views or just do the "We're doing what's right for us" thing?
It's hard for me to know what to do because I like my secretary a lot, and I would consider us friends. I've been to social things at her house, and when I was leaving my crazy abusive ex, she even kept my dog for me for a whole month while I was waiting for my ex to get kicked out of my house, etc.
And I don't want to come across as a condescending a$$. I know she feels that a lot of the professors treat her like she's dumb because she's "just a secretary," and some of them do, and I don't want to be that person.
TIA!
Mac and cheese lover!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Another Judgy McJudgersons / WWYD? post...
If someone asked how long I'd planned to breastfeed, I'd have shrugged. that would be my response to any of the questions. ::shrugs::
I really dont' think she cares about your views. she's probably making conversation.
It depends on how much time you want to spend. I find myself giving teh "We'll cross that bridge when we get there"
I always fear if I start explaining things that people think it's open to debate.
Ditto on the shrugging. I usually do that or say "I dunno," then trail off- hah.
Also, not to sound rude, but if she is just a coworker and not also a friend then I would make sure she knows you're not seeking her opinion. You can always politely tell her that, while you appreciate her concern, you're not asking for parenting advice and would appreciate it if she could respect your wish to not be given any unsolicited criticism.
Aquarian Mommmy Blog
Uh, no. If I ever decide to get a TV he might watch a cartoon here and there but I wouldn't buy one for that purpose.
It's not something I plan to provide, but if he's at a friend's house when he's older I'm sure he'll have the opportunity.
I can't imagine he'll never have them, but that's not a part of our regular diet to begin with so it seems strange to bring them in just so he can have them.
But can children even grow up healthy without Spongebob and High Fructose Corn Syrup?????
I wish you luck. It is a tricky situation. I tend to get a bit defiant and tell people my view on things, but I haven't had to deal with it in a work environment yet. I start work soon (eek...LO will be 18mo) and we'll see how it goes when I'm getting special accommodations to nurse during training. (also, how cool is the company to give me no grief at needing to pump at 18mo??)
I've learned the hard way that the less-information-is-more approach is the way to go. Once you start explaining things, you just open yourself up to more involved questioning.
The BFing thing you can't avoid because she knows you're pumping. The TV/pop/candy thing is easy enough to shrug off with a "I'm just trying to get through one stage at a time," which, to a certain extent, is true. The video game thing won't be an issue at all for such a long time. Even if you know now that you don't want your child to play them, you're not going to be in a position to explain that your child has never heard of Super Mario Brothers (*insert modern video game name here*) for such a long time.
I just discovered the PERFECT response to rude questioning
Look confused and ask "why in the world would you want to know that?" also interchangeable with "why would you ask that?" "why do you want to know such a thing?" or "why would you be concerned with that?" looking innocent or confused, not snarky. It's disarming and forces the questioner into the hot seat. It also gives them pause to think twice about asking something that is none of their business
Can't wait to try it next time MIL asks "when are you going to wean/let her CIO/eat candy/watch tv/send her to daycare where kids belong?"
Hah hah. May I go off topic and say that you just let the world know that you (like me) are very uncool in terms of video game knowledge?
That works WONDERS! I rarely remember to use it. "Why would giving her milk from a different species be better?"
It can help them realize that they're being a bit nosey. It can also help them challenge their own biases and assumptions. Like terri.m said, "Why would I want to expose my child to SpongBob and give her high fructose corn syrup?"
I hate it when people talk down to their secretaries. That said, you are describing a work environment and she isn't a superior. Keep it professional and redirect into an appropriate convo. It will probably make her realize what she's doing. You don't owe her an explanation for anything and she's out of line for asking.
For example.
her: When are you going to stop breasfeeding?
you: I don't know. Hey, have you finished on that spreadsheet for Client X? I'd like to see it to review by lunch, if that's possible. Thanks!
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
Thanks so much, Everyone... My approach in the future will probably be closer to these:
Or I'll try the "Why do you ask that?" approach. Because of our relationship, I would never try to re-direct her to "work" or something like that. As a small, rural college, it's just not that type of work environment.
I hate to sound like I'm over-thinking this, but sometimes I think my secretary is trying to "figure me out." Like, how I grew up on a farm -- pretty much the same background she's from -- and became a professor. I think she's just trying to "feel out" why I do things differently than she does. That being said, she's a great person, and I don't want to shut down communication, but it was awkward when she was rapid-firing questions at me the other day.
Thanks again!
Mac and cheese lover!
Shaindel,
I sometimes think that when you do things a little different that what people are normally used to, they question it because they simply just don't get it. My DH questions a lot of things I do and I will retort back: "Can you explain to me how my way is totally wrong?" He knows when I ask that I will need facts & I will ask you for exact references. Since he can't provide me with anything good, he leaves it alone & I continue doing what works for me.
But I have found that questioning the questioner works wonders!
When people ask me how long I plan to breastfeed I just shrug and say until she self weans. I don't quote the WHO or the APA because that seems condescending. If they asked about candy or video games I would be like well she doesn't say Mama or dada yet so I have time before I have to figure this crap out.
As to TV she already gets to watch some, ZOMG! I have to say I don't normally get judged for my parenting choices and that may be because I don't wear it on my sleeve like a girl scout badge. When I pumped at work, I just locked my door, no announcement necessary.
The job title here is still: Academic Secretary
Mac and cheese lover!
This might be a work environment thing... If you're "in your office," you're supposed to be available to students, other faculty, etc. If your door is closed, people assume something is wrong.
Mac and cheese lover!
You're very lucky, then. When I pumped, I had to ask someone to leave his office (I didn't have my own office) and everyone at my workplace knew exactly what I was doing in there. And the people who sat right outside his office could hear the pump and were kind enough to remark on that fact to me.
If you work in a small office, chances are, your co-workers have some idea of what you're about, regardless of whether you're trying to announce your parenting choices to the world or not.
Thanks for this. Two professors had already asked the division secretary Why I was in my office with the door closed, so I just gave her the okay to let other faculty know what I'm doing when the door is closed. Otherwise, it looks like I'm avoiding students looking for help or academic advising. Pretty much, if I had my office door closed and didn't have a reason, I could be in trouble.
And my pump is on the other side of the wall right behind the couch where students wait to see professors. Nice, huh? I at least turn my music up when I'm pumping. I have no idea if it helps or not, but it makes me feel better.
Mac and cheese lover!
But can children even grow up healthy without Spongebob and High Fructose Corn Syrup?????
Its funny that you bring up SpongeBob, my mom was telling me just the other day that she saw something on the news about how damaging SB is to children in between learning/ productive activities. Something about the show being so overstimulating that it ends up being destructive... I just thought it was interesting. I too do not have cable (we have a TV for movies) and have thought about the cartoon thing.