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Pre-School and Daycare
3yo not paying attention - should I be worried?
Please share your perspective or experiences with your own preschoolers.
My 3yo DD is in her second week back at preschool. Last year, she went T/Th and this year is MWF. Prior to that, she had been home with a nanny.
Today, when the nanny picked her up, the teacher mentioned that she is not listening and that she will be sending me a note to discuss. From what the nanny has explained, the problem is that when the rest of the group was doing an activity, my DD was off doing her own thing and she ignored the teacher whenever she was told to return to the group. She did the same sort of thing during her summer indoor soccer league and she was the same way at her first dance class last week - the rest of the kids were chasing the ball or following the dance teacher's movements, but my DD was wandering around the soccer field and dancing to her own tune. And in both cases she was pretty much the only one doing that.
I realize you don't know my DD or my family, but in general - would you consider this just a sign that we are not providing enough discipline and structure at home, or would you be concerned about a bigger problem such as ADHD or autism? My DH immediately started worrying about autism when I told him about this. While I tend to think it is my fault for not teaching her to pay attention, I don't want to be blind if this really is an indicator of a problem. Has anyone else dealt with this routinely with their preschooler?
TIA for any input!
Eleanor Paige, born 3/27/08
Noah Christopher, born 10/2/10
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 3yo not paying attention - should I be worried?
does she pay attention when its somethng she wants to do?
maybe she's getting too much instruction and she just wants to wander around?
maybe structured activities aren't her "thing"
Just to answer some of the questions; she does have similar issues with us at home. Meaning I will tell her to get her shoes on, come to the table for dinner, head to the car to leave, etc., and often have to repeat myself several times and in many cases I just go and get her. It is hard to get her attention, but I have always thought that was just a 3 year old "thing." I chatted with our nanny about this just a few minutes ago and she suggested that we all might practice listening at home; for example, if we tell her to get her shoes on, instead of repeating it a few times then just going and putting them on her when she ignores us, we need to make her pay attention and do as she is asked. I think she's probably right, although I'm definitely not looking forward to the constant battles that are going to ensue.
The only activities she has right now are school 3 days a week from 9-2 and dance class for 30 min one day a week. She did soccer in the summer 2 days a week but there was no school at that time. The rest of the time she is with the nanny, me, or DH and pretty much sets her own activities, so I do think she gets plenty of free play time. I have definitely wondered if maybe she just isn't quite ready for structured "classes" and activities. We did the soccer in the summer so she'd have at least one activity with other kids, but she didn't seem to be getting into it and that was why we thought we'd try dance instead. We are only committed for a month so if it doesn't improve we probably won't sign up again and maybe will wait till next year to try something else.
My daughter went through a simliar phase last year, probably at the same age your daughter is now. We got a note from her teacher and talked to the Daycare Director about it. She didn't feel that it rose above the level of "she's 3" but we tried to work on it anyway. We read 1-2-3 Magic, which was helpful in a lot of ways, but not very helpful for "start" behaviors like put on your shoes or brush your teeth. So we mostly just talked about putting on your "listening ears." Complete with pretending to put ears on! And praised her whenever she listened. I'd love to say that it was very effective, but honestly, I think she just outgrew it.
It was upsetting to me to get that note from her teacher, but after talking to the Director and observing her I felt better. It might be of concern to you that she's not following directions when the rest of her class/soccer team is, but maybe they just haven't hit that "not listening phase" yet. I'd keep an eye on her but don't panic - I think it's probably just her being 3!
You are describing my daughter! Also 3, also started preschool last week, also not listening. Her teacher hasn't mentioned it to me except when I asked how she's doing. I also found out that she's the youngest full-day in her multi-age class (3-5yo). She's really tired by 3pm, and I think that's a big contributer. The way I deal with her not listening (it's a big huge problem at home) is I make her repeat my instructions back to me if she doesn't listen right away. "Riley, what did Mommy ask you to do?" She can always say them back to me, so she's clearly being stubborn and choosing to do something else. But, repeating them back to me often refocuses her on what I want her to be doing. I also sometimes tell her once, and then take her arm and guide her to what I want her to do. She hates it, but I make the point that she needs to listen the first time. It probably does more harm than good when I repeat myself over and over. DH is especially bad about it because he doesn't want to actually have to act on anything! Say it once, and then make it a reality. I think they're 3 and this is a phase. With that said, it isn't going to be fixed today, tomorrow or even next week and it's incredibly frustrating. It very well may be a control thing. DD loves school, but I don't think she likes that she doesn't have a choice. By being defiant (passively or actively), maybe they are trying to maintain control over themselves.
Don't know if your DD naps anymore. Mine doesn't but today I tried putting her in her room immediately after school for "quiet time". I tell her she doesn't have to sleep but it needs to be quiet. We'll see if this helps. (She up there singing, and not quietly. I'm too tired of fighting with her to do anything about this right now!).
I think the plus side is that we have strong, independent daughters. What more could we ask for? (I know, I know- I'm reaching here)
I'll be honest here, no probably not. I highly doubt that every other kid at dance, soccer and school has previous experience with a lot of structure. My kid didn't and he didn't act that way at school although he does at home. That being said, it may be her personality, some kids are flighty and it has nothing to do with how they are parented, if they've been with a SAHM or nanny or in daycare, it's just who they are.
If you are worried about Autism I would take a look at a good list. Here is one. Print it out and ask your nanny to take a look as well and see if your Daughter has difficulties in multiple areas, one area alone is not enough to warrant a concern. Also for things like her shoes are you just yelling in her general direction, "hey it's time to go you need to put on your shoes", or are you going right up to her, getting down and making eye contact and telling her " we have to leave in 5 minutes so you you 1 min to finish what you are doing and then you need to go and get your shoes". She may have some social anxiety and get really overwhelmed in large groups, can she sit and focus on crafts or other activities with the nanny or you and DH?
Symptoms
Most parents of autistic children suspect that something is wrong by the time the child is 18 months old and seek help by the time the child is age 2. Children with autism typically have difficulties in:
Pretend play
Social interactions
Verbal and nonverbal communication
Some children with autism appear normal before age 1 or 2 and then suddenly "regress" and lose language or social skills they had previously gained. This is called the regressive type of autism.
People with autism may:
Be overly sensitive in sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste (for example, they may refuse to wear "itchy" clothes and become distressed if they are forced to wear the clothes)
Have unusual distress when routines are changed
Perform repeated body movements
Show unusual attachments to objects
The symptoms may vary from moderate to severe.
Communication problems may include:
Cannot start or maintain a social conversation
Communicates with gestures instead of words
Develops language slowly or not at all
Does not adjust gaze to look at objects that others are looking at
Does not refer to self correctly (for example, says "you want water" when the child means "I want water")
Does not point to direct others' attention to objects (occurs in the first 14 months of life)
Repeats words or memorized passages, such as commercials
Uses nonsense rhyming
Social interaction:
Does not make friends
Does not play interactive games
Is withdrawn
May not respond to eye contact or smiles, or may avoid eye contact
May treat others as if they are objects
Prefers to spend time alone, rather than with others
Shows a lack of empathy
Response to sensory information:
Does not startle at loud noises
Has heightened or low senses of sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste
May find normal noises painful and hold hands over ears
May withdraw from physical contact because it is overstimulating or overwhelming
Rubs surfaces, mouths or licks objects
Seems to have a heightened or low response to pain
Play:
Doesn't imitate the actions of others
Prefers solitary or ritualistic play
Shows little pretend or imaginative play
Behaviors:
"Acts up" with intense tantrums
Gets stuck on a single topic or task (perseveration)
Has a short attention span
Has very narrow interests
Is overactive or very passive
Shows aggression to others or self
Shows a strong need for sameness
Uses repetitive body movements
Thank you all so much for the feedback!
I went to her dance class with her last night and she pretty much spent the whole time running around and having fun on her own. I realized she is just not ready for this structured of a class - it requires too much self control and paying close attention to the teacher to try and copy the dance moves that are demonstrated. I spoke to her teacher and we are going to try a less structured class that is for younger kids and see how she does, and if that doesn't work out then we will just skip it for this year.
I've been thinking about this a lot and I am growing more and more convinced that this is just relatively normal behavior given her age and personality. I will certainly talk with her teacher and get her perspective and will work to reinforce listening and following instructions. DH and I also talked about trying to utilize a small set of consistent responses/consequences when she does not listen - we have always tried to address her behavior when she doesn't listen to us, but I don't think we have been consistent about how we do it. As many of you said, she is very capable of paying attention and focusing on the activities she enjoys. She can sit for an hour at a time coloring or painting, and if we are going somewhere she wants to go, she will rush to get her shoes on and head out the door. She also listens very well for our nanny and her Nana, so I think a lot of this is testing me and DH. And at school, I think she is still settling into the routine after being off all summer and able to do whatever she wanted most of the time.
I still will touch on this with our pedi when we see him next in a couple weeks, but I am feeling more at ease about the possibility of autism. I really appreciate the detailed list of austism characteristics; it was very helpful and I plan to show it to DH as well.
Thanks again everyone!!