"Accidentally" TTC? - Unique situation

Newother · June 2011

ETA: Shortened post!

Ok, thinking of "accidentally" TTC because my husband appears to be ambivalent about having a child and giving me clues to go ahead and conceive on "accident."

We both want children, but can never decide when to TTC because he gives weird responses. Once when I asked him when to have kids he said "I don't care, that's your domain" (half jokingly) and that that's up to the woman. Another time his response was that he felt weird TTC and that "children are supposed to just come." Another time he said he wanted to definitely have 3 children in the future but he won't pinpoint at what age to start (and when he does that age keeps changing, always 2 years ahead). And we had a real pregnancy scare about a year ago (a total accident that ended in early miscarriage) and when I told him he was actually really happy and smiling from ear to ear, and he said "That's good, Newother. Most people have their first by now." (I was actually not quite ready at the moment and he was trying to cheer ME up about it). I later saw that he was researching all the good, cheery stuff about becoming a dad on his computer, but my period came a week after that. And then last winter, his response was that he wasn't sure about when to have a child but he refused to even talk about it anymore.

All this time we used the withdrawal method and TTA, no BC pills or condoms. But we've been TTA for over a year now and he doesn't want to pull out anymore. He also understands that I am fertile at certain times of the month but won't pull out unless I tell him to.

It's like he's trying to put all the pressure on me to make the decision for both of us, but I'm afraid of making such a huge decision for him only to find that he doesn't really want it or he changed his mind because he never really gave me a definitive answer in the first place. He doesn't seem to want to be an active participant no matter what we do, only a passive partner.

Society says its horrible to conceive "accidentally," but at the same time its as if DH is signaling to me that he wouldn't mind if I did. He seems like he really wouldn't care if I did it on purpose, as long as he didn't know about it. Any thoughts?

blindvictory · June 2011

The only thing I can tell you is that making a baby should be something you both decide together. You need to be COMPLETELY on the same page. Tell him that you feel like you're getting mixed messages, and come to a decision together. I would not get pregnant "accidentally on purpose". It's a huge commitment and you need to be 100% together on this.

jmc1017 · June 2011

TTC is not a decision you should make on your own. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your H about whether he really wants children or not. There's the potential of a lot of resentment on both ends without open, honest communication.

KdgTeacher · June 2011

I didn't read the whole post to be honest...waaaaay too long.

We can't tell you what to do. Personally, I would not be OK with TTC unless I had a definite yes from MH. There is a reason (whether you both know it or not) that he is dragging his feet. Would you both be open to talking to a therapist or something about this?

staycee · June 2011

Newother:

It's like he's trying to put all the pressure on me to make the decision for both of us, but I'm afraid of making such a huge decision for him only to find that he doesn't really want it or he changed his mind because he never really gave me a definitive answer in the first place.

the man doesn't use any birth control. He's gotta know you could get pg.

and FWIW, 30 is by no means past your fertiity prime.

megemoney · June 2011

OK, I will just say that I actually did read this whole post.

I know that you have tried, but you really need to talk to your husband. We can't tell you to go ahead and get pregnant "on accident." You two need to have a serious conversation. Even if it gets to be a hard conversation, you need to discuss it with him.

Good luck!

sheilatakesabow · June 2011

KdgTeacher:

I didn't read the whole post to be honest...waaaaay too long.

We can't tell you what to do. Personally, I would not be OK with TTC unless I had a definite yes from MH. There is a reason (whether you both know it or not) that he is dragging his feet. Would you both be open to talking to a therapist or something about this?

This. Or, since you mention "sin" being some kind of factor in his mind, a minister/pastor/whatever?

bostonbluejay · June 2011

I, personally, would not want to have a child with someone who couldn't verbally communicate to me that he is 100% committed to having/raising a child with me. If he can't verbally say to you "Yes, I am ready to be a father.", then it sounds like he's not sure if he's ready. He should, at the very least, be able to verbalize that he is ready even if he is not comfortable with knowing all the ins and outs of your cycle.

If he is this passive now, I wonder how passive he would be with having a child. Would you have to make all the decisions regarding discipline, where the child should go to school, etc?

Mother Meghan · June 2011

I agree with the previous posters, your post, while completely informative, is really too long. I did read through most of it though, and my thought is that I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who didn't REALLY want to have them (FRIENDS anyone?). I really think that if this kind of ambivalence is affecting multiple areas of your life including child bearing then you should consider getting some sort of couples therapy.

siple1am · June 2011

KdgTeacher:

I didn't read the whole post to be honest...waaaaay too long.

We can't tell you what to do. Personally, I would not be OK with TTC unless I had a definite yes from MH. There is a reason (whether you both know it or not) that he is dragging his feet. Would you both be open to talking to a therapist or something about this?

I can't tell you how much I agree with the bolded. I don't think anybody would have enough reason to try on "accident" for TTC. If your H doesn't want to agree, then don't do it.

KdgTeacher · June 2011

jefa621:
I don't know...this sounds a lot like my situation. He obviously isn't opposed to a baby or you would probably be on some more reliable birth control. My H also believes that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. He just doesn't want to have the pressure of trying. So I chart, and do what I need to do to figure my cycle, know when I'm Oing, etc, and initiate more around my fertile window. And if it happens it happens. It's kind of nice because there isn't as much pressure IMO. I think a lot of guys will make great dads, but aren't great planners and don't think about it too much till it's actually an issue.

I agree, however at the same time I would think at some point in conversations YH gave you a definite "yes, let's try for a baby"...no?

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2011

The first 20 words say it all. If you have to try to "accidentally get pregnant", then there's something much bigger going on that most likely no one on here can help you with.

willamina28 · June 2011

First off, I'm sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I'm just a random person on the internet, but I say, just do it.

It sounded like he was happy when you got pregnant before, on accident.

Thirdly, since you said you use the pull-out method. I think you will get your answer that way. When you tell him to stop pulling out, he will then know that you are trying to get pregnant. If he tells you no, then you have your answer.

Lastly, I would definitely tell him to do some soul searching. It seems a little odd that he wants you to make this HUGE decision on your own.

Good luck!

LilyPotter218 · June 2011

You need to talk to him. If he wants to be surprised he needs to clearly say he wants to be surprised. I agree he is having unprotected sex and must have some idea it could happen... So there must be a part of him that is ok with that.

As far as TTC. I can not imagine not having the full support of MH during this. Before we started actually trying, I always thought 'no big deal, unprotected sex, pee on a stick, baby'. Now that we are TTC, it hit hard wanting something so much that days seem like months... I can't imagine not having his support and ear when I need to talk about all my phantom symptoms, and that he 'plays along' when I ask if my boobs look bigger and if that vein was there yesterday... If he was not on board I would likely be in a padded room here soon.

KdgTeacher · June 2011

jefa621:
KdgTeacher:

jefa621:
I don't know...this sounds a lot like my situation. He obviously isn't opposed to a baby or you would probably be on some more reliable birth control. My H also believes that it will happen when it's supposed to happen. He just doesn't want to have the pressure of trying. So I chart, and do what I need to do to figure my cycle, know when I'm Oing, etc, and initiate more around my fertile window. And if it happens it happens. It's kind of nice because there isn't as much pressure IMO. I think a lot of guys will make great dads, but aren't great planners and don't think about it too much till it's actually an issue.

I agree, however at the same time I would think at some point in conversations YH gave you a definite "yes, let's try for a baby"...no?

Honestly? No. He's never said "I'm ready for a baby now." We discussed and made the decision to together to stop BC. We both know what the possibilies are that come from not using it and he is fine with that. He asks me all the time if we "just made a baby" or if we could be making one. We both want kids, but are fine for a while if we don't. I know a lot of people will give me the side eye for this, but that's just where we are at this point.

That right there though is very different than the picture the OP is painting. You and YH are on the same page...where as OP isn't (or doesn't appear to be)

LegallyBlonde217 · June 2011

bostonbluejay:

I, personally, would not want to have a child with someone who couldn't verbally communicate to me that he is 100% committed to having/raising a child with me. If he can't verbally say to you "Yes, I am ready to be a father.", then it sounds like he's not sure if he's ready. He should, at the very least, be able to verbalize that he is ready even if he is not comfortable with knowing all the ins and outs of your cycle.

If he is this passive now, I wonder how passive he would be with having a child. Would you have to make all the decisions regarding discipline, where the child should go to school, etc?

I agree 100%.

Newother · June 2011

Well thanks for all of your responses even with such a long post.

Its a good point that if he is being ambivalent now he might be that way when it comes to childrearing, which would be a huge problem. But I get the sense that he is not being ambivalent but just not wanting to actually plan children out. I think he thinks all children just come randomly and people just deal with it when they do. We have been only TTA and he's well aware I can get pregnant at any time. He leaves it completely up to me whether or not we do. Its frustrating and very tempting when he knows I want to get pregnant now.

I think a therapist is a good idea but I know he won't want to go. It will end in an argument and him not wanting to talk about it. And even at the therapist I can imagine him "agreeing" for another two years again.

Oem617 · June 2011

jmc1017:
TTC is not a decision you should make on your own. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your H about whether he really wants children or not. There's the potential of a lot of resentment on both ends without open, honest communication.

Yes

adamstodrake · June 2011

Okay, so this is longer than I intended...

I think Jefa has hit on that her H doesn't want the pressure of TTC, so she kind of takes care of the prep and research part of TTC and the rest of the process can be more fun for him (and her as well Stick out tongue ). Or at least that is how I am reading it. I do think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, but throw the idea of you being in charge of the charting, tracking your fertility, etc as long as he is going to be happy and ready to be a dad when you get pregnant. That way you feel in control of TTC, but he has expressed that he is ready.

Let me tell you about my experience. My son was a surprise pregnancy, and while I knew my husband would be happy once the idea settled in, he was not going to be thrilled like I was when I saw that positive test. We had discussed TTC about 6 months in the future, so I knew he'd "get there", but it didn't stop me from being scared to tell him that I was pregnant. Let me tell you, that is not the way you want to be thinking when you find out that you are going to be parents. Standing there looking at the pregnancy test and being over the moon and so excited, yet nervous about how he was going to take it, was not a fun moment for me.

When we started talking about TTC this August, I told DH that I wanted him to be thrilled this time. I wanted him to be as excited as I am... not "getting there". I think that is what he needed, plus some time to decide that he really is ready to try for our second, to say yes, when you see those two lines, I am going to be thrilled. That is the feeling I want this time, not fear about what he is going to think. Wishing you all the best!

brookelynpaisley · June 2011

My thoughts are that you two should grow up - honestly - and talk about when you want to start a family. Like adults, instead of this passive aggressive "you decide" nonsense. And conceiving "accidentally" is never a good idea. If you can't talk to your own husband about when to start a family, you've got bigger fish to fry, IMO.

bostonbluejay · June 2011

Newother:

Well thanks for all of your responses even with such a long post.

Its a good point that if he is being ambivalent now he might be that way when it comes to childrearing, which would be a huge problem. But I get the sense that he is not being ambivalent but just not wanting to actually plan children out. I think he thinks all children just come randomly and people just deal with it when they do. We have been only TTA and he's well aware I can get pregnant at any time. He leaves it completely up to me whether or not we do. Its frustrating and very tempting when he knows I want to get pregnant now.

I think a therapist is a good idea but I know he won't want to go. It will end in an argument and him not wanting to talk about it. And even at the therapist I can imagine him "agreeing" for another two years again.

I don't want to say something that will upset you, but it sounds like there are bigger issues than even getting him to committ to TTC. Marriage is give and take and if he would not even be willing to go to a therapist with you if it was something that you needed from him and was important to you...to me, that's a big problem.

Sometimes, there are things I want to do that MH doesn't want to do...but he does them for me anyway because you have to compromise in marriage. It's not all about him and it's not all about me. Likewise, there are things MH wants to do that I am not a fan of (like play paintball), but I go and get pelted with paintballs because I love him and he enjoys the game.

Personally, I feel like maybe you both should work together on communication and compromise with a therapist or without before TTC.

Moneypenny424 · June 2011

Newother:
Well thanks for all of your responses even with such a long post.

Its a good point that if he is being ambivalent now he might be that way when it comes to childrearing, which would be a huge problem. But I get the sense that he is not being ambivalent but just not wanting to actually plan children out. I think he thinks all children just come randomly and people just deal with it when they do. We have been only TTA and he's well aware I can get pregnant at any time. He leaves it completely up to me whether or not we do. Its frustrating and very tempting when he knows I want to get pregnant now.

I think a therapist is a good idea but I know he won't want to go. It will end in an argument and him not wanting to talk about it. And even at the therapist I can imagine him "agreeing" for another two years again.

You need to have a frank discussion with him. You need to say, "I'm ready to have a child. What do you think of that and how should we go about this? I know you've said 'babies just happen,' but that isn't really how it works. If we stop taking all precautions against getting pregnant, are you okay with it? Do you want that right now?"

Like PP, I totally understand a guy not wanting to deal with some of the pressure of TTC. Also like PP, I will not share with DH any charting, OPK+s, etc.--he is ready for a child, but I don't want to make him feel like this is a job. I can't tell if your husband is in that camp, is totally indifferent (which is weird--a baby is a big deal and he should have feelings one way or the other), or if there is another explanation.

Don't just go ahead and get pregnant without getting some answers first. If he thinks TTC is a woman's decision, he is going to feel that way about raising a child too?

Jellybean707 · June 2011

brookelynpaisley:
My thoughts are that you two should grow up - honestly - and talk about when you want to start a family. Like adults, instead of this passive aggressive "you decide" nonsense. And conceiving "accidentally" is never a good idea. If you can't talk to your own husband about when to start a family, you've got bigger fish to fry, IMO.

Yes Agree.

Really not trying to be snarky but if you can't communicate about making a baby how are you going to communicate when you're raising one?

honeybunches101 · June 2011

I agree that it sounds like he's giving you major mixed signals and you definitely need to have another conversation about it with him, especially about WHY he wants to wait for 2 years. Maybe tell him to think about it and you want to talk about at X time, so he's not surprised about it and just says to put it off for 2 more years. You could try telling you're ready to start next cycle and you won't bring up when you're fertile and can just surprise him with the news if that is what he wants. Maybe he worries that 'trying' will be stressful, when it's basically not much different than what you're doing now. It sounds like he doesn't want to be the one to make the decision about when to have kids, but him pushing it off is a decision in and of itself.

It sounds a tiny bit like my DH. He wanted to get married, but wasn't really interested in ring shopping or talking about dates etc. I finally said 'lets go ring shopping on X day, okay?' and he said yes and bought the ring etc. With kids, he wants kids, but when I asked him when he wanted to start TTC, he said 'whenever' and 'your call.' So I told him I wanted to start in June, he said that sounds good, and so here we area. Now he's really excited, asks me every day about my temp, reminds me to take prenatals etc. I think he just needed a little push to get there. He is terrible at making decisions, about everything from what to have for dinner to when to have kids, so if I wasn't pushes things along, we'd still be dating and would probably never have kids.

An online advice columnist recently answered a similar question: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-shes-ready-for-a-baby-hes-not/2011/05/17/AG7eEiGH_story.html

Wow, sorry that got so long! Good luck!!

Newother · June 2011

willamina28:

First off, I'm sorry for your loss.

Secondly, I'm just a random person on the internet, but I say, just do it.

It sounded like he was happy when you got pregnant before, on accident.

It truly was an accident then. We were thinking of doing a year abroad so pregnancy was actually not in my plans. But I do think the miscarriage made my biological clock rev up, so to speak.

willamina28:

Thirdly, since you said you use the pull-out method. I think you will get your answer that way. When you tell him to stop pulling out, he will then know that you are trying to get pregnant. If he tells you no, then you have your answer.

That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to just not tell him to pull out because even though he knows the week I'm ovulating, I feel weird just getting pregnant without all the planning and excitement on his end. I don't like feeling like I have to tell him when to have children, I want him to want one like I do.

Newother · June 2011

jefa621:

Honestly? No. He's never said "I'm ready for a baby now." We discussed and made the decision together to stop BC. We both know what the possibilies are that come from not using it and he is fine with that. He asks me all the time if we "just made a baby" or if we could be making one. We both want kids, but are fine for a while if we don't. I know a lot of people will give me the side eye for this, but that's just where we are at this point.

That reminds me. DH made a joke before and said he wondered if we could even have children because we should've had one by now! (since we only TTA). But I think your husband is being more open than mine is. Mine's is just making silly jokes and indirect side comments.

byrne15 · June 2011

...

byrne15 · June 2011

I didn't know that society thought accidental pregnancy were bad

And if you get pg now...it was not an accident

cldixon · June 2011

ashcurious:
jmc1017:
TTC is not a decision you should make on your own. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your H about whether he really wants children or not. There's the potential of a lot of resentment on both ends without open, honest communication.

this.

byrne15 · June 2011

If your DH put his sperms inside of you accidently and then you made this post and he does it again and you get pg....it was not an accident

Newother · June 2011

byrne15:
If your DH put his sperms inside of you accidently and then you made this post and he does it again and you get pg....it was not an accident

Confused I meant that getting pregnant "accidentally on purpose" is viewed as wrong because it usually involves a woman trapping a man or stealing his sperm.

finchleyflower · June 2011

I think it's v important that you talk to your husband and that you reach the decision together. There will inevitably be times when having a baby causes tension in your relationships or stops you from doing things you want to do. You want to know your husband wants this as much as you, won't blame you for things when they get difficult. Frankly you need to have an honest discussion, and your husband needs to identify what he feels... then you can perhaps say, we are not ready yet but we wil revisit the subject in x months. Good luck.

PenelopePond · June 2011

I did this with DS. I knew DH was ready but he was too nervous to give the okay. I stopped using my birth control and a few months later I was pregnant. I was worried he might be upset but he was super happy when I told him. This time around when I asked him if it was time to get my Mirena removed he said "Well, you decided last time and look how well that turned out." I know not all men would be like that, but mine was pretty awesome about it.

Newother · June 2011

I just want to re-emphasize that I have spoken with my husband many times about this. Its not like I'm just not trying to talk things out. In the past, I was more pressuring about it but have since stopped talking about it as often because he said "Not ready yet" a lot back then where I just gave up. But in more recent years he's been dropping hints and when I discuss with him he either wants to change the subject, put it off to talk about another time, or say its up to me.

I admit that I find it harder and harder to talk to him because I feel I was constantly being rejected and put off, yet encouraged at the same time. I will definitely try to talk to him again about it, but simply "talking" ain't working. This time I'll just let him know that I am not trying to prevent pregnancy anymore and this is what I am going to do and if he has a problem with it then let me know, and walk away. Then see how he'll respond. If he really doesn't want a baby then he'll take active steps to stop it by letting me know definitively he doesn't want that and I will have him use a condom if that's the case. If he continues to act ambivalent or want to have risky sex then at least he'll know what I am going to do. I'm tired of making alternate plans in my life for if we have a baby next year or if we don't. I want to plan my life around a baby, not a baby around our lives. But if he decides he doesn't want to yet again and has been playing around, then I'm prepared to give him a deadline at this point or else.

MrsT2008 · June 2011

Newother:
All this time we used the withdrawal method and TTA, no BC pills or condoms. But we've been TTA for over a year now and he doesn't want to pull out anymore. He also understands that I am fertile at certain times of the month but won't pull out unless I tell him to.

that's your answer - he's ok with you getting pregnant. stop thinking so much and just do it

melissa721 · June 2011

It doesn't sound like he is totally committed. And TBH, I would skip the whole do you or don't you conversation again. His evasive attitude says it all. I would, however, tell him flat out that I would be using some form of BC from here on out until he decides he is actually ready. I would this to avoid getting pregnant by someone whose heart just isn't in it right now because that could get messy...

nursemama2be · June 2011

nursemama2be · June 2011

Newother · June 2011

melissa721:
It doesn't sound like he is totally committed. And TBH, I would skip the whole do you or don't you conversation again. His evasive attitude says it all. I would, however, tell him flat out that I would be using some form of BC from here on out until he decides he is actually ready. I would this to avoid getting pregnant by someone whose heart just isn't in it right now because that could get messy...

I actually don't think he is not committed or wouldn't be committed, I think he just doesn't want to take the step to make the commitment, and probably think its easier to put it on me so that he can blame me when times are tough (like another poster said). But I am not willing to continue waiting on him if he says no again or doesn't give me an answer. If he puts it off and says he just isn't ready again I do plan to make him use condoms (we both don't think highly of BC pills) until the deadline. He's been doing this for about 7 years now and while I was okay with waiting back then I don't think someone should take that long to decide to TTC. He never had good excuses either except not being ready yet or having enough money, but we'll never have "enough" money and I don't even know what being "ready" would entail. Seems like its a matter of deciding to grow up and be a father or not. I don't think he has been thinking about it in between our talks I think he just putting it off until I get mad enough to make demands and either force him with an ultimatum or an "accident."

magsugar13 · June 2011

I think you both sound way too immature to be having a baby.

honeybee72 · June 2011

Newother:
I just want to re-emphasize that I have spoken with my husband many times about this. Its not like I'm just not trying to talk things out. In the past, I was more pressuring about it but have since stopped talking about it as often because he said "Not ready yet" a lot back then where I just gave up. But in more recent years he's been dropping hints and when I discuss with him he either wants to change the subject, put it off to talk about another time, or say its up to me.

This, to me, screams "I am not ready!" There is such a thing, you know, as just not feeling ready. It may be nothing more than a feeling with no logic behind it, but it is no less valid. He is telling you he's not ready, listen to him. "But what about the hints?" you say. If he is waffling, he may have days where he thinks it would be nice and, I agree, that makes it difficult for you. But it what he says and does when you ask him point blank that matters.

Newother:
I admit that I find it harder and harder to talk to him because I feel I was constantly being rejected and put off, yet encouraged at the same time. I will definitely try to talk to him again about it, but simply "talking" ain't working. This time I'll just let him know that I am not trying to prevent pregnancy anymore and this is what I am going to do and if he has a problem with it then let me know, and walk away. Then see how he'll respond. If he really doesn't want a baby then he'll take active steps to stop it by letting me know definitively he doesn't want that and I will have him use a condom if that's the case. If he continues to act ambivalent or want to have risky sex then at least he'll know what I am going to do. I'm tired of making alternate plans in my life for if we have a baby next year or if we don't. I want to plan my life around a baby, not a baby around our lives. But if he decides he doesn't want to yet again and has been playing around, then I'm prepared to give him a deadline at this point or else.

This is why I agree with what mags said 100%. This is not how married adults deal with difficult situations. Look, kids are a tough subject. You can't compromise on this issue in a marriage if you want to be partners in raising your children. If you're ok doing it on your own, by all means, do what I've bolded. If you want him by your side, then start talking to him like an adult who wants to consider her partners feelings. Tell him you're ready and you want him to be too, but you're just not sure he is and you don't want to go this alone. Then listen to his answer.

Want a personalized experience?

"Accidentally" TTC? - Unique situation

Re: &quot;Accidentally&quot; TTC? - Unique situation

Me: 30, DH: 33 Married 8/3/08
BFP 7/16/2012 (8th cycle), EDD 3/27/2012, Delivered 3/24/2013 - IT'S A BOY!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

&quot;Accidentally&quot; TTC? - Unique situation

Re: &amp;quot;Accidentally&amp;quot; TTC? - Unique situation

Me: 30, DH: 33 Married 8/3/08 BFP 7/16/2012 (8th cycle), EDD 3/27/2012, Delivered 3/24/2013 - IT'S A BOY!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

"Accidentally" TTC? - Unique situation

Re: "Accidentally" TTC? - Unique situation

Me: 30, DH: 33 Married 8/3/08
BFP 7/16/2012 (8th cycle), EDD 3/27/2012, Delivered 3/24/2013 - IT'S A BOY!