I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to articulate this well, but I'm going to try
I'm 20 weeks along, and have known I wanted a VBAC since the moment they wheeled me into the OR during my son's birth. I never wanted interventions, never wanted to see the inside of a hospital until I was pushing and wanted the epi-man to stay the heck away from my spine . I ended up with the complete opposite last time- 48 hour failed induction turned C/S.
All of that to say that I really really wanted a med-free birth the first time around and am (if possible) more determined this time.
I want it, I hope it, I read about it, I hired a doula, I feel like I'm doing all this work and preparation to get ready for this VBAC..... that may never happen. How are you all balancing your hopes for a VBAC with your fears that you will "fail" again? Parts of me are afraid to "want it" too badly. Like I will somehow jinx myself. Like I somehow jinxed myself the first time by wanting unmediated and ending up with every mediation in the book.
I'm not sure this is clear, and sorry if it isn't... I have a feeling some of you will understand and probably articulate better than me I was just reading my VBAC book and getting all excited for what this birth would be like and the little devil on my shoulder seemed to jump in and say "but you might just fail again!".