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Success after IF
TTC since Dec '04
Severe MFI-diagnosed 12/06
3 failed Fresh IVFs
FET #1 - BFP!! 2 blasts tx on day 6.
Beta #1 8dp6dt = 56, Beta #2 = 600, Beta #3 = 5600
My Blog
advice needed: family/visitors & L&D
Backstory: When we had E, we lived in MD and the only family that came down was my parents. My mom was there for my entire L&D and it was a wonderful experience. My Inlaws - MIL and 2 SILs were 350 miles away and still managed to drive Sean absolutely crazy. They called incessantly and the longer my labor went on, the more hysterical they became. They were never on board with the all natural/birthing center approach from the get go.
Dh was on the phone at 3am fighting with his sister because she was crying, telling him that me and the baby were going to die because it had been too long since my water broke and that he needed to fire the MW and demand a C-section immediately. She went totally BSC. He finally told her to MYOB and turned off his phone. I was spared much of the drama, but my mom and my nurse said it was BAD and really upsetting DH. We still hear about how "dangerous" my labor was to this day.
Fast fwd to this delivery. they all live 20min away and are planning to flock to the hospital in droves, which we are NOT comfortable with for obvious reasons mentioned above. Also, Dh's family is HUGE - over 20 of them just siblings/spouses/older nieces/nephews and I do not want a freaking circus parade in the hospital. I am planning an a medfree, low intervention, waterbirth with a MW.
So would you:
1. Not tell anyone (besides my mom who has to take Eliza) when I go into labor and just call everyone AFTER the baby is born. Potential issues with this scenario - I believe it will cause MAJOR hurt feelings and arguments.
OR
2. Lay down the law now - no visitors in L&D. We will call you and tell you when it is ok to visit? Problems with his scenario - I think feelings will still be hurt and I think they will still show up at the hospital regardless of what we say. Now, I know they won't allowed to visit my room if we say no, but still...
Thoughts? Advice? Something else I am not considering?
TTC since Dec '04
Severe MFI-diagnosed 12/06
3 failed Fresh IVFs
FET #1 - BFP!! 2 blasts tx on day 6.
Beta #1 8dp6dt = 56, Beta #2 = 600, Beta #3 = 5600
My Blog
This discussion has been closed.
Re: advice needed: family/visitors & L&D
Are you having the baby at a birthing center or hospital? I had dd at a hospital and the nurse told me upfront that she would do all of the dirty work for me....like kicking people out, etc. Maybe you could talk to your MW about it and see how to handle it? I am sure they have dealt with it before.
If you do have to do it all yourself, I would lay down the law beforehand. This is your baby and your experience. They may not like it, but it's not their choice.
GL!
Because we're fancy like that.
This.
You don't owe anyone any explanation or excuses.
If anyone asks why they were not called sooner look them in the face with an exasperated expression and say: "We were kinda busy!!!"
They'll be so excited to meet the baby that any hurt feelings about not being there during delivery will be forgotten.
If you tell them in advance there's more time for drama to unfold.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
This! I just had a normal in the hospital birth. And my IL's and SIL's were standing at the foot of my hospital bed with in 24 hours of me giving birth even thought we told them NOT too. We also live over 3000 miles away from our family and they didn't really care!
Jake was also in the NICU and it caused a few tension filled days..they have no sense of bounderies. They wanted to constantly take him out of the icubator..hold him..take tones of picutres..ect..Hello he is just 3lbs and needs to be in there to grow. Anyway, I wouldn't tell them..If you know they will be there even if you tell them NOT too then I wouldn't say anything. Risky yes..but worth your sanity and how you want to have your birth/birthing experience...
I would wait to call them. You could tell them that your labor was progressing so quickly that you were really just focused on that or if they dare get hurt feelings remind them every so kindly that a healthy baby has been born and that's something to celebrate no matter when you hear the news.
With my first we asked that no-one come to the hospital but my MIL not only came, she convinced one nurse to let her in the room (something I had specifically told them not to do). So, with our second she got a phone call after I delivered and it will be the same with this baby.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
After my first child and everyone sat at the hospital I decided with Ry that no one would know other than who was watching my first when I went in. With my first I never even got to hold him because everyone else did and then he had to go to the nursery.
I made it very clear to everyone that this was my experience and this was how it would be. My mother was the only one hurt and upset, but she got over it. This is your birth experience, your family...that comes first. I specifically did not want people calling and texting constantly...we did not need that stress. This last time more people knew than I would have liked, but I made it clear not to contact us that we would contact them when the baby was there. We also said with the last two that we did not want any visitors the first day in L&D except for our children. We wanted and needed our time to bond. Oh and we also told everyone NOTHING on FB until we have posted and we say it is okay. We wanted time to make sure we reached everyone we wanted to tell first
YOU CAN NEVER GET THAT TIME BACK. Do things how you want. Be firm. This is your experience and it is important it is just what you want to the best it can be. Good luck
DEFINITELY WAIT!
I'd suggest waiting even if it weren't for your history. Knowing that they have their own strong opinions, in addition to their own excitement, makes makes them wait that much easier. Well, harder to do, but easier to decide to do, I hope.
Good luck!!!
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
Diagnosed PCOS & MFI-Success with IUI
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
Dont call right away, wait until you are a little further along. If they come and congregate in the waiting room, it wont matter to you because you wont even see them. It's up to them if they want to sit and wait hours while you labor.
If they ask why you didnt call right away, just say you werent sure if it was really labor and didnt want to get everyone all excited if it wasnt the real thing.
-----Lisa-----
I might go for a sort of compromise. Maybe call them when you get to a certain point, but say that you are not really wanting a room full of company and you'll call them again after baby arrives.
Then, when they show up anyway, the nurses will do the dirty work and kick them all out.
I have kicked MANY people out of my patients rooms...and they rarely ever argued. I've even worked out secret signals with my patient's beforehand, so that they can signal me when they want me to throw everyone out. The signal would be totally benign...something like asking for a specific kind of juice, or telling her that your elbow hurts or something.
This is YOUR time...do whatever you need to do to make sure you don't have any regrets. Whatever happens and they get their feelings hurt, they WILL get over it. What choice do they have?
In the end, this is not about them, this is about you, Daddy and baby...that's it.
I feel the same. I have a lot of guilt about either scenario, to be honest. Then I remember the stress DH was under with them during Eliza's birth and how neurotic his sister was when his dad was in the hospital, and then I don't feel so badly. We will just keep mulling it over and see if we can't come up with some compromise.
We didn't tell ANYONE about our homebirth (for many of those reasons) and we didn't tell anyone when labor started. It was my time to be in labor and I knew I didn't need everyone else's stress to be projected onto me. I think my parents and sister were a little hurt, but they never said anything to me. And quite honestly, my labor kick-started so fast that I wouldn't have had time to chat with anyone about labor starting.
So my opinion? Call them when the baby is in your arms and then you tell them when you are ready for visitors. Lie if you have to (say labor started too fast, the hospital has a rule, etc). This is your birth- not theirs.
My 2 cents...
I would do a combo of 1 and 2. Everyone knew what day Eviction Day was. I was either going to get induced or have a c/s.
I had family issues on my side, my mother was not made for children (little or adult). She had major issues with my pregnancy, even after she knew the IF and the treatments that go with that, she told me "there are ways to take care of it". She also threw a temper tantrum at BRU when my sis was visiting from FL when I was 3 1/2 months pg because I didn't park in the expecting mother's spot. That was the last time I saw her until one week before delivery (she blew me off at Thanksgiving and Christmas). At that time she demanded that she be there for the delivery. I said it more than likely will be a c/s since he was measuring at 9 lbs the week before, and that they only allow one person in the operating room. She thought it should be her and I said no, it should be DH. He will be supportive and can handle the blood and guts. She was ticked and stormed out. We didn't take any chances and told the hospital (which they told us during childbirth classes) that we were not to have visitors before or in the first 24 hours after the birth. We wanted that time to bond with our child and it worked wonderfully.
Check to see if you can have a "no visitors until xxx". I'm sure they would allow that. Good luck.
I once had a picture until the trolls showed up.
TTC #1 7/08 PCOS dx 8/28/04 Met 1000 mg and Clomid cycles 1-4 1/6/09-5/2/09 BFN
Clomid 100mg 6/4/09=O'd=BFP on 6/29/09! Beta@14DPO 70.8 Beta@16DPO 152. EDD 3/7/10.
First u/s on 7/13/09 @6w0d heard and saw heartbeat 102 bpm.
K M #1 arrived via c/s 3/1/10 10 lbs, 22 inches long at 39 weeks.
Surprise expecting #2. Med-free BFP on 8/1/11! Beta@15DPO 58.2 Beta@17DPO 198.3 Beta@23DPO 2338. EDD 4/9/12
K M #2 arrived via c/s 3/19/12 9 lbs 2 oz, 21 inches long at 37 weeks.
"If we weren't all crazy we would go insane."