Those who have lost a parent or IL, come in

Anasara · August 2011

DH's mom has been given 3 mos max. For those who don't know she was dx with bone cancer ~ 2 yrs ago & we recently found out it's metasticised to her liver & lungs. DH is heading to India later this week & I'm heading over next week. As you can imagine, he's a basket case. He's pretty sensitive for a guy & I'm afraid for him to be there alone (FIL will be there but is a mess too); I'm hoping SIL books her flight to get there when he does so he has someone with a head on their shoulders there to lean on.

It's not like I've never lost anyone before; heck, both my grandfathers passed on last year 6 mos apart. But it's so different when it's a parent. And so very different when the parent is only 56. And then there's a the whole cultural thing of him being their only son & in Hinduism everything he needs to do when she does pass on that freaks him out so bad.

You'd think working in psych research I'd know how to "handle" DH's craziness over this but I really am @ a loss. I go between feeling so bad for him & wanting to smack him because he's in complete denial of what's to come. For those who have lost a parent or IL, what did you do for your DH besides just being there? Thanks.

madelyn07 · August 2011

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

My mom died when I was 16 so DH wasn't in my life at that point. But what people did that helped me the most was realy just be there. Similar to IF, not say things like "I know how you feel" or "I understand" but just offered hugs and support and a shoulder to lean on.

It also helped when people did the normal things that I couldn't bear to think about/do. Picked up the dry cleaning, washed the bedding, stocked the fridge, gave me a plate of food because if I would have had to fix it myself I wouldn't have eaten, turned off the lights when I left a room or locked the door behind me when I left the house (because I was in that much of a fog that I just didn't really comprehend anything).

Just let him know that you are there and can do whatever he needs. I understand where you are coming from in terms of "wanting to smack him" but each of us deal with and process this type of event our own ways and you just kind of have to let him. It probably isn't the "best" way to cope but it is likely his defense mechanism right now.

Thinking of you all and hope you both have safe travels.

STL34 · August 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending T&Ps to you, YH and his family. ((HUGS))

My husband lost his mother when we were first dating. She was in her late fifties at the time. She was healthy one day, thought she had pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. She had a very uncommon illness that seems like pneumonia, but they actually don't have a cure for it. She declined rapidly.

I had not met his mother at the time. He had asked her if he could bring me up to meet her. She told him she wanted to wait and meet me when she was home. I spoke to him as often as I could. I brought him and his family food at the hospital. When she was in a coma, I even sat with him at the hospital. When they had to make the decision to take her off life support, I stood back and let he and his family be there. I attended her funeral and helped with everything that I could. But, I think the main thing for my now husband was just having someone there for him. He has told me on several occasions that he is glad that he had met me and that his mother knew he had found someone special.

I'm sorry, there really isn't one thing that will make it easier. All you can do is be there and help lessen his burden in any way that you can. ((HUGS))

Anasara · August 2011

madelyn07:
It also helped when people did the normal things that I couldn't bear to think about/do. Picked up the dry cleaning, washed the bedding, stocked the fridge, gave me a plate of food because if I would have had to fix it myself I wouldn't have eaten, turned off the lights when I left a room or locked the door behind me when I left the house (because I was in that much of a fog that I just didn't really comprehend anything).

This is exactly why I am going: to deal with all the estate stuff & any other planning or errands that need to be run. He seriously cannot think straight. He's ADD to begin with & this has made it so much worse. Thanks for your advice.

Anasara · August 2011

STL34:
I'm sorry, there really isn't one thing that will make it easier. All you can do is be there and help lessen his burden in any way that you can. ((HUGS))

Thanks, hun.

MrsNap_515 · August 2011

I lost my mom when I was 25, I was dating DH at the time, I looked to him for my sense of normalcy. I just wanted to be held and soothed with all the craziness of all the people around.

What helped me the most was DH making sure to always be there, never leaving me to be alone for too long, especially after all the craziness with funeral etc dies down, and everyone else goes home, he was always there for me.

It's the hardest thing i've ever had to endure, but just having his constant support was what i needed, and keeping me busy.

Keeping busy kept me sane, i took a month off of work because i was an emotional train wreck, my mother was my very best friend, and it was sudden. We never got to say goodbye.

I wish you guys all the best and hope that your travels go smoothly.

Prayers for you and DH

SweetDahlia · August 2011

I'm sorry you guys are going through this:<

Jenny952 · August 2011

I'm so sorry for you and your DH's family. I don't have any advice for you but wanted to send you ((((hugs)))).

MBfromBMC · August 2011

Anasara:
madelyn07:

It also helped when people did the normal things that I couldn't bear to think about/do. Picked up the dry cleaning, washed the bedding, stocked the fridge, gave me a plate of food because if I would have had to fix it myself I wouldn't have eaten, turned off the lights when I left a room or locked the door behind me when I left the house (because I was in that much of a fog that I just didn't really comprehend anything).

This is exactly why I am going: to deal with all the estate stuff & any other planning or errands that need to be run. He seriously cannot think straight. He's ADD to begin with & this has made it so much worse. Thanks for your advice.

This is what I was going to say, too. I haven't lost a parent, but I was raised by my nana and my uncle in addition to my mom, and I lost my nana when she was only 66 and my uncle when he was 44. Both died very suddenly, so I don't know how it must feel to watch the time pass. I still think about them everyday, but it really helped to have others helping out with daily chores, food, etc.

I had been dating DH for two years when I lost my uncle and it was really nice to have someone all to myself to grieve. Other family members and friends had to share their time helping my mom and my aunts, but DH was there for just me and I think that is the best thing you can do for your DH.

I am so sorry for your DH. You both are in my T&Ps. (((hugs)))

ecleptic · August 2011

We lost my MIL unexpectedly a week before our wedding. (Was 8 years ago and time dulls the edge for us, but the timing gives a sense of how truly screwed up it was) She lost a lot of weight for the wedding, had prior liver problems, and the doc didn't adjust her prescription pain medications correctly and what should have been a safe (and doc approved) double dose turned into Tylenol poisoning that wasn't caught until the next morning- she died after two days in a coma.

Being there helped. Listening to stories the third and fourth time- as many times as they needed to be told- helped. Doing the day to day things helped. We had a huge situation giving the timing and the million decisions that come up with a death and the million that come up with a wedding combined into a monster. (We considered cancelling the wedding but don't feel that MIL would have wanted that) I handled the wedding and all the little things to keep us both moving from moment to moment. He handled the things that he was obligated (as next of kin- DH was her only adult child and she was divorced) to handle and tried not to fall to a million pieces.

What shocked me, as someone who had never lost a parent- comforting someone who lost a parent- is what lingered beyond the initial grief. DH cancelled Christmas for the first year we were married. He was okay the rest of the year- but he just couldn't do Christmas. I still bought presents for friends/family and we showed up to family gatherings but we didn't have a tree or any decorations of our own and he was about as helpful as a lump of coal. That had been their holiday. The most special time of the year- and he just couldn't do it.

So I made the gift list, bought the presents, baked the bread that his mother had always baked, and shoved him into the car for the various family gatherings. And to some extent he acted like a toddler up after his bedtime until I finally (a year later) told him that he wasn't allowed to cancel Christmas forever- and that he had to find a way to deal.

But I didn't do that the first year - because that first major event without a parent sucks. Even if it seems like everything is finally settling down. We lost Lisa the last week of June and by November things were pretty much back to normal. But come mid December- things were no longer okay and they didn't get better until after the holiday had come and gone.

I don't know why I thought that once he was "okay" that he'd always be okay. But he wasn't. And it still crops up sometimes even the better part of a decade later- especially now that we're trying to have a child. That child will never know it's grandmother. We have pictures and memories and trinkets- but we will never be able to give that child "Lisa". Just our memories of a very complex woman- and it'll never be enough. Our memories won't be able to hold a kid and be Grandmama. And it kills him that she will never get to hold a child of ours. She was so happy we were getting married. She deserved the chance to hold our kids. It's not easy.

But for now, just be there and handle what of the day to day stuff you can manage. It doesn't feel like much but it really is.

DeputiesWife · August 2011

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It isnt easy.

We lost DH's father when I was 18 and DH was 21. He was 42. Stomach cancer.

We lost my dad when I was 21. He was 50.

Two of the hardest things I have ever gone through. DH's father we knew it was coming and we got to say goodbye. We got to be there.

I think the denial is the defense mechanism. My brother used humor to get by after my dad passed as my brother felt and he has stepped up to the plate to help my mom.

my H doesnt wear his heart on his sleeve but he has a big heart, he keeps it all in so it was hard for me to help him through everything because he wasnt exactly outward with everything. I was just there for him to listen and to help with things. I now knew he had his mom to take care of and ensure she was ok so I helped him get things in line for that. They had only been on the US for 3 years at this point and his mom didnt have much nor was she working.

H broke down twice. Once at my best friends wedding when it hit him that his dad wasnt going to be around for ours and the once when we were watching City of Angels. I let him cry. and I listened. then we reminisced about all the good times we had had with him.

I tried to help around the house as much as I could but I was away from college and in the middle of field hockey season.

I dont know much about his culture, but it is Russian tradition to have dinners one week, one month and on every anniversary, I helped out with those as well.

I think for my H he wanted me to be there for his mom as well. So then H became closer to my father and our worlds were turned upside down when he passed away. for me, all i wanted was to be able to talk about my dad and hat is how I healed. By talking about our relationship and what he meant to me. It is not something that takes weeks or even months to heal from. Its been 9 years and I'm still struggling with it all. BUT I know he is there. And I remember him often.

I think helping out with the traditions they have for after death would help as well -- and what I have always held on to is

"you can close your eyes and pray that he will come back, or you can open them and see all he has left"

I will keep you, your husband and his family in my T&P.

DeputiesWife · August 2011

I also second what Madelyn said --

help out with meals - prepare food, do the day to day things because you are totally in a fog. if no one brought food, i dont think we would have eaten. you dont think about it.

then after a week i had to go back to school after my dad passed and it was nice to get back to some normalcy because life, unfortunately, does go on and i know my dad would be mighty upset, in fact piss.ed as he.ll if I sat around and cried for him.

Temp590840000005378 · August 2011

Your post and all the responses make me teary eyed. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure you will be a great source of strength to your DH and so sorry to all the other ladies who have lost a parent, the thought of this takes my breath away. Crying

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