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School-Aged Children
mean kids
I was wondering if anyone else has had to deal with other children being unfriendly to your kids and how you handled it. We were so excited to move into our home two years ago because the next door neighbors have a little boy the same age as our oldest. They have gone to the same preschool and will be going to the same kindergarten in the fall, so I was so hopeful that they would get along. And it isn't that this little boy is anti-social - he plays outside all the time with his older sister and her friends. My son has tried to join them - whenever we see them playing outside, my son rushes out to play with him (so excited at the idea of having someone to play with)- only to have them either run into their house when they see him, or run into their backyard and close the gate. It breaks my heart. Just the other day, my son saw him playing in his front yard and went over to ask him to play, and I heard him say to my son 'if you want to ask me to play you have to stand in this spot'. So my son went to that spot and asked him to play, and the other little boy said 'No, you can't play with me. Go back in your own yard'. My sons little lip was quivering as he came back into our yard. I just can't understand it. When did little kids get so mean? When I was little, all the neighbor kids got together to play. We didn't have to be best friends or anything, but it was more fun to play with someone than alone. I'm so torn as to how to deal with this. Is it my son's personality? He LOVES to talk, and I think he sometimes overcompensates for feeling insecure (sounds like bragging), but he is kind and likes to have fun and play. Should I encourage my son to keep trying? He wants a friend so bad, but I don't want to set him up only to get his feelings hurt. Part of me wants to talk to the mom (who also isn't very friendly) but another part thinks that this might unfortunately be one of those life lessons about how not everyone will want to be your friend, and you just have to accept that and move on. Sorry this is so long, but I'd appreciate any advice...
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Re: mean kids
We have a similar, but different issue with the boy next door. I banned him from our house last summer because he was such a little crapper (punched DD in the face on multiple occasions). The topper was when his mother said to DD after a face punch, "If you play with boys, you have to expect to get hit." NO, teach your kid some manners. They are allowed to play together now, but I do not let my kids play in their yard and they know that they cannot go over there. They are only allowed to play with him if he comes over here, and he can only stay if he behaves.
It sucks because I like the mom for the most part, but she doesn't parent (dad does, but he is working much of the time). Our house has all the outdoor toys, so the kids want to play here, we have lots of other kids who stop by to play on their way home from daycare, so it is an attractive place to play and a big porch for the parents to hang out.
I try to teach DD that not everyone is a good playmate. It sucks, but I have a couple of other friends who I love, but I don't bring DD around their children because she is sweet and loves everyone and they just aren't. The other parents get it, fortunately, so we can still hang out without kids.
The problem is that your next door neighbor already has very desirable playmates: his older sister and her friends. He doesn't NEED your son's companionship in the same way your son NEEDS his. This is setting your son up to be a victim of playground politics. Unfortunately, this little boy is probably taking his cues from the older girls. If the girls are entering 2nd grade or older, they've gotten to the age where excluding people and playing power games is a more normal part of social interaction than it is in kindergarten.
What you might want to do is call the mom and invite the little boy over for a more formal, structured playdate. If they accept, it will give the two boys a chance to interact without the influence of the older kids. If they don't accept, it means that the sister has probably already convinced the little boy that he "doesn't like" your son, which is a real shame. If the parents have allowed this to happen, then it's an indication that you're dealing with people who aren't very nice. You can expect their kids to be a pain the butt as well.
If they do agree to the playdate, you might want to let the boys play on their own, but stay within earshot at all times so you can get a better sense of the dynamic between the two of them. If your son is "trying too hard" and it's annoying the other kid, you can have a talk with your son after the playdate and work on this. On the other hand, if the other kid is often mean and hurtful, even when he's away from the older kids, you'll know that you don't want to invest a whole lot of time helping your kid cultivate a friendship with the other boy.
Either way, take comfort in the fact that a kid's social world REALLY opens up in kindergarten. In a class of 20-25 kids, your son will certainly find a handful of boys and girls who are really nice and fun to play with. Then, it won't seem so important if the next door neighbor is your kid's buddy or not.
thanks for your response! Oh, my - I would flip if some kid actually hit my son! I guess the good part for you and your DD is that it sounds like there are tons of other kids for her to play with. I wish we were YOUR neighbors - your house sounds like the place to be! : )
neverblushed - I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head. I never really thought about the role that the older girls might be playing. I guess I thought they were all too young for that, but you are right - they are 3rd and 4th graders, and although I never really experienced the power playing games and the like until junior high, I think that is most likely what is going on. I also think you are right that my son is 'trying too hard' and that just feeds into everything.
I really appreciate your insightfulness, and think the playdate idea is a good one. I guess I had been hoping something might evolve naturally, but it seems that isn't going to happen, so that would be a good way to see everyone's true colors, and if this is something worth pursuing, or if we should just move on.
It helps a lot to think that my son will have opportunities to make friends in kindergarten, too. I absolutely agree that if we had some other 'options' we wouldn't be so fixated on forcing a friendship with the neighbor boy. Thank you!
I was surprised by this too. The social lives of kids have changed since I was in elementary school. I happen to live on a rural road with few neighbors, so all of my kids' socializing is through school, activities, or playdates. There's no way to "just walk over to so-and-so's house" from where we live. However, even my kids' friends who live in subdivisions nearby don't do that. When kids play, it's almost always through an arranged playdate, even with their next door neighbors.
I haven't introduced myself on this board yet, so I hope it's ok if I chime in.
We have a similar problem with my DD. We've moved around a ton, so while she makes friends easily, she has been unable to maintain those friendships. We moved into our latest place two weeks ago, and so far, we haven't met many friendly children. In addition, their mothers seem cliquy and aloof. Yesterday, my DD had a very hard time with 2 boys on the playground who were being mean for the sake of it. DD kept trying to approach them and to play with them. She was being very kind, introduced herself and even said "can we be friends today?" They were rude, to say the least.
The thing is, some people aren't worth the effort. If your neighbor boy isn't friendly, and his mother isn't friendly, why put forth so much effort into being social with them? I agree with PPs too, the older sisters probably have something to do with it as well. The little boy you describe actually sounds pretty unhappy to me, and while that is unfortunate, it's not your DS's job to fix.
Is there any other way you can find social outlets for your DS? Sports, classes, camp? I don't know if Chick-fil-A is in your area, but my DD makes a new "friend" every time she goes, and some of those connections have turned into playdates. Your son deserves friends, but he deserves to be friends with kids worth his time. Friendship shouldn't hurt. My heart goes out to your little guy, and I wish you both well. GL!
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Miracle DD born 12.2005
TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
***P/SAIF Always Welcome***
Keep it Natural, Baby!
Hi JMay - Yeah, I guess this is like culture shock for me because where I lived previously people were just much nicer. Nearly every day all of the neighbor kids hung out and played while the moms got to talk. It was so nice. I expected it to be similar here, but it's not at all. I recently went back to my hometown for a few days and took my boys to the park there, and it was such a different experience. My son was running around playing with tons of other boys, mothers were coming up and chatting with me - it really makes me wish we could move back.
I guess the reason I've really wanted the situation to work out with the neighbor boy is because I've seen how nice it is for my son to have a neighbor to play with. We didn't have to organize anything - when the kids want to play, they just go out and play. Plus, I guess I just really hate the idea of my son feeling rejected at such a young age. I mean, if the other kids are outside playing, and my son goes outside, they all run away. He knows what they're doing, and it really hurts his feelings. It's getting to the point where if my son knows they are outside, he won't go out there, which is so sad to me. I don't want him to feel that uncomfortable at his own home.
We've been involved in our local mom n' me for a couple of years, which is okay. It provides opportunities for us to get out of the house and do stuff, and there are some kids his age that he gets along with. It must just be the area that we live in now, though, because though the people there are polite, it doesn't seem as though any real 'friendships' are formed there. We also do sports and go to the community pool. So, we do have some social outlets - but he really wants a buddy to play with, invite over and do stuff with, so it would have been so nice for it to have worked out with the neighbor.
Thanks for the well wishes!
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Miracle DD born 12.2005
TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
***P/SAIF Always Welcome***
Keep it Natural, Baby!
Thanks!!
100% agree. That is not a relationship I would want to encourage. Maybe reach out to play groups in your community? Church? Library? I feel for you. Your son sounds like a kind boy - the type of child with whom I'd want my children to play.
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