3 year gap between siblings = ideal?

luvmybaby28 · August 2011

My pedi, whom I highly respect and adore, mentioned that he believes the ideal gap between siblings is 3 years because a 2 year old is all over the place and needs to be watched all the time so the 2 year age gap is too crazy.

I know that many women handle 2 u 2 very well and it is just his opinion, but is there a huge difference between a 2 year old and a 3 year old in terms of needing to be on top of them 24/7? My lo just turned 1 recently so I am not familiar with the 2-3 age range. I am thinking of ttc soon, but his comment along with other factors has me reconsidering.

CelticWife · August 2011

Mine are 2 years and 6 days apart. It is perfect for us.

DS has always gotten into everything. And yes, we did have to watch him a lot at 2. Since our house is fairly toddler proof, we didn't have to watch him every second of every day. But at almost 3, we still have to watch him every second he is around his sister.

2 is physically needier; they need your help with a lot of things. But DS has always been good at independent play, and at that point he was very accepting of change. His temperament was a lot more even. He had no problems with us bringing his sister home.

While a 3 year old is less demanding physically, they are an emotional basket case. We had a period of time earlier today when DS burst into tears because DD looked at him. They still aren't fully capable of things like getting dressed, getting something to drink, etc. (Ok, maybe some are. Mine isn't.) And we still have to watch DS every second he is around DD, because he has accidentally knocked her over or tried to play peek a boo with her and left the blanket over her head.

The downside for me with having them closer together was the actual pregnancy. I had a lot of complications, and I was on bed rest and not allowed to lift things for months at a time when DS was learning how to walk and run. I feel like I missed out on that time. But they are so perfect together most of the time now that I wouldn't change a thing.

penguingrrl · August 2011

This is something where everyone has their own opinions and needs to do what works for them. I would disregard the advice from your pediatrician since that is not medically based information but rather his own parenting opinion. My two are 22 months apart and I wouldn't have done it differently. They're absolutely best friends and the older one can't remember what life was like before the younger one was there. We'll have a larger age gap between #2 and #3 due to circumstances outside of our control, but ideally we would be having #3 around now because we enjoyed the spacing of about 2 years so much.

I also never found two under two nearly as hard as other people seem to. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world, but the closeness in age didn't make it more difficult for me.

luvmybaby28 · August 2011

thanks for the replies ladies, lol about your 3 lo crying because his baby sister looked at him! I am also an only child so having them super close in age is important to me. Like you said, it is not medically based, just his personal opinion. I guess I see it as it will not be a walk in the park either way and there are so many things to weigh regarding the spacing, but I just wanted to see if you felt that 3 was the magic gap that people should strive for.

susanmosley · August 2011

There is no correct spacing between children. There are plenty of opinions and thoughts on the matter. I never mind someone sharing theirs with me. But remember this is your decision and the reasoning and thought has to make sense to you.

Just to answer your question as to if there is a huge difference between a 2 year old and a 3 year old? YES. A 2 year old is only 2/3rds as old as a 3 year old, you know? Someone two thirds of a 21 year old is 14 - think how different a 21 y/o is from a 14 y/o. And think how much your child changed month to month for the last year. Two and three year olds are completely different beasts with different challenges.

Edited for type-os galore!

GoombaGirl_79 · August 2011

CelticWife:
The downside for me with having them closer together was the actual pregnancy.

This, for me, right now. I'm about 6 months along with baby #2 and the most difficult thing I am finding is DS is just so GO GO GO! And mommy really *really* would love to just sit for a little while.. PLEASE? Hahaha. He seems to be offended sometimes that I might just want to sit down and will come over and pull at me and tantrum if I don't get up...which leads to him getting a time out.. then I feel bad because I can't play with him as much. DS will be 2 1/2 when the new baby arrives. So far (usually) he's great at independant play and our place is toddler proof...although he seems to always find one thing to get into or act dangerously around when he gets into his over-tired-stinker phase. I hope his clingy phase ends soon so I can just sit and relax without him freaking out......3 1/2 months to go.... yikes!

earthboundmisfit · August 2011

my 2 year old sat better than my 3 year old does lol. The older she gets the crazier. Things were easier with a 2 yr old and a newborn than they are now! We have a 2 year gap almost exactly and it's just been perfect. It's been hard..I want to stress that! but it's been perfect. DD2 is at an age where she can walk/run and play with DD1. They wrestle all over the floor, they giggle, they roll around..it's adorable. They are best buddies already. The hard part comes when they are both crying, as DD1 is still a little young to know about patience, fairness and why she sometimes has to wait for mommy or daddy while we take care of DD2. It's a little rough, but I wouldn't change our spacing. We are considering being done at 2 so it's nice that they are close together.

Also DD1 had zero jealously issues when DD2 was born..I think she was too young to really care If you were originally planning to TTC soon I wouldn't change that based on what your pedi said. The majority of us on the 2u2 board love the closer spacing. I would do it all over again!

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2011

I have 2 friends that did 3 year spacing, and both found it VERY challenging the first year. Some people tell me that the terrible 2s are a myth and 3 is MUCH harder. Of course, it varies on the kid. Some kids are easier at 2, others at 3. I find a 12 month gap easy for me, but I'm only 7 months in to having 2 kids so maybe I'll find it harder when the kids are older. Who knows.

I wouldnt make my family plans based on what is hard in the first year. Plus, how easy/hard it will be will depend on the temperaments of the kids involved, and you just can't predict that. In 5 years from now, it's not going to matter if you have a 2 or 3 year age difference (besides the fact they'll be a year further apart in school).

GL with whatever you decide!

LoveEeyore · August 2011

My DD was 19 months when my twins were born. It was tiring but manageable. I loved it then, but LOVE it now. They are really into the same shows, the same activities and only a year apart in school. I sit down and work on developmentally similar motor skills in an art project. They love the same books, my 3 yr old reads to them= they are so close- I feel like the luckiest mama alive,

DD#1 was easy for the 2s. Her 3s for the first 6 months were hell. Only time as a mom I felt out of control and doubted myself was dealing with the threes. The thought of having twins or even being pregnant during that period nearly sets me into a panic attack.

I think I would look at your LO now and base it on that- how resiliant and flexible is he?

And re pps comment re pedi medical vs. parenting preference- I agree with this a thousand times. I don't even talk to my pedi about the kids' allergies or speech problems and EI except to put it in their records.

And I really think the biggest factor is love. As long as you've got it, your family will grow in a loving way.

FrickandFrack · August 2011

I think you should do what is best for you and your family. That being said, before I had DS, I always wanted 4 children, each 2 years apart. Now that I've had 1, I'm content with the fact that there will probably be 3 years apart from the next. I love that DS has been able to be the baby for so long.

sharrow · August 2011

The New England Journal of Medicine came out with a study saying that it is healthier for the infant if the mother waits 18-23 months before concieving. With the ideal spacing between children at 35 months.

https://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article5525024.ece

https://www.ahaparenting.com/CustomContentRetrieve.aspx?ID=974644

Partly, I decided to wait amost three years, because I am close in age with my sister, and was always in her shadow and still do not have a good relationship with her.

However, my relationship with my brother (we are 2.5 years apart) is wonderful.

But 100% do what is best for you and your family.

VTbride05 · August 2011

I am SO happy that we waited to have our DD almost 3 years apart from DS. DS was/is very independent. He can use the bathroom by himself, get a drink, and sleeps great. He is already on a good routine so for us, it worked really well!

dutchgrl678 · August 2011

For us the 3-year spacing works very well. DD is potty trained and can even go to the bathroom by herself now. She can entertain herself longer. She helps me with diaper changes and loves being my big helper and being a big sister. She really gets that he is her little brother and she needs to look out for him. We are blessed to have two very easy-going kids though. They both sleep great, eat great, and have a very pleasant demeanor.

iteachk · August 2011

Mine are 2.5 years apart. I think a three-year gap would've def. been easier in the beginning.

luvbeingmom · August 2011

Ds was 3.5 when dd1 came around

DD1 was 2yrs and 2 weeks when DD2 showed up...

BY FAR... the 3yr age gap was MUCH better than what I'm going thru now.

DD1 is soooooooo finicky right now it's almost unbearable some days. Well, let's just say that it's rare to even have ONE day without a screaming fit from her.

She has no issues with the baby, she loves the baby and hugs and kisses her and sometimes looking at the baby will be the only thing that will break her from a fit.

So all that DD1 is going through seems to be like normal 2yo stuff that I'd be dealing with even w/out a new baby. It would just be much easier to put all my focus onto DD1 and get her to stop with this terrible 2 phase.

It could just be the personality as well. Not all 2yos are crazy lol

It's just hard right now because she doesn't understand that she needs to wait for me to handle the baby (especially when I'm bf'ing). There's only one momma to go around.

nic326 · August 2011

Funny - my 2.5 y/o is still all over the place and has no intention of slowing down. And I dont know any 3 year old who doesnt need to be watched all the time. I think its what works best for you and what feels right to you.

sunnyday016 · August 2011

DD and this baby will be almost exactly 3 years apart, and I'm really happy for the spacing. I think knowing my DD's personality (she's very mature, verbal, needs a lot of talking/interaction) that the spacing will be really good for her.

in my life · August 2011

I've been told this several times as well. I hope it's true because we are on our way to an (almost) 3 yr. age gap! I studied psychology in college and there were actually 2 psychologists (names escape me) that also said three years is ideal.

Jen&Len · August 2011

My 2 LO's are 21 months apart and I'm glad I had her when DS was younger because I feel like 3 has been much harder than 2 with DS.

Smores730 · August 2011

I think it has so much more to do with the personalities of the kids. It might have been easier for us to wait until DD was 3 in the sense that she would have been more independent but I think she would have had more adjustment and jealousy issues. We had a 2 year 4 month gap. It worked out nicely for us, then again, we don't know any different!

RHitch · August 2011

Ours are exactly 2.5 years apart (almost to the day), and I think the gap is perfect. When I first had DS, it was very difficult because DD was jealous of him. She started acting like an infant again, and she went through a PT regression. I hear this happens with most kids though, so I don't think it was because she was 2 year old. Either way, by the time DS was 3 or 4 months old, she was back to normal.

DD is definitely less needy at 3 than she was at 2. However, now she seems to be emotionally unstable (lol). She always let me know what she does and does not "want" to do, she tries to debate me on everything, and she can go from cool to out of control in 2.5 seconds. At the same time, she is very independent, she helps a ton with her brother, and she loves to teach him new things (like saying her name and his ABCs...lol).

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