How many of you have been asked "Why don't you just adopt?"

racheyt0227 · August 2011

I have never been asked this by anyone yet & sure hope I don't. I'm not saying it from the point that I would not be open to adopting-just from the point that is is beyond presumptuous of someone to think you should "just adopt" just because you are infertile. I really hope I can have a nice comeback if this does happen. lol.

stinkerbell6879 · August 2011

Too many times to count Embarrassed

Especially when I first was dx as a teenager. I got the "Oh! Well then you will just adopt then later when the time comes..." Umm. Really? I usually just smile and nod. Also it has made me more guarded about who I tell.

CeeCee82 · August 2011

I can deal with pregnancy announcements (as long as it's not my brother announcing a 6th child) but I get really upset when someone mentions adoption or donor eggs. I just squint at them them and frown.

wither16 · August 2011

I actually knew I would adopt before I was diagnosed at 19....but that's because I myself am adopted!! Big Smile

To me, adoption is not a second choice (which is how I think people who ask IF women this question view it as). It has to come after the treatments for my DH and I, strictly because of my health. I know that whether the IVF does or does not work, my next move is a full hysterectomy. But as an adopted person, I know that people's perseption of it are still a little "Old school". When I was younger, people ONLY adopted if they couldn't have kids. Now, it's something people do because they feel in their hearts that is how to add to or complete their family. Sadly, I think it will be many years before people stop offering this as a suggestion to "fix" IF or as the only other alternative.

I personally have been asked this, but I just acknowledge we will look at that further down the road. Most people mean well, so it's hard to have a good comeback....

sarahtoledo · August 2011

I wish someone would ask that, because I'd probably go a little nuts on them. Stick out tongue

We would be thrilled to adopt, but don't have $15,000 sitting in my bank account.

Mrs.McIrish · August 2011

I ask them where exactly this adoption store is located and if they are giving me the $20K plus as a gift.

sbrowns08 · August 2011

I've never been asked this directly, but for some reason in the last two weeks I've had multiple people tell me that if we adopt then I'll probably get pregnant right away. I've heard that this comment existed from the boards, etc, but I'd never heard it personally until recently.

Maybe it's because we've been doing treatments for so long now that more and more people know about our IF. Hmm.

stinkerbell6879 · August 2011

Mrs.McIrish:
I ask them where exactly this adoption store is located.

I am saving that to use the next time someone ask me! lol.

jessican08 · August 2011

I try not to get too perturbed by this when people say this to be comforting but when people are completely unsympathetic to IF and ART ::coughs - PETA:: and consider people who try ART selfish, I usually turn it right back on them and ask them why they didn't just adopt their 3-4 kids or why they don't just adopt instead of TTC.

Most people are completely ignorant of the adoption process; to the costs associated with it, the length of time it takes, and how much heartache there can be in a failed adoption. I think some of them honestly believe it's like adopting a puppy or kitten...you pick out the cutest one, pay the $20 fee and walk home happily ever after.

racheyt0227 · August 2011

sbrowns08:
I've never been asked this directly, but for some reason in the last two weeks I've had multiple people tell me that if we adopt then I'll probably get pregnant right away. I've heard that this comment existed from the boards, etc, but I'd never heard it personally until recently.
Maybe it's because we've been doing treatments for so long now that more and more people know about our IF. Hmm.

Its because you are finally stress free once you adopt. Didn't you know you get pregnant by not stressing out??? lol. If only that were the case.

naybird · August 2011

I have been asked this a million times. I ask the person, Do you know how expensive and difficult it is to adopt? People think it's just so easy but it honestly is not. That's because they are fertiles and have never had to even think about adopting.

I have nothing against adoption, and honestly if I have to go down that road I will. I just don't think I should have to defend myself as to why I am chosing IVF over adoption.

And I really really hate when people think it's so easy you can just go to an orphanage and pick out your baby. I wish people understood just how difficult adoption is emotionally and financially.

KDR1979 · August 2011

I have been asked this several times and it p*sses me off. People are clueless about adoption. They have no idea how long the waiting list is and how many thousands of dollars it costs. I work in an ob-gyn office...there have been 2 adoption in 6 years! Very few people choose to give their babies up for adoption. I really think people think that it is easy to adopt.

There was an article in the Sunday paper a few weeks ago and I posted a link to it on my FB page. I was hoping to enlighten some "fertiles."

https://nky.cincinnati.com/article/AB/20110724/EDIT03/107240322/World-s-doors-closing-adoptions

Domestic vs. International Adoption

Child?s ages
?Public domestic (foster care): Most 5 to 8.
Private domestic: Usually newborn.
International: Most are between 1 and 4

Wait
Public domestic: 1 year or longer
Private domestic: Match with a birth mother typically takes up to two years.
?International: One to four years, depending on the country.

Cost
Public domestic: Minimal; court fees may be reimbursed
Private domestic: $15,000 to $35,000.
International: $20,000 to $50,000.

Risks
Public domestic: Children have special needs, could be victims of abuse, neglect.
Private domestic: Some adoptive parents are uncomfortable about the possibility of contact with birth parents.
International: Possible limited access to child?s medical history; older children are more likely to have attachment disorders and/or developmental delays; concerns about a country shutting down adoptions during the wait.

racheyt0227 · August 2011

KDR1979:
I have been asked this several times and it p*sses me off. People are clueless about adoption. They have no idea how long the waiting list is and how many thousands of dollars it costs. I work in an ob-gyn office...there have been 2 adoption in 6 years! Very few people choose to give their babies up for adoption. I really think people think that it is easy to adopt.

There was an article in the Sunday paper a few weeks ago and I posted a link to it on my FB page. I was hoping to enlighten some "fertiles."

https://nky.cincinnati.com/article/AB/20110724/EDIT03/107240322/World-s-doors-closing-adoptions

Domestic vs. International Adoption

Child?s ages
?Public domestic (foster care): Most 5 to 8.
Private domestic: Usually newborn.
International: Most are between 1 and 4

Wait
Public domestic: 1 year or longer
Private domestic: Match with a birth mother typically takes up to two years.
?International: One to four years, depending on the country.

Cost
Public domestic: Minimal; court fees may be reimbursed
Private domestic: $15,000 to $35,000.
International: $20,000 to $50,000.

Risks
Public domestic: Children have special needs, could be victims of abuse, neglect.
Private domestic: Some adoptive parents are uncomfortable about the possibility of contact with birth parents.
International: Possible limited access to child?s medical history; older children are more likely to have attachment disorders and/or developmental delays; concerns about a country shutting down adoptions during the wait.

Thanks for your info. I appreciate it.

Delta04 · August 2011

Mrs.McIrish:
I ask them where exactly this adoption store is located and if they are giving me the $20K plus as a gift.

...good one McIrish! As others have said, people have no clue about the adoption process and how much time and money is involved.

DesiraeSunshine · August 2011

The question amkes me want to throat punch the offender. Like adoption is SOOOOOOOO easy and someone elses child will fill my void.

mandalinn25 · August 2011

Ugh I love adoption, my niece and nephew are adopted, but here for a private in-state adoption it is a flat fee of $40,000.....that is a lot of IVF's right there. I get so mad when people say that infertiles are selfish for not adopting, they have NO CLUE. We would adopt, but we cannot afford it, period. I don't know many that can. The prices have gone up so much in the last year it isn't even funny.

MrsOjoButtons · August 2011

I've been asked many, many times, but fortunately a simple, "We're not at that point in our journey yet," has sufficed. It gets the point across that we've considered it in the past, haven't ruled it out for the future, we're just not on that option right now. Whether that's the truth or not isn't their business.

Something I've really been trying to keep in mind is that sometimes, people genuinely ask questions because they are going through something similar, or perhaps one of their loved ones is. Phrasing anything, "Why don't you just..." puts the recipient on the defensive, so I understand assuming they're just being nosy, but I try to be nice, just in case that was their course of action once upon a time or what have you.

kzawisl · August 2011

I get asked this question ALL THE TIME, only it is, "Why don't you adopt like your parents did and then you'll get pregnant like they did!" Yes, double whammy, I'm the surprise BFP to a seemingly IF couple after they adopted 2 children, after TTCing for like 10 years. I feel like punching everyone who asks me this. It is as if they're saying, "Why not just go get a kid somewhere else and it will cure your infertility!" DH and I knew IF was going to be a long road, and we've discussed adoption, and are still considering it, even as we continue treatments, but seriously, jerkfaces? Why don't YOU adopt? Oh...because you're fertile? Apparently adoption is only seen as a consolation prise for infertiles. Ugh....sorry....clearly this topic sets me off.

may2806 · August 2011

mandalinn25:
Ugh I love adoption, my niece and nephew are adopted, but here for a private in-state adoption it is a flat fee of $40,000.....that is a lot of IVF's right there. I get so mad when people say that infertiles are selfish for not adopting, they have NO CLUE. We would adopt, but we cannot afford it, period. I don't know many that can. The prices have gone up so much in the last year it isn't even funny.

And then they'd say we're selfish for paying for a newborn when there are tons of kids in the foster care system who need homes...it's like we can't win. It's a hard thing to argue, but after going through IF, I'm sorry but I don't have the emotional energy for a child who might have suffered abuse or neglect. If you are so concerned for these children why don't you adopt them? Why is it our responsibility? That probablly does sound selfish, but people are so eager to judge and tell you why you are wrong, when they have no idea what you have gone through and no sympathy. It honestly boggles my mind that people are so cruel.

brookelynpaisley · August 2011

I hate the "just adopt" suggestion. I've heard that girls will turn it around on the asker and say "how many children have you adopted?" I don't think it's fair that it seems to be assumed that we should adopt, when no one suggests this to people with biological children. It doesn't fill the voids of pregnancy and having a biological child as well as a link to our families. While adopting gives us the opportunity to parent, it's not an easy road either, emotionally or financially.

ILoveHelloKitty1982 · August 2011

I get asked this everytime I say T-TTC. Just like you can pick up a baby from the grocery store at the self-checkout. lol

jen4018 · August 2011

I am so dreading this question. Before I knew I had IF issue I awlays thought I would adopt at some point but then when we knew we had issues I looked into it and I got really pissed off. It is so expensive and there are so many risks. People are stupid!

Ruthie04 · August 2011

Ugh! This is so frustrating. The people making these comments have a very outdated view of adoption. I've worked in adoption for years. The stigma behind single parenting has changed and more women are making the choice to parent, not place in adoptive homes. And, birth families (including extended relatives) have more rights than they once had, making adoption through foster care time intensive and very risky for adoptive parents. While I see the pros in both of these changes, it makes things much more difficult for adoptive parents. Depending on the specifics of the adoption plan, it can be very lengthy, expensive, and risky. Don't get me wrong...I am very pro adoption- if it is a good match and in the best interest of both the child, birth parent (s), and the adoptive family. I think it is awesome and I have seen some really beautiful families formed because of it. However, it isn't easy and it isn't for everyone.

I'm really lucky. Most of my friends are also social workers and understand IF and the inappropriate nature of the adoption question. Whenver my family mentions it, I just tell them they don't know what they are talking about. They can't argue with that one!

Mandy_Lou83 · August 2011

I haven't been asked "Why don't you just adopt?" but I have been asked "Have you considered adoption?" I feel like those are two different questions. It was by a friend that I'm pretty open w/ about our infertility. I simply told her that we have several options of having a biological child before we move to adoption.

Kitttkattt · August 2011

I haven't been asked. The honest answer for me is if the child isn't mine biologically, I don't want him/her. I have 3 kids, I'm in a new marriage, ivf with our own sperm/eggs is the end of the line for us. People more ask us all the time why do we want a kid at all. We have 5 between us, so we hear all the time we have enough.

Go_Dawgs · August 2011

wither16:

To me, adoption is not a second choice (which is how I think people who ask IF women this question view it as). . . . it's something people do because they feel in their hearts that is how to add to or complete their family.

Lurker here.

Thanks so much for posting this. As soon as I found out that I had a fertility issue (PCOS, and I do not ovulate regularly), we decided to adopt. For me, I just wanted to be a mom, and I didn't care about being pregnant or having a biological connection with my child. It's very possible that simply losing some weight and/or taking Clomid would have resulted in a pregnancy, but adoption was our first choice.

I understand why most people chose IF treatment before moving on to adoption. However, choosing to adopt instead of trying to get pregnant is also a legitimate choice. We have no plan to ever try to get pregnant, and we want to adopt two more children.

I do want to point out, though, that when you adopt, you do not feel like you are raising "someone else's child." I couldn't love my son more if I gave birth to him myself. In fact, sometimes I forget that we're not biologically related. I understand why some people don't want to adopt and respect that, but no matter what your choices are to build a family, I do wish for people to recognize that adoption is a beautiful thing - and is just as beautiful and amazing as giving birth to a child.

Good luck to you all in your journeys to build your families!

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