I suck at toddler parenting!

TwinMommy09 · June 2011

I suck at toddler parenting! I feel like i'm doing it all wrong and nothing is working. I try to keep my calm but I really don't know what the heck I'm doing...

-The twins don't listen and think any discipline is funny which makes me frustrated.
-What works one day will not work the next so being consistent seems impossible and I can't keep up.
-They won't stay in their beds we just spent an hour and a half trying to get them to sleep which ended in us patting their backs until they slept, again not listening.
-They scream/hit/bite/scratch/push eachother all day long and I'm constantly playing refferee. They don't last 5 minutes without this happening, unless I am sitting on the floor with them distracting/entertaining them all the time which makes it impossible to get anything done.
-They have started screaming in my face "NO" and hitting me when I try to talk calmly to them or redirect them.

I hate admiting it but I feel like a bad mom and total failure. For the first time I'm worried about actually becoming a SAHM next month.

So I guess my questions are: How do you "discipline" or structure in your house with toddlers and how do you keep you kids in their beds and to sleep?

gina000 · June 2011

I don't have any advice for you ( not there yet) I just wanted to say hang in there, you are not a bad Mom or a failure. I hope somebody has some advice for you. Hugs.

breebree13 · June 2011

You are so not a failure or a bad Mom. I don't have any real advice...I feel like I'm in a battle with my toddler these days too. It won't be like this forever just know that you are doing your best. I think the toddler years are rough they really want to be independent but at the same time aren't really ready for it. At least thats what I tell myself I really am just trying to figure it all out too!

angieez · June 2011

Omg. I know we haven't talked in a while, but seriously this is my life exactly!! I could have written this post, except add in "constantly screaming at the top of their lungs." it is AWFUL. I have been thinking about getting a job, it is that bad. I was just reading about this thing called TES...twin escalation syndrome....it's so true, about how they feed off each other. When they are alone/apart from each other things are easy peasy! I seriously feel your pain. The good news is it must be somewhat normal since we are both experiencing it? Either that or we both suck!! Lol! Hugs mama, hang in there!

Seattle_JiLLn · June 2011

Everything seems to change as they approach 3. I remember when we started our BCC toddler class when Ben was 2 3/4, and the teacher said "so who is still able to use time outs?" and about 2/3 of the group laughed and said it had stopped working. Which is true. That stops holding much weight for them, especially for things like 'not listening' or talking back or whatever... time outs are good for hitting or kicking or things where they really do need time to simmer down. But not really for "punishment".

You have to start moving on to "logical consequences"... start setting them up for what you expect of them too. It's exhausting. So like when you start bedtime, say tihngs like "ok it's bedtime, and let's talk about how to make a good bedtime tonight... first we will get jammies on, then we'll brush teeth, and then, if we have enough time, we can read three books... but if we have dawdling or arguments about jammies and that slows us down, we won't have time for books.... so do you think we can all cooperate and make sure we have time for books? ok let's go!" and then if they start messing around, you say "hmmm... it's starting to look like we might only have time for two books now"... and show them how their monkey business results in less time for fun stuff. And soemtimes they will go to bed without books and they'll be pissed off. And you say "I know, I'm really sad too. I love reading books with you guys. But we ran out of time because you wouldn't brush your teeth and we had to argue about it for so long. So maybe tomorrow you can make a better decision."

Use whatever currency works for them. But it's a logical consequence... you mess around, you don't have time for the fun stuff. That will help them learn to make good decisions because they want to make good decisions rather than making the decision that keeps them out of the doghouse. If that makes sense..

Toddlers sure know how to push your buttons.

The stuff with them fighting all the time - I don't have any good ideas... being a twin mom sure seems hard!!

ChubbyCheekiesMom · June 2011

Seattle_JiLLn:
Everything seems to change as they approach 3. I remember when we started our BCC toddler class when Ben was 2 3/4, and the teacher said "so who is still able to use time outs?" and about 2/3 of the group laughed and said it had stopped working. Which is true. That stops holding much weight for them, especially for things like 'not listening' or talking back or whatever... time outs are good for hitting or kicking or things where they really do need time to simmer down. But not really for "punishment".
You have to start moving on to "logical consequences"... start setting them up for what you expect of them too. It's exhausting. So like when you start bedtime, say tihngs like "ok it's bedtime, and let's talk about how to make a good bedtime tonight... first we will get jammies on, then we'll brush teeth, and then, if we have enough time, we can read three books... but if we have dawdling or arguments about jammies and that slows us down, we won't have time for books.... so do you think we can all cooperate and make sure we have time for books? ok let's go!" and then if they start messing around, you say "hmmm... it's starting to look like we might only have time for two books now"... and show them how their monkey business results in less time for fun stuff. And soemtimes they will go to bed without books and they'll be pissed off. And you say "I know, I'm really sad too. I love reading books with you guys. But we ran out of time because you wouldn't brush your teeth and we had to argue about it for so long. So maybe tomorrow you can make a better decision."
Use whatever currency works for them. But it's a logical consequence... you mess around, you don't have time for the fun stuff. That will help them learn to make good decisions because they want to make good decisions rather than making the decision that keeps them out of the doghouse. If that makes sense..
Toddlers sure know how to push your buttons.
The stuff with them fighting all the time - I don't have any good ideas... being a twin mom sure seems hard!!

This is good to read someone else doing something that I am trying. The Time-outs, Spankings (gasp), and threats aren't working, and infact he thinks it's hilarious. We even do the counting down and he thinks it's funny. But if I turn off the TV, take away his toys, tell him he can't go int he car it's like magic. I at times feel completely stupid trying to reason with a nearly 3 year old but unfortunately nothing else is working. And OMG the button pushing, it's horrible at this point.

So in other words, I am right there with you! T is acting just like the twins. Thanks Jill for the great advice!

TwinMommy09 · June 2011

thanks ladies! definately great advice, I'll try the logical approach which makes sense in terms of the next step - time outs definately are not working anymore.

It's nice to know it's not just me...

Seattle_JiLLn · June 2011

ChubbyCheekiesMom:
Seattle_JiLLn:
Everything seems to change as they approach 3. I remember when we started our BCC toddler class when Ben was 2 3/4, and the teacher said "so who is still able to use time outs?" and about 2/3 of the group laughed and said it had stopped working. Which is true. That stops holding much weight for them, especially for things like 'not listening' or talking back or whatever... time outs are good for hitting or kicking or things where they really do need time to simmer down. But not really for "punishment".
You have to start moving on to "logical consequences"... start setting them up for what you expect of them too. It's exhausting. So like when you start bedtime, say tihngs like "ok it's bedtime, and let's talk about how to make a good bedtime tonight... first we will get jammies on, then we'll brush teeth, and then, if we have enough time, we can read three books... but if we have dawdling or arguments about jammies and that slows us down, we won't have time for books.... so do you think we can all cooperate and make sure we have time for books? ok let's go!" and then if they start messing around, you say "hmmm... it's starting to look like we might only have time for two books now"... and show them how their monkey business results in less time for fun stuff. And soemtimes they will go to bed without books and they'll be pissed off. And you say "I know, I'm really sad too. I love reading books with you guys. But we ran out of time because you wouldn't brush your teeth and we had to argue about it for so long. So maybe tomorrow you can make a better decision."
Use whatever currency works for them. But it's a logical consequence... you mess around, you don't have time for the fun stuff. That will help them learn to make good decisions because they want to make good decisions rather than making the decision that keeps them out of the doghouse. If that makes sense..
Toddlers sure know how to push your buttons.
The stuff with them fighting all the time - I don't have any good ideas... being a twin mom sure seems hard!!
This is good to read someone else doing something that I am trying. The Time-outs, Spankings (gasp), and threats aren't working, and infact he thinks it's hilarious. We even do the counting down and he thinks it's funny. But if I turn off the TV, take away his toys, tell him he can't go int he car it's like magic. I at times feel completely stupid trying to reason with a nearly 3 year old but unfortunately nothing else is working. And OMG the button pushing, it's horrible at this point.
So in other words, I am right there with you! T is acting just like the twins. Thanks Jill for the great advice!

The thing I would add here is to try to make the thing you take away connected to the problem. Like if he won't get dressed, he can't go in the car and go to the fun thing he wants to do. or if he's throwing toys, take the toys away... Don't take away TV for not brushing his teeth for instance. Even if TV is what he really loves, try to make it logical and connected to how he's misbehaving.

StellaZ · June 2011

That approach is totally in line with love & logic. I highly suggest reading the book - especially before you are home 24/7. I think you will find some very helpful tools in there. Their Facebook fan page is great too. If you have an issue, you can post and tons of L&L parents will respond with what worked for them!

suzie711 · June 2011

StellaZ:
That approach is totally in line with love & logic. I highly suggest reading the book - especially before you are home 24/7. I think you will find some very helpful tools in there. Their Facebook fan page is great too. If you have an issue, you can post and tons of L&L parents will respond with what worked for them!

I was just going to say this as well. Love and Logic seems to have some awesome advice and techniques (although I'm not quite there yet either - I'm afraid it's not far off with the attitude I'm already starting to see though .. )

keri1013 · June 2011

You've gotten some good advice, and you definitely don't suck! For the getting out of bed thing I would try the SuperNanny technique--The first time they get out of bed, say "It's time for bed, I love you" and walk them back. The second time, "Time for bed" and walk them back. After that, they get a silent walk back to bed. No attention or conversation to reinforce getting out. It will probably be a few nights of putting them back into bed over and over, maybe for hours, but don't give up. I've had friends who've used the technique with great success.

Good luck, toddler stuff is hard!

blueLu25 · June 2011

keri1013:
You've gotten some good advice, and you definitely don't suck! For the getting out of bed thing I would try the SuperNanny technique--The first time they get out of bed, say "It's time for bed, I love you" and walk them back. The second time, "Time for bed" and walk them back. After that, they get a silent walk back to bed. No attention or conversation to reinforce getting out. It will probably be a few nights of putting them back into bed over and over, maybe for hours, but don't give up. I've had friends who've used the technique with great success.
Good luck, toddler stuff is hard!

Wow, its so nice to hear that we are not the only ones dealing with this!! And we did this technique with ds when we switched to the big boy bed, and it took about a week, but now its great! Naps were harder than bedtime, but its a great technique.

skenyon · June 2011

Seattle_JiLLn:

Everything seems to change as they approach 3. I remember when we started our BCC toddler class when Ben was 2 3/4, and the teacher said "so who is still able to use time outs?" and about 2/3 of the group laughed and said it had stopped working. Which is true. That stops holding much weight for them, especially for things like 'not listening' or talking back or whatever... time outs are good for hitting or kicking or things where they really do need time to simmer down. But not really for "punishment".

You have to start moving on to "logical consequences"... start setting them up for what you expect of them too. It's exhausting. So like when you start bedtime, say tihngs like "ok it's bedtime, and let's talk about how to make a good bedtime tonight... first we will get jammies on, then we'll brush teeth, and then, if we have enough time, we can read three books... but if we have dawdling or arguments about jammies and that slows us down, we won't have time for books.... so do you think we can all cooperate and make sure we have time for books? ok let's go!" and then if they start messing around, you say "hmmm... it's starting to look like we might only have time for two books now"... and show them how their monkey business results in less time for fun stuff. And soemtimes they will go to bed without books and they'll be pissed off. And you say "I know, I'm really sad too. I love reading books with you guys. But we ran out of time because you wouldn't brush your teeth and we had to argue about it for so long. So maybe tomorrow you can make a better decision."

Use whatever currency works for them. But it's a logical consequence... you mess around, you don't have time for the fun stuff. That will help them learn to make good decisions because they want to make good decisions rather than making the decision that keeps them out of the doghouse. If that makes sense..

Toddlers sure know how to push your buttons.

The stuff with them fighting all the time - I don't have any good ideas... being a twin mom sure seems hard!!

Seriously Jill your like my hero, I swear you always have the right thing to say.

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