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November 2011 Moms
It was supposed to be Nov. 10th, not July 10th.
After all of the prayers, all of the worry, all of the joy, all of the love...
Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM. 1.05 lbs. 10.5 in. She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes she was held by her mother and loved. She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.
I do not know why, nor do I understand. They do not know why I was bleeding or contracting, or why everything happened. She was absolutely perfect. I had just heard her heartbeat 20 minutes before. A strong 150s. I can still vividly remember every detail of that morning. I was still in the hospital, on magnesium at this point to stop contractions, I got up to use the restroom, laid back in bed, and felt the weirdest feeling. It felt like someone just poped a water balloon inside of my stomach; my water had broken. Everything happened so fast, and I just remember begging and pleading for them to do something. "She is moving!! She is kicking!! Why can't you do anything?!....Give me something to make it stop! I can't stop...something is coming." My wonderful nurse and mother were the only people there. They delivered my baby. She was born. She was so so beautiful, and so perfect. Her little lungs just weren't ready. Two more weeks. I needed TWO more weeks.
Today, I would be 23 weeks pregnant with my first and only beautiful baby girl. But, today was my baby's funeral.
I have no words to describe how I feel. Those of you who have children can fathom the love a mother has for a child. I never knew I would love anything of anyone so much. I am so thankful for that feeling. I, however, am not thankful for knowing the feeling it is to have your baby taken from you.
There is a song, by Natalie Grant, called Held. Please listen to it. There is a part in the beginning that says, "To think that providence would take a child from her mother while she prays, is appalling." Is how I feel at times. I prayed, I begged, that everything would be OK. When it came time, my OK, was not the OK God had in mind.
My mind is so foggy and just numb at the moment, I really do not have much more to say. I want to leave you with something for Sofia.
One More Time
One more time
When I think of you
I always want one more time
To see you being placed in my arms
One more time
To hold you and stare at your beautiful face
One more time
To take all the picture I didn't get
One more time
To look at your tiny perfectly formed body
One more time
To see you cradled into my hands
One more time
To hold you close to me
One more time
To touch and smell your delicate skin
One more time
To have you baptized
One more time
To kiss your forehead and tell you goodbye
One more time
I've come to realize that when it comes to you, I will always want
One more time.
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Re: It was supposed to be Nov. 10th, not July 10th.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I don't even know what to say or how to even begin to understand what you are going through. You an your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posting from an Android sorry for any errors
I gasped and thought "NO, NO!" when I opened this. I am so sorry for your loss - my deepest sympathies and thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
This exactly.. I am so so sorry
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, I feel terrible about what you are having to go through. Though I do not know exactly how you are feeling I can identify a bit as I miscarried last September. Each day was difficult but it did get better. The range of emotions you are going through I am sure are not explainable. The ladies on the loss boards provided so much support for me during that time and it was nice to be among ladies who have experienced the same thing or something close. While our connection was not ideal it gave me a sense of support in some strange way. I knew that I was not alone and that I too could get through the most difficult time in my life. I am praying for your strength and peace of mind at this time. Take it day by day, make no excuses for yourself in regards to other people, and feel how you feel. Thoughts and Prayers to you my dear!
~Working Mom~Breastfeeding Mom~Cloth Diapering Mom~BLW Mom~
Blog - No Longer on the DL ~ The Man Cave
Shawn and Larissa
LO #1 - Took 2 years and 2 IVFs ~ DX - severe MFI mild PCOS homozygous MTHFR (a1298c)
LO #2 - TTC 7 months, surprise spontaneous BFP!
I am so sorry. This makes me so sad. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I am glad you were able to hold your baby girl and spend some time with her. We will be here if you need anything.
My friend lost twins at 6 months pregnant and she found a grief counseling/support group that really helped her in the beginning. I hope you will be surrounded by supportive, loving people in the months and years ahead. My heart is breaking for you. Take care of yourself.
BFP#2 3/16/11, beta 138; 4/12 Baby/HB DS born 9/10/11 at 29w4d due to partial abruption and PTL
BFP#3 8/19/13 Another boy! 17P, modified bedrest and Nifedipine helped us have a termie! DS2 born 4/19/14 at 38w5d.
ITS A BOY!!!! Born 11/13/11 BFP #4: 10/29/12 edd 7/11/12
::lurker::
I am so sorry about the death of your daughter, Sofia. It breaks my heart to hear your story. I was peeking on this board b/c I lost a baby due in Nov.
Please come to the Misc./Pregnancy Loss board or TTC after a Loss board for support when you feel up to it. These boards have saved my sanity more than once.
My heart is as open as the sky.
Read about it on the blog
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.