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My bio dad wont leave me alone
so previous to this latest series of contacts, I had not heard a single thing from him in 15 years. he is not a good person ...not in like the "my mom told me so" way, but in the very very vile person category. his first contact was in mid april and it happen to be the day of my mom and I had it out because of her ridiculous behavior and commentary during her visit. I simply deleted the email he sent. then about a month later I got another email with phone numbers included asking for me to call him. I deleted that email without responding. now last night at about 130 am, while I was up pumping an email popped up on my account ....again from him. the previous emails had never be an apologetic and frankly were quite cold and calculating. the really came off like he believed I had done something wrong or had been the reason for the disintegration of our relationship when in fact he was very rarely present in my life since birth and when he was it was not a good situation....I want going to the massive details but he gave me a lot of baggag, we can just say that. the email last night said in all capital letters (like that makes it more moving ) that he is sorry from the bottom of his heart if he cause me any damage and that he hope I have the best birthday possible (which is tomorrow ). I'm mostly surprised he even knows when my birthday is but moreover I want him to just go away ...my husband asked me if I had anything I wanted to say to him as I know he is actively dying from some terminal illness but I'm really not sure if there's anything I could say that would even make a difference. anything I really needed from him I needed 30 years ago and not today ...not after years of therapy and working on myself to build a life that somehow resembles normal when I had no idea what that is supposed to look like (is not the only reason I didn't know normal...I have been surrounded by it very mentally ill people my whole life ...).
I'm not really sure the point of this post ....but I just needed to get out there because I can't even talk to my own mother about this as she just laughs hysterically and then immediately makes the entire subject about her and how he screwed her over. I guess my only question is....is my gut right in thinking I should just keep deleting these emails without responding. I am glad he is sorry, but I feel bad it's 1,000,000 days late and a lot of effort short....furthermore he is not welcome in the life I have created or anywhere near my family.
sorry for typos I am on my phone
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My bio dad wont leave me alone
as long as your are sure you will be OK once your father passes away, then ignore him. Just make sure you will not have any regrets... but sometimes, it is too little too late and you should not feel obligated because now that he is dying, he feels "some" remorse for the way he treated you.
Good luck
uuugh. sorry kid.
Should you respond? That's only a question you can answer. And I suspect you already know what the answer is in your heart, you're just trying to talk yourself in, or out, of listening to that.
My only "Dr. Phil" 'ish advice would be is to ask yourself how you will feel in 5, 10, 20 years when he's gone. (or one, as you mentioned he's ill) Will you want to have said some things, and will you care if he heard them?
*I* would be inclined to blubber my heart out to him, via letter, email, something, and then be done. So I know I said my peace. But I'm like that. Of course, I'm dealing with a very sick dad who I DO care about, but has recently hurt me in many ways.
Know that he'll likely come back with something, you'll have to decide how to deal with that. But ask yourself if you want to say some things before he's gone. And if that will bring you anything.
I don't think there's any right or wrong way to handle this. Just the best way you can. I'm around later tonite if you wanna chat.
hugs.
I agree w/ the pp that if you're sure you won't have anything you regret not saying to him keep ignoring him. If there is anything you need to get off your chest I'd write/e-mail it to him and then be done.
For your sake not his make sure you will ultimately feel good (as much as possible) about things w/ him before he passes.
I have opened and read this about 20 times (sorry about that) because it hits so close to home. I didn't want to add my 2 cents but I have to.
I think the part the others wrote about regret is BULL$H!T! I am sorry but it is. You could easily chose to let him back in your life and regret that choice as well. I think you should listen to your own gut. You are the one who has to live with your choice and not us, and only you know your father and the whole story.
It is so hard to not speak to a parent no matter what the circumstances. (((HUGS)))
Yes but just because you think long and hard about something doesn't mean you still won't regret it. I recently had contact with my astranged father's mom after letting friends talk me into talking to her because I might regret it later. I highly regret the contact. When she dies (has about 3-5 months left) I know my memorries of her will be tanted by that last conversation.