How do you get your toddler to apologize?

twirler324 · September 2011

We are having a really hard time getting DD to say "sorry" when she does something- example- steps on my foot, spills her dinner plate on the floor, etc. If something is an accident, that is totally fine- it happens. But when we ask her to say sorry, she just looks at us. I think she is upset with herself for doing these things, because she just looks down. I don't want her to be upset with herself. But we are having a hard time teaching her about what an "accident" is...

Any suggestions? Thank you!

ETA: Am I expecting too much for this age?

jenn_darrin1515 · September 2011

we only have dds say "sorry" when they hurt someone...i.e. hitting/biting/hair pulling/pushing (after a time out)...we haven't graduated to using it for accidents yet...I hadn't even thought about it...hmm.

2-Step · September 2011

Right now we are just focusing on getting him to say sorry when he has done something wrong intentionally or hurts someone. We explain to him that that we know he didn't mean to step on mommy's foot, but when you hurt someone you always say you are sorry to make that person feel better.

If he accidentally spills his plate or something that doesn't hurt anyone else then I don't make him say he is sorry. He usually feels bad about it anyway. He does have to help clean up whatever he spilled, but I like to save sorry for things that I feel the person deserves an apology for. I don't feel like I deserve and apology if he accidentally spills his plate, especially if he helps clean it up. It was an accident and he doesn't need to feel bad or be sorry for that. For instance, I wouldnt tell DH I am sorry if I spilled my plate, I would just clean it up, so that doesn't really make sense to me in a scenario like that.

brewcitybride · September 2011

repetition, repetition, repetition. evenually, she will start saying "sorry" without you prompting her. also, make sure you yourself say it when applicable. Kids learn from hearing what their parents do!

twirler324 · September 2011

Good points, thank you!! I will start with intentional hurting, though she hasn't done anything intentionally that I know of...yet! :-)

twirler324 · September 2011

2-Step:

Right now we are just focusing on getting him to say sorry when he has done something wrong intentionally or hurts someone. We explain to him that that we know he didn't mean to step on mommy's foot, but when you hurt someone you always say you are sorry to make that person feel better.

If he accidentally spills his plate or something that doesn't hurt anyone else then I don't make him say he is sorry. He usually feels bad about it anyway. He does have to help clean up whatever he spilled, but I like to save sorry for things that I feel the person deserves an apology for. I don't feel like I deserve and apology if he accidentally spills his plate, especially if he helps clean it up. It was an accident and he doesn't need to feel bad or be sorry for that. For instance, I wouldnt tell DH I am sorry if I spilled my plate, I would just clean it up, so that doesn't really make sense to me in a scenario like that.

I guess this is part of the problem as well- she refuses to help us clean it up. In that case DH wanted to put her in time out, but I wasn't sure she would understand why we were putting her there- for accidently spilling, or for not helping to clean up... Ideas??

KathrynMD · September 2011

Just repeat, repeat, repeat and model, model, model. If you and DH do something w/ each other, make a big deal of apologizing and saying - oh, that's OK, thanks for saying sorry, it made me feel better. And, talk about how everybody has accident but its nice to say you're sorry. You can't force it, but encourage it.

If DD won't help clean up, again, you can't force her and I wouldn't really punish her not helping, but say "oh, OK, well then I guess its too much for you to carry" something like that.

twirler324 · September 2011

KathrynMD:

Just repeat, repeat, repeat and model, model, model. If you and DH do something w/ each other, make a big deal of apologizing and saying - oh, that's OK, thanks for saying sorry, it made me feel better. And, talk about how everybody has accident but its nice to say you're sorry. You can't force it, but encourage it.

If DD won't help clean up, again, you can't force her and I wouldn't really punish her not helping, but say "oh, OK, well then I guess its too much for you to carry" something like that.

Thank you for the advice! It's been a tough week for DD!!

2-Step · September 2011

twirler324:
2-Step:

Right now we are just focusing on getting him to say sorry when he has done something wrong intentionally or hurts someone. We explain to him that that we know he didn't mean to step on mommy's foot, but when you hurt someone you always say you are sorry to make that person feel better.

If he accidentally spills his plate or something that doesn't hurt anyone else then I don't make him say he is sorry. He usually feels bad about it anyway. He does have to help clean up whatever he spilled, but I like to save sorry for things that I feel the person deserves an apology for. I don't feel like I deserve and apology if he accidentally spills his plate, especially if he helps clean it up. It was an accident and he doesn't need to feel bad or be sorry for that. For instance, I wouldnt tell DH I am sorry if I spilled my plate, I would just clean it up, so that doesn't really make sense to me in a scenario like that.

I guess this is part of the problem as well- she refuses to help us clean it up. In that case DH wanted to put her in time out, but I wasn't sure she would understand why we were putting her there- for accidently spilling, or for not helping to clean up... Ideas??

We try to get him to help but if he can't or won't then we tell him he needs to ask nicely if mommy or daddy will help him by cleaning it up. He needs to use please and then thank you if we do it. We dont make a big deal out of it, just say -oops you spilled can you help mommy clean it up please? If he refuses then we say - maybe daddy will clean it up for you if you ask nicely. Then we ask him to thank whoever cleaned it up and always comment on how nice that was of that person for helping when they didn't have to.

Sometimes that person even gets a treat or a hug for helping him. Like pper said its modeling behavoir. If DH cleans it up and DS is ignoring us I usually give DH a big hug and say - thank you for helping clean up, you are such a big helper and sometimes ask him if he wants a special treat for being so good and DH plays along saying he is so happy he helped so he could get a hug or a treat! DS usually then wants to be involved and tends to remember it the next time and is proud of himself. Of course this doesn't always work, its constantly modeling behavoir and repitition, but it seems to at least make him think about it because he sees how we act.

If he throws food on purpose he gets one chance to pick it up and if he doesn't goes straight to time out. He rarely does that anymore because he knows the consequenses.

stever · September 2011

brewcitybride:
repetition, repetition, repetition. evenually, she will start saying "sorry" without you prompting her. also, make sure you yourself say it when applicable. Kids learn from hearing what their parents do!

This.

DS is getting to be pretty good about saying sorry but only because we ask him to say sorry everytime he's mean to the cat or another kid. He's slowly starting to get used to saying it when accidents occur too.

KathrynMD · September 2011

I will say its pretty exciting when your kid apologizes on their own.

NewFamily09 · September 2011

Do you model it? When you bump into DH or do something by accident yourself, do you apologize? Maybe she doesn't understand because she doesn't see you doing it? Or maybe you do it but you're not making it obvious.

jesssy1204 · September 2011

When DS hurts us is when we really get on him for saying sorry. It took time but he has it down know.. He didnt say it for a long time, he would do they same thing look down and you can tell he was upset. We just made a point to tell him to say sorry and told him why.. I think after all the times hearing it it clicked. GL

crzygirl · September 2011

I tell my child what I want her to say and then she repeats it back to me. If its sorry, then I tell her to say, "Mama, I am sorry for spilling my milk. Will you please help me clean it up?" She will repeat it right back to me. After two years of doing this, she knows what is expected of her. Sometimes she stumbles when I make it two or three sentences but she improves all the time and I add complexitiy.

If she is asking for milk in the morning and says "Milk please" then I tell her in a full sentence to repeat, "Mama, May I please have some milk?" When she says the full sentence, she recieves the item she requested.

hero · September 2011

Apologizing or saying sorry is almost the same as saying please or thank you. At her age, it really doesn't mean anything to her. Modeling the behavior for her is great. Expecting her to understand it and apply it before it really is developmentally appropriate is not. Talk to her about her feelings when you can tell that she feels bad about her behavior so she will be able to actually learn empathy and really mean "sorry" when she says it.

RHitch · September 2011

brewcitybride:
repetition, repetition, repetition. evenually, she will start saying "sorry" without you prompting her. also, make sure you yourself say it when applicable. Kids learn from hearing what their parents do!

This. Your DC will pick up on it quickly when you do it and stay on him/her about doing it.

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