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Blended Families
keep son from ex's gf?
I normally lurk around here but I have a question. I have a 6yr old with an ex-boyfriend. I am now married but he is not. Years ago, we talked about not bringing S around other people for at least a few months and then just as friends; that we don't want ppl in and out of his life. I was serious about it; the first guy he was around was my now husband.
However, ex has had him around several girls in just the last few months. One girl and her daughter moved in with him after a couple of months and they are now on and off; she moved out. During the off time, he's seeing this other girl with 2 kids. He has my S spend the night at her apt with him some days he has him. I have talked to him about this and he now says he won't stay there when he has S.
We don't have any court ordered visitation; should I keep S from ex if he continues to have him around random females? What if he just brings S to girls apt to play with the kids but they don't sleep there then keep him away if he trys to bring MORE girls in the picture? And we're talking 18-23 yr old girls.
me and my two men
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Re: keep son from ex's gf?
he'd be too scared to go to court because he's not paying his CS. He's made like 3 pmts in 3 yrs and has a warrant....which is another reason my son probably doesn't need to be driving around with him and stuff. He could go to jail at any moment.
if you don't have a CO for custody/visitation, it's totally your call and you can keep your son from him.
1. He can still take you to court and since cs and visitation/custody issues are separate he could still win the custody case and still owe you tons of CS.
2. You've already set the precedence of how visitation works and he can take you to court to enforce that ..see 1.
3. You son will be the only one who suffers from all of the sudden no longer having contact with his father. I'm sure he's not attaching to the random GFs the father is bringing around. If anything he may be viewing them as 1 babysitters or 2 other little kids' Mom.
Hmmmm.... Any other details you're leaving out?
Have you talked to your ex about your concerns? What was his response?
I'd think about asking him to go to daytime visits only, which won't eliminate your concerns about him introducing him to a lot of women, but at least he won't be sleeping over at a lot of different houses.
ha I think that's it. .....besides one thing that has been resolved. ex's mom had an abusive boyfriend that I did not want S around and they would agree but then they'd be together. They are finally not seeing each other anymore.
I have talked to him numerous times about S sleeping at ppl's houses or girls staying over and he always says he won't do it again. He's like a little kid you're reprimanding but sticks out his tongue as soon as you turn around. I know S wants to see his dad and I don't really want to stop that but I'm trying to figure out what would be best for him; either not seeing his dad until things are straightened up or seeing him but having ppl in and out....trying to figure out what is best for him more than the legal aspect of it. He currently sees is dad about 6 nights a month
I agree with this. I understand your rationale, but I think that cutting off dad time completely would do more harm than good.
Since the EX isn't married, has a warrant, etc. I wouldn't be too worried about him gettting custody of S if you went to court. The only benefit of going to court is to have a backup visitation plan in case you two don't always agree on things. All kinds of things can be put into a CO as long as it benefits the child. Many people have clauses included that state no overnight visits with unrelated people. If you were to go this route I would strongly suggest looking up COs online and see what standard orders and visitation look like before you do anything legal. He may or may not be receiving as much visitation time as a standard CO.
Since neither of you have established custody you could keep him away from your EX, but he could do the same to you if he had him in his possession. Neither of you would be able to call the police and report kidnapping. That might be another reason to establish custody in court, to prevent any craziness that could happen in the future.
Even though it's great with parents get along, COs are there to protect both parents and especially the child.
Also, I don't think it's smart to let S be with him if he has a warrant because of what you said about him being arrested at any moment. It wouldn't be a good experience for you son to witness that and see his father like that, also, what if the authorities couldn't get a hold of you?
This post frustrates me.
It bothers me to no end when I see posts from women who complain about something their ex is doing and can't hold him to anything because there isn't a CO, and oh yeah, by the way he's not paying his CS. NO! Really??
And why is that? Could it be you are allowing it?
Unless you have some incredibly fantastic and extremely rare relationship where you actually get along and 100% respect each other's wishes and rules on how to raise this child together - GET A CO.
If you want to control who this child is exposed to, it sounds like you need to start holding this child's father accountable. Take him to court. Get a CO. File for CS. Who freakin' cares if he has a warrant. His has one for a reason. It's time he put his big boy panties on and act like a man and take care of it.
I have a 5 year old with my ex. When she was 3 we had a scene where I was suspicious of him coming to get our daughter while still drunk. When the cops arrived they had to mediate and get him to agree to give her back to me. They couldn't help more because we didn't have a CO. I filed right after that situation.
Unfortunately, even with a CO, you can't always know about what happens on dad time. He still has the ability to lie to you. It sounds like you and your husband provide him a stable family home. I think that so long as he has that as an example there shouldn't be a negative affect of his dad not being as great in the relationship department.
"The best thing in life to hold onto is eachother." AH
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
It might be because I am allowing it but I don't know how to not allow it besides not letting him see S and that's what I'm asking if about. If it would be better for him to not see him than to let this continue. I didn't realize I could dicatate only around family members in a CO; I thought there had to a documented reason why he shouldn't be around someone for it to be in the CO because I talked to a lawyer a few yrs go and he said I had to name ppl in it that he couldn't be around and that there had to be suspicion that they would harm my son. Guess that lawyer was just stupid and I need to talk to someone else.
and there is a CO for CS. That is what the warrant is for. They just don't give a d@mn around here and I have to take time off work to fight for every little thing and force them to see that I'm not there every month crying about him being 2 days late. He's also supposed to be ordered almost $300 more than his current order and they told me that if he can't pay $187, how do I expect him to pay more. They won't reevaluate until he's paying the current amount. It's complete crap.
You can not control every person that is in and out of your son's life. He will be exposed to all kinds of people. Good and bad. Your lawyer is not stupid. They are right. You just can not just put people's names down just because they are 18-23 or you just flat out don't like them. You have to have just cause that they are harmful. And if you don't have just cause, then I'm sorry, you chose the wrong guy to get pregnant with if that is the kind of people he associates with. It's obviously part of the deal with this guy.
So everybody in the police department and everybody in the Child Support Services don't give a damn? Your lawyer too? Everyone? No one cares. No one. Sorry. I don't buy that there isn't a single person in any of those offices that don't care. Try again as to why this man is getting off scott free.
And yes. You do have to fight for every little thing. It's a part of being divorced with kids. It's not that they don't care, it's so that they can do diligence, be fair to both parties and make sure good father's aren't being screwed over by vindictive mother's. (Not saying you are one, just saying it happens. A LOT.)
And yeah, if he's not capable of paying half of what you are wanting, they aren't going to keep raising it. Until he consistently pays that or hell freezes over and he gets a job paying 2-3 times what he does now, you're not going to get more. Work on getting him to pay what he owes now. One step at a time.
My advice is the same. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. This is your child. If you have concerns, use the courts and the system to put the man in jail for not paying his CS to let him know you are serious. Yes. That means you have to take a day off from your job to handle that crap. Sucks. I know. Use your time wisely and get a better lawyer if your lawyer is not sufficiently making sure everything is being filed and addressed in a timely manner.
If you refuse to do anything about it then you have no right to complain about what he does and doesn't do, who he sees or doesn't see.
I'm only going to address this part and be done. I don't have a lawyer; my CS is through DHR. They suck. They won't talk to anyone over the phone. I don't mean that "oh no I have to take off work to go to court." I mean that if I have to tell her something, I have to leave work 2 hours early to write her a letter in her office then wait for her to send me a response in the mail then take 2 more hours off to write one more thing.
and about the amount, it is set on no medical insurance, no daycare, and him making an amount that is not even minimum wage anymore. I don't want it raised to "an amount I want" I want it at the amount it should be by the Alabama guidelines. The judge even told me it was ridic the last time I went to court (in December 2010, ex didn't show and a warrant was issued for nonpayment) but the lawyer there said it couldn't be discussed because that is not what we were there for. My worker won't put in a court date because of the reasons i stated but that is unfair that it will never be raised because he voluntarily doesn't pay. He has had his license taken away but there is not much else that can be done on my end to make him pay. They have been "urging me" to tell him to turn himself in but that doesn't work very well. imagine!
Thank you to everyone else for the advice. I will pursue a CO for visitation but hadn't in the past because I pretty much get what i want as far as when to have him and holidays and stuff. I didn't think about the "kidnapping" part of it.
My last bit of advice. Get a lawyer.