Balancing hopes and fears...

myantonia · June 2011

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to articulate this well, but I'm going to try

I'm 20 weeks along, and have known I wanted a VBAC since the moment they wheeled me into the OR during my son's birth. I never wanted interventions, never wanted to see the inside of a hospital until I was pushing and wanted the epi-man to stay the heck away from my spine . I ended up with the complete opposite last time- 48 hour failed induction turned C/S.

All of that to say that I really really wanted a med-free birth the first time around and am (if possible) more determined this time.

I want it, I hope it, I read about it, I hired a doula, I feel like I'm doing all this work and preparation to get ready for this VBAC..... that may never happen. How are you all balancing your hopes for a VBAC with your fears that you will "fail" again? Parts of me are afraid to "want it" too badly. Like I will somehow jinx myself. Like I somehow jinxed myself the first time by wanting unmediated and ending up with every mediation in the book.

I'm not sure this is clear, and sorry if it isn't... I have a feeling some of you will understand and probably articulate better than me I was just reading my VBAC book and getting all excited for what this birth would be like and the little devil on my shoulder seemed to jump in and say "but you might just fail again!".

cchill01 · June 2011

I know how you feel 100%. I am so emotionally-vested in having a VBAC - and I'm not even pregnant.

I have watched other VBAC hopefuls come back on here and report about their RCS. And almost all of them have said something like...... "I feel better about this one, because I know I did all that I could do." "I'm not as angry, because I stood up for myself." "I'm not as disappointed, because I was well educated and completely prepared." "I surrounded myself with people who enabled me to make the best decisions and try to keep with my plan."

I think that will be the difference. If we do EVERYTHING possible, it will be easier to accept what may eventually be inevitable.

NickaDee07 · June 2011

I agree. I'm feeling the same way. I'm still preparing and trying to educate myself for a VBAC though. I'm 18 weeks so I have a ways to go =]

Good luck!

Treasa · June 2011

I understand 100% & I feel like I could have written your post Smile

With my last pregnancy I didn't even factor a C-sec into the equation. I made the assumption that because I was healthy, had a healthy pregnancy & really wanted a natural birth that all would go my way! My 1st big mistake I guess! I had a c-sec under general anesthesia due to HELLPS & it sucked. I felt so let-down & angry that my body had failed me! Like you I knew from the getgo that I would try for a VBAC if I ever became pregnant again!

I know I will be very upset should I have a RCS but I think there will be consolation in the fact I knew it was possibility instead of being completely blindsighted like last time! Also I have done so much preparation for this one from eating correcting to breathing/relaxation techniques to hiring a doula. If I end up with a RCS I will know I tried everything I could to have a vaginal birth, it just wasn't in the cards!

lorryfach · June 2011

I didn't hope for a VBAC; I hoped to do the best I could for my baby. I got too invested in the details the first time around, and learned not to do that again.

nicoleanderic · June 2011

I have no idea how to do that, but I am in the SAME place as you. I wanted as natural as a birth as possible with my DS#1. He was breech and so I elected for a version so that I would hopefully have the best chance for a vaginal delivery and he ended up not doing well in the procedure and I had an emergency c-section. I know I am only 24 weeks, but this one is also breech right now and with DS#1 he was breech from 28 weeks on, so it is really hard to get my hopes up to have a VBAC...even though I want it SOOOO bad! I just try to remember that hopefully either way I have a healthy and happy baby.

emaddock · June 2011

I know how you feel--I never planned for the C section, so having one was a total let down and I am still struggling with it one year later.

My plan for baby #2 (when that happens) is to make 2 birth plans. One for vaginal and try to get there by all means, but if I do end up having the RCS, I will have a birth plan for that as well. I feel that part of the disappointment of C section is how impersonal it is. I didn't get to bond with my daughter until later that evening. And then it felt so late. So I am going to make a list of things I want to happen during the c-section so I can feel better about that and try to bring some personality into it. Hope that helps!

iris427 · June 2011

I felt the same way. One of the ways I dealt with it was to face the possibility of another c/s head on. I wrote a c/s birth plan, I talked to my doula about how we could make a c/s a good experience and I reminded myself that since I've gotten though one c/s, I could get through another one.

jen5-03 · June 2011

My main goal was not vbac. Vbac was more of a stretch goal. My main goal was "a better birth experience". Better = overcoming points that made me sad/disappointed/angry the first time. I picked a different hospital with better policies so even if i had a rcs, baby would stay with me in OR and be wheeled to my room with me. I changed OBs 2x to make sure i felt i was in the best hands possible (no brushing aside my nagging doubts out of misplaced loyalty to a doctor). I promised myself to stand up for myself and ask questions and push back if needed. I celebrated every minor milestone i passed -staying pg longer, going into labor on my own, not having my water broken, getting dilated further, etc None of those things are bad, or even things that i had control over, just things that bothered me from the first time around. But when i thought i was heading for rcs (from about 12hr to 28hr of labor), i was ok with it because the birth experience was already better. Not thrilled with the idea of a repeat, but not devestated or even upset by the idea.

ILoveRunning · June 2011

lorryfach:
I didn't hope for a VBAC; I hoped to do the best I could for my baby. I got too invested in the details the first time around, and learned not to do that again.

I actually feel this way. I'm not even pregnant yet, but the next time around I am going to try my hardest to relax more and not get hung up on the details. I spent an incredible amount of time "preparing" for my first. I had a very concise, yet elaborate birth plan, wanted a BC birth and had taken a very crunchy natural childbirth class. Things definitely did not go to plan, even though I had a very supportive midwife and I still have lots of "what-ifs" that I cannot get over. I think it is only natural.

If I end up with a RCS I know that I will be disappointed to a certain extent. I also think however, that life is notorious for not going according to plan... one thing that having a child has taught me . If things don't work out the way I hope, then I hope that I will have the strength to understand that it is one of those life experiences that suck, but ultimately strengthen me.

disbride061103 · June 2011

cchill01:

I have watched other VBAC hopefuls come back on here and report about their RCS. And almost all of them have said something like...... "I feel better about this one, because I know I did all that I could do." "I'm not as angry, because I stood up for myself." "I'm not as disappointed, because I was well educated and completely prepared." "I surrounded myself with people who enabled me to make the best decisions and try to keep with my plan."

This is exactly how I felt after my VBAC attempt ended in an unplanned c/s. Although I planned for a VBAC, I knew that there was a possibility of another c/s. My first c/s blind-sided me. I never planned for it, never researched it, nothing. Long before I ever conceived DS2, I had researched VBACs. But this time, I also researched c/s. I talked to my doctors, I had a c/s birth plan.

I'm not going to lie, I cried when my doctor sat on my bed and said it was best to do a c/s. I knew it was the right answer (heck, ten minutes before she walked in the room, my husband and I had already made the decision to do the c/s), it didn't hurt any less in that moment. BUT like the above comment, it wasn't the same. I wasn't angry. I KNOW that between me and my doctors, everything possible was done to try and have me give birth vaginally. I was not only a participant in my care, I directed my care. It made all the difference in the world.

newly_naugler · July 2011

You didn't fail because you had a section. There was a good post on 9-12 about the media hype and how it makes everyone want the perfect birth. I agree with a PP, sometimes reading and preparing only gets you so far. You have to be ready to accept the possibilty that things may not go as planned. I know what it's like to want it to go smooth, but as long as LO comes out happy and healthy, that's all that matters.

iris427 · July 2011

newly_naugler:
You didn't fail because you had a section. There was a good post on 9-12 about the media hype and how it makes everyone want the perfect birth. I agree with a PP, sometimes reading and preparing only gets you so far. You have to be ready to accept the possibilty that things may not go as planned. I know what it's like to want it to go smooth, but as long as LO comes out happy and healthy, that's all that matters.

No, it's not ALL that matters.

kbryson0503 · July 2011

You can do it, the statistics say that 75% of women who attempt a VBAC are successful. You are doing the right thing by reading and hiring a Doula. Go to ICAN website it is a great resource for pregnant women but also for woman attempting a VBAC. Also, most important of all chose a midwife or a Dr that will support you in your decision to VBAC that is VERY important. Good Luck!!

disbride061103 · July 2011

iris427:
newly_naugler:
You didn't fail because you had a section. There was a good post on 9-12 about the media hype and how it makes everyone want the perfect birth. I agree with a PP, sometimes reading and preparing only gets you so far. You have to be ready to accept the possibilty that things may not go as planned. I know what it's like to want it to go smooth, but as long as LO comes out happy and healthy, that's all that matters.
No, it's not ALL that matters.

**sigh** Thank you Iris. A healthy baby isn't "ALL" that matters. You would think that almost 3 years after my 1st c/s I wouldnt get angry when someone says this, but I do.

giselleacttwo · July 2011

iris427:
newly_naugler:
You didn't fail because you had a section. There was a good post on 9-12 about the media hype and how it makes everyone want the perfect birth. I agree with a PP, sometimes reading and preparing only gets you so far. You have to be ready to accept the possibilty that things may not go as planned. I know what it's like to want it to go smooth, but as long as LO comes out happy and healthy, that's all that matters.
No, it's not ALL that matters.

If I knew how to post emoticons from my phone there would be a great big thumbs up right here. Thank you, Iris. ITA.

Balancing hopes and fears...

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