High-Risk Pregnancy
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Really need to vent... (incredibly long textwall)
First off, sorry for the lack of formatting this is going to have. I don't have a laptop, so I have to make due with my Wii.
I've never been an optimistic person. That's made this pregnancy so much harder. It seems like no matter how much I pray, how much water I drink, or how little time I spend on my feet, there is always bad news waiting for me at my peri's office. My cervix just keeps getting shorter, despite all of the sacrifices I've made to keep this baby in. At 27w3d, it was 2.2cm. That's when CBR started. A week later, at 28w3d, it had fallen to 1.1cm, and began to funnel. The fFn was positive now. So we began Procardia and Progesterone, along with the steroid shots. This week, at 29w3d, I barely have a cervix left at all, at .53cm. The medicine and bedrest isn't working, and I am devastated.
I was given the choice to stay home or be admitted to the hospital. I chose to stay home. My peri isn't concerned enough to make me stay in the hospital, since I'm only a fingertip dilated. Were I more, he said he would have forced the issue. But he's certain this baby won't wait until term.
I feel lied to, really. I feel deprived of a normal, healthy and happy pregnancy. I spend my days trying to keep my mind off of it, but in the back of my head, I'm constantly worrying. I quietly fester in my own anxiety and can't seem to find my way out of it.
I'm sorry if this seems very "woe is me." I'm sure a lot of you are struggling, too. I just have no one to vent to, so I really needed this. I've avoided telling people about the severity of the situation because I'm almost afraid it will cause things to somehow worsen... Thanks for listening.
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Re: Really need to vent... (incredibly long textwall)
It's normal to feel anxiety and feel cheated of a perfect pregnancy. But it sounds like you may be feeling more than that and you should really share these feelings with your doctor. Depression in pregnancy is real and can lead to even more severe post partum depression, so it's best to address these feelings now.
As far as what you are going through, just take deep breaths and be thankful for each day you are pregnant. These were the cards you were dealt, and no matter how crappy the hand is, you owe it to yourself, your SO, and you baby to do the best you can with it!
Good luck!
It is very difficult to feel like your body has failed at something that it seemingly was made to do - even when you've done everything right. You need to talk to someone and get your feelings out. Telling people how bad it is will not make the actual situation worse, but it may/may not make you feel better depending on how sensitive people are to what you have to say.
You may also wish to go hang out on the Preemies board. The moms on there can relate to your feelings, and you will see a lot of preemie success stories, which may help you come to terms with your little one coming early and prepare you for what's ahead.
Best wishes.
Don't feel bad for feeling this way or for needing to vent. You are mourning the loss of what pregnancy looked like to you. Everyone starts out this process with certain expectations and when life throws you a curve ball (like it has for a lot of us on here) it takes awhile to come to terms with the new reality. My situation is not severe at all. I'm simply dilated and therefore on modified bed rest. But it is still really hard for me because sitting on my couch is not how I pictured being pregnant this time. Now toss in some good old pregnancy hormones and the motherly instinct to protect your baby at all costs and no wonder you having a tough time.
Did your hospital or doctor give you any contact info for help? My hospital sent me home with some 'while you are waiting resources' and there are some phone numbers for people to whom to talk about just these kind of feelings. And maybe not tell all your friends and family the ever involving details but do you have just one person you could completely unload to? And we are all here for you! I'm not on the boards much since my bed rest allows me to do some work from home but I've noticed the ladies on here seem pretty supportive and fantastic.