Marriage advice?

PrincessShay80 · June 2011

DH and I are really going through a tough patch, so bad that I am :thisclose: to up and leaving. I just can't deal with it anymore. I can't stand the constant bickering about stupid little stuff, I can't deal with him blowing things way out of proportion and taking it out on me- last night we got into a screaming match about the air conditioner- yes the a/c! I'm also sick to death of his anal behavior when it comes to just about everything, the banker in him makes me crazy. He's an obsessive planner and it drives me nuts.

I know that I could make it on my own, I would happily move back to SC ( I am miserable living in Las Vegas- We have been working on moving because I hate it here so much), and be close to my mom, step dad and lots of friends. I'm educated I could easily get a good job and know that I would get a good divorce settlement (I have already consulted an attorney) but even with all that being a single mom at 30 with a 18 month old scares me.

I keep telling myself that despite all his faults, he's a good dad, he doesn't cheat, he doesnt' drink or gamble- should I just count my lucky stars and deal with the other crap?

I just can't imagine that this is all there is to life- all we do is go out to dinner and come home, or maybe go out with friends occasionally- when we are together we have nothing to talk about, we don't have any common interests. I specifically plan vacations with other people because I really don't like being alone with him, because I think he's boring.

I don't know if this is just a "funk" we are in, I don't know if I love him or not- I find myself being so happy when I know he's working late or going out with friends, but is that enough to break up my family? I just don't know. Any advice ladies?

Thanks!

OrangeSmoke · June 2011

First - I think you would be nuts if being a single mom with an 18 month old doesn't scare you.

Second- Can you remember what made you fall in love with him in the first place? You say he bores you, what was it that you guys had in the beginning?

Third - How does he feel about your marriage?

mrsolsenk12 · June 2011

I would see a marriage counselor ASAP. Sometimes sitting down and talking with someone about issues can help you decide if you still want to be married. GL, i can only imagine how stressful it is for you.

PrincessShay80 · June 2011

OrangeSmoke:

First - I think you would be nuts if being a single mom with an 18 month old doesn't scare you.

Second- Can you remember what made you fall in love with him in the first place? You say he bores you, what was it that you guys had in the beginning? Honeslty, I don't remember- I know that he was more fun back in the day- our friendships have really changed- everyone had kids since then and became hermits, that has been very hard for both of us- we both miss our friends and the way things used to be. I guess I thought that our frineds should change when we had kids- instead they just fell apart. I look back at pictures and we looked so happy- we don't have that look anymore.

Third - How does he feel about your marriage? He feels that we have lost our "connection" too, but I think he is more willing to want to fix it then I am, but his way of fixing it is me changing- I want to compromise- he thinks his way is the only way.

artygirl · June 2011

How long have you felt like this? For me (and this is just for me) a funk lasts a couple of weeks.

I don't think you should just 'count your lucky stars and deal with the other crap' That doesn't sound like a happy life to me. However, I don't think you should just up and leave. I think that you need to have a honest conversation with him, telling him how you feel, and tell him that you would like to go to couples counseling.

You say that you don't know if you love him or not. I think you need to explore your emotions a little and find the answer to that question.

I'm so sorry that you are having a rough patch right now.

Marriage can be a challenge, that's for sure.

togo · June 2011

I second the marriage counselor. Sorry you are in this situation. I hope you guys can work things out.

dana316 · June 2011

My advice is to seek marriage counseling...today.

My Mom and step dad did the therapy thing, and it has absolutely saved their marriage. Their marriage sounds a LOT like yours, and they are much happier than they have ever been.

I'm not in your situation, but I would never 'up and leave' without giving it every effort. Relationships and families are too precious to give up without the fight of your life.

Good luck.

MBandBud · June 2011

I fifth? a counselor. IMHO that should be the call before the attorney. I think you owe it to your marriage, your child, your DH and you to give this everything you have.

DavezWife · June 2011

I have no answers, b'c I'm right in the trenches with cha. The past 3 yrs of CONSTANT cycling has built a nice solid brick wall 'tween us. I used to FAWN over this man. Now I want to choke him for breathing too loud. Lol. I am a fan of ''fake it till u make it'' and the Love Language book. I also subscribe to the idea of working HARD at getting OUT of a marriage, u don't get to just quit. Hugs and all that stuff, you have my email if u wanna vent, or plan a vacation. Lol. With him alone, or just us girls, haha.

LuckySunshineBaby · June 2011

For sure, see a counselor. But, I will add that I can relate to wanting to move "home". One thing I've realized is I remember the way it was back home, not the way it is. My old friends that I have so much fun with when I'm in town have new friends. And it will never be like it was. Plus, I would never agree to let DH take our child out of state and I highly doubt he would either. I also couldn't take DD away from him on a regular basis. I would ask the single parent fir more advice on this, but you may be painting too rosy of a view on your future. Just my two cents!

PrincessShay80 · June 2011

MBandBud:
I fifth? a counselor. IMHO that should be the call before the attorney. I think you owe it to your marriage, your child, your DH and you to give this everything you have.

The only reason I consulted an attorney was because about a month ago DH was threatening a divorce- he was telling me that he would leave me with nothing, and totally screw me over (it was a very heated argument), After talking to my parents they took me to see an attorney, just to find out legally what I could do. DH and I have a lot of assetts, I had to know what he could and couldnt do to me.

After that my parents set up bank accounts for me that DH doesn't know about, just in case- if he ever just up and leaves DD and I will be fine- his plan of leaving me with nothing would not happen, my parents are very big into protecting me and their grand daughter.

Mr.&MrsS · June 2011

Have you talked to your DH about this? Does he know you want to leave? I think you should talk to him about it and give him a chance to work on things (and see a therapist) first. I am against staying together for the kids, but I also think you owe it to your DD to give it everything you have before calling ot quits. (And maybe you have, I dont mean to sound judgy).

Good luck, I am sure this is such a tough spot to be in.

madhatter2003 · June 2011

Yikes. I'd 100% 6th (or whatever) support counseling. DH and I went through some tough times where I didn't think we'd ever get back to what we had 'before kids' and counseling 100% changed our relationship for the better.

It worries me that you guys are throwing around such strong words and taking steps like hiding money, etc without having tried to talk things through. We all have funks, but this has definitely progressed past that. But it can still be worked through IF both of you are willing to work at it. And it will take WORK, and probably feel worse before it gets better.

I would never let my kids move out of state, so think about that too...just because you could go 'home' doesn't mean you 'should' for your DD's sake.

And remember, history always looks better than it was at the time sometimes...the 'rose tinted' glasses, etc. Life is hard sometimes.

JGirl2005 · June 2011

I'm sorry you are going through this. I will tell you that most marriages ahve a rouigh time after baby. You are not alone.

jiffy-pop · June 2011

I would try anything and everything before getting a divorce. If you don't want to seek counseling or can't get him to go, maybe try getting involved in a local church group. Speaking from my own experience, we faught a lot and DH really had anger issues before we really got things right with God. Believe it or not, DH actually became a preacher and we are more in love now than we every were. If fact, it's almost as if our love grows stronger all the time. Anyway, that's what worked for us. It wouldn't hurt to give it a try!

PrincessShay80 · June 2011

madhatter2003:

Yikes. I'd 100% 6th (or whatever) support counseling. DH and I went through some tough times where I didn't think we'd ever get back to what we had 'before kids' and counseling 100% changed our relationship for the better.

It worries me that you guys are throwing around such strong words and taking steps like hiding money, etc without having tried to talk things through. We all have funks, but this has definitely progressed past that. But it can still be worked through IF both of you are willing to work at it. And it will take WORK, and probably feel worse before it gets better.

I would never let my kids move out of state, so think about that too...just because you could go 'home' doesn't mean you 'should' for your DD's sake.

And remember, history always looks better than it was at the time sometimes...the 'rose tinted' glasses, etc. Life is hard sometimes.

Part of the issues that DH and I have is that I want to move closer to my family, not in their backyard. DH had agreed to do this, and we were planning on moving in 6-9 months, to about 3 hours away from my family, but in the same town as my sister- it just so happenes that DH's company is headquarted where my sister and her family lives. Even thought DH has agreed to move it's still put a strain on our relationship.

I would have to move home if I was a single mom, I have no support system anywhere else, DH knows this- he has no issues with me moving back there if we were to split up, he knows being around my family is best for me and for DD as well, his family is complete mess, and he doesnt want DD around that anymore than I do. I also think DH knows that my family would make a big legal stink if he didnt allow me to move with DD- and that is not something that he is willing to go up against. My dad had a very strong worded conversation with DH about a month ago and I don't know the specifics, but I know my dad- and in the end DH knows he would loose if he goes up again my dad.

Let me be clear- it was not my idea to "hide money" from DH- but when your husband is threating to leave you and drain the bank accounts so you have nothing, you have to protect yourself and your child. This was my parents idea just as a precaution.

madhatter2003 · June 2011

I get that you need to protect yourself if a divorce happens, but it's a very slippery slope. Your idea or not, they did it (I'm assuming it's your parents money they are putting aside for you and not your own money). Plus with your dad 'talking' to him, etc....are YOU talking to your DH? Talking...not fighting, not bickering, really sitting down and discussing what you want out of life, where you want to be in 10 years, etc. It sounds like you've had career pressures, we've all had family pressures, but you guys are a team now. Is DH really ready to work with you on this? Does he want to move or is he just doing it...maybe there is a plan B you guys can come up with together or at the very least talk through it. I do think if you are miserable in LV then he should consider moving to be by your family, but moving is stressful on top of the other issues you are having. If he's making threats then maybe it's good to be prepared, but looking from the outside it looks like you are done and ready to walk sort of thing.

cjsbdl · June 2011

I agree you need counseling ASAP. I can sense the bitterness in your post and that's not a good situation for anyone to be in, especially a young child. Whether you stay married to this man or not, he will always be your daughter's father and you guys need to learn to treat each other with respect, for her sake. I think counseling will help with this.

I understand that you need guidance and you are looking to your parents for this, but it sounds like they are more involved in this situation than they need to be, and tht's never a good idea. This tactic is only going to serve to make your husband feel cornered and defensive.

If I were in your shoes I think I would be seeking counseling and fighting for my marriage, but only you know how far you are willing to go to preserve your family.

Good luck!

SeaSoul · June 2011

I don't know how to say this without it coming across as offensive, but from an outsider's perspective, based on what you've told us, it sounds like you and your DH are both handling this rough patch in an immature fashion. Heated arguments, threats, getting parents involved...that kind of thing. I understand the spark being gone, communication being poor, and feeling bored with each other. And if it has come to a point where there is truly no turning back, then it's a sad reality. But I think you owe it to yourselves and your daughter to try to be more calm and mature about this, and to seek the help of an impartial 3rd party (counselor). You may both find that you allowed yourselves to get too caught up in the stress of it all, and that really digging deep and putting some work into your marriage will have surprisingly positive results. If your DH really is more willing to work at it than you, then I would think he'd agree to counseling...and no counselor is going to say that you're the only one who needs to change. Give it a shot - I hope next time you post about this subject, it will be about the upturn your marriage has taken!

emmyloustu · June 2011

Another vote for counseling! It saved my best friend's marriage. You owe to yourselves and DD to seek out a non-biased 3rd party. Good luck!

happytracy · June 2011

Everyone has given good advice... I just wanted to say I am very sorry you are dealing with this. My marriage has been pretty bumpy these days with the stress of a baby and a 2 year old and a DH who works all.the.time. I feel like we have been arguing like crazy these days. Just wanted to offer (((HUGS))) and hope whatever you decide gives you peace. Its very hard to figure things out when children are involved. Ultimately you need to do what is best for your child.

MoFree · June 2011

First I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. To repeat what others have suggested, I strongly suggest you and your DH go to joint counseling. Even if your marriage is beyond repair, you will always be your daughter's parents and the more amicable you are to each other, the better it will be for her. Also, please, please leave your parents out of the equation. Regardless of your relationship with them. Your mom and dad's involvement can only be detrimental. You are an adult, not an elementary school child and your dad should not be fighting your battles for you. GL and I hope you can work things out.

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