Trying to Sort out Feelings... Help?

fyziksgirl · July 2011

TricksyPixie:
Thanks for your point of view! I understand in some situations you have to grow up quickly. I guess my life situation is similar, I had a very trying life that forced me to grow up. Not to mention, I've always been different from people my age. As for degrees, I'm well on my way to an english teaching degree, my husband has a stable career and he also goes to college for a history teaching degree. =]

I have, too, and I've always been very mature for my age. I'm 25 and we're just now TTGP, which I realize many still think is young but we feel ready (and my biological clock won't STFU).

But what I came on to say was: I get it. I was mature. I didn't party, I worked FT as an engineering intern in the summers, I paid my way through college, etc, etc. But life was still so free and relaxed then relative to now, a few short years later.

I didn't realize how many options I had in college. I could take the time and study whatever I wanted! With an expert on the subject! I could control my schedule by planning what classes I took! I had so much free time I could arrange homework/work/time with future DH in! Largely, I ran my own life, more than I likely ever will again!

I wish I could go back and just enjoy it more and tell my younger self to stop looking towards/planning for the future so much. The future will arrive no matter what. Might as well enjoy the present while you're in it. It's the only chance you'll have to live like this, with all its ups and downs, so enjoy the ups!

Not to say planning for the future or looking towards it is bad. I just know I became kind of wrapped up in it, and it is about my only regret. So I wanted to throw it out there.

That said, everyone is unique, and only you know what's right for you now. But if you're having this many doubts, it sounds like you do know what that is.

brideandbreve · July 2011

Bees Everywhere:
melissa721:
TricksyPixie:

Um... First off, I've never called making love 'pop-pop,' so you must have me confused with someone else, sorry.

And as for why I asked people on the internet, I really only did it because I wanted some unbiased opinions on the matter. Everyone in my family would be biased, and both my husband and I have our own opinions. So I respect your opinions, but you should be less judgmental. It's a little rude, or at least that's how it struck me.

I reread your post about 4 times looking for this part too. I have no idea what that was about either.
It's a quote from arrested development everybody chill out. I thought SOMEBODY here would get it based on the tone on this board.
OP did you try to quote me or were you talking in general?

(I LOLed when I read you quoting Michael Bluth. Love it. Thanks for the laugh. My DH and I quote that line all the time 'cause our niece calls my FIL "Pop Pop.")

To the OP, I say this with truly the sweetest of intentions: Only you know whether you're ready to have a baby yet. If you have to question it, you're probably not ready. That's not a bad thing - it's admirable that you're being honest about your feelings. Regardless of your age, when you know you're ready to become a mother, there won't be a single factor that makes you doubt yourself. You'll know.

Some women aren't ready until they're 26. Some women aren't ready until they're 34.

My mom had me when she was 22 years old and when I was 22 years old, having a child was the scariest possibility imaginable.

You'll get there in your own time. Enjoy this wonderful life that you have now, and good luck to you.

angelsnight · July 2011

I would say your indecision is telling you to wait. Fears and nervousness is normal, but actually not being sure if you want a kid now....that's a caution sign. And being mature is great, but you'll never get these years back. I know 20 may not seem young to you now (I know it didn't when I was 20) but trust me, waiting a few years isn't going to create very many disadvanatges as far as having a kid. My husband and I have only been married for 8 months and we're TTC because we're both 32 and well, we're not getting any younger.

I'm very ready to have a kid, but I do wish I had met my husband a little sooner, so we wouldn't necessarily have to start TTC right away. Take a year or two to think about it and TTA, when that time us up reevaluate where you are. Age 22 or 23 is still a great young age to have a kid, but by then maybe you'll feel like you've had more "me" time and time with your husband. Good luck!

gberg1331 · July 2011

TricksyPixie:

I'm very mature for my age, responsible and I have no doubt in my mind I can take care of a child, although I understand it'll be difficult. I surely want a child.

Everyone thinks they are mature at 20. Most people think they are more mature than other 20 year olds. This is not the case. You may be physically ready to have a baby, and you may even have a job, but you still have so much growing to do. Have you and your DH spent quality time together? Have you traveled? Have you lived outside your hometown? Do you think you've finished school? Do you feel like you haven't had enough fun? Have you enough spent QT with your girlfriends?

If you can't answer yes to all of these questions, you're not ready. You have PLENTY of good childbearing years ahead of you. Spend some of them LEGALLY DRINKING....and then have a baby.

Shayliz · July 2011

gberg1331:
TricksyPixie:

I'm very mature for my age, responsible and I have no doubt in my mind I can take care of a child, although I understand it'll be difficult. I surely want a child.

Everyone thinks they are mature at 20. Most people think they are more mature than other 20 year olds. This is not the case. You may be physically ready to have a baby, and you may even have a job, but you still have so much growing to do. Have you and your DH spent quality time together? Have you traveled? Have you lived outside your hometown? Do you think you've finished school? Do you feel like you haven't had enough fun? Have you enough spent QT with your girlfriends?

If you can't answer yes to all of these questions, you're not ready. You have PLENTY of good childbearing years ahead of you. Spend some of them LEGALLY DRINKING....and then have a baby.

What does living outside of your hometown have to do with having a baby?

DChunt09 · July 2011

Shayliz:
gberg1331:
TricksyPixie:

I'm very mature for my age, responsible and I have no doubt in my mind I can take care of a child, although I understand it'll be difficult. I surely want a child.
Everyone thinks they are mature at 20. Most people think they are more mature than other 20 year olds. This is not the case. You may be physically ready to have a baby, and you may even have a job, but you still have so much growing to do. Have you and your DH spent quality time together? Have you traveled? Have you lived outside your hometown? Do you think you've finished school? Do you feel like you haven't had enough fun? Have you enough spent QT with your girlfriends?
If you can't answer yes to all of these questions, you're not ready. You have PLENTY of good childbearing years ahead of you. Spend some of them LEGALLY DRINKING....and then have a baby.

What does living outside of your hometown have to do with having a baby?

That's what I was thinking, Shay.

I can't answer yes to ALL of YOUR questions. I think that it's good that you have that "list" but you can't expect EVERYONE to abide by a silly set of "standards" you have. What may seem reasonable to you, may not be reasonable, or even relevant to others. I, honestly, could care less about traveling. Sure, a vacation with my family, fine but I in no way needed to travel the world before I had children. Also, I think it's funny that I have to have had enough QT with my girls before I had children. This, to me, implies that QT with girlfriends is out the window once you have a baby. I don't know what your plans are, but I still have a life. I still go out and do things!

Just sayin' that "list" may work for you and that's great, but don't think everyone needs to check those boxes before they have children.

LaraValentine · July 2011

Bees Everywhere:
melissa721:
TricksyPixie:

Um... First off, I've never called making love 'pop-pop,' so you must have me confused with someone else, sorry.

And as for why I asked people on the internet, I really only did it because I wanted some unbiased opinions on the matter. Everyone in my family would be biased, and both my husband and I have our own opinions. So I respect your opinions, but you should be less judgmental. It's a little rude, or at least that's how it struck me.

I reread your post about 4 times looking for this part too. I have no idea what that was about either.
It's a quote from arrested development everybody chill out. I thought SOMEBODY here would get it based on the tone on this board.
OP did you try to quote me or were you talking in general?

I caught the quote, though it took me reading it three times and I am a big fan of Arrested Development.

To answer the question at hand: Is it possible to have a baby at twenty and have everything turn out well? Of course. Is it something I would have chosen? No way.

I've wanted children my entire life, I have always been certain. I babysat all the neighborhood kids, then I became a live in nanny, a t.a. in an elementary school, a "big sister". But I was also very safe as I knew I was not ready to give my child everything I want to give him/her. There was more I wanted to learn, to earn, to experience, to teach. I wanted to make sure that I had years of being married under my belt, that I owned my own house, and had two reliable cars. At 27 I'm finally ready (27 1/2 now, lol) and I know the wait will be worth it. My friends who had kids early missed out on a lot and I'd like to think I've learned from their experiences... I hope you do, too.

Musicallymuma · July 2011

Hi there,

I've read through a lot of the posts, and thought I would add in what I think.

In reality, if you are totally ready, why shouldn't you have a child? I only have one reason I can think of you should wait, and that is your age. Although you are extremely mature for 20, that is extremely young to start a family.

I must tell you that I'm a bit biased. My very good friend was 20 when she got pregnant with her first child. She hadn't gone to university or anything like that, and although she absolutely loves her children with all her heart, she has confessed to me on more than one occasion that she feels as though she missed out on doing things like going to college because she had children so soon.

The other thing is that, you are definitely RIGHT...when you had a child, you won't be able to go out and buy things on a whim for yourself anymore. If that is really important to you, then you should wait until it's less important. The other thing is that you just got married a bit ago, right?

Don't rush it. I'm 30 and we are trying for our first child. There were times a few years ago where I wondered why we didn't start when we were first married (2007). However, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.

I've gone traveling, we've spent a lot of wonderful romantic times together, spent time with our friends sans kids, and really gotten to know each other inside and out. I think that sort of intimacy is very important before having a child.

No matter what you decide, good luck. You will be a wonderful mother!

Shawna

TricksyPixie · July 2011

Geez, all! Thanks for so much advice!! And to those offended by my elders comment, no, I don't mean old people! I meant older than me. Not just in years, but older in experience. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm young and I don't have much life experience, but I have seen more things than most kids my age. I've traveled, but I don't like it much. I get too tired and I miss my home too much. I don't party, and I don't like drinking or smoking or any of that. I'm a tamer type of person. The things I love can be found in the simple- I like going out into nature, in my backyard or otherwise. I like reading and drawing and making music. I don't really have girlfriends... I have a few close friends I see when I can, but really, I keep to myself a lot.

I'm so glad I got varying viewpoints. I wouldn't normally get online to ask such a question, but I find myself in conflict with myself where my heart says to go on while my brain struggles against it. It's been such a storm in me for a while, and I get so frustrated that I just wish someone, anyone could give me a definite answer. I know it's an impossibility and the answer lies in me, it's just been a difficult process for me. As a teen I abhorred the idea- I live in a small town, my graduating class had 75 kids in it, and of the 75, over half of them were either pregnant or already had kids. It disgusted me, and I didn't want to be like that. But it changed when I got married...After a while, it became the one thing I wanted. Then the war broke out inside me. (btw, I probably will nevereave this town. I was born in the big city of Albuquerque, and now that I live in a different state, in a small town, the big cities scare me, and only this town seems like my fit.)

I know only I can make the decision. But really, I appreciate everyone's responses because it helps knowing other stories. Even if I may not agree or understand you, I know you speak with knowledge and mean only to help me. And I appreciate it. So... really, I guess all I can do now is meditate and really look inside for my answer. It's just difficult because I know I can offer the world to my child and sacrifice everything for it, but I don't know if my sacrifice would be enough to give it the world.

barbie92 · July 2011

OP-

I normally only lurk over here since I am not actively trying to have a baby, but I wanted to add my two cents. If you are not completely sure that you want to have a baby, then I would say you need to wait. I understand wanting a baby, but wanting a baby and actually being ready for a baby are two totally different things. There are so many things to think about before you have a baby. Babies are expensive and very needy. Yes, very cute but they need you ALL the time. Do some serious research, soul searching, crunch some numbers, and spend a lot of time talking to you husband before you decide to actively try for a baby. Once you have a baby, things will never be the same. Good luck with what you decide, but when in doubt, wait.

Milliways · July 2011

If you are ready for your priority in life, above all else, to be a child, the you are on the most basic level, ready. My priority was a German artist with neck tattoo, an obessive love of karaoke, and finishing my degree when I was 20, but everyone is different. However, if your major thought holding you back is spending money on yourself, that should be a red flag that might need a more time with you as the priority.

TricksyPixie · July 2011

Musicallymuma:
Hi there,
I've read through a lot of the posts, and thought I would add in what I think.
In reality, if you are totally ready, why shouldn't you have a child? I only have one reason I can think of you should wait, and that is your age. Although you are extremely mature for 20, that is extremely young to start a family.
I must tell you that I'm a bit biased. My very good friend was 20 when she got pregnant with her first child. She hadn't gone to university or anything like that, and although she absolutely loves her children with all her heart, she has confessed to me on more than one occasion that she feels as though she missed out on doing things like going to college because she had children so soon.
The other thing is that, you are definitely RIGHT...when you had a child, you won't be able to go out and buy things on a whim for yourself anymore. If that is really important to you, then you should wait until it's less important. The other thing is that you just got married a bit ago, right?
Don't rush it. I'm 30 and we are trying for our first child. There were times a few years ago where I wondered why we didn't start when we were first married (2007). However, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.
I've gone traveling, we've spent a lot of wonderful romantic times together, spent time with our friends sans kids, and really gotten to know each other inside and out. I think that sort of intimacy is very important before having a child.
No matter what you decide, good luck. You will be a wonderful mother!
Shawna

I get it, and I am in university. I've always made wonderful marks, too. Everyone knows I'll be a great teacher one day (but really, I want to be a tightrope walker in Cirque du Soleil! Or a botanist, or a musician, or maybe a librarian. These are just silly thoughts, though.) But I really grow tired of it. I don't get involved because I'm so shy and keep to myself. And I'm not so fond of classes- I get so bored.. maybe it just isn't my thing anymore, but I do keep trying.

Oh... buying things for me really isn't so important to me. I find it refreshing that on a day I feel fat and ugly I can go out and buy a new dress or shoes or scarf to give myself that special boost, but I don't feel it a necessity. Really, I don't do such things often anyway. But I do so enjoy the handful of times I do. If anything, I spend my money on those close to me. ^-^'

I agree, though. Marriage alone has been such an adventure to me. We've traveled a bit (but like I said, traveling is something I don't much like.), and we've had such special times together. But at the same time, his heart seems torn in two directions like mine. We both want a kid so much, but we both think we should know better than our parents and peers. We live in strange times, as two people who aren't like those our age. But I really appreciate and respect your view. thanks, so much.

bemrich · July 2011

Mrs.Slick:
And to those people who say she should get a degree or whatever, college isn't for everyone and there are plenty of respectable careers out there that do not require them.

This.

A college degree also does not guarantee a job, either.

sheilatakesabow · July 2011

bemrich:
Mrs.Slick:
And to those people who say she should get a degree or whatever, college isn't for everyone and there are plenty of respectable careers out there that do not require them.
This.
A college degree also does not guarantee a job, either.

I don't believe that the advice was to go get a degree for the sake of getting a degree, it was to first finish up the degree she's already 3/4 of the way through. She's already sunk 3 years of life and tuition money into it.

TricksyPixie · July 2011

sheilatakesabow:
bemrich:
Mrs.Slick:
And to those people who say she should get a degree or whatever, college isn't for everyone and there are plenty of respectable careers out there that do not require them.
This.
A college degree also does not guarantee a job, either.
I don't believe that the advice was to go get a degree for the sake of getting a degree, it was to first finish up the degree she's already 3/4 of the way through. She's already sunk 3 years of life and tuition money into it.

Haha, well, I appreciate that! Really, I didn't think about the fact that I put all sorts of time and money into my education. I don't really think much of it! Education is just what I'm good at, and what I've been raised to believe is necessary to a better life.

kellyrn9956 · July 2011

TricksyPixie:

Um, hi...

Well, I'm new to this site, my name is Rebekah. I came looking for a site where I could talk to people like-minded. See, I'm 20 years old, I've been married for a year, my life is beautiful. But being so young, I don't have many friends really LIKE me. Because I'm married and my husband and I have been talking about having a baby.

The main reason I'm not pregnant yet is because of my indecision. I'm very mature for my age, responsible and I have no doubt in my mind I can take care of a child, although I understand it'll be difficult. I surely want a child. Ever since about half a year ago when my husband and I suspected a pregnancy, We've been keeping the idea in our heads. There's been several occasions in which we've suspected a pregnancy, but each one was a false alarm, and each time we've been getting more and more devastated, even though we never actively TRIED to have a baby. I'm afraid that one more of these false alarms will send us reeling. But as it is, I can't decide if we should actively try or actively prevent. The only reason I really falter is because I know I won't be able to buy anything for myself after we have a kid, and I still like being able to buy things on a whim. It sounds selfish... doesn't it?

Does anyone have any advice for me? Once again, don't let my age fool you- I am very mature, and I take very good care of everything- from job to home.

This is why you should wait. Actively trying to get pregnant right now would be a huge mistake if this is your mindset. Being willing to sacrifice for a child comes with further maturity and age - NOT a bad thing, just a fact of life. I had the same feelings for a long time. Not until I was 28 was I ready to make those sacrifices. It might occur at an earlier age for you, but until you are ready to make the necessary sacrifices for a child, waiting might be the best idea. You will run the risk of regretting your decision or even resenting your child if you make the decision too early.

All the best to you.

Jcalvo28 · July 2011

melissa721:
KdgTeacher:

melissa721:
At 20, I was more interested in buying things for myself rather than for a kid too. TBH I think having a kid in your early 20s is a bad decision. ::takes out fire extinguisher::

I'm going to agree with this. While maturity is a good thing to have, but there is so much more to having a baby than that. I was more worried about meeting up with friends to go out and what cool outfit/item I could buy myself.

ETA: ::stands behind Melissa with a bucket of water::

LOL! Thanks kdg.
OP, being mature is one thing but imagine how much more you have to offer a kid once you have some work experience, a degree, life experience, etc. under your belt? You're giving up a lot to have a kid at an early age. And yes you give up a lot ot have a kid at ANY age, but if that's the case, why give all that up so early on? You only get a few years in your 20s to be young, carefree and stupid. Enjoy them. You may feel like you missed out if you get pregnant right away.

And I can already hear the "I had a baby at 21 and don't feel like I missed out on anything" rebuttals...

I was 21 when i discovered I was Pregnant and it terrified me! I wasn't married, but very much in love with my then b/f (who is now my hubby)... I agree with the pp's but at the same time, I wouldn't change a thing In my life... I will be 30 in September and I defiantly Feel like i missed out on a huge chunk of my life, so just enjoy the quite stillness of your house, each others company, and having friends over, or doing just couple stuff... there will be plenty of time to get pregnant!

desertsun · July 2011

Bees Everywhere:
TricksyPixie:
I can't decide if we should actively try or actively prevent. The only reason I really falter is because I know I won't be able to buy anything for myself after we have a kid, and I still like being able to buy things on a whim. It sounds selfish... doesn't it?
Does anyone have any advice for me? Once again, don't let my age fool you- I am very mature, and I take very good care of everything- from job to home.
Ehh everybody's different. Personally, I was nowhere near ready for marriage or a child at your age- but my own parents were. All I can say is the mere fact you call making love pop-pop tells me your not ready...
Uh I mean, the mere fact that you're asking strangers on the internet whether or not you should start trying for a child makes me think you're not ready- you and your husband know your situation better than anyone. Good luck with your decision, whatever it is.

LOL, hellz yes I caught that AD reference immediately! Also, I don't think you're dense at all. Dense people don't usually love AD.

OP, I disagree with those who've said you should be absolutely positively sure you're ready for and want a baby before TTC.

I think it reflects well on your intelligence that you realize your life will change and you're a little conflicted about that. Having a child is a huge responsibility and I think it's okay to feel a little scared and unsure of yourself.

That said, you are still so young. This is the time of your life where you CAN go out and buy things just b/c you want them. Enjoy it! Spend time with your H, friends, and family. Be spontaneous. Revel in a couple more years of sleeping in. Finish up that degree.

You have PLENTY of time for baby-making down the road, so I say start being more careful with your BC and AVOID for another year or two.

Bees Everywhere · July 2011

desertsun:
LOL, hellz yes I caught that AD reference immediately! Also, I don't think you're dense at all. Dense people don't usually love AD.

haha awesome thank you! I agree Glad I made a few of you laugh at least

andy71781 · July 2011

desertsun:
Bees Everywhere:
TricksyPixie:
I can't decide if we should actively try or actively prevent. The only reason I really falter is because I know I won't be able to buy anything for myself after we have a kid, and I still like being able to buy things on a whim. It sounds selfish... doesn't it?
Does anyone have any advice for me? Once again, don't let my age fool you- I am very mature, and I take very good care of everything- from job to home.
Ehh everybody's different. Personally, I was nowhere near ready for marriage or a child at your age- but my own parents were. All I can say is the mere fact you call making love pop-pop tells me your not ready...
Uh I mean, the mere fact that you're asking strangers on the internet whether or not you should start trying for a child makes me think you're not ready- you and your husband know your situation better than anyone. Good luck with your decision, whatever it is.

LOL, hellz yes I caught that AD reference immediately! Also, I don't think you're dense at all. Dense people don't usually love AD.
OP, I disagree with those who've said you should be absolutely positively sure you're ready for and want a baby before TTC.
I think it reflects well on your intelligence that you realize your life will change and you're a little conflicted about that. Having a child is a huge responsibility and I think it's okay to feel a little scared and unsure of yourself.
That said, you are still so young. This is the time of your life where you CAN go out and buy things just b/c you want them. Enjoy it! Spend time with your H, friends, and family. Be spontaneous. Revel in a couple more years of sleeping in. Finish up that degree.
You have PLENTY of time for baby-making down the road, so I say start being more careful with your BC and AVOID for another year or two.

Huh? Really?

TricksyPixie · July 2011

Once again, everyone, thanks so much for sharing your knowledge and experiences with me. It really does make me happy that so many of you are willing to give a complete stranger such good advice. Ultimately, I know the decision is mine, but I like being able to see how others think, even if my views may differ. I think this will help me put things into perspective and think a little more clearly about this.

When you guys say "There's always time down the road!" It definitely makes a lot of sense to me, and it does make me think about that. But on the same token, my brother died at 18 in a car crash (I was 16). I know how quickly things can change, and there's no definite that things won't change in an instant for me again. So I see two sides of one coin, constantly. I understand why I should wait and enjoy life, but I also see how today is really all any of us have! It's a hell of a thing, seeing two sides! ^-^'

Still. I will soul search and try to find the answer myself. I think... there's still a lot of adventures I can have, just me and my hubby, but there's also a lot of adventures on the horizon. I guess, it really comes down to which adventures I wanna have next, huh?

melissa721 · July 2011

3 pages into this thread and I still can't figure out what ^-^' means...

desertsun · July 2011

Yes, really. I think a little fear is not only normal, but shows that you have a sense that your life will change dramatically, which, IMO, is a good thing.

And based on this thread from a couple days ago, it's not uncommon to feel that way:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/55527890.aspx

I think some people DO have an absolutely positively ready/wanting feeling, and that's fine. But I also think it's fine for people to have a little healthy fear and uncertainty.

Not everyone is built the same way. Some people are able to make decisions and have no doubts whatsoever. Others have more doubts. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It IS important to know what type you are, and if you're the uncertain type, to know that you need to take time and really think things through before committing to a course of action.

JMO.

FreyaWin2382 · July 2011

melissa721:
3 pages into this thread and I still can't figure out what ^-^' means...

me neither!

OP, I think that only you can answer your question. I know that when I was 20, I definitely was not ready to have children....and I would have considered myself "mature for my age" too. Looking back at the person I was then, and comparing it to the person I am now, I see two different people with different goals and dreams...you need to have an honest conversation with your DH and decide if having a child, having your entire lives become centered around that child, is the right decision for you both right now.

And I would give this advice to anyone asking this question, regardless of their age. I have met great parents who are in their early 20s and horrible ones who waited until they were nearly 40.

Rhianna1981 · July 2011

melissa721:
3 pages into this thread and I still can't figure out what ^-^' means...

I think that it is a cat. Maybe it makes some sort of reference to ***(-cat)?

yorumsfield · July 2011

Bees Everywhere:
TricksyPixie:
I can't decide if we should actively try or actively prevent. The only reason I really falter is because I know I won't be able to buy anything for myself after we have a kid, and I still like being able to buy things on a whim. It sounds selfish... doesn't it?
Does anyone have any advice for me? Once again, don't let my age fool you- I am very mature, and I take very good care of everything- from job to home.
Ehh everybody's different. Personally, I was nowhere near ready for marriage or a child at your age- but my own parents were. All I can say is the mere fact you call making love pop-pop tells me your not ready...
Uh I mean, the mere fact that you're asking strangers on the internet whether or not you should start trying for a child makes me think you're not ready- you and your husband know your situation better than anyone. Good luck with your decision, whatever it is.

OMG, I am in love with you, Bees. This is one of my very favorite lines from AD!

Mrs.Umm · July 2011

melissa721:
3 pages into this thread and I still can't figure out what ^-^' means...

Is it a cat? It looks like a cat.

I'm going with cat.

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