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Secondary IF
on "heartbreak"
I've been thinking a lot lately about what heartbreak means. I remember when my dad died when I was 23, telling my mom, I felt like I could actually feel my heart breaking.
And with the recent passing of the 9/11 anniversary and my involvement for the 6 weeks prior in working on some amazingly wrenching music with which we'd commemorate it, I thought every day about the heartbreak of those families that lost moms, dads, kids, grandparents, brothers, sisters, friends.
Then on Monday, I went to visit a friend in the hospital, she had a 2 day old baby, and I was one of the few that got the call to get to visit in the hospital. The heartbreak there? not for me and my 2IF. For her. 2 years ago tomorrow, she delivered her son at 23 weeks and he died after an hour. They healed enough to get pg again as soon as they decided to try, but it's been a journey for them. Now, she alternates between unbridled joy at her newborn girl. And despair at how much she looks like her brother.
Later in the day on Monday, I found out that a dear friend of mine has stage 3 breast cancer. She's 39. She has a 7 year old. Not flucking fair. At all. And to think, I was so looking forward to spending this weekend with her and her DH and DS at a cabin on a lake, because she had been through the ringer more than anyone I can imagine to get her DS, and they had come to terms with being happy with just one kiddo. In July, about a week before her Dx, she told me she always thought it must have happened this way for a reason. Well, #$%$#. Then better damn well not be the reason, so she only has to leave one child behind and he'll be old enough to remember her. No.
We all go through our own heartbreak here every month, to be sure. And no one can say when someone else's heartbreak is deserving. If you feel it, you feel it. I got really upset earlier this week when luckymom described herself as heartbroken after an early test and bfn. It wasn't fair of me to be so mad, but I was. I'm sorry, luckymom. It wasn't fair of me to judge. I was mad because I felt like it was flippant, give you still had a great chance of a great result. But it was your genuine feeling and you deserved to be able to say it in a safe place.
Anyway, I'm sick of effing heartbreak. And sick of feeling sorry for myself. That is all.
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Re: on "heartbreak"
((hugs)). I've been throwing myself a 6 month pity party and I am sick of it too. I tell myself I will stop and be happy for the amazing things I do have but then I sink into the "heartbreak" hole again.
My issues are so small compared to some. I have a healthy and happy son. I have a healthy and fairly happy husband. I am healthy. We have a safe home and most of the time a full fridge.
Heartbreak and sadness doesn't have a definitive weight. When you try to value it when you are in the depths of it's grasp you can't. It's only when you can step back and look at it that you can put a value to it. On a scale of 1 - 10 when I first found out this pregnancy was gone my value was a 8-9. I was "heartbroken" and it lasted a few days.
Now that's it's over and I can take a step back it's a 2-3. Maybe even as small as a 1. I have everything that matters in this life. I really need to try to keep saying that to myself every moment I can because although it's hard to see it sometimes, it's true.
Sorry about your friend, that is awful
You are right that pain is pain, and if you feel it, you feel it. Coming here and expressing yourself is a great way to cope with the pain that you may feel, and you are also right in saying that this is a safe place were no one judges the validity of that pain. That being said, I think it's ok to remind yourself of all that you have, and of those who suffer so much more. Often I find that my pain is nothing compared to the pain of so many others, which stops me from wallowing. It is good to feel gratitude for our blessings and to cherish each day we've been granted. None of us knows when things might get worse, or be taken away altogether. If we focus on what we do have, though easier said than done, it becomes much easier to cope with feelings of pain and loss over what we don't have. And that makes for good living and good mental health!
Take care of yourself Jen. If you need to express negative feelings as a way to process what you are going through, you know this is a safe place with people who care and will listen without judging. Sending T&Ps your way.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Miracle DD born 12.2005
TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
***P/SAIF Always Welcome***
Keep it Natural, Baby!
I am new here, so please excuse my response if you think it is not my place, but each of you responded in ways that echo my own feelings regarding heartbreak. These past 15 months year I have experienced multiple heartbreaks, varying in degrees of trauma: miscarriage, secondary infertility diagnosis, almost losing my father to an aneurysm that caused a brain hemorrhage and the repercussions, my own diagnosis of an aneurysm, and lastly- so many cd 1s over and over again.
Heartbreak is relative, and often arbitrary. Then the saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," pisses me off even more. No, what doesn't kill you now kills part of you inside, whether it's permanent or temporary.
If it hurts, it's legit, no matter what else anyone seems to think quantifies heartbreak. For those of us who go through SIF, we experience the heartbreak in our own unique way, with people telling us we should be grateful for the child we already have- as though we are not already! I feel heartbroken quite often, but I don't yet feel sorry myself all of the time. And you are so true... I am sick of feeling this way too.
Thanks for posting that... it helped sort out some feelings and thoughts