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2nd Trimester
acorlew7
member
Is it ok to have an "online" baby shower?
acorlew7
member
My husband and I recently moved to Texas from Ohio. We don't really have any friends here yet. We were hoping to travel back to Ohio before the 3rd trimester, but it's not looking like that is going to happen. This is our first baby, so there are a lot of things that we need. My question is, if I sent out "invitations" for an e-baby shower telling people where we are registered, is that inappropriate? We could really use the help from our friends and family back home getting us started on essential baby gear. What are your thoughts or suggestions?
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Re: Is it ok to have an "online" baby shower?
I wouldn't label it a baby shower. Do you think your family in OH could just spread the word as to where you're registered? The way you're talking about doing, it sounds kind of tacky. I don't want to sound harsh but it just sounds like you want gifts so you're making up a way to get them. I'm not quite sure how an "e-baby shower" would even work??? Maybe if you explained how an e-shower happens, I would understand a little more.
I think it would come across much better if the information about where you are registered came from someone else besides you. I bet your friends and family will WANT to send stuff regardless of whether there is a shower or not. Esp since you just relocated. Most people understand what it's like to move to a new town. Good luck!
I think this post is probably going to get a least a few people beaming that's rude to simply ask for gifts. Many feel that a baby shower isn't a right, but a gift - given by somebody else and that if somebody doesn't throw you one, then you don't get one.
But, I understand your side here. You need some help! Nothing wrong with that. Just becareful how you handle things. Personally I would NOT throw an "online baby shower" because it's not a shower! It's just asking for things online, lol. If you non-chalantly express your concerns about baby gear to a friend of family member back home and they ASK you where you're registered - that's one thing. Or, maybe you could send the little slips you get from the store you're registered at with birth annoucements once baby is here? To me, that seems far more appropriate than an your original idea.
Also, if you're really in need of help and wanting a shower, I would make it a priority to plan a trip back home. I don't know for sure, but it seems to me that if you positively plan one now and let all your closest peeps know about it - someone is very likely to take advantage of your time in your hometown and throw you one!
I'm going to go with its weird, tacky and generally one big side-eye.
First off, you aren't supposed to throw your own shower. It is considered gift grabby. So, what you are doing is saying I need stuff, go here and buy me this stuff AND there won't even be and punch cake to enjoy afterward .
No one is resposible for buying you things. If money is an issue check out garage sales, craigslist, and consignment places.
Sorry, but i would not do it, nor would buy a gift if I got an invite like that.
A kiss he will never forget- Disney World 2014
OMG, this. I don't think I've ever heard of anything more rude or tacky. I definitely wouldn't buy you anything if I got an invite like this. It's not people's job to buy stuff for your baby - that's your responsibility. And it begs the question, if you can't even afford baby essentials, why would you get pregnant in the first place and how do you expect to provide for your LO in the future?
*TW loss and children mentioned*
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Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
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My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
This. Don't do it- it's very tacky.
If a family member asks to throw you a shower and you simply can't make it back home then a virtual baby shower is fine. What they do is send out normal invites, and then say on them that if you can't attend but plan on sending a gift to honor the baby then please attach a photo of yourself and a little note so we can all celebrate the new baby with you. I know a few family members who did it this way and it was not gift grabby at all. It was very sweet and everyone in the family wanted to particip;ate because they understood the circumstances.
But for you to send out the invites and pretty much saying hey this is where we are registered and this is what we need is gift grabby. It can be done in a classy way.
I'm not sure how an on-line baby shower would work, so I can't really comment on that.
If I were you, I would just send out "Pregnancy Announcements" without any info on where you are registered. If you haven't revealed the gender yet, you could even combine the announcement with an "It's a Girl/Boy" announcement. I'm sure you will have friends and family calling and e-mailing you with their congratulations. Then, if they ask, you can tell them where you are registered. If I received an announcement from a friend or family member, I know I would put a gift card to Target or Baby's R' Us in the mail with my congratulations. I would do that instead of the online shower so that nobody gets offended.
Hopefully you will have family who will step up and ask what the baby needs in order to help you out with some of the big purchases... Good luck!
No, no! If you are in need of things for your baby, for whatever reason you didn't think of this before you got pregnant, you should ask your friends and family for hand-me-downs.
My family threw a shower for me and I asked that the invitations mention that we would love to have hand-me-downs.
Start going to consignment stores, garage sales, and look on craigslist for gently used items. Many people get gobs of items for their first children and don't use half of it.
I don't think it's a problem at all. It's not rude. People always get gifts for their first baby. I'm sorry others on this board have chosen to comment just to try to insult you. If you're concerned, chat with some of your closer family members about it and see how they feel (it would definitely help to have them on board). I did a quick google search and found a webpage all about throwing long-distance baby showers like this one, so it is definitely something that people do. I haven't read most of it, but I did note that some people do favor gift cards and a lot of times it involves a video/phone conference to play baby-shower games.
https://www.webbabyshower.com/content/baby-shower/baby-shower-long-distance.php
As for me, I just moved away from my family as well and am expecting. However, since this is our second child, I'm just registering (one place, to keep things simple) and telling everyone about it, hoping they'll buy things (and giving them plenty of time to make the purchases for Christmas if they don't feel like the impending baby is enough reason).
I don't think anybody's trying to insult her personally. She asked for opinions, so she's getting honest opinions.
First, it is tacky to throw your own shower. Second, what you're describing doesn't sound like a shower, it sounds like asking people to buy things for you.
I would say create a registry, by all means, so that if people ask you what you want or need you can give them the info. Let your folks know in case people ask them. Anything beyond that is not okay, regardless of your circumstances.
As a side note, a friend of mine just got an email from her cousin saying, "Hey, we're having a baby! If you want to get us a gift, here's where we're registered." She was SO offended by it and it made her decide not to send them anything at all. We couldn't stop gabbing about how tasteless it was. Sorry, true story.
I think it is tacky to throw your own shower or to tell everyone where you're registered (unless they ask).
We are in a similar situation, we are across the country from our families. I emailed our parents the link to our registries and figured if anyone else wanted to know where we were registered, they'd ask them. It's one thing to provide registry information when asked, it's a whole other thing to email to everyone and expect them to get you things. If you want to get everyone excited about your pregnancy, email friends and family an ultrasound picture. It may remind them that they wanted to get you a gift
FWIW, this is also our first baby, but I have figured that we wouldn't have a shower and would be responsible for buying most of our own things. Being so far we are also missing out on hand me downs. That's life.
Yeah, sorry ... i love the idea of a virtual shower, but don't think it's appropriate to throw your own. Ask a friend to do it?
I didn't have a baby shower of any sorts with my dd. If family and friends wanted to send a gift they did. If they didn't want to that was fine to. I would never ask someone for a gift, that is just tacky.
Remember, when a couple has a baby only their lives are supposed to change and that includes being responsible for everything that baby needs. Starting from day one.
What a surprise, the other gift-grabber is in support of your online shower idea.
She says in her post thta this is her SECOND baby. Many people do not even have showers for baby number 2.
I didn't have a shower since I Live far away from family. Those that wanted to get me sh!t asked for my registery.
That simple. =D
By lilenatalem at 2012-01-28
I think it's great that you are asking for opinions on this. The fact that you are asking means you want perspectives so that you will not offend your friends and family.
Unfortunately, I do think an online baby shower would offend the majority. I'd have a serious talk with family, explain the situation and get my tail back to Ohio for a shower if in such desperate need of baby things.
People will be offended by the virtual shower and you'll likely end up getting nothing at all.
Having two showers myself, one locally and the other where I grew up (4 hours away from where I live), I opted to register for smaller things and purchase big ticket items personally. Some family members/family friends are dismayed that I didn't put big ticket items, as well as a lot of items on the registry, but I didn't want to offend anyone. They say my list is short.....
My crib, change table, etc. are expensive and I didn't want to burden anyone with those costs, even if they were to pool $ together.
People will always have an opinion, and I'd prefer to err on the side of safety, rather than have people call me greedy and offend them.
I also am excited to receive gifts from the heart and love seeing what people choose to give, without going off of a list. A registry is a guide in an inquiry is made, not a mandate.
Best wishes, hope it all works out.
Not okay to throw your own shower. However, if you talk with your family about it, I'm sure they'll want to throw you one. It's usually just assumed for the first child that the family will throw a shower, so just mention that you're not sure if you'll be able to come back or not & see where the convo leads.
Also, I know that reasonably, I'm not going to get everything on my registry, so I've started scouring craigslist early to get as many great deals as possible! I'm getting a bassinet for $35 & already got a Bumbo & tray for $25. Many things are practically brand new because people got so many things from their registry & never used them much!
LOL. Your first mistake. Posting about baby showers on the bump. People on here are psycho about baby shower 'rules' lol
Anywayyy! It all depends on how your family is! Are they laid back? Stuck up? You know your family and friends better than we do. You know how THEY will take it. Who cares about what everyone else thinks.
My family would be okay with it. My ILs sent a large gift card for DD when they found out we were having a baby shower (they had just moved away)
I'm sorry, I know living away from your family can be tough. Mine is on the side of the country.
Obviously. You don't have a shower for your second, third, etc baby.
Inappropriate to 1) throw your own shower, 2) announce where you are registered or 3) have a gift-giving party without you present. For showers, people come and enjoy company, games, food, etc AND give the new mom a gift. An "online shower" sounds like they just send you a gift, without being properly hosted.
You can definitely register, as I'm sure people will want to buy you items even without the shower hint, and then you can also get a registry completion discount.
40/112
Don't agree with this. I mean, some stores actually send out little slips for you to include in invitations annoucing where you are registered... I agree with most of the things people have said as far as what's tasteful, but not this. That's just ridiculous IMO.
40/112
Just because the stores might give you something to give your friends/family doesn't mean it's okay. It's still rude. Stores don't care about etiquette, they just want the business, so of course they're going to make it easy for you to get people to buy things from them.
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
HAHAHAHA Ugh. I'm calling BullSh*t On that one. Do you know how many people have asked me where I'm registered? If it's so rude why would my guests ask ME. Why would every store provide a registry. What are baby shower/wedding shower registry lists a huge hide and seek game now? All my guests have to run from store to store to find my registry! lmao Whoever comes to the party with the list gets the prize ;-)
Are you serious? Please tell me you meant something else cause you sound like an idiot. THANKS!
I took it to mean that it's rude to give the info out without being prompted. Obviously if people ask you can tell them. But it's not like you would just send a mass email out to all your family and friends and say "I'm registered here, please buy me stuff"
LCT - 5.15.14 ~ 9lbs, 22.5 inches
It's fine to have an online baby shower as long as you only expect people to send you virtual gifts.
Asking people to buy you stuff is tacky. Period.
I haven't checked this message thread since I originally posted, but I checked back in today to see where things have gone and I agree with the original poster's secondary comment.
First off, I feel the need to comment on my original post. I know MOST people did not insult her when they said that it wasn't a good idea. I did, however, notice a few choice posts which had nothing to add to the conversation; they just came on to say something about her being incredibly rude and that she should never have gotten pregnant. I considered those fairly insulting and a little inappropriate for the thread. However, those that did things like call it "tacky" but explain in a calm and non-condescending tone were the types of posts I'd expect from a well-reasoned adult crowd. It speaks to the nature of the "insulting" group that a few chose only to add their two cents after my post just to insult ME.
As for the second portion of my post, which one of these folks felt the need to repost in order to call me a gift-grabber, I feel the need to clear up a few things. I did register for the things that I wanted for kid 2 (it's a measly 16 items, including mostly little things like the diapers I like and some bathing supplies) and I did tell everyone about it (by everyone, what I really meant was my close family). Whether or not I had registered, people were going to buy me baby supplies at Christmas time (and before the baby came). Registering for what I want and telling people about it isn't being a gift-grabber, it's being sensible, because now they know what I want and need.
And, to the original poster, should she ever return to this thread, I still say go for it. As a fellow poster said (since others seem to think my advice is bad), it'll depend on how your family would react. While my family isn't tech saavy enough to pull any of the more complicated online versions off, if I'd been far away for the first one, they'd have been completely supportive (and perhaps even pushy) of having me ask for gifts anyway. When we had our shower for the first one, most of the family that was too far away sent us gifts too. As much as some people think that you should be able to afford all the supplies yourself, everyone expects to have a baby shower to get a bunch of the supplies. Having moved far away from family hardly seems like a reason not to be able to have that experience (even if not for the gifts, a baby shower is a wonderful experience, similar to that of a bridal shower... everyone deserves one).
And, one last comment. Another poster stated that you NEVER have a shower for anything except your first child. That's technically incorrect. While it is generally considered in poor taste to have one for a second child when you already have a child, there are a few situations in which a baby shower is acceptable for additional children:
- If there is a significant gap between children so that most supplies need to be repurchased (for example, my SIL just had a baby shower for her 4th child since it'd been 5 years since her last and she'd given almost all of her supplies away)
- If the child is not of the same gender as previous children so that certain supplies need to be repurchased (this should be a little shower in which ONLY things like clothing and necessities are requested)
- BIG ONE: If the family is supportive of having another baby shower because they want a chance to shower you with gifts another time. Remember that showers don't need to involve big gifts. Some folks who throw these types of showers ask guests to bring something like diapers and wipes (always need more of those), or perhaps everyone brings a frozen homemade meal for the couple to reheat after the baby comes (or maybe coupons for babysitting or other cutesy things like that).
The baby shower isn't just about getting gifts, it's about celebrating a new life. The first child isn't the only one worth celebrating.
And before anyone decides to say that I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not making these up. I found these "rules" online at several different advice websites during a search to see whether it was appropriate to throw a second shower for a friend of mine a few months back.
PS: Apologies for the long post.
It seems like I'm one of the few that actually think it's OK, so here's some relief: As a military spouse, away from family & friends, I had to work with my mother in-law on putting together my baby shower. She & my mom put it together, but since they don't know our military friends or old high school friends, we spread the word. The baby shower turned out just fine, and neither of our mom's (who are very opinionated) thought the way we did it was tacky or inappropriate. You have to adjust to your own personal situation.
If you don't get home, you can still make it known where you are registered & hope that your family & friends are gracious enough to buy off of your registry. Being so far from family makes it less likely that you'll receive many gifts since there's no actual baby shower, so do not get your hopes up. It still doesn't hurt to give it a shot. I knew another military wife who spread the word on FB that she was having a child & her & her husband simply asked for gift cards. They didn't mention a dollar amount or anything. In the end they were lucky enough to get enough gift cards to buy the items on their own time...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an "online baby shower" b/c it's not a get together & people may get you items at any time. I think your best bet is to do the gift card thing like my friend did, and have your family & friends at home spread the word for you. Another idea might be to have a welcoming baby party after the birth once you guys can get back to OH.
I certainly understand the issue of a move, but I would have someone else be in charge of sending out the invite. I did this a few years back for someone, and it was a great success. We invite anyone who lived out of town, and just made it more or less like a pregnancy announcement, where we listed the registry and shared good thought for the expecting mother and upcoming bundle of joy.
Or the other option is just to registry somewhere and just share it with people who do ask. You personally can purchase necessaties for the time being, and consignment shops do cut the cost down considerably.
The issue is not whether someone has a registry - the issue is sending out an e-invitation for an event that doesn't exist (i.e., the baby shower/party) and asking for gifts. That's what makes the proposed "invitation" gift-grabby - the gift giver doesn't even get the benefit of a luncheon or meal as thanks for their support of the parents-to-be. I'm not sure why this is difficult to understand.
That being said, I think the previous suggestion of starting a blog on the progress of your pregnancy is a brilliant idea - you could send out an e-mail with the link to your blog to all of the people who are important to you, just saying that since you are now so far away from everyone and it's hard to keep in touch, that you thought this is the best way to do it. On the blog, you can have a link to a page showing your registry information - that way, it's not about asking for gifts; it's about sharing this experience and celebrating with your friends and family.
Hi, Acorlew7:
What a coincidence!!! I also just moved to Texas from Ohio! Where did you move from/to? I moved from Columbus to Pearland (just south of Houston). I am in the exact same boat that you are, and I think that everyone bashing your idea needs to put themselves in your shoes.
I just moved here. I have absolutely no friends or family. My closest relative lives in Atlanta which is 14 hours away. This is also our first baby and we need a lot of stuff also. I don't think it's rude at all. First, most all of your friends and family WANT to have a shower for you, but know it's not possible when you live across the country. Second, to even think that you can find a reasonable plane ticket back home is a joke (I know, I've looked) and even if you could, how are you supposed to put all your gifts on a plane back to Texas? The answer is, you can't.
I think an einvite is perfectly fine. To all the others who are snubbing their noses at this idea, I say try and walk a mile in someone else's shoes. It's really hard to be so far away from friends and family. It's even harder when you're pregnant for the first time and you don't really know what to do.
Acorlew7, I'm sure your family/friends would appreciate it because at least now they know what you want! They're going to send you gifts regardless, so you might as well let them know what you want.
Okay, so I guess I have a somewhat similar situation. However we did it for just family members and very close friends. Our family is all very spread out. Because of this and after talking to many family members we had a mail-in baby shower for my sister. Pick a weekend when you will "host" the shower. Try to have a close friend or one family member you can have come that weekend. Then invites were sent out in the mail along with a blank sheet of "baby paper" Each guest, should they choose to participate then send the gift right around that weekend as well as sending back what they want to say to you or the baby, which can then be put in a baby book later. That way all packages come at once and you are scheduled to open them on a certain date. Your guest will write down what you got and take pictures and you can pamper yourself that weekend. We went and got pedicures, ate out, etc. That way it is still fun and special for you and your guests, who can also call that weekend, knowing that you will be opening their gift to you. This just worked for us and is a different idea than just an e-shower.