"Me" Time — The Bump
Atlanta Babies

"Me" Time

UGA Bride brought this up in an earlier post and I thought it deserved a bump up in the topics. I think it's a pretty important discussion.

She said: 

"This is a whole other topic, but does anyone else feel like if you go and do something (anything) and leave the kid(s) at home with your spouse, that of course your spouse deserves some time as well?  Well, I hate feeling like I "spent" my time away doing something that wouldn't be fun for me...I'd get home and DH would be all "here ya go!"  Bleh."

Steph, my response is, "Yes. I feel the same way." We end up in a lot of tit-for-tat situations where he's out every Friday night to go running and I haven't had a night out of the house in weeks (mostly because I'm pooped lately). He has no problem telling me to go have fun, but part of me feels guilty if he doesn't get the same chance.

But in the same vein, WW is about self-maintenance and preservation. I pretty much expected my DH to give me a pass on any "me time matching." My WW meetings fell outside of fun time. Just like going to a doc appt.

But about the WW meetings, I was so hung up on losing the weight and getting to a fierce, skinny me, that the one hour spent was well worth it to me. :)

 

Lil' G was born April 25, 2008! Big C was born September 28, 2011! Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Re: "Me" Time

  • K&P414K&P414 member

    We struggle with this on about a million different levels.  One is that my husband and I do not share a 50/50 mentality when it comes to the kids.  He is a great dad and does tons of stuff with the girls but if I ever have something come up where he *has* to keep them he acts like he is babysitting.  Alot of that is his frustration w/ my lack of time management i.e. screwing around while I'm kid free and then wanting him to stay home with them while I go to the grocery store.  But another problem is that I prioritize time for myself to do things I enjoy and he doesn't realize that I have to plan for stuff while he just does whatever he wants.  He doesn't go to the gym or make an effort to get together with his guy friends.  But he does play/coach a sh!tton of soccer yet it never occurs to him to ask me to watch the girls while he goes and plays a game or even think about checking in with me if his schedules change or whatever.  It drives me bonkers and leaves me with zero sympathy when he pouts if I dart out of the door and leave him with 2 whiny kids.

    He weighs whatever I need to go do the same whether it is a meeting for work, dinner with my girlfriends, a hair appointment, doctors appt, etc.

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  • I get a lot (a LOT) of "you stuck me with the kids" from DH.  Excuse me but he was there when they were made so if I need to go do something then well, tough noogies they are his kids, too.  My job is NOT supposed to be 24-7 just like his job is not supposed to be 24-7.  But in all honesty if I want girl time I bypass the argument stage and just take them to my Mom's or just lump it if she can't watch them bc asking MIL has become a soul sucking experience likening to a Dementor.
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  • I don't know, I think its a pendulum in our house.  Sometimes I feel like its all me time and he gets none.  Then there are times when I think he's getting a lot of time and I am dying for a pedicure.  Lately, the last few months, I think we've found a happy medium.   He plays tennis on the weekends and has golfed a few times in the last month, and he swims during the week.  I have gotten a few nights out with the girls and some times he'll just let me go off and do all the shopping by myself with no kids and no him.   (And that may not be "fun", but I do appreciate that time to myself.  I get a starbucks and I stroll slowly though the farmers market or wherever.)  Plus we have the baby sitter come once a week and I can run errands without the kids or just walk through the mall. 

    I try not to take any of my time "off" for granted.   I do love my kids and spending time with them, but those me times recharge me for the week.  

    And he's never made me feel like "I watched the kids so you could do xyz, so now its my turn to go out."   

  • I think I get much more "me" time than DH. He is so good about coming home from work and taking Abigail and I'll have time to myself to just sit and watch tv, the internet or go to the store, or whatever. I also have the time she's at school and nap time to myself. Especially when DH is working, he'd rather come home and spend time with Abigail than go out. He's so tired and just wants to be home. And he loves his time with Abigail. And encourages all the time to go out with friends so he can have a night with just Abigail. Every now and then, he'll go out with his brother to a sports bar to watch a game of some sort and play pool, but that's not very often. I try to get him to do it more often, but he doesn't really care to.

    He sounds like such a unsocial homebody, but he really isn't. He's just gone so much that he misses being home.

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    Abigail Taylor 09.18.2008


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  • I think I have it pretty good when it comes to this.  DH is a very hands on dad so he doesn't freak when he has them by himself.  I have a Christmas ornament business so I am pretty MIA during November and December so that makes me feel so bad that I pretty much let him do whatever he wants around that time.  And he is really big into hunting and will go away for the whole weekend many times during the year to his hunt club in AL.  So that makes him feel bad so he doesn't say a word when I want to get together with my friends or go shopping for 2 hours on a Saturday. 
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  • We only have one day a week where we are both off. So if I take me time I sacrifice family time. It is tough to get over the "mom guilt" that comes with that. So neither of us get much alone time. Forget about trying to do something just the two of us. We don't have a regular babysitter. We didnt do anything for our anniversary. I do get me time during the summer because L goes to dc part time and I have summers off. But I usually use that time for chores, errands and such. We do encourage each other to do stuff. But I think we both feel guilty about it.
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  • the "me" time and the "we" time keeps us alive!  I'm really lucky in that my husband is 100% hands on, he has never batted an eye about taking 1, 2 or 3 children anywhere for any amount of time by himself.  I'm also a wedding planner part-time which means I'll be gone for an entire Saturday.  I know this is super rare and that I am suepr lucky, but if he wasn't that way we probably wouldn't have had three kids!  lol!  anyway, we are really good about makign sure we each get our me time and we are really good about getting our we time.  we have no problems getting a sitter so we can go out without them, but we also make we time after the kids go to bed.  not every night, but often enough.  no one should feel guilty for getting their me time though because you gotta do it to re-fill your patience cup!
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  • To be fair to my DH, he's a really hands-on dad, especially with the boys.  He's really not a huge baby person, but that seems to come more from the fact that I nurse and am pretty much a baby-hog :)  It's also not like he is going out a lot (hardly ever), but it's just hard to coordinate both of us getting done what we need to do while the other one watches all the kids (we both play tennis, need haircuts, yardwork is a major timesuck for DH, grocery shopping, etc).  He's usually pretty happy for me to go out with the girls any time, so that's never a problem.  I am probably underestimating that he wouldn't "give me a pass on me time matching" for something like WW meetings, he was really supportive of me last time when I was running a lot (but we only had the boys then, I guess I feel like I am asking more of him to keep up with an infant who prefers nursing on top of that...hard for me to relax or focus much knowing that one person is having to deal with all three on their own, again mainly because Lauren is exclusively BF and not really used to bottles).  Even when DH and I get a night out, we always have BOTH my parents here so that they can trade off on the kiddos to get them all in bed. 

    I wouldn't wish L's babyhood away for anything, except maybe to make it a bit easier to get away :)

    Jack 3.5.07 / Ethan 9.17.08 / Lauren 4.3.11 image
  • I understand the dilemma, but never feel bad about taking time fot WW or exercise. It's beneficial for the health of mind, body, and spirit.

    I don't feel bad since DH gets his "me" time when he is traveling. It's good for him to have his own daddy-daughter time too. I do sometimes feel guily I don't spend enough time with him when he's home though.

  • My DH gets a big gold shiny star in this area. He is awesome!

    Even before we had Trevor, he was great about me going out with the girls. Since the baby has been born, I have gone back to work part-time so I have no lunch breaks or anything like that. DH really seems to empathize with me and understand what it is like to not even have a lunch break to yourself during the day. He really tries to give me some extra "Me" time without expecting me to reciprocate.

    A few weekends ago I went out on a Sunday afternoon while both kids were sleeping to shop a little and pick up some groceries. When I came back he had cleaned up the whole living room and sun room area. In my younger years I never would have thought I would find a man who cares for his kids and cleans so sexy ;)

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  • We're pretty lucky in this area, too.  DH is sort of a homebody, so sometimes I feel the need to "make" him go out and relax with his buddies.  But he is totally hands-on with Mia, so he's always helping or taking her so I can have my own time to go out or even just sleep!

    I think the most important thing with us is that we are pretty open with each other and about how we're feeling.  If one of us is burned out, it's not a surprise and the other takes over so either he or I can recharge.  It's not tit-for-tat or unfair that way.

     
    EDD 1/8/10 - our sweet sunshine DD born 12/30/09
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  • We were struggling with this before but finally figured out a schedule for times like these and still taking care of two kids. "Me" and "We" times are critical.

    A few of the things we learned:

    - Just do it and schedule it. We made it a point to prioritize our healthy and alloted time for each of us to spend to work out. I do most of my runs at lunch at work but on weekend. I get the saturday morning run and DH does his Sunday morning long runs. He also runs Tuesday and Thursdays and those day I pick up the kids. By the time get home, he's finishing up his run.

    -We encourage each other to make it to events that friends invite us to go to. I also notice that if you really try to go to these, friends will always think of inviting u. We used to say No all the time and noticed that we werent getting invited anymore :) Also, we both have better weeks at home when one gets to go out.

    -We try to make meals simple on nights or days that we are going out with friends. We also schedule stuff that day and plan things better.

     

     

  • imagemingaling1:

    We're pretty lucky in this area, too.  DH is sort of a homebody, so sometimes I feel the need to "make" him go out and relax with his buddies.  But he is totally hands-on with Mia, so he's always helping or taking her so I can have my own time to go out or even just sleep!

    I think the most important thing with us is that we are pretty open with each other and about how we're feeling.  If one of us is burned out, it's not a surprise and the other takes over so either he or I can recharge.  It's not tit-for-tat or unfair that way.

    My dh is like this too. Part of it is that he is pretty quiet and doesn't have many guy friends here (due to being quiet and not working) and part of it is that he actually likes being at home - although I so wish for him that he would meet some cool guys he could go have a beer or 2 with, just to get him out! But he is so great to me and doesn't care when I make plans, or want to go to the gym, or whatever.

    But we are also lucky because my parents are close by and we get free babysitters pretty often so we get time alone together too! 

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  • imagemingaling1:


    I think the most important thing with us is that we are pretty open with each other and about how we're feeling.  If one of us is burned out, it's not a surprise and the other takes over so either he or I can recharge.  It's not tit-for-tat or unfair that way.

     

    This is very true of us too. B golfs once a week and that is his time to unwind and have a few hours to himself. I don't feel like I need a ton of time but, anytime I do it's never an issue. B is always great about it. We talk a lot so if one or the other is ever feeling the need to have some time, we can just make it happen for each other. 

  • Oh , and with "we" time, we are so blessed to have both sets of parents within 15 minutes of us. So we get plenty of "we" time. Whether its just movies, dinner, or traveling with him when he's working. Like we're going on vacation to Cancun next week, then we get back and home for a day or two then, DH heads back to work to Israel and I'm going with him.
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    Abigail Taylor 09.18.2008


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  • care99care99 member
    This is a constant struggle for DH and I - neither one of us get much 'me' time and there is definitely little to no 'we' time.  Aside from our anniversary, I'd say we've only gone out once or twice all year.  Our jobs are very demanding and we work every night after the kids are in bed.  It's pretty stressful and has really taken a toll on me lately, I have to admit.
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