I had to start my own confession thread for this one!

blueberries8 · August 2011

I feel so passionately about my hump day confession, I felt the need to make it it's own thread (maybe that should be part of my confession:) Here goes:

I HATE HATE HATE those "inspirational" feel-good stories/messages of people who were successful with IF treatments and want to reach out to those currently struggling to let them know everything will work out. Thankfully we very infrequently see this offense around these parts, and I am thinking it might be a cultural difference, but I lurk on some of the Israeli IF forums which are shock-full of these types of messages and these god-awful heartfelt messages are posted in frames with baby pictures all over the RE's office.

Usually it's some lovey-dovey diatribe about how they were once in your shoes but they now have sweet, beautiful miracle twins sleeping peacefully next to them and you should have faith that your day will come because G-d doesn't forget anyone etc. etc. etc. and when they were at their lowest they never thought it would happen but then it did etc. etc. etc.

These sort of messages stab me in the heart 10x more than hearing about oops babies and seeing pregnant bellies, ESPECIALLY when it's coming from someone who underwent fewer rounds of treatment than me/had an easier go of it than me. It just makes me so bitter and angry, like how do they know that my story or the greater *we* will have a happy ending to our suffering? It just strikes me as incredibly presumptuous and also a little condescending and patronizing.

It has always seemed to me that these sort of messages are only meant to make the giver of advice feel better about having prevailed and overcome, but apparently, there must be some women out there who like these kinds of "inspirational" messages; otherwise, I don't think the RE's office would be plastered with them. Personally, they seriously make me shrivel up on the inside, and it's not because I begrudge others their happiness.

I don't know if our journey will have a happy ending, I mean I hope and pray so hard that it will, but just because everything worked out swimmingly for someone else doesn't mean it will be the same for me and just because someone else got their miracle, it doesn't mean the world is suddenly a fair place for everyone.

Tanya+Da · August 2011

I completely agree.

Mitzi Bishi · August 2011

I couldn't have said it better myself. We even have people bringing kids and babies into my RE's office... yeah that one really stings. And I get to wait for the elevator while they take up the whole thing with their stroller, because of course they get priority.

jessican08 · August 2011

MandaS08 · August 2011

I hate that too. It feels like they are belittling what you are feeling, b/c afterall, you shouldn't worry. If it worked out for them it will work out for you-that's crap.

it also makes me feel bad, b/c what if it doesn't work out for me. does that mean God turned his back on me and doesn't love me. The fact is bad things sometimes happen to good people and we don't know why. its just life.

MAbride0808 · August 2011

I totally agree! Thankfully my RE's office has very few baby pictures and those are kept hidden near the receptionist's desk.

I find this more disheartening than anything, same reason why I can't lurk on PAIF.

MrsOjoButtons · August 2011

blueberries8:

These sort of messages stab me in the heart 10x more than hearing about oops babies and seeing pregnant bellies, ESPECIALLY when it's coming from someone who underwent fewer rounds of treatment than me/had an easier go of it than me. It just makes me so bitter and angry, like how do they know that my story or the greater *we* will have a happy ending to our suffering? It just strikes me as incredibly presumptuous and also a little condescending and patronizing.

Drinks

I hate hearing most advice because the givers rarely know my diagnosis. Nope, relaxing, getting really drunk, or hooking up with a different guy (yeah, I had a supervisor offer Huh? ) will not result in a baby because I don't have fallopian tubes, but thanks for the suggestions.

BareBethC · August 2011

Well said, I concur. Thankfully, my RE's office does not have anything like that. No pictures of kids, not even in any of the offices and I'm sure that there are people there with kids, I think they're just sensitive like that thank God. And they don't have any pregnancy/parent magazines in the waiting areas, just Cosmo and Glamour and stuff like that.

angela2004 · August 2011

My Re's office is also a OB/GYN so there is TONS of pregnancy, baby, motherhood mags laying around. Oh and LOTS of pregnant women... it's aweful!

babina868 · August 2011

BareBethC:

Well said, I concur. Thankfully, my RE's office does not have anything like that. No pictures of kids, not even in any of the offices and I'm sure that there are people there with kids, I think they're just sensitive like that thank God. And they don't have any pregnancy/parent magazines in the waiting areas, just Cosmo and Glamour and stuff like that.

Haha, yeah, if there ever were an office that shouldn't put out pregnancy and parent magazines, it's an RE's office. Know your audience, right?

And agreed in general -- just because someone else had success doesn't mean that everyone will, and waving success in a stranger's face is just so wrong. And I charge former IFers with a higher standard than the general public -- you can excuse most people because they're just ignorant of what IF feels like, but the IFers know better.

Mrkyrain · August 2011

I so agree. The phrase "just hang in there, it will all work out." is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I mean I am hanging in there (barely) but it may not work out. Not everyone is successful. I think the general public doesn't really realize this. People think IVF=baby but it doesn't always.

brookelynpaisley · August 2011

Tanya+Da:
I completely agree.

Yes

apollonia10 · August 2011

I totally agree. I also hate it when people argue with you - "Oh, you'll definitely get pregnant. It's just a matter of time." You know what, no, I might not. There is that possibility. Every day I look that possibility in the face and I deal with it, and having to argue with people about how I might not ever get pregnant is so demoralizing. My mom is the worst. She got pregnant with me and my siblings - in her words - "just by thinking about it" and she's certain I will too. I hate it when people project their experiences on others.

naybird · August 2011

MandaS08:

it also makes me feel bad, b/c what if it doesn't work out for me. does that mean God turned his back on me and doesn't love me. The fact is bad things sometimes happen to good people and we don't know why. its just life.

This!!! I hate when you hear the, God has a plan.. in God's time. If God meant for you to have kids.. crap!!!!!!

Really, God wanted the crack mama who threw her baby in the dumpster to have a kid and not me? Thanks.. F Off!!!!!

Kitttkattt · August 2011

My RE told me after both pregnancies to come back with the baby(ies). The first time I was just planning to send a picture. Then I lost my babies at 22 weeks. Now I definitely plan to come back with my baby if I get a live baby out of this pregnancy. So I will be that person maybe. But the REs should be more sensitive and not say that, mine said it repeatedly as well as all the nurses.

blueberries8 · August 2011

Kitttkattt:
My RE told me after both pregnancies to come back with the baby(ies). The first time I was just planning to send a picture. Then I lost my babies at 22 weeks. Now I definitely plan to come back with my baby if I get a live baby out of this pregnancy. So I will be that person maybe. But the REs should be more sensitive and not say that, mine said it repeatedly as well as all the nurses.

I have no problem at all with the pictures or even with women bringing babies in person to show the staff of the RE's office - it's just the advice to us still trying (at my RE's office, often written alongside a framed picture) that we should be hopeful and know that they were in our shoes but it happened for them etc. that upsets me. I celebrate the success of others, I just don't like them assuming that just because they got a happy ending to their struggle, we will too.

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I had to start my own confession thread for this one!

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