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Trying to Get Pregnant
"Accidentally" TTC? - Unique situation
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Re: "Accidentally" TTC? - Unique situation
Your post would be helpful and more mature if you explained how so (and in particular, what makes you think I'm too immature). Its annoying how some posters are in here pretending as if they do not have disagreements or problems in their marriages, and that everything is always sorted out by rationally talking things out.
Extreme responses like "don't be with a guy who acts like that" or "no one should have a baby" are immature, IMO.
No one is implying that no marriage has issues. We have our arguments and our moments. But you'd better believe that when it comes to something as profoundly life changing as bringing a child into this world, a child we will be responsible for raising, we're on the same page. As quiet and shy as my husband is, he's more than capable of voicing his opinion on our reproduction.
You're talking about pretty much passively aggressively telling him you're going to have unprotected s*x and "if he has a problem with it" he should speak up. Um, no. That's not how adults handle situations of this importance. And quite frankly, if he can't even discuss it with you, you really shouldn't be having unprotected s*x, because he's clearly not in this with you. How hard is it to say "yes, let's try for a baby?" He doesn't have to get into all the "trying" as in the temping and OPKs with you, but if he's not even be able to voice his intent or desire to purposely bring life into this world, you have a serious problem.
P/SAIF Welcome
Invisible Finish Line
3T's Traveling Ovary Blog
7DPO Progesterone: low. CD3 BW: normal, HSG: clear
DX: severe MFI (low all 3) and low T. Undergoing replacement therapy.
Have you read my posts? I've been doing what you suggested for years now. Either that or you think married people rationally talk every problem out as two perfect individuals, or if one decides not to be perfect, they either go to counseling and rationally talk things out, or they divorce. Short of divorce is always try and talk things out again. Use "I" in your statements instead of "you". Those solutions do not always work--at some point you have to set boundaries, and it doesn't mean your any less loving or mature. I am pushing a point in my career to have children and if I waited another 2 years, I would have to put off having children altogether for a long while (6 or 7 years on the tenure track) or put off my career. Not a fair choice when he's had years to decide.
Its not really a matter of whether he's ready, its about him not telling me either way. I can guesstimate on my own about it but after some helpful posts in this thread, I realize I am no longer willing to spend time figuring out what he truly wants because I don't want to surprise him nor continue waiting to some unknown date. I'm going to put my cards out, give him some final time to think about it, and he's going to verbally tell me point blank or non-verbally by wearing condoms or not wearing them. I suspect he will simply continue to not wear them.
(Btw, I believe one possibility for him being ambivalent is that he might secretly believe he is infertile, so he doesn't want to say he wants them or try for them because it might feel like too much failure if he can't soon. Thinking back, he has said a number of things along the lines of a child not "coming" all these years and wondering why.)
Then you misunderstood my post. I plan to approach him and say "I would like to start TTC and I think we're ready to have a child. So if you don't want to get pregnant, then you can start wearing condoms, but if you're okay with it happening at this point, then we'll continue as is." That's not passive aggressive, that's very direct. He can choose to be passive in his response or direct, but at least we both will know based on his actions. If he decides no again, then I'll make steps to leave eventually.
And again, how is he not "in this" if he is having unprotected sex? Its not that he doesn't want children or isn't committed to our family. We've been together for a decade and are very much in love and committed. We talk about having children, he talks about putting one son in football and the other in the arts, and even what area to buy a house so that we are near the best schools. We actually have two exact neighborhoods in mind if we stay in this state. He is simply ambivalent about making the jump to TTC, but I don't think he is any longer ambivalent about having children (its obvious that he wants them and he and I both know he'd be an excellent father). Its no different from a man who wants to marry his girlfriend, but takes a long time to propose and doesn't until he gets a little push from her when she decides to break-up or take that internship six states away.
You are making a lot of stupid assumptions for not knowing anything about him but the fact that he hasn't directly said "I want children now."
Reread this statement to yourself. And then take a moment to consider if you truly want to have a baby with someone who handles major life decisions in this manner.
bfp 1 - m/c 1.31.11 @ 10 weeks
bfp 2 - baby born via c-section on 5.4.12 @ 37 weeks
bfp 3 - blighted ovum/d&c on 4.13.13 @ 8 weeks
bfp 4 - 3rd IUI, very late BFN with super low P, c/p
bfp 5 - natural bfp while on lupron, baby born via RCS on 4.27.15 @ 39 weeks
bfp 6 - surprise! baby born via RCS on 11.13.16 @ 38 weeks
I actually did read your posts. All of them. I do understand that you've been talking to him about it. But I don't actually think you're listening or you would be hearing him tell you that he's not ready. He probably doesn't want to tell you directly because he knows it's not what you want to hear. You want a child, you want one now and, based on what I've bolded above, you're going to do what you need to do to force the issue. Non-action on his part does not necessarily imply complicity in desire, but you're going to rely on it because then you get your way and you can say he had his chance. As someone else pointed out, this is not the way adults handle this type of situation. (Edited because it isn't, in fact, passive agressive behavior.)
My marriage isn't perfect and we don't always talk everything out rationally, but you bet your as.s when it came to building our family we did.
And you know what, I get the whole infertility thing. I've been there, done that, and have the t-shirt. If you're going to deal with that as a couple, you better learn how to talk to each other frankly and openly. It's a tough road and you need one another for support.
Well if that's enough of an answer for you, why are you here and what are you asking us about? What ARE you wanting, exactly, if that's not enough and you apparently don't need him to say "I want a baby." I'm confused. You want him to talk to you about it or you don't? Condomless sex is enough, or it isn't? Make up your mind.
All most of us are saying is that his "ambivalence" wouldn't be enough for us to go on TTC and that we - in our relationships - would want a discussion with a more concrete, agreed-upon resolution at the end. You make it sound like wanting a rational discussion is like going to court mediation to get an opinion from our husbands. If his unwrapped jimmy and talking about schools are enough for you, fine. But you seemed unsure, and then when we questioned you on it, suddenly it seemed to be enough. Seems to me that you need to figure out exactly what it is you want from him.
And though I didn't quote it, you did in fact say that you were going to tell him that you were going to continue having unprotected sex and he could go with it or wrap his junk, and walk away. You "polished" that later, but your initial theoretical actions were, in fact, pretty immature in the scheme of adult reproductive conversations. We only know and judge based on what you tell us.
EDIT: added clarification
P/SAIF Welcome
Invisible Finish Line
3T's Traveling Ovary Blog
7DPO Progesterone: low. CD3 BW: normal, HSG: clear
DX: severe MFI (low all 3) and low T. Undergoing replacement therapy.
*Sigh*
He does not handle major life decisions this way. This is how he has been with TTC. I have heard that many men have a hard time committing to the whole thing and this does not mean that he would not commit to his own kid if he had one.
I don't think he actually would blame me for having a child--he couldn't if it was an accident and he didn't when we actually did have one--but that was one possibility for why he wouldn't come out and say he wanted to TTC but seemed like he expected a child to just come. Remember, I am trying to interpret what he's been thinking given the mixed messages. Also, I am now going to put him in a position where he couldn't think that way, because he can decide whether he wants to wear condoms or not. He has to make a choice and it will be up to him to actively prevent a pregnancy or actively participate in conceiving one.
He is frustrating and annoying when it comes to planning a child, but that doesn't make him some horrible person that I shouldn't be having a child with.
Well if he doesn't handle life decisions this way, and this is out of the norm, that would lead ME to believe (if he were my husband) that he wasn't so sure or ready. i.e. if my husband were normally super confident and thoughtful and interactive with me about his decisions, but he was suddenly shutting down and not discussing this issue at all, my conclusion would be that he was unsure.
In my opinion, men do what they want to do. Ever read "He's Just Not That Into You?" I dated guys who gave me the run around on living together or getting engaged or even just talking about the future. I think we all had a relationship or two like that. With DH, it was totally different. We talked one night, he said wanted to be with me forever me, and he bought a ring and proposed a month later. We wanted a baby, and we talked about everything from when to ditch BC to finances to my decision to temp. He was involved. And in my experience, when men don't want to do something, they stall. It doesn't automatically mean he doesn't love you, he just isn't ready.
P/SAIF Welcome
Invisible Finish Line
3T's Traveling Ovary Blog
7DPO Progesterone: low. CD3 BW: normal, HSG: clear
DX: severe MFI (low all 3) and low T. Undergoing replacement therapy.
I never said I needed him to say "I want a baby," which is why I was contemplating getting PG on "accident." But I was having doubts about whether that was a good idea and what exactly I only started this thread to ask what the board's thoughts were about the message he was sending. Not whether they thought he was too shy, or too weak, or too uncommitted and immature to have a child. That's where there was a problem for me. A lot of responses here were very helpful and have actually changed my view to not surprise him with a baby, but to confront him in a different way. You're defending the few posters who didn't at all speak the way you are saying--the others that did I never had an issue with.
And I didn't polish anything I wrote later, I only added more. I am still planning to tell him what I plan to do, what his options are, and walk away. Its simple. There won't be any long discussions unless he initiates it. I won't push him to talk. I won't push him to answer. I'm telling him the consequences of his passive choices and the consequences of his active ones, and also what I am going to do regardless of his choice. I've already had the "adult" reproductive conversations with him. At this point, we don't need to rehash what's been said over and over. He only needs to be more direct about what he wants and make a firm decision. That's what frankly stating my needs/actions and walking away will do.
Its clear that he is telling me indirectly he wants to have children, that he would like a pregnancy, that he has expected them, etc. But the fact that its been so indirect is not enough for me. I don't know what's so wrong with telling him what I am going to do and walking away. Its a sure-fire way to get him to respond. Does it make a difference if I say "Do you want to have a baby: yes or no?" instead of "If you put your penis in here and ejaculate, you will be consenting to get me pregnant and produce a baby."? Will his answer be any less real or genuine if he decides to follow me into the room and have sex instead of saying the word "Yes"? Both are VERY direct to me.
I've seen the movie, and I think that might be true. I do want to start a family soon though, so I'd rather just move on and accept the possibility that he will take too long to actually want children for me to stay with. But then again, he might also be trying to have children without saying it aloud, because he's afraid of failure.
Either way, I hope that this will be the last time I have to initate talking about this to him. I have no problem with him initiating if he wants to discuss or negotiate but otherwise he can either walk through door A or door B. If he doesn't budge (which I'm not sure is possible) then you're right. He's just not that into it and I'll walk away. This would be a dealbreaker.
To the italicized statement - yes, to me it would. I like discussions about adding to our family
I'm sorry, but the combination of the bolded stuff still sounds very childish to me. But kudos to you if this works for you. Good luck starting your family.
P/SAIF Welcome
Invisible Finish Line
3T's Traveling Ovary Blog
7DPO Progesterone: low. CD3 BW: normal, HSG: clear
DX: severe MFI (low all 3) and low T. Undergoing replacement therapy.
To the italicized statement - yes, to me it would. I like discussions about adding to our family
I'm sorry, but the combination of the bolded stuff still sounds very childish to me. But kudos to you if this works for you. Good luck starting your family.
P/SAIF Welcome
Invisible Finish Line
3T's Traveling Ovary Blog
7DPO Progesterone: low. CD3 BW: normal, HSG: clear
DX: severe MFI (low all 3) and low T. Undergoing replacement therapy.
In my opinion there is a difference in talking TO and talking AROUND someone. It seems to me by your post you have talked around the subject with your husband and not got the answer you were hoping for. So instead of talking TO your husband and possibly getting an answer you may not like you would prefer to continue to talk around the subject.
You also can not give someone a timeline or deadline of when they will be ready or else. That isn't how marriage works, you have to compromise, talk, talk, talk and sometimes you don't get what you want. THere are no ultimatmns in this marriage, I don't believe in them and I think they are selfish and unfair.
My mouth is handing open at this moment!! You love this man and you married him correct? Did you not think to have these conversations before you were married? I am sorry but if you didn't have these conversations you have no one to blame but yourself. I understand kids vs no kids is a deal breaker if couples are on oppiset sides. However, because he may not be ready to move at your speed is unfair of you. I truely hope that you decide to sit down and have an honest conversation with your husband. This is not something you throw at him and walk into the bedroom to wash your hair. I honestly do not see this approach ending well for you I think you may be immature and need to do some serious sould searching of yourself before questioning his thoughts on any of this.
You clearly didn't read much of this thread before posting.
We DID have these conversations before marriage and throughout being married. We already agreed on the number of children we would have (which decreased since then, mutually) and on what year we would TTC even before we were married. The root of the problem is that he changed his mind later on about WHEN we would start having children and kept changing his mind for years. So he would promise one year that we would start next year and then change his mind when the time came. Then in the last 3 years or so he's been avoiding the conversation when it comes up again by either saying he felt weird planning a baby and that babies are supposed to just come, wanting to talk about it later, or saying he wasn't sure. His responses changed from "No I'm not ready" in the first half of our marriage to "I don't know, I'm not sure" all the time in the second part. At the same time that he's been saying he wasn't sure and delaying setting a date, he's been hinting that I should choose when, he stopped wanting to pull out, said he was okay with just TTA, and also makes jokes about how babies are supposed to come randomly and why hasn't one just come yet.
I've already stated repeatedly that I've talked to him before countless times and that this is simply a "last straw" conversation. Kids also become a dealbreaker when one person in the marriage promises to TTC at the age of 25 but then keeps reniging over and over and then eventually becomes ambiguous and refuses to make a choice. After 7 years of this it doesn't sound like "I'm just not ready" its sounds like either 1) I've changed my mind about when and don't want to tell you the truth, 2) I don't really want kids anymore and don't want to tell you, or 3) There is something else I am hiding that I am afraid to tell you so I'll give mixed signals and hope you realize what I want instead without making me have a vulnerable conversation. Given that he has not said he isn't ready in the past 3 years and only says he's not sure or that I or fate should choose, its most likely number 3.
If sitting and having a conversation would work don't you think it would have all these years? Try to add something new rather than re-hashing the same insults that have already been explained or just stay out of the thread.
I am not trying to force him to TTC or choose to be a father by setting a boundary by stating plans and leaving it at that--I'm simply stimulating him to talk and take action on his own about a very important decision instead of me chasing him about it or nagging. You have not been married nearly long enough if you don't understand something that basic but I'm sure in a few years you'll start to understand.