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Breastfeeding
rachellaura86
member
Husband's opinions and breastfeeding
rachellaura86
member
I feel like I might be in the minority here, but I need to vent. My husband is being kind of difficult in regards to BFing. He is constantly interjecting his opinions about everything. He took the breastfeeding class at the hospital with me so I think now he feels like he is an expert.
My LO is 12 days old. At 4 days old we took her to her first pediatrician visit and she had lost a bit of weight. During this time I was also struggling with breastfeeding- but it was just my first few days of motherhood!- and pediatrician assured us that a little bit of weight loss was normal. Pediatrician actually gave me some really good BFing advice that clicked and since then I have been pretty confident with BFing. LO has since been gaining weight steadily. We even had a nurse from the hospital do a home visit and observe me BF, and she marveled at what a great job I was doing! I was so proud.
My husband however is constantly questioning me and my BFing methods. One nurse mentioned that every session LO should feed 30 min from each breast. Now my husband questions me if my sessions are shorter. He was telling me tonight I should be massaging my breasts more for milk flow. LO had a really fussy night and was crying constantly. Immediately my husband said he didnt think LO was getting enough milk from me. He then told me he wants to hire a lactation consultant to come to our house tomorrow because he is worried.
I swear, I almost lost it. I know he is concerned about our LO as a father, but I kind of feel like as a man he shouldn't be interjecting so much about my BFing. As long as our LO is gaining weight, I feel like I shouldn't be constantly monitored. I also felt it was really insulting he wanted a lactation consultant to come out- just because our LO had one really fussy night. Like immediately, it's my fault and I am doing something wrong as a mother. BFing has been hard and I dont think a man can ever understand all of the changes we women go through. I finally feel confident in my abilities but I just felt shot down tonight by my husband.
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Re: Husband's opinions and breastfeeding
You are doing a great job mama!
It sounds like your H is just a nervous first-time dad. I don't think he's trying to insult you. Have you tried telling him that you appreciate his concern, but his constant comments make you feel like you're doing something wrong when you know you're not?
Babies are sometimes fussy. In fact, they're fussy a lot and that's okay. Your H will relax in time, but he's new to all of this too.
That said, there's no harm in calling the LC if it puts his mind at ease. I'm sure she will tell him that babies are just fussy sometimes.
While I understand you are feeling frustrated. But, some of the things you said are pretty jerky. It is his child too. He has a right to interject. If how he is doing it is upsetting, then talk to him about it.
Men are concrete. You might consider getting a scale so you can be sure she continues to gain regularly. That way he can chill. You need to remember he is just worried and wants what is best for her. As much as you want him to cut you some slack, you need to cut him some too.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
I disagree. Yes, you should explain to him what you're doing, why you're making certain decisions (i.e. stopping before 30 minutes per side, which is a long time). However, I found BFing to be incredibly difficult. Especially in those early days. If my H had made comments about me doing it wrong, I would've had a complete meltdown. I would suggest a heart-to-heart with him, letting him know that you need his full 100% support, and that negative comments are going to do nothing but freak you out, which is not going to aid in your BFing. If he sees a serious problem, he should get out one of your BFing books, and try to help you solve the problem. Throwing random insults about something as sensitive and personal as BFing is the opposite of helpful. I understand that he is a new dad, but he is also the husband to a mother and he needs to support both of these family members. Good luck.
It's a new Dad thing. Try your hardest not to take it as a personal attack on you. Reiterate the info the pedi gave you and as long as her weight gain is OK and she's having enough diapers, you're fine. Tell him you'd be glad to have an LC come out, but why don't you call the pedi first and have a weight check done at the office before you drop upwards of $150 for an LC visit.
My husband was so quick to offer to feed a bottle since I was pumping or offering formula, he didn't get that it was demeaning to me. Now, he understands. it's just tough when you're in the first few weeks and emotions are running high. Explain to him that even formula fed babies have fussy periods. They are new to the world and everything is frightening and overwhelming!
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
I kind of want to kick him in the fvcking nuts. Tell him to screw off unless he's going to BF this baby and what you need is support and not a bunch of questioning. Babies fuss. Get thefvuck over it!
Then again - I can be a *bit* hot headed.
I'd be pretty upset too. Give it some time. Babies have immature nervous systems and telling myself that helps me a lot. You hold them, change them, and do what you can. One thing that really helped was to have my husband put our baby in a carrier and just go walk around. That calmed them both down, gave me a bit of a break and made him feel very important. (it was awesome) It might be worth a try if you haven't done it yet.
Good luck and keep up the good work!!!
DD1: allergic to eggs & dairy
c/p 4/1/11
DD2: milk and soy protein intolerant, allergic to eggs, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, sesame, bananas
MSPI Moms Check-In Blog
My H is very similar. I had to EP for awhile and when my output wasn't keeping up he was very adament that he did NOT want his children receiving formula. Then when I was able to start BFing full-time (which is a HUGE accomplishment - be proud!) every time they were fussy he wanted to give them a bottle because he was sure they weren't getting enough milk. It got so bad that every time I left him in charge (like to jump in the shower) he would get a bottle out of my pumped milk.
It all seems to boil down to him feeling helpless to "fix" what is wrong. BFing is like silently reading a book. It's hard to tell if anything is really happening just by watching. However, it feels like an attack on you as a mother, or at least, it did to me. I know realistically that he doesn't mean it that way and I had to really spell out my frustrations to DH. I also pointed out that stress causing lower milk supply so he needed to stop stressing me out
I still think saying, "a man shouldn't be interjecting" is a little harsh. I did say she should talk to him (because it sounds like that hasn't happened). He really sounds like he is trying to be helpful. He could use better tact, but I still believe he should be able to say things about BFing. Having a penis should not automatically take away the ability to talk about BFing.
I think sometimes new moms forget how hard it is for new dads. The focus is all on the mom, but the dad is adjusting too. He needs just as much understanding as her. Hopefully sitting down and discussing HOW he could be supporting her and how is comments are making her feel will help. He probably has no clue he is hurting feelings when he says things. He is just remembering things he learned in the class and saying them.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
I am sooooo sorry! I am almost about to cry because I went through the exact same thing with my DH. He's definitely type A personality, which it sounds like your DH is too. I think it kills some men that they discover that they can't control something. God forbid. Both my kids had a lot of problems latching on and they both lost a lot of weight. I remember one morning I had gotten DS to BF for 10 minutes in a row for the first time in days (he was only a few days old at the time) and I told my DH and he was like "well that's not good enough. That won't help him gain weight." He was so discouraging- it made me feel terrible. You should tell him how irritating it is. If he can't be comforting and encouraging, tell him to keep his thoughts to himself. His comments are not helpful at all. My DH finally got better when he saw that BFing was starting to go well, DS was gaining well, and he probably liked that it was free too (I had to resort to formula with our first son, so free food was nice). But for a while, I was still kind of embarrassed about feeding the baby around him because I didn't want him to criticize something. Good luck. You should definitely speak up. He might honestly be sorry and really think he was being helpful.
That said, I'm sure he's annoying the crap outta you. Try to find ways to reassure him that baby is ok - either through showing weight gain or sitting with him while nursing so he can see when baby is done. Try to stick together. You both have the same goal!
I understand how you feel. For the first week or two, every time DS was fussy he would say "He's STARVING"! He basically made me feel like I wasn't doing a good job or giving enough to DS. I was stressing out a lot about it. I finally told him that when he said the word "starving" it really hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was a horrible mother. He stopped right away and I felt like our communication regarding DS got better.
Like PP said, he's just nervous. He can't do anything for LO, only you can, so that's probably why he's always questioning you.
You're doing great! Let him hire a LC. Make sure he expresses his concerns to the LC so he feels better. Once he realizes you are doing everything right, things should get better with him!
GL!