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Breastfeeding
PinkGirlInCali
member
My Novel of Failures...
PinkGirlInCali
member
Breastfeeding has been beyond a difficult struggle for me. I will start at the beginning. In the hospital right after DS was born we had latch issues. The nurse I had my first night in the hospital was great! She helped a lot during feedings and was very encouraging and supportive. The nurse on night two was a b!tch, drove me BSC and convinced me I was starving DS and pressured me to feed formula as he had jaundice and according to her needed formula to "poop it out." After she basically put the fear of God in me I caved. And have been trying to recover ever since.?
I did see a LC in the hospital who was also helpful but once we got home during feedings DS would cry and I would cry and after 30 minutes of struggling I would have DH give him a bottle. I knew BFing would be hard, but I felt the added pressure of him needing to eat as much as possible because of his jaundice.?
Finally end of week two jaundice is gone, I try to resume with BFing but obviously my supply tanked a bit as we were probably doing 70% of his feeding with formula. So as I tried to recover with Nursing until he got frustrated then having DH finish the feeding with a bottle while I pumped to rebuild my supply. All was going okay until the end of week 3 (which is when DH had to return to work). In high school I played sports and injured my back. Well out of nowhere back spasms resumed when I woke up one morning. I literally could not get out the bed and laid there crying. DH had to take me to ER as I could not get into my doc that day because she wasn't in. I was put on a muscle relaxer and told it's not really recommended to use while BFing. I asked for anything that was safe to use while BFing but Doc insisted on that one (can't remember the name). So I spent the next few days pumping and dumping until I could get into my Chiro who thankfully was able to alleviate the pain. And honestly, as DS was a preemie, I'm not sure I would have been comfortable taking ANY medication that he might possibly receive through my breastmilk.
So I think we are in the clear, BFing presumes but then awful pain when nursing. Of course we both get thrush! Excellent! So at that point I'm beyond frustrated (and maybe even a little depressed) I just couldn't win. I gave up on pumping several times a day. I would nurse once or twice a day and pump maybe once but the pain was just killing me. And of course the d@mn thrush was awfully persistent. Nystatin sucks! I just stopped nursing altogether for a little over a week because we seemed to just be passing it back and forth! I tried to EC pump but I just could not manage to keep up with DS. I know I should have tried harder but please don't flame me on that, I already feel like crap! I hooked up with LLL and started genetian violet which thankfully got rid of it for both me and DS quickly!?
So having stopped nursing of course supply tanks AGAIN! *Sigh* With a LLL coach I'm staying motivated though to keep going. I put DS on the breast for every feeding and then finish with either formula on breastmilk (I tried pumping after every feeding but wasn't always successful).?
In addition to all of this DS has had eczema, serious gas (even with Gripe Water) and congestion. After several different formulas he is diagnosed with milk/soy protein allergy. So when we would supplement we had to do so with Nutramigan and I have to give up dairy (I LOVE my cheese so that nearly killed me) but of course I will do anything for him.
And then today. Had a doc Appt, BP is high. I struggled a bit with BP issues before pregnancy but lost weight and got it under control. It was perfect my whole pregnancy up until week 34. And when I had DS at 36 weeks it was high the entire time I was in the hospital.?
So doc gave me BP meds. Its Class B medication, Hydrochlorot. I just am not comfortable taking medication and continuing to nurse. Is that stupid of me? I feel like I just can not win. Leaving the doc I cried the entire way home and then cried to DH some more. I feel like I have failed DS and have failed myself.?
And I'm probably thinking too far into it but I am already stressing about child number 2. If DH and I are able to conceive again do I give BFing another try? What if I fail again? I can't handle that. And if I succeed I will worry that I was a bad mother to my first child but a better one to my second. Like I will have that "bond" so many brag about with the second that I didn't get to experience with my first. DS is 15 weeks now and I do go back to work soon so I guess it's just over. ?And to add insult to injury the Nutramigan is causing him to spit up A LOT so we are now trying the Alimentum which is stupid expensive when compared to other formulas. To go from thinking we would BF to spending $27 for a can of formula he will go through in 3 days just adds to the upset.?
*Sigh* I'm not sure if I was looking for advice, encouragement, support or just venting but if you read through this novel I appreciate it!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My Novel of Failures...
Every LC, OB, MW that I've spoke to say that mom's who have supply issues with the first baby will generally have no problems with the second.
It actually makes me feel worse. She's suffering the consequence of being the first. FF puts her at such a disadvantage in many ways. FF babies are not unhealthy, I know, but studies show that BM is the gold standard.
My experience with my first daughter was hellish. I completely understand where you both are. Just know that a happy mama = a happy baby. For me, the frustrations behind breastfeeding and supplementing was making things much worse for me. I was resenting myself and my daughter. It was getting bad. I talked to my OB/GYN about how I was feeling and he basically put it to me best and said I had to do what worked for me and if I could get past and do both, then so be it, but if I couldn't that I needed to just stop trying to BF because it wasn't healthy for either of us if I was going to cry when she cried for a bottle 10 min later. As much as I didn't want to hear that I needed to. He told me he wasn't about to tell me to stop bf'ing alltogether and left the decision up to me. I cried the whole drive home feeling like a failure. I cried the whole night trying to nurse her. Then it hit me that he was right. No one was happy here. She was hungry and could feel my frustration. I was frustrated, tired and resenting the whole situation. It was NO GOOD. We basically said our farewells to nursing that night and I handed her to DH for a bottle and I left and got cabbage and a sports bra and started the process. FWIW I had barely any pain, no leaking, nothing... there wasn't much there to "dry up" in my case. Which made me sadder, honestly. It was a hellish time. I beat myself up for a while.
But now looking back I know I did the right thing. I couldn't keep up w/ trying to do both and feeling like I was failing her. But I didn't fail her. I TRIED HARD. That is the key. She got colostrum which is the A #1 most important part. She is a super healthy, super happy toddler now who eats her veggies like no other. I give her good food, organic milk and all that crazy hippie stuff. LOL She is SO loved and finally got the happy mommy she deserved. It was not an easy road by any means, but it was our road and we went it together and I did what I had to do, cuz that's what you do for your LO's. ((HUGS)) You will know if and when you can or can't do it anymore, mama's. Just trust yourselves and know either way you did your best and your LO and you deserve to be happy!