Who do you put first- Child or Husband/Significant Other?

Camike · August 2011

I was reading the comments on this article (https://celebritybabies.people.com/2011/08/28/kendra-wilkinson-postpartum-depression/) and some people commented on how they put their husband before their children/themselves. This got me thinking. My first thought is that my DD comes first. Her needs and feelings are always at the forefront of my mind, but maybe it's because she's so little right now. Then I think about my husband and how I am going to be married to him the rest of my life so keeping our relationship fresh, healthly, and loving is important to me. So I guess my answer is both- depending on whoever needs me more that day.

Anyone feel the same/different? I'm interested to see everyone's reasoning and I'm not looking to judge at all.

first-time-mama · August 2011

I always say that DH comes first. We are going to be married for the rest of our lives. That being said if it comes down to DS well being he comes first. He cant fend for himself yet. I just think we need to be careful as moms to not let our LO's come between us. Does that make sense? lol

BelleIsa · August 2011

I've been reading a lot of stuff recently that says to put marriage first. A happy, healthy marriage makes for a happy mom and therefore and happy baby etc.

But... my DH is so freakin' selfish that it's tough for me to put him first and in all honesty, I put my DD's needs before my DH's. He hates waking up in the mornings to be with us, he sleeps in and takes his time getting ready so as not to have to give DD breakfast, he's never home first, and at the weekend he's obnoxious and grumpy if he doesn't get to sleep until 10 am. Meanwhile, I pick up the slack. So, it's tough for me to put him first when I feel he obviously doesn't put me or DD first, you know?

ASmallWonder · August 2011

This may be an UO, I don't know. My feeling is that I love my husband to death, I do. But I also believe there's more than one "right" person out there for everyone. My kids are my flesh though. No matter what ever happens I will always be a mother and there is no replacement for them even if I have others. All that is to say that my children will come first when it comes to safety (DH and I agree that we both feel this way).

Parenthood is the one thing that is permanent. You can get married and divorced and say "I was married once." But God forbid something happen to your children, or even if your relationship grows apart when they're older, you would never say "I was a parent once." KWIM?

12bailey18 · August 2011

I've always been told to put DH first. Your kids will be leaving the nest in about 18 years, your husband will be there much, much longer. You don't want to be sitting on the porch swing together with zero relationship and nothing to talk about, you know? I think you have to find a balance to provide everyone's needs.

ashnoelle · August 2011

elmoali:
This may be an UO, I don't know. My feeling is that I love my husband to death, I do. But I also believe there's more than one "right" person out there for everyone. My kids are my flesh though. No matter what ever happens I will always be a mother and there is no replacement for them even if I have others. All that is to say that my children will come first when it comes to safety (DH and I agree that we both feel this way).
Parenthood is the one thing that is permanent. You can get married and divorced and say "I was married once." But God forbid something happen to your children, or even if your relationship grows apart when they're older, you would never say "I was a parent once." KWIM?

totally agree. Of course I was the child of divorced parents, so grain of salt.

Arcadia1114 · August 2011

first-time-mama:
I always say that DH comes first. We are going to be married for the rest of our lives. That being said if it comes down to DS well being he comes first. He cant fend for himself yet. I just think we need to be careful as moms to not let our LO's come between us. Does that make sense? lol

Yup! As DH says " someday Liam will move on and be the center of someone else's universe.".

shortstuff15 · August 2011

12bailey18:
I've always been told to put DH first. Your kids will be leaving the nest in about 18 years, your husband will be there much, much longer. You don't want to be sitting on the porch swing together with zero relationship and nothing to talk about, you know? I think you have to find a balance to provide everyone's needs.

This is what I would say as well. When it comes to providing for my daughter, yes she has needs that I have to put above my husband (ie - if he's hungry he can go get himself a snack but my daughter cant yet, she needs a diaper change, etc...) but if my husband is feeling neglected because I'm focusing too much on our daughter, then we'll get a babysitter for a while and go out and have fun. In that aspect, he is put first because we need to nuture our relationship aside from kids so that we still have a relationship after they are out of the house.

MyPunkinPie · August 2011

My relationship with my H comes first. Like PP said, happy parents, happy child. IMO, my H and I are in this together and we need to provide a strong foundation and a united front for raising a well-balanced child. It's not easy and I admit I haven't been the best wife since DS arrived but I'm working on it.

Camike · August 2011

I agree- it is important not to let LO come between us. That happened when she was first born b/c everything was so new and we both didn't have a clue what the heck was going on.

DaisyFull · August 2011

Psshht.... I put myself first.

Numero Uno, right here. If I'm not happy, no one's happy.

SailorGray · August 2011

Why does it have to be an either/or type of thing? My DS comes first in some instances (most instances) and my H in others. It doesn't mean that our marriage is doomer. We are a family. It's all pretty equal. No one is neglected.

I agree with pp that said this is a stupid debate. It is possible to treat them all equally seeing as how they have different needs.

nomadica · August 2011

For me, DS comes first, no question. I certainly believe you shouldn't neglect your marriage, and I don't. But I believe that both DH and I should have our son as our first priority. Nothing is more important to me than him.

Doylesa · August 2011

DH comes first and I always come first for him. We are Christians and believe that when we were married we became one flesh. So our order is: God, spouse, and then our child. Our child is the fruit of our marriage, but our marriage will always come first. One day our son will leave us to get married, and his wife will become his focus.

rainyday31 · August 2011

first-time-mama:
I always say that DH comes first. We are going to be married for the rest of our lives. That being said if it comes down to DS well being he comes first. He cant fend for himself yet. I just think we need to be careful as moms to not let our LO's come between us. Does that make sense? lol

I think you put it very well.

ANJ410 · August 2011

I guess it depends on the situation, but when it comes to physically taking care of my family, I usually put my kids first. My husband is a grown up who is capable of finding his missing belt or ironing his shirt, my kids can't even wipe their own butts. I gladly do whatever I can for him if I have the time, but if I am busy taking care of the kids, he has to suck it up and do it himself.

Luckily we are on the same page when it comes to our parenting style, so arguments on how to raise them aren't an issue that can come between us.

nealbl · August 2011

It really depends on the situation. My husband and I agree that our marriage needs to be just as important as our realtionship with our LO..So we work hard at both. If my DH is sick and LO is not I will put DH first.

I took a day off about 6 months ago just to have a day with LO. DH got colitis and ended up in the hospital. He was not going to die or anything but I did not even think twice about sending LO to MIL's and spending the day in the hospital with DH. He is the love of my life and I want to be there for him as much as possible. Plus one day LO will move on and have a life of her own and DH is who will be with me forever so i will put him first when it is needed.

Unknown · August 2011

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ESD_0707 · August 2011

I say my husband does, but we both know our girl comes first.

We are fine with that.

Sara Scissors · August 2011

Maybe I'd a bit jaded because both my parents were married and divorced 3 times before I was 9 years old. My brother and I were their only kids though. Bennett will always be my son, no matter what happens between me and DH. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but I've obviously seen that even those with the best intentions don't always stay married. Especially at my son's age, he can't do much for himself. He needs my time and attention much more than my 31 year old husband. We really try to make an effort to have date nights and time alone, but it's hard having a 1-year-old. Especially one that didn't start STTN until he was 18 months old!

Luckily we are both committed to both our son and our marriage. My only hope is that we can make those commitments equal to another. I don't think one really needs to take presidence over another.

epopp85 · August 2011

For me, the children come first. DH is (should be) mature enough to realize that since we are the adults, our needs come second. That said, I do tend to put his needs above my own most of the time, but he has to get in line behind DS and (soon) DD.

Dreamsicle23 · August 2011

first-time-mama:
I always say that DH comes first. We are going to be married for the rest of our lives. That being said if it comes down to DS well being he comes first. He cant fend for himself yet. I just think we need to be careful as moms to not let our LO's come between us. Does that make sense? lol

I agree with this. This may be an UO, but I think the majority of the marriage issues posted on are a good example of why I think this is true.

kg_08 · August 2011

It depends on the day I guess. With DD being so young, she NEEDS me sometimes. DH can fend for himself. If DH actually expresses something to me though, he absolutely will be first. Like last night he had a rough day and just wanted to go relax in bed alone, so we put Trista to bed early. I believe that in general, the husband should be first. As I said though, with our LOs being so young it's just inevitable that they physically need us more.

delg23 · August 2011

Depends on the particular issue, but in general my son comes first. He is more dependent on me. My husband is a big boy & he knew what he was getting into when we decided to have children. One thing is for sure...I come last.

ETA: We have no marital issues and I don't think either of us would say our relationship is different in any way. Our lives are different, but we feel the exact same way about each other. We were together 10 years before we had a child so our relationship had lots of time to evolve.

CurlyFry16 · August 2011

cmeon_the_water:

I hate this debate. We are a family, and family comes first. Our kids need us more some days and less others, my husband and I have more of each other sometimes and less others. And sometimes we just need to concentrate on ourselves. There's a natural ebb and flow to any family- it shouldn't be a tug-of-war or a scramble for attention. We're all equally necessary to our family's health and well-being.

Very well put. I agree with this 100%.

mrs.kapow · August 2011

kg_08:
It depends on the day I guess. With DD being so young, she NEEDS me sometimes. DH can fend for himself. If DH actually expresses something to me though, he absolutely will be first. Like last night he had a rough day and just wanted to go relax in bed alone, so we put Trista to bed early. I believe that in general, the husband should be first. As I said though, with our LOs being so young it's just inevitable that they physically need us more.

I think I'm most with you on this one.

Needs are different than wants. DD's survival comes before either of ours because she cannot survive without us.

But wants and desires of the marriage should come first, IMO. Putting aside going out/away with your husband because you've never left your child and can't fathom it can become a problem. Scheduling activities for your kids and cancelling a date night or a big company outing may foster resentment from your spouse.

I hope that came out right.

emiliemadison · August 2011

No single thing or person can come first all the time, so it's a balancing act. Obviously, there are times when the needs of an infant/baby who is incapable of caring for themselves need to come first. But I'm not JUST a mom. I'm not JUST a wife. I'm not JUST a woman. I'm all of those things and more, and it's important to balance all of them so that I have a healthy marriage, a happy child and a confident sense of self.

emiliemadison · August 2011

BelleIsa:
I've been reading a lot of stuff recently that says to put marriage first. A happy, healthy marriage makes for a happy mom and therefore and happy baby etc.

But... my DH is so freakin' selfish that it's tough for me to put him first and in all honesty, I put my DD's needs before my DH's. He hates waking up in the mornings to be with us, he sleeps in and takes his time getting ready so as not to have to give DD breakfast, he's never home first, and at the weekend he's obnoxious and grumpy if he doesn't get to sleep until 10 am. Meanwhile, I pick up the slack. So, it's tough for me to put him first when I feel he obviously doesn't put me or DD first, you know?

Men need to balance as well. Being married to a selfish partner can't be easy, and you're right, it's hard to WANT to put them first sometimes when they never do the same for you.

But what have you done to change the situation? Are you willing to let him continue to live as though he's not married and doesnt have a child while you play single mom and maid?

Angela814 · August 2011

cmeon_the_water:
I hate this debate. We are a family, and family comes first. Our kids need us more some days and less others, my husband and I have more of each other sometimes and less others. And sometimes we just need to concentrate on ourselves. There's a natural ebb and flow to any family- it shouldn't be a tug-of-war or a scramble for attention. We're all equally necessary to our family's health and well-being.

I agree with this completely. I think when the kids are really young, their needs naturally come first. As they get older, that starts to change, and we have more time to focus on our marriage. But above all, our family should come first.

cbee817 · August 2011

DD and hopefully another DC will always come before DH.. he feels the same way about me, so we're on the same page.

first-time-mama · August 2011

Doylesa:
DH comes first and I always come first for him. We are Christians and believe that when we were married we became one flesh. So our order is: God, spouse, and then our child. Our child is the fruit of our marriage, but our marriage will always come first. One day our son will leave us to get married, and his wife will become his focus.

ITA this is how we think too.

nealbl · August 2011

first-time-mama:

Doylesa:
DH comes first and I always come first for him. We are Christians and believe that when we were married we became one flesh. So our order is: God, spouse, and then our child. Our child is the fruit of our marriage, but our marriage will always come first. One day our son will leave us to get married, and his wife will become his focus.

ITA this is how we think too.

Yep this for us too!

ENI36 · August 2011

nealbl:
first-time-mama:

Doylesa:
DH comes first and I always come first for him. We are Christians and believe that when we were married we became one flesh. So our order is: God, spouse, and then our child. Our child is the fruit of our marriage, but our marriage will always come first. One day our son will leave us to get married, and his wife will become his focus.

ITA this is how we think too.

Yep this for us too!

Us too

ryry1977 · August 2011

first-time-mama:
I always say that DH comes first. We are going to be married for the rest of our lives. That being said if it comes down to DS well being he comes first. He cant fend for himself yet. I just think we need to be careful as moms to not let our LO's come between us. Does that make sense? lol

this for me as well

benoitfan · August 2011

BelleIsa:

I've been reading a lot of stuff recently that says to put marriage first. A happy, healthy marriage makes for a happy mom and therefore and happy baby etc.

But... my DH is so freakin' selfish that it's tough for me to put him first and in all honesty, I put my DD's needs before my DH's. He hates waking up in the mornings to be with us, he sleeps in and takes his time getting ready so as not to have to give DD breakfast, he's never home first, and at the weekend he's obnoxious and grumpy if he doesn't get to sleep until 10 am. Meanwhile, I pick up the slack. So, it's tough for me to put him first when I feel he obviously doesn't put me or DD first, you know?

This EXACTLY. My DH is so selfish that he ensures that all his needs are covered first, so I do the thinking for both of us when it comes to DS. My ILs trained their son to be selfish, it's extremely difficult to DH to see anyone else's needs but his own. I am constantly reminding him "what about DS". My mission in life it to teach my DS to put others first.

Temp36641187503164 · August 2011

cmeon_the_water:

I hate this debate. We are a family, and family comes first. Our kids need us more some days and less others, my husband and I have more of each other sometimes and less others. And sometimes we just need to concentrate on ourselves. There's a natural ebb and flow to any family- it shouldn't be a tug-of-war or a scramble for attention. We're all equally necessary to our family's health and well-being.

Agreed. DH and I have a healthy relationship and we honestly, always put DS's needs above our own. We will most likely do that past the age of 18.

We also have an agreement (his parent's are divorced and remarried, as well as his grandparents and my parent's were each married before and have children from those relationships, but they are still married to each other) that we don't want to re-marry if something happens to one of us or we did get divorced (highly unlikely). We do not want our child/ren to have step parents. FIL put his "needs" before his sons needs, he cheated on MIL and then married the woman he had an affair with. While FIL was a part of DH and BIL's life, it was only EOW and then a Sunday night phone call. He moved several hours away and SMIL made it clear that she didn't think of them as her sons. FIL put his new wife first and I think that's wrong. FIL didn't even invite DH and BIL to his wedding! They had a child together and DH actually feels like he doesn't really have a Dad (or Mom, but that's because she's abusive and not apart of our life).

I think when there is a healthy relationship with mature adults there is no feeling of neglect.

nicobean1 · August 2011

cmeon_the_water:

I hate this debate. We are a family, and family comes first. Our kids need us more some days and less others, my husband and I have more of each other sometimes and less others. And sometimes we just need to concentrate on ourselves. There's a natural ebb and flow to any family- it shouldn't be a tug-of-war or a scramble for attention. We're all equally necessary to our family's health and well-being.

this. well said!

Temp36641187503164 · August 2011

delg23:

Depends on the particular issue, but in general my son comes first. He is more dependent on me. My husband is a big boy & he knew what he was getting into when we decided to have children. One thing is for sure...I come last.

ETA: We have no marital issues and I don't think either of us would say our relationship is different in any way. Our lives are different, but we feel the exact same way about each other. We were together 10 years before we had a child so our relationship had lots of time to evolve.

Our son was born the day after our 10th "dating" anniversary...and we had been friends/flirted for about 6 months (talking daily) before we started dating. We know pretty much everything there is to know about each other and have a very close relationship. We both wanted a child badly and agreed that our child would come first. But seriously, the only thing in our relationship that gets neglected is going away without DS and date nights. But you can do special things at home after your child goes to bed (DS goes to bed at 8, we go to bed at 10 or 11/12 on the weekends). We never bed shared and DS has always had an early bedtime. We have nice, quiet, romantic dinners at home after DS goes to bed...so that part isn't neglected either. Even though I'm not comfortable leaving my son overnight.

We have always split all of our household chores, combined our income even before we were married, etc. DH has always done his own laundry unless I had time to do it.......I mean, he doesn't even think that it's my duty to keep up the house even though I'm a SAHM. He still does just as much around the house as I do. So by becoming a mother I haven't "neglected" DH's needs, lol. We've always been equals and we still are.

It doesn't even feel like we are putting DS before each other/our relationship. We are happy and it all just happens naturally.

piper09 · August 2011

DH is my number one, I am DH's number one, and DS is OUR number one. Does that make sense?

amykins1283 · August 2011

Edited: I didn't like the way I phrased my comment and I can't think of a better way to say it. Hmmmm...

I think it depends on too many factors to break it down. Sometimes DH is first, sometimes I am first, and sometimes Liam is first, as individuals. Our relationship is the biggest priority, though.

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