- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
nomadica
member
WWYD re: having another child
nomadica
member
I'm completing obsessing about what to do, and I have baby fever. But there are a number of very valid reasons for us not to have another child. I'm wondering what others think that they would do in my situation. Keep in mind that DS has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, and while his symptoms are quite mild, he's involved in tons of therapy and we don't know what the future holds. Here are my pros and cons:
Reasons NOT to have another child:
1. We are at fairly high risk of having another child on the autism spectrum, with no guarantee that the next would be as mild as DS. I don't know if I could handle two special needs children.
2. Even if the next LO were typically-developing, I'm not sure if it would be fair to take away attention for DS, with his special needs.
3. I'm also not sure if it's fair to the next child, to have to pay so much attention and effort into his/her older brother.
4. DH works a lot and really doesn't help out as much as he should. So, in addition to working three 11 hour days plus an 8 hour/week part-time job from home, I do 95% of the childcare and housework. I'm often exhausted. I have every reason to think that the majority of the care for the next LO would also fall to me.
5. Finances. We can afford another child but we have student loan debt and even some credit card debt, so we'd be a lot slower in paying that off. Plus we would be more likely be able to afford more care for DS in the long term if needed if we didn't have another child.
6. DH and I love each other a ton, but our marriage has been a bit rocky since having DS. I think the added stress of another LO would worsen that, at least in the short term.
Reasons to have another child:
1. I really want one, and feel desperately sad at the thought of not having one. DH also wants one (we always said we'd have 2).
2. I feel devastated at the thought of DS not having a sibling. I feel like he would be lonely without one. DS may well have a lot of difficulty making friends as he gets older, so having a sibling may be really important social contact. Also, I've read that children with autism are often helped by learning social cues from their siblings.
Those are my current thoughts. I know that the con list is a lot longer, and the practical side of me is saying not to have another LO. But the emotional side is revolting.
WWYD?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWYD re: having another child
Do you have time to wait it out a bit? See just how much care your first will need?
Also I'd address number 4 and 6 before even considering adding another LO.
hmmm.. well I'll tell you what DH and I have discussed we would do if we had a special needs child. We talked about it when we were pregnant with DD and again with this one - if we have a child who's special needs, we would want to have at least two other children. That way, when we die (and you'll die too - no one lives forever), the care of LO won't fall completely on the shoulders of one sibling. There would be two of them to share in the decision-making, the stress, but also the joy.
My 2 cents.
Obviously, I don't have a LO with special needs so take it for what it's worth.
Eleanor Noelle - 18/05/12 Claire Elisabeth - 16/-5/10
Well, I'm in the same boat, only it's #3 and I don't have baby fever yet.
We had DD2 before we knew DD1 was on the spectrum, and she's 100% typical and bright. I'm glad we didn't know, because I would've been worried sick my whole pregnancy and her baby/toddlerhood, even more than I did once we got DD1's dx.
DD2 is the best thing we could've done for DD1, IMO. She learns so much about how to treat people and care about them from DD2, they love each other, and DD2 wants to be just like her big sister. DD2 is a gift to us, too -- having a typical child is amazing and something I will never, ever take for granted.
I think, unless you have the money and inclination to adopt (which is not foolproof -- I know one family who adopted a boy who ended up having ASD), or to do ART in ways that might reduce your chances (like select for a girl, or do donor eggs or sperm -- none of which we are willing to do), you have another when you can make peace with the possibility of having another child on the spectrum. One who might be worse off than your DS and need 24/7 care for the rest of his/her life.
Other people accept that risk every time they get pregnant, but most people don't really think about it unless they already know that they or their DH is a carrier for some kind of genetic disorder. You and I already know that with ASD, the odds are higher of us having another child with it. We don't get to be blissfully ignorant from here on out.
I'm have extremely mixed feelings right now about whether I can accept that risk, even though I know our odds are very good that we'd have another typical child. But until I think I can make peace with the worst case scenario, and DH can, too, we will not have another.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
all of your reasons for NOT wanting a 2nd lo dwarf the reasons to have another.
I agree with this!
The only things on the con list that I would worry about are 4, 5, and especially 6. I absolutely would plan on having another child. If you are worried about the risk of autism, consider adoption (although, of course an adopted child could have their own issues). Either way, I would still have another child since that is what you want.
Regarding #4, I would wait until you are in a position to work less or afford to pay for some help around the house. If you are already exhausted, something will have to change if you add another child to the mix. You can't just get pregnant and hope that your DH will change (because he likely won't), so I think it's best to reduce your work load or hire help.
Regarding #5, I personally don't worry about student loan debt. I'll be paying that off for 30 years, and it's at a low enough interest rate that I'm okay with that. With the credit card debt, it just depends on how much we're talking about. If it's something like $3,000 and you can easily afford to pay more than the minimum to work toward paying it off even after having a baby, I wouldn't let this worry me. If it's more and it would take a lot of time to pay off if you had another child, I'd work on paying down the debt before adding to your family.
Regarding #6, this would be my biggest concern. Work on rebuilding your relationship with your DH. When you guys are in a good place again, then think about TTC #2.
For what its worth, I am an instructional therapist for I have a client who is the youngest of 3 kids (each 22 months apart in age) that are all on the spectrum. Their dad has aspergers so their risk was high though. Anyway, all of the kids have had therapy, two have graduated and do not even need EA's in school anymore, and none of the kids have been disadvantaged because of their siblings. The oldest is 9 and has been without therapy for a couple years now. All these children were quite high on the spectrum, not mild cases at all.
I also have clients who are the only sibling on the spectrum.... you really do take your chances, but if you want more children, autism is so treatable now if you catch it early, and most children will grow to be fully functioning pre-teens, long before they grow up!
As for your number 3 reason to not have another chilc - wanted to let you know that I am one of two children and my sister has a physical disability. Ive spent all my life helping my sister and helping my parents with her. I love her and do not resent her or my parents because I didn't get as much attention as she did when we were younger. I know what its like to have a sibling without special needs and I think have more patience and understanding and am a better person because of her. So my advice for you is maybe wait a little longer to have another child but decide not to because your family has been touched with special needs.
What are your husband's thoughts about having another child? I think that's an important thing I haven't seen mentioned (or maybe I missed it). He is part of the decision, too.
It sounds like your main reasons for wanting another child are just that you WANT one. Right now, you need to get your relationship with DH in order. You pulling the vast majority of the child rearing, even though you work as well, is not okay. Especially when you have a child with above average needs. Having a rocky relationship with your DH is also not okay- having another child is not the solution. It is not fair to your current child, a future child, yourself and DH to not work on your marriage first.
If you are in a significant amount of debt (you didn't say how much), having another child immediately is also a poor financial decision.