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Natural Birth
bluerevolution9
member
trip to hospital, shook my confidence (long)
bluerevolution9
member
On Friday morning, just while I was eating breakfast, I started having server shooting, stabbing pains in the top of my belly. The pain got so bad I was on the floor crying. Luckily DH was home, and he called my midwife. I knew it wasn't contractions, and I was scared. I felt a gush of fluid too, and started to get really worried. The pain lasted about 45 minutes. It took a while to get ahold of my MW because she was in the middle of a birth, but when I talked to her she said to get to the hospital right away. I had soaked through my underwear and was getting really nervous. DH and I drove right away to the hospital (5 min away). We got to L&D and by then the pain had stopped. I explained to them what had happened at home, and told them I know it wasn't contractions, but a very different kind of pain. They took my blood pressure (which was boarder line high) temp (normal) tested my urine (normal) and had me wear a special pad that turns blue if amniotic fluid gets on it (turned out negative). Then they had me on a monitor for 30 min (everything was fine, no contractions). All that time they wouldn't allow DH to be with me. THey made him wait in the waiting room. I repeated my hypnobabies affirmations to myself to stay calm.
After that I saw a doctor who did an US (I really didn't want to do an US as I am against them, but agreed because of the circumstances). The US was fine, baby was moving just fine and the doc said the amniotic sac looked fine and normal amount of fluid. Then the doctor said he wanted to do and internal check. Now this is where things got really bad for me. I have horrible associations with internal exams from past experiences. I was terrified for him to touch me. I didn't want to do it, especially because he was sure my waters hadn't broken, and I asked him why it was necessary. He said he wanted to make sure I wasn't dilated. So I finally agreed. It was painful and felt humiliating. He wasn't nice about it. The lubricant he used to check me with caused my insides to start burning. I was crying and shaking my vag was burning so bad. He said that a small group of women have a bad reaction to the gel (WHY WOULD THEY EVERY USE THAT THEN???). I asked the doctor to do a blood test (my MW said it was important because her fear is that I was developing pre-ecclampsia). He refused to do it. He said I should be getting prenatal care from a doctor, not a midwife and that if I wanted a blood test I should go to a doctor for one not come to the hospital. I felt like he was acting as if I had come to the hospital for a check up, and not because I thought anything was wrong. And like going to a MW for my prenatal care is not adequate and that I am not being responsible. what the hell?? I left the hospital feeling violated, scared, and upset. It reminded me again how much I hate the hospital near me (no other options).
I am going to see my MW today but we still don't know what the pain was. The experience in the hospital really freaked me out. I attend births there as a doula often, and I know that I have to fight for my women to get the care they deserve, and for some reason I thought that if it were me I could stand up for myself. But here I was feeling like a victim of them and couldn't make the situation better for myself. I am now terrified that if for any reason I have to transfer or change my plans from a home birth to a hospital that I will have a terrible experience.
I know this sounds like a hormonal mess.....sorry for such a long vent, but I really have this horrible fear of the hospital. I had it before this experience, and now I feel like this just reinforced my fears and made it all worse. I didn't feel safe there. I know that the need for a transfer can be a real reality in planning a home birth, and I don't know how to cope with that now. I am more afraid of having to go to the hospital to give birth now, than I am of pain, labor, or anything else. I just don't know how to get past this now so that it doesn't cause problems I don't want to spend the next 8 weeks fearing giving birth because I am afraid of the hospital.
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Re: trip to hospital, shook my confidence (long)
I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience.
Is there a way you can make sure you won't have to deal with that particular doctor again in case of a transfer?
The problem is that I can't control what doctor would see me there if I did have to be transfered, and having attended about 15 births at that hospital I know that most of the doctors are the same sadly.
You really need to get your fear in check. By telling yourself that the hospital is going to be terrible, just like women who tell themselves labor is going to hurt more than they can handle, you're setting yourself up for failure. Be realistic about what you went through and what you can expect from the hospital and try to stay calm and focused.
I'm sorry the exam was uncomfortable, but a lot of women describe them as being that way no matter who they're done by. It's not abnormal to have a reaction to the lubricant, but they have to use something so as to be gentle. Now that you know you're allergic to it, put that in your birth plan so everyone who might need to know won't use it.
It's odd that they wouldn't let your DH be there, but I'm doubtful that would be the case if you guys got sent there during the birth. Did you ask?
The dr wasn't necessarily in the wrong to refuse your blood test because you're not his patient for normal care. Why hasn't your MW run the test herself if she's worried?
You need to be realistic that while in all likelihood your birth will be totally uneventful, it's possible that you'll end up at the hospital and if a US and an exam made you feel this shaken, giving birth there could be very difficult. The more stressed you are the more tense you'll be, and less likely you'll be able to do what you need to (relax!) to get the baby out. Remind yourself that you CAN do this, no matter where you end up, and no doctor or hospital can make you feel otherwise! A lot of it is in your head and you sound really scared. Fear feeds into itself and produces more fear and tension.
You can do it!