Unfortunately "stupid adoption comments" even affect adult adoptees
I've heard many of you talk about the insensitive things people have said to you about adoption. And without being a "Debbie Downer", I thought some of you amazing mothers here might benefit from knowing, in advance, that the same stupid comments will eventually be said to your children - not just when they're in junior high or high school, but well into their adult live so that you, like my parents did, might prepare them to deal with these kinds of words.
On Sunday night, DH and I went to dinner with his parents. I love his parents. They are lovely, caring people. DH's mom is obsessed with genealogy and she and my FIL had just returned from a 3 week trip to Pennsylvania investigating FIL's ancestors. After telling us all about FIL's family at dinner this was the conversation that happened:
MIL: Marcy, someday I'm going to do a full genealogy for your family.
Me: Actually, my Aunt already did both sides of my family. We have huge binders and pictures and everything. I'd be happy to share them with you sometime.
MIL: Oh, no, I meant your real family.
Me: (Stunned, shocked, silent)
The conversation then turned to me telling my MIL I didn't plan on finding my birth family, therefore that wouldn't be necessary followed by her telling me that she "knew I'd want to find them eventually" and criticizing my decision now to. My amazing husband then, thankfully, changed the subject.
Just goes to show, no matter how old an adoptee gets, someone will always drop the word "real family" on them and it will hurt, every time. Luckily my parents raised me to know exactly who my "real family" is and not to respond to those who assume otherwise. I know you ladies will do the same!
Re: Unfortunately "stupid adoption comments" even affect adult adoptees
I'm so sorry she made that comment to you. That had to hurt. It's a shame she didn't think about what she said before she said it.
I have no words.
TTC June 2009-May 2011
We decided to adopt in June 2011!
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Is it worth having your husband talk to her about it? He could explain why what she said was upsetting and why her comments weren't helpful. Or is she the kind of person that would just get offended by that, too?
I guess I just want her to apologize to you...
I want this too. What an insensitive comment.
I don't even think she realized I was offended. I was able to hide it pretty well. She's a lovely woman with no bad intentions, so I don't think it's worth bringing it up again. But I did tell DH that if a comment was made like that again, that I would tell her it was inappropriate. Changing the subject seemed to work.
I would have liked an apology, too, but I don't think it's worth making waves over.
Thanks everyone for the good vibes and support.
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i agree! what she said was offensive and hurtful to her daughter-n-law and should be called out on it...
My FIL made only one comment about me being adopted and then has never said anything since.
We were joking around about my DH being so different from his siblings, and my DH said something along the lines of "Yeah I am the adopted one." My FIL turned to him and said something along the lines of "We don't joke around like that you are our real child." The look on my face I am sure said it all since he has never made a negative comment about adoption since, but still.
This is one of the reasons people have to know me for a long time before I ever reveal that I am adopted. Some people are ignorant and can't keep their mouths shut or they just don't know the right thing to say. And it is usually people who have never had experience with adoption in their circle of friends and family.
As a lurker, and an adoptee, I have to agree. I know you don't want to make waves, though - hopefully, since she is a very nice person, she's just uneducated about adoption and will come to you in private and apologize.
I don't come right out and introduce myself as "Hi, my name is C and I'm adopted," but I don't hesitate to bring it up if the subject is brought up in conversation ("Oh so-and-so is thinking about adoption, etc."). It tends to bring up more questions, but it's nothing I'm embarassed about and I think it's good for people, who don't know otherwise, to learn about the subject.
Even as an adoptee, I can't imagine ever having to go through the struggle of giving up my child - so many kudos to the birth moms whom I've seen around the board. I can never thank my birth parents (and birth grandparents) enough for giving me the life I probably wouldn't have had if it wasn't adopted.
And so, so many kudos to the adopted moms - to open your hearts is amazing. (I know a few people who say they would never adopt b/c the child is not their blood line. It infuriates me.)
Marcy thank you for sharing. It's terrible what your MIL said. Too bad she didn't know to leave it alone after you told her you had no interest in your birth family. I will try to do more to prepare my DD for the questions I get.
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