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Success after IF
JillRock96
member
S/O -- Being Judged...
JillRock96
member
I have to say that because of this board, I am so conscious of how I am perceived in public. We took the girls to Chik-Fil-A for lunch on Saturday, and I was self-conscious about it the entire time. We eat fast food rarely, and we were 30 minutes from home, trying to squeeze lunch in while I quickly shopped for things I needed for school. The girls ate a great (healthy!) breakfast, so I got them chicken nuggets and fries (the three of them split a kid's meal -- GASP!) plus a side of fruit. The entire time we were there, I felt like everyone who walked by the table (right by the door, of course) was judging me for giving them fast food. I actually was nervous that someone was going to make a comment about it to me. Ridiculous, right?
I'm sure this is beating a dead horse, but some of the posts today (and in general over the last few months -- not trying to call anyone out) have really bothered me. Please don't make judgements about someone's entire parenting style based on ONE moment on ONE day.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: S/O -- Being Judged...
Dillon loves chicken nuggets and I am not ashamed to say he eats them regularly. He is super picky and I call him a vegetarian, because he is into veggies and fruit and won't eat meat at all - so I get protein in him any way I can. Chicken nuggets it is! (and bacon for breakfast *gasp*)
No one style of parenting is right or wrong.
After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v705/arriinthere/PJ/?action=view
OMG. The HAT comments never, ever end! CeCe flat out refuses to wear one. I put one on her every time, but it doesn't matter how many times I put it on -- she will pull it off. I now hear it from my mom, MIL, grandMIL, and every aunt on both sides. HER HEAD HAS NEVER GOTTEN BURNT!!!
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
How funny - I've never had anyone tell me to make either of my kids wear a hat. Dylan has refused to wear one for a long time, though he does have a ton of hair. Braylon, sometimes I put him in one and sometimes I don't. He's never had his head get sunburnt either.
I've had the same thoughts when going out to eat too. I've never gotten a comment or noticed any looks though. My biggest worry when out is that my kids don't have a meltdown though - I have gotten looks for those!
BFP with no treatment!
I agree! I'm do things 90% different than anything that gets posted on this board. Part of the reason I've cut down on my SAIF time.
Like I said earlier- I missed the muffin post because we picked up McD's and went to the park. Heaven help me since I haven't had time to grocery shop this week because we've been too busy enjoying this great weather!
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
I'm far from perfect but is it bad that I don't really care what others have to say/think??? I may just be immune to it b/c I have a VERY opinionated MIL who says exactly what she thinks regardless of what it might be....and it is often judgey. I get the hat comment constantly. My MIL will say (while standing right next to me), "my poor granddaughters are being neglected and will boil / freeze to death because their parents won't put _____ (hat, socks, etc) on them". I just ignore it. My daughters don't want those things on and it's not like I'm sticking them outside in direct sunlight on a 100 degree day for 3 hours. I pick & choose my battles strategically. Winning one to have my daughter wear a hat for a 30 second walk to the car is not that important to me.
Ditto with food. I try to instill healthy habits but noone is going to keel over from MacDonald's or another fast food meal occasionally. I certainly didn't.
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
I am trying to be of this mentality. I am really good at it when it comes to family (lots of practice, lol), but for some reason the stranger looks/comments bug me.
This is me too. I am 100% confident in the choices I make as a parent, the comments don't bother me.
I am loving this post! While there are many great supportive posts and discussions on here, I often feel like people want to say " look at me, I'm an awesome mom", which is fine. As long as it doesn't cut down someone else if they do things different. I believe and have often said that every kid is different, every situation is different, etc. so we just can't judge.
I'm laughing at the hat comments, I get them too. And I felt like I had to explain myself when I put my LO in the baby bjorn recently! What's funny is a lot of real life friends give their kids juice (even for supper), and bribe their kid with candy, etc. I just think it's more popular on here to try to do things perfectly.
Having said that, I love the advice I've gotten here, blah blah blah.... It is however refreshing to see others saying what I've been thinking.
I've been doing a lot of ignoring and putting my head in the sand when it comes to this stuff. I missed the whole muffin thing and when I clicked on the link today I realized why - I didn't like the title so I skipped that thread. I'm really lucky to have a great group of mommy friends who will do stuff like bring leftover McD's to the zoo on our day out because they are REAL NORMAL people who junk food sometimes because it's easy and it tastes good and that's why I love them. Moderation is my friend.
E
In all honesty I stopped posting here for a short time because I felt like my mothering skills were sub-par to the majority on the board and was getting a complex from it.
Then I woke up one day and said "nah, every mom out there can't be perfect with the most perfect kids" I am just going to do the best I can with what I have to work with.
I have been much happier since that moment of enlightenment.
After 7 years trying to concieve, 3 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs, my third IVF was a success!
My Christmas baby turned into a turkey bird! Dillon Richard was born at 34 weeks, 5 days on November 28, 2009 after 10 weeks on bedrest for preeclampsia.
<a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v705/arriinthere/PJ/?action=view
I agree. I don't worry about it - after all, I had my kiddo's birthday party at chick fil a.
I'm a stickler about the emotional health of my child, and making sure she is stimulated, a good person, has values and all that. I don't get all worked up over every morsel that goes in her mouth, nor every single safety concern that could possibly exist. That's just not my style. I'm fine with that.
My daughter is a dream kid because she has a very even temperment, and very laid back style. So we don't have a ton of issues, we are just lucky. But there are times when I have to do things that many people would look at and find inexcusable - like when I biffed it and forgot her lunch at home so stopped and got her a Lunchable. Oh well, it is what we had to do in that moment, and if someone judged me based on that one experience, I'm sure they'd freak.
My point is we all get stressed from time to time, and I think it is in your child's best interests to sometimes say 'screw it' and do what de-stresses you as a Mom. If other parents judge you, who cares?
But I agree - you can't really say "I can't believe someone does XYZ, don't they know about XYZ"...and then follow that up with "I didn't mean to imply any judgement or stir the pot". Ummm...yeah, no. That just doesn't fly. Stir the pot if you want, that's fine, but just own it. :-)
There are many many many good ways to raise a child. You raise yours, I'll raise mine, and I promise not to roll my eyes if you promise not to shake your head.
I don't really want my child to be a self righteous know it all. So I have to struggle every day to contain my own self righetous know it all- ness. But if anyone wants to join me for a virtual Chick Fil A nugget-a-thon, I'm buying.
Well good for you. I DO get bothered by the judgment because all it is is a thinly veiled way of patting one's self on the back. Posts about "awful" parenting decisions are really just ways to say "look at me, I'm a great mom, I'm better than you." It's childish, petty, unnecessary and none of anyone else's business.
Said it once and I'll say it again: mind your own shop.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Good for you! I'm sure that feels great! I guess that's just one more way I'm sure you're a better mom than me.
There are a lot of behaviors that are human that we work to overcome everyday. Just because we all do it doesn't mean we should revel in it. I have done my share of judging and piling on, particularly on the nest/bump - and while it feels good and self-reinforcing at the time, in the end it feels an awful lot like junior high level behavior. I agree that we are an AMAZING group of women. But we are like moms everywhere, and that is what makes me sad - I wish we could be *better* than that. It's one thing to say "wow, that's not a decision I would make" - but it's way too easy for things to spiral into group-think, not point-counterpoint discussions, and that's what makes me frustrated too.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Don't get me wrong. I am not 100% confident in the choices I make, nor do I think I am a superior mother or whatever. I just do the best I can, and I hope that my best is enough, you know? And I honestly don't worry if people are judging me because it just doesn't matter in the grand scheme...
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
Jinx! Jill, you owe me a Coke! Or rather, an all natural, no FHCS, caffeine free organic locally brewed soda sourced from free trade cola beans
ETA: Kim, I know what you mean. But "it doesn't bother me" isn't an excuse for the sometimes rampant judgefests that go on here and that epidemic on the other bump boards. Judgment does bother many people (many of our favorite regulars, as this post indicates!) - and again, we're all better than that. So if judging is universal, maybe we can agree that it's at least not polite to do it in "public." Kumbaya. And all that.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
So, um, can I just get you some water? In a BPA-free bottle, of course.
Screw it, I'm off to make some muffins. But they're homemade, so it's ok...right?
I agree. I try not to worry about it - after all, I had my kiddo's birthday party at chick fil a.
I think you can't really say "I can't believe someone does XYZ, don't they know about XYZ"...and then follow that up with "I didn't mean to imply any judgement or stir the pot". Ummm...yeah, no. That just doesn't fly. Stir the pot if you want, that's fine, but just own it. :-)
There are many many many good ways to raise a child. You raise yours, I'll raise mine, and I promise not to roll my eyes if you promise not to shake your head.
I don't really want my child to be a self righteous know it all. So I have to struggle every day to contain my own self righetous know it all- ness. But if anyone wants to join me for a virtual Chick Fil A nugget-a-thon, I'm buying.
This exactly.
Exactly! This drives me nuts! Reading through all these posts today I was thinking the exact same thing.
I'm the mom who serves mac n cheese, grilled cheese, chicken strips...you name it. And - shock - everyone in my family is normal/slightly underweight.
And if someone wants to judge me for eating that stuff/serving it to my family, then I'll show you a picture of my rockin' bod. Oh wait - I got that from plastic surgery...
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
One more thing... now that I'm warmed up:)
I have one "picky" ( for lack of better word, don't need to start another debate) eater, and one really good eater who will try anything and eats veggies, grilled chicken, hummus and guac by the spoonful (often smelling of garlic because of it).
I have one who has always been an excellent sleeper, and one who has always fought it. I mean, always.
Both of these girls came from the same parents, same household, same everything.
I just go with it and do the best I can. Some days I do feel like I'm awesome, and some days I know I could've done better. I'm human. What can I say?
ETA: I wish I could get better emoticons with my mac....this one is weak!
haha! I got mine from cancer, so it's all good
(seriously, fastest 12 pound weight loss EVER!)
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
And how does one's confidence in any way equate to judgement of everyone else? Because I parent more naturally and am very conscious of what goes into my daughter's mouth, and I feel good about it, this automatically means I am on a high horse? NO. Does it mean I think I am a better mom than everyone else? NO. It just means I make decisions with my family's best interest in mind. I posted in muffingate about the crap I see people feed their children. Yes it bothers me, because most of my neices and nephews are on steady diets of crap, and I love and care for these kids and care for their health. So no, I can't just ignore them and mind my own business. I don't say anything to them, but I sure as heck wish my unhealthy SIL's were setting the children I care about up for a healthier future.
All your posts tonight have been beating a dead horse and I have left it alone, but you are spending so much time declaring yourself as holier than thou for NOT judging, but are just in turn judging all the judgy people out there. That is very self-congratulatory. Like Mousey said, all of us are judgers, yours is just a thinly veiled attempt to make it look like you aren't at all. It must be so nice to never ever judge or side eye anyone for anything, so keep patting yourself on the back for being a better person than everyone else.
Such an excellent point - I'm quickly learning, with LO #2, that so much of what I tried to attribute to our parenting choices (positive AND negative) had more to do with the temperament of the babe. And #2 is only 2 months old, I'm sure I'll learn this again and again in the coming months and years. Just because YOUR kid isn't a picky eater, or sleeps great, or has whatever other phenomenal attribute some others lack, doesn't mean you achieved that by your superior parenting skills and know how to handle that other person's child. Yes, you can affect some behaviors and do what you can, but nature goes a long way too.
This is making me want to bring home Chick-Fil-A for dinner tomorrow night for Nicholas and I (DH works late wednesdays).
What does this even mean?
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
You're right, that was poorly worded. This board was called crunchy/natural and it was a reference to that.
Cassian, I'm sorry but that whole first paragraph comes across as VERY holier than thou. Especially the first couple sentences.
I agree that you shouldnt judge someone based on seeing something once. If I knew someone who took their child to fast food or unhealthy restaurants several times a week i definitely would have trouble not judging, but thats just me. I wouldnt think the person was a bad parent, but one that makes not so wise nutrition choices for their child.
Our beautiful son was born July 2008.
2010: 2 IVF's,1 FET = 2 BFN's, 1 c/p
Feb 2011-Unmedicated FET= BFP!! DS #2 born Oct 2011!!.