SO cheating?

vmm0016 · September 2011

I would kick him out but I think you already know that.

ANJ410 · September 2011

ella.mabel:
ashnoelle:

emiliemadison:
If you dont mind me asking...why is he your "SO" and not your FI or your DH?

We've only been together 2.5 years. DD came along really early.

Also, as far as I'm concerned, we can't afford to get married. Regardless of how much we would spend or not spend on a wedding, he has jacked up credit and I can't marry that. We'd be in a cardboard box. Everything has to be in my name that requires a credit check.

1) Track record of cheating

2) Jacked up credit

Girl, where is your self esteem? In the infamous words of Vanilla Ice... Drop that zero and get with a hero.

ROTFLMAO!!

Seriously though, I would dig a little deeper into this. Not sure what your SO does for a living, but my husband works in a very corporate field and in the 12 years we have been together he has never ever invited any of the women he's worked with to our house or even hung ot with them alone outside of work. A few co workers sent baby gifts home with him when we had our kids, but that was it. Also, why did this co-worker wait until your LO was a toddler to come to see the baby???? Most people come to see newborns. It's definitely a strange scenerio....

LSzwaya · September 2011

emiliemadison:
ashnoelle:
ugh. I'm trying to keep the panicky feeling at bay. He has such a bad track record of cheating. He swears he's reformed. We moved past it the first time, but I couldn't forgive that a second time.
Must keep my cool.
Uh oh. A TRACK RECORD of cheating? I assume that doesnt mean "just this one time when we first started dating and I was drunk".
You moved past it the first time (that you caught him), so obviously he thinks that either you wont find out about it again or if you do, you'll get past it again.
He swears he's reformed because what is he supposed to say? "Hey, I hate to tell you this, but I'm pretty likely going to cheat on you again."

ITA. I am sorry OP but I would totally be worried about this if this situation happened to me. It kind of seems like your DH was trying to do damage control. No matter how "prudish" your mom can be, you have to think she loves and wants to protect you so she probably wouldn't jump to conclusions unless the feeling in her gut was pretty strong.

k.linn · September 2011

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm with everyone else--this situation is completely shady. I can never imagine any kind of scenario where DH would be entertaining a female alone in our house, and certainly not without mentioning it to me. And if he's cheated before, repeatedly (though I understand not repeatedly on you), well. . . . These are not good signs.

PrincessFiona9 · September 2011

If his exGF's never knew he was cheating on them, I'm sorry to say, but you're in the same place.

He has probably been having a thing with this woman for a while, and she's now coming to your house to see him because she doesn't work with him anymore.

Like PPs said, 2.5 years is not a long time. EX is 27 and he still acts the same douchey way he did at 18, 21, 24 etc. So 28 is not that old. Men are douches at any age. And you need to get rid of the losahhh. Kick him out and get a roommate or worse case scenario see about staying with your mom temporarily. Obviously she loves you and has your best interests at heart.

ANJ410 · September 2011

Just thinking about this some more and putting myself in the shoes of the woman on the other end of this.....and I would NEVER EVER go to the home of a male coworker without his wife being home, even if it was to see his baby. NEVER. That is just inapporpriate and uncomfortable on so many levels.

Incidentally, did your mom say if this co-worker came with a baby gift? Because I don't know of anyone who would go to someone's house to "meet" their baby and not bring a gift.

So, I think your answer about her true intentions is pretty obvious.

amykins1283 · September 2011

Read Flag #1: The woman was already there when your mom arrived early. She was alone in your home with your SO.

Red Flag #2: Both parties involved were acting guilty/shady.

Red Flag #3: You were not informed that this woman was going to be in your house. Secrets are never good.

Red Flag #4: Your SO completely went off on your mom for suggesting that he may be cheating. An over the top reaction signals guilty feelings.

Add all this to the fact that he has a history or cheating and, I'm sorry, but the dude is up to no good. I would start getting my affairs in order and start looking into getting out.

LDQAM516 · September 2011

Wow...my husband is an honest and faithful man and would never put himself in a situation like this...the fact that your SO did raises a ton of red flags...especially with a track record. It's one thing if you already knew this woman or if she was friends of yours as a couple...but the fact that you have "only heard" about her...yikes...I would be drilling him with some serious questions.

yourmysunshine · September 2011

Is this MUD?!?! I mean seriously... how old are you? You can't marry him but you can have a child with him... He has a track record of cheating but wouldn't cheat on you bc you're awesome..... ummmm....

12bailey18 · September 2011

Why would she be so eager to "meet the baby?" First of all, she's a toddler and who cares if she hasn't met her yet. It's not like she's a few days old and is coming over with a baby gift. Sounds like they're using your DD as an excuse for her to come over or as a cover-up, which would infuriate me.

Pier1girl · September 2011

I think the thing that bothers me most about this whole situation is that IF they were in fact doing something they shouldn't, where was your DD? Where was she when they were playing video games?

EDIT: Just re-read... I missed the part that said she was napping. Hopefully she really was napping... I find this whole thing very shady. Sorry.

Kingston54 · September 2011

If you're not worried then I'd just ignore your mom's overreaction.

selby.nippert · September 2011

MUD?

Amberzxoxo · September 2011

Had that of been my mom she would have brought my packed bags to work and informed me that I would now be living with her and that Dh is sporting a shiner. So I do not believe your mom over reacted. The fact of the matter is SO had a woman over at your home without your knowledge whom he was nursing back to health from a hangover. Shady shady behavior. I'm sorry your in this predicament but now is the time you show DD how a woman is treated properly and kick his ass to the curb until he shows you respect and proves one way or another what the truth is.

Hudson_Hawk · September 2011

While your relationship with your mom might have issues, if she's involved in your life then she loves you and wants what's best for you. I would trust her on this as she has your best interest at heart whereas he's possibly only looking out for himself.

ashnoelle · September 2011

First of all, no not MUD. I "disappeared" because I left work just after 5 and we don't have internet set up at the new apartment yet. You'd think in a complex this big someone would leave their wireless without a password, but nope. I realize my first post was a little disorganized, but I hope given the circumstances, that is understandable.

I really want to believe him. I really do. His overreaction seems sketch to me too. His story was that mom hit a nerve when she said "what if you walked in on your dad and some other woman sitting in the floor playing video games." He says he got angry when she said that because he had had suspicions that his dad was cheating on his mom while she was dying with cancer... He told me this after work yesterday. I still don't see that as an excuse for flying off on my mom though.

I do have trouble trusting him. I have since he cheated when we first started dating. I thought maybe counseling could help that as there wasn't any evidence that I needed to be concerned.

Oh, and while he isn't in a good place by any means, he has improved from where he was 2.5 years ago.

Okay, I know I haven't addressed everything here. I was to drained to talk about it for long last night. I told him no female visitors without prior approval. He said okay.

Oh one more thing. This ex-coworker is just a college kid. Not that that means she isn't a "threat." But it is more understandable for her not to think about boundaries. Or at least I think so. I'm sure I wouldn't have understood why this would be a big deal when I still in college.

Also the whole "I'm amazing" thing. Just for clarification, I was directly quoting SO, not just flattering myself. lol.

ashnoelle · September 2011

And thanks for your responses everyone. I'm not sure what to do still, but I have some thinking (and acting) to do.

macchiatto · September 2011

IMO your mom didn't overreact at all. That whole situation was very shady and inappropriate. I totally agree with emiliemadison's advice. I'm sorry; this has to be tough, but there are major red flags all over your SO.

testtubebaby · September 2011

ashnoelle:

First of all, no not MUD. I "disappeared" because I left work just after 5 and we don't have internet set up at the new apartment yet. You'd think in a complex this big someone would leave their wireless without a password, but nope. I realize my first post was a little disorganized, but I hope given the circumstances, that is understandable.

I really want to believe him. I really do. His overreaction seems sketch to me too. His story was that mom hit a nerve when she said "what if you walked in on your dad and some other woman sitting in the floor playing video games." He says he got angry when she said that because he had had suspicions that his dad was cheating on his mom while she was dying with cancer... He told me this after work yesterday. I still don't see that as an excuse for flying off on my mom though.

I do have trouble trusting him. I have since he cheated when we first started dating. I thought maybe counseling could help that as there wasn't any evidence that I needed to be concerned.

Oh, and while he isn't in a good place by any means, he has improved from where he was 2.5 years ago.

Okay, I know I haven't addressed everything here. I was to drained to talk about it for long last night. I told him no female visitors without prior approval. He said okay.

Oh one more thing. This ex-coworker is just a college kid. Not that that means she isn't a "threat." But it is more understandable for her not to think about boundaries. Or at least I think so. I'm sure I wouldn't have understood why this would be a big deal when I still in college.

Also the whole "I'm amazing" thing. Just for clarification, I was directly quoting SO, not just flattering myself. lol.

i haven't commented on any of this yet but first, i don't think inviting this girl over so you can feel her out is a good idea because if you do suspect something, then what? confront him? he'll just deny it, it'll get you nowhere. you need hardcore proof to confront him. i say set up some cameras like someone else said, and in the meantime pretend like you trust and believe him. and this way, if by some miracle he isn't cheating, then you won't look like the psycho either that doesn't trust him. i believe in giving people enough rope to hang themselves. also, are you really sure that you would want to try counseling? you two aren't even engaged yet, i say run in the other direction!! you aren't going to change a serial cheater. and just because this girl is a college girl doesn't mean anything. it's more appeal to him, to be honest! most serial cheaters love the thrill of cheating and this would be the ultimate thrill. whether she has boundaries or not, your so should know better and create some for her. would you have even known that she came over had your mom not went there early? it also makes me wonder if your children know her better than you think they do.

HisRuca · September 2011

I completely understand the difference of cheating in a new relationship (as he did) and then staying faithful once it got more serious and you had a child together-so I don't think it's always "once a cheater, always a cheater".

However, even having this girl over is extremely suspect. Why is he even still in touch with her? I've worked in the restaurant industry and it's not often that a) the front of house and back of house employees are "just hanging out" friends and that b) you keep in touch with each other once one is no longer employed at the establishment. In fact, most of the places I worked at, the males and females never really hung out one-on-one with each other unless something was going on.

At any rate, I would be hyper aware for a bit. If you haven't forgiven/gotten over the cheating issue from 2 years ago, counseling, at least for you, is a good idea. You need to trust and you don't, possibly for good reason.

It sounds like your mom is pretty involved, so I'm sure you're family will help out if you need to leave him. He has a job as a cook, no car, and no ambition. You can't really hurt too bad financially w/o him. I see you just moved, but leases can be broken.

Good luck, the situation is sucky no matter what.

haleymay18 · September 2011

I haven't read most of the responses here (because 3 pages is too much!)

But that seems shady as helll.

rlbpgc · September 2011

I think an important question you need to ask yourself is, do you think he would have told you about the ex-coworker stopping by if your mom didn't catch them together playing video games?

sucrets4 · September 2011

I don't think anyone said this, but I only read the first 2 pages so I apologize if it's already been brought up.

Why would he invite someone over to meet a sleeping child? At this age, aren't kids pretty predictable when they nap? That alone sounds fishy to me, nevermind everything else.

Lyssapee · September 2011

NativeNyer:

He says mom was there extra early and surprised him.

What time does she usually get there?

An ex-coworker (recently fired) came over to meet DD since she hadn't met her yet.

Have you ever met this co-worker? I find this odd that she would want to meet your DD but hasn't met you yet? why not come and visit when you're all there?

Since DD was sleeping and coworker had a hangover SO made some tea. They apparently decided to play Halo until DD woke up.

Why would a co-worker come to anyone's house with a hangover? Sorry but this wouldn't sit well with me. This is not appropriate.

Basically the main difference is that SO acted guilty and kept going from room to room seeming flustered by her being there. Supposedly the coworker also "acted guilty." Sorry but why would your mother lie about something like this?

ALL of this!

IMO even if they are just friends and playing video games it's not approiate for her to be there when you are not. Just out of respect for your spouse I don't think that you should be beind closed doors with someone of the opposite sex that isn't blood related.

BamBam510 · September 2011

emiliemadison:
ashnoelle:

emiliemadison:
If you dont mind me asking...why is he your "SO" and not your FI or your DH?

We've only been together 2.5 years. DD came along really early.

Also, as far as I'm concerned, we can't afford to get married. Regardless of how much we would spend or not spend on a wedding, he has jacked up credit and I can't marry that. We'd be in a cardboard box. Everything has to be in my name that requires a credit check.

Everything CAN be in your name even if you're married. His credit does not become your credit once you marry him. I assume you're already living together, sharing expenses, etc. That wouldnt have to change at all. A courthouse wedding would only cost as much as the license fee and the court fee.

And I"m sorry, but WHAT? You "can't marry that", but you can have a child with that? Listen, this may be harsh, but either you're in serious denial, or you already know that you dont want to be with him and you dont know what to do about it.

Personally, I think you've been very wise to this point NOT to marry him.But now you have to make a decision: You can't trust him with money OR with your heart. What are you going to do?

In many states it does, in WI if your spouse has crappy credit and you haev excellent credit, you're not going to get a loan. Their debt is your debt. Its called Marital Property

charmgal · September 2011

28 years old with no apparent ambition. Only 3 credits away from a college degree but can't pull the trigger and finish it. Sits around playing Halo in his spare time. Has a DUI that he ignored for a long time. Has jacked up credit. Is a serial cheater. Gets caught with a "college girl" in the house without your knowledge. Gives lame excuse (she wanted to see the baby--who isn't a baby anymore).

I don't think you need anyone to tell you this is a situation you need to get out of. Just because you have a child with someone doesn't mean you have to put up with this nonsense.

And I'm sorry, youth and cheating have nothing to do with one another. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

BellaAmor215 · September 2011

Is this the first time your mom came early? Because there's a chance it's not the first time she was over, even though this is the first time your mom saw it. I would never go to any man's house without my husband, or without his wife home, and most def. I would never be happy with a woman over at my house when I am not home, and meeting MY baby before she has met me. I am so sorry, but your instinct is probably correct. There are lots of red flags in this post!

ETA: Baby was napping... so why didn't SO tell her baby was napping and it wasn't a good time? Or was she there long enough to see the baby before nap? I dunno, all seems fishy, and it seems he is a good cheater bc he can get his GF's to believe anything he says.

BellaAmor215 · September 2011

ashnoelle:
Oh one more thing. This ex-coworker is just a college kid. Not that that means she isn't a "threat." But it is more understandable for her not to think about boundaries. Or at least I think so. I'm sure I wouldn't have understood why this would be a big deal when I still in college.

I am a "college kid". I am a young mom, and also when I was EVEN YOUNGER I knew my boundaries. You seem to be making lots of excuses for both of them, but there is a reason you posted this here... obviously you are thinking more into this than you are stating. I know a few "college kids", one in particular, who think it's cool to date older guys with wives (I am aware you and SO aren't married, but it doesn't make it any different.) They know very well what they are doing and don't care. Girl's are Biitches, and men are dogs! I hope for the best, and I really hope you don't let this go lightly. Even if he's not cheating, don't let him think it's ok to hang with girls at your house alone, because once a cheater, always a cheater... he will find ways to hide it and get away with it. Sorry to be harsh, but I have seen it first hand. Good luck!

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