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March 2011 Moms
How are you and your DH/DF/DB doing relationship-wise?
I'm asking because the formerly unthinkable has happened to our relationship 
We have drifted apart. It's not serious, but it's obvious. Before the birth of our precious daughter, we had the most loving and intimate relationship ever. Now, we still tell each other we love each other and exchange a few pecks and hugs and even had some sex not that long ago, but it's NOT the same it used to be. I feel so sad about it because I moved thousands of miles away - to another country - in order to be with him and he also gave up a lot to be with me - that's how much we loved/love and cherished/cherish each other. I need that intensity back!!! Yesterday night I thought of how much I miss that closeness. Now, he's gone to see his friend and I feel so lonely ... Ah, I really didn't think this was going to happen considering how incredibly in love we were prior to Stella's arrival.
We are still the best of friends and do truly love each other, but the touchy feely fuzzy wuzzy aspect of it seems to be largely gone.
Anyone going through something similar? The fact that I'm many kilos above my pre-pregnancy weight and have some truly child-bearing hips thesedays doesn't seem to help my confidence, which in turn results in me not feeling as touchy feely anymore ... Geh! I'm so totally fishing for sympathy and pat on the back here. 
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Re: How are you and your DH/DF/DB doing relationship-wise?
We haven't drifted apart, and we have always been busy and had to make time for each other, but our relationship has seen a strain since Landon was born.
It's been really hard. I think the fact that he spent the past month home with Landon while I worked helped him relate more to me.
And we still continue to have good communication, so that is good.
Things are getting easier for us.
Life of mrsjanks
There is definitely a change in our relationship, but you have to expect that when adding another very needy person to your household! We definitely snap at each other more, mostly in those sleep deprived moments, but always apologize later. DH always says that 3 am is his least favorite time because we're NOT nice to each other!
We have been lucky to have had a few dates out...also, when i'm feeling like i've been on baby duty for too many hours in a row we talk about it and he tends to help out (like when he comes home from work and goes straight to work on something in the house and doesn't help with anything that evening). He usually has a glass of wine or beer waiting for me once DS goes down
I just don't want us to build up resentment by feeling that the other isn't helping out so we have to communicate.
We definitely have not been as busy in the sheets as we used to...i'm tired, he has school work, I usually have to initiate because I feel like he thinks i'm too tired or he's too preoccupied with something else (we're fixing up our house). We'll get back into the groove!
I could've wriiten this exact post. I've been with H for 14 years! I feel like there is this big gap between us now. I think a lot of it has to do with lack of sex. I am just not in the mood and don't exactly feel good about myself right now. Plus I'm so ditracted about the baby. We don't have any family down here and I haven't trusted her with any friends yet. Maybe in a month or 2.
I don't know what to do. I love my H so much.
You are not alone at all! I mentioned something about this on a FB post yesterday abour bathing baby. Dh is going through a very hard time right now. He is depressed and has started medication. Things started to get tougher right before I found out we were pregnant! We started trying in May and things started going downhill about July, when I was already pregnant with DS. As far as intimace goes, I am the one who has to ask for it, and even then he will turn me down.....this can only go on for so long until you start to feel rejected and resentful. I feel resentful as well b/c I feel like we should be happy with our blessings right now and he is just snappy, unhelpful and down all of the time. I know that the depression is taking over, but I just want to slap him out of it.
He is coming home today from his 3 weeks away at work and I will soon open the subject of counseling....our communication is nonexistent right now and he acts annoyed with me any time I try to talk to him or ask him something. He takes offense to the simplest of statements, even when I am trying to be nice! So frustrated right now. I think the baby can sense these things too and that makes me feel bad. It's a vicious cycle!
It's hard, which I think is obvious by all the responses. I can tell so many of us are in the same boat - we're in love, but missing something, and it's heartwrenching. I don't think it's related to how many years you've had together - DH and I have been together 9 years, and it's still a noticeable difference pre-baby and post-baby.
H and I did really well in the early stages, when DD was very young. We were a strong team and we stuck together through the awful stress of those first few weeks. We kept lines of communication open and leaned on each other.
But things have changed. H went back to work, and try as I might not to, I have started feeling some resentment. Because I'm home, he has started to stop contributing to taking care of the house and doing his errands like he used to. At first I didn't mind so much, but caring for an infant is no walk in the park. I had a breakdown over the weekend - DD was being tough and I was crying a lot. H thought it was because I was getting frustrated with her and feeling bad about it, when really it was because I haven't had a break in four months. There is always something to do, and I can never get everything done. It's a struggle to fit in a shower, and yet he expects me to do all his household errands in addition to mine AND care for the baby 24/7? I was totally overwhelmed.He apologized and said that he realizes that he's been too wrapped up in his own life to keep up on his chores and he knows it's putting unnecessary pressure on me. But I don't know if things will change.
I also haven't been away from DD for more than a trip to the grocery store. DH and I did one dinner out by ourselves so far. DD is the boss, she runs my life and I'm feeling like I'm losing my independence, and placing blame on him for it. We hardly have sex. It's still totally uncomfortable for me, but even worse, I just couldn't care less about sex. There's just no spark, nothing to make me want to get intimate.
I mean, we're still best friends and I love him and love spending time with him, but there does seem to be a sort of wedge between us lately. I need to tell him about my feelings and we need to start spending more time alone together. I think things will go back to normal, I do. We all need to give ourselves a bit of a break and realize that what we're doing is a huge job, and that we're physiologically wired to transfer our love to our children. It's natural. It doesn't mean we stop loving our husbands, but it does mean that it becomes harder to focus on a romantic relationship when the mother-child relationship monopolizes so much of our time and emotion.
Hang in there, mommas. We're not alone!
I think we are doing pretty good in all aspects. It has not been easy but try to let each other know when help is needed. We did have a talk a couple weeks ago about being intimate. He was getting frustrated by the lack of it on my part. He didn't realize that I was having body image issues, so glad we had the talk. I asked him to be more patient with me and that I would try to be more laxed about it. Its not like we weren't being together it was just spaced out more than it used to be. He thought I was losing interest in us/him. It has gotten better and I realized that I was ignoring him a little in that dept but wasn't trying to it just happened that way. We used to fight all the time and took a long time to get married. been together for 11 yrs but married for almost 3. another reason we waited to have kids....to make sure we were going to last.
I have come to accept that the house will not always be as clean as I like it if it means we spend time together in the evenings as a family. I do almost of the cleaning/cooking and always have, he does have his little things but I tend to let them slide, but may start dropping hints here and there to remind him to put things away, etc. We were talking about a schedule so we can get some exercise time in for both of us. have him cook a night or 2 so I can work out and not have to worry about DD. We haven't done it yet as he is studying for a big test at work but hope to get something going soon.
Hang in there ladies! We all need some reassurrance. we are far from the perfect couple so don't think this is a brag in any way.
the bf and i are currently in the middle of a conversation (emailing) about this right now. we have a big dry erase board in our room where we write down our schedule for the week. but i started added a weekly quality time thing to do and after ours last week i'm so irritated with him i don't even want to bother anymore. the three of us went out to the town centre area and pushed addy around and ate dinner on the patio somewhere but he was on his phone the whole time and he goes "well you didnt say it was a cell free zone". really?!
its just hard because i work and he stays at home so as soon as i get in he hands over addy to do whatever he wants and i don't have a break or i'm tired and take a nap with addy but i don't think we've really made the effort to do things together i just sort of shutdown and he's a guy and doesn't realize anything is the issue.
it's not a giant issue to where we are yelling and screaming, theres just actually nothing going on, which isn't great either.
well i could have written about this myself today too.... just had a huge blowout with DH. just another incident where i'm being left alone with LO while he helps out someone else/does lawnwork/you name it. i feel like i'm the only one prioritizing the baby. and i'm echoing what everyone else on here is saying about the closeness being gone and i agree with what one poster wrote - with the baby (and dog!) there just isn't enough of me to go around sometimes... it's a lot to handle emotionally. as much as i DO NOT want to go back to work, i think i would build up way too much resentment being a SAHM. my fear is that me going back full-time isn't going to change anything and i'm going to still be expected to do everything i'm doing now plus a 50 hr work week and i honestly don't know how our marriage is going to handle that.
Skio could not have explained my feelings better.
We also have other added strains. DH applied for a position, the one he actually has training for and experience in back in August. He HATES what he does now. Always has but took it after he got laid off just to get his foot in the door. He and I both know if it wasn't for DS or my seizures he would have quit long ago and found something else to do that he enjoys. Admitting that helps but it doesn't change the fact that he hates his job and has some unavoidable resentment. Fortunately one year later, it looks like there may be hope of him finally transferring. If he doesn't get the transfer we've already agreed to go to counseling. He's incredibly depressed and cranky all the time.
On top of hating his job he has night school which he does partially for himself but largely for us. Without the GI Bill we'd be financially sunk. Yes we could get food stamps, yes we could go on welfare, yes we could get subsidized assistance such as WIC or daycare. Civil servants get paid chump change but we are determined to get by ourselves, without assistance.
We go apply for my student loan tomorrow for when I finally start my dental program next month. I know the loan will help us greatly. Not just financially but stress wise. One less thing to worry about.
Oh and DS still waking at least 3 times a night doesn't help things
You couldn't have said it better. I will go back after a 6 month leave at the end of August. Before DS was born, I would stay at work late, go in early, basically pull 10 hour days and grade papers on the weekend. I know that's definitely NOT happening especially because our child care is 8-5.
That being said, DH is also out of the habit of cleaning up around the house. I do what I can during nap times when I'm not eating/ showering. I mentioned hiring a cleaner once a month to do a huge cleaning because I know it's going to be stressful when I return to work...wow...that did NOT go over well!
No matter what it's HARD. having a baby is an adjustment and your relationsip needs to adjust as well. This should be differant-I think they would be weird it they weren't. I have to say that our relationship hasn't changed.just the day to day stress has which makes it feel like sometimes strained...think about it you are tired, he's tired, you are trying to do it all, and we are all so focused on our little ones that it's easy for our relationships to take a back seat. It's not just my relationship with DH thats a bit strained right now. I think once you all make those adjustments it will settle...i think it may or may not ever be the same but I think of how happy this little one makes us.
I think we should all commit to starting some date nights with our hubbys...and if all esle fails talk about how you are feeling. DH and I seemed so mad at eachother recently and it was because BOTH of us felt like we were doing everything and top it off with us passing eachother in the morning and evening didn't help.
For me, going back to work really helped. I am a teacher, but I did have 3.5 weeks of work at the end of the year (had Landon at 39 weeks and didn't have enough leave to stay out with pay). DH is also a teacher, so he's been off all summer. I worked for 5 weeks at a summer school while DH stayed home with Landon. It was rough, but he defintaely "gets" it more now.
And he has a much better bond with Landon, which helps things all around.
As much as I hate for Landon to start daycare, I can't wait to go back to work.
I love him to pieces, but I could never be a SAHM.
Life of mrsjanks
Boys are so clueless. When my hubby acts like that I plop DS in his lap and tell him what's what.
me too! and then he says "all you had to do was ask". Um... how about you use your eyes and your ears and maybe even your BRAIN to understand that I need help.